Serial Drama

Soap Blog Coalition

Sources very close to the set of CBS Daytime's The Young and the Restless have revealed the amazing cat-ress who plays Kitty Benson is thisclose to walking amid tense contract negotiations! (Daytime Confidential)

This week the Pine Valley Bulletin examines Madison North. Is she pretty smart? Or pretty stupid? Will she go down for her husband's murder? Take the PVB poll and share your thoughts! (Pine Valley Bulletin)

Stop by and check out our images and video of Rick Springfield at the O.C. Fair! (Scrubs Hub)

The Serial Drama girls reinstate the General Hospital Week in Review, and upon review conclude that pretty much the entire show -- except for karaoke night and Alexis and Diane -- is still terrible. (Serial Drama)

Days of Our Lives' Kate is in the closet and EJ's is determined to get revenge against Sami. (Soap Opera Examiner)

The week's episode of "We Love Soaps Radio" features Days of Our Lives' Taylor Spreitler and Terry Serpico from Army Wives. Plus, find out what Newcomb, Jacob and Goldberg thing about the latet soap news and hot topics. (We Love Soaps)

Karakoe Success, Nancy Lee Grahn event info and a cool summer poll for you to take! (Wubs)

Perhaps I Am Taking This Too Personally But: This Show Hurts Me

You know the Rockwell song "Somebody's Watching Me", which languished for years on one-hit wonder countdowns before its eventual revival through the GEICO commercial with the googly-eyed pile of money? For those of you who are lucky enough to not have it stuck in your head at random intervals, it's basically a stream of consciousness rant about paranoia that was released only because Rockwell is Berry Gordy's son, and because Michael Jackson sang the chorus (this fulfills the requirement that every blog, ever, have some reference to Michael Jackson on it in the year 2009), as it is pretty bad.

And yet...I've found myself relating to it, in a sad way, because I've sat through many an episode of All My Children lately asking myself, "They are doing this to me on purpose, aren't they? They just want to make me cry and they know how to make me do it". I'm sure that the terrible choices the AMC powers-that-be make are made solely to cause maximum pain and aggravation to the audience.

Marissa: No, I am, I am, but if Liza has been passing off your baby as hers, that means they all faked a baby's death.

David: That's a disturbing thought.

Marissa: Yeah, it's sick. I don't get how anyone could do that.

Luckily for Marissa, she can get one-on-one insight into the type of depraved mind that perpetuates fake baby death schemes. All she'd have to do is stand in the middle of the Yacht Club and throw a rock; odds are, she'd hit someone who faked a baby's death or was involved in the plot to cover it up. Seriously, when I was watching the opening credits today, I realized that the majority of the characters currrently on the AMC canvas have, at one point or another, been involved in perpetuating a dead baby lie. Which...REALLY, show? That's the BEST plot you can come up with? Dead babies? I shudder to think of what your home life is like.

This latest in the long string of dead baby stories has an added twist. Yes, in the year 2009, the AMC writers have discovered that you can buy and sell goods on the internet, which leads us to the existence of "Stuart" Colby. Since David's DNA does not match Liza's fake baby, I assume that her fake baby is actually one procured by Jake via that email exchange he had with a woman looking to give her baby up a few weeks back. Somehow, that adds an extra layer of awful to what was already an awful story, just because it is so patently ridiculous. Not that I expect "facts" and "laws" to in any way play into this show's storytelling but seriously, how about not assuming that your audience is a bunch of simpletons, writers?

Emma Lavery has an angelic little face, which makes it even more heartbreaking that she probably has the worst life ever. Her father is an emotionally abusive con-man who is prone to fits of violence, and who has introduced her to a handful of replacement mommies in the short time that she has even known him, among many other terrible traits. Her mother is criminally insane and deals with life's disappointments by stabbing and/or choking others. AND she is being written for by a terrible writing staff who has mistaken "utterly contrived and awful" for "edgy and entertaining".

So it's not surprising that she is maybe lying about seeing Kendall shoot Stuart* or that she is maybe possible the actual culprit**. What IS surprising is that these are her first criminal acts. With the genes she was blessed with, I'd have guessed that her first crime spree would have come much earlier.

*Is she lying? I think she is, either to cover for the mother who Ryan is so determined to see fry in the electric chair on any charge that he can make stick. She did confront him on his accusation that Annie killed Stuart, and then busted out with her Kendall revelation a few minutes later, or because...DUN DUN DUN**

**She killed Stuart. I have no idea how or why she would have killed him, and I'm not sure how it's possible that she is such a good shot (well, then again, there IS that criminal DNA), but she is my suspect number one. And she totally threw Replacement Mommy #(How many loves of Ryan's life has he had since he decided Annie was of no use? 2? 3? 8?) under the bus. That is some straight up diabolical masterminding right there.

How a Shirtless Soap Star Caused One of My Most Embarrassing Moments

I know what you're thinking:  Becca, you are both an admitted klutz and someone who tends to say exactly what you're thinking, even at inopportune moments, so surely hot men being shirtless routinely leads to your humiliation in one way or another.  But no, it's a relatively rare event, believe it or not!

Let me take you back to March.  Picture it:  Me, working long days, trying to keep up not only with my regular shows but the two additional ones we watched for a bit for our Soap Opera Digest column.  (I watched One Live to Live and As the World Turns.)  My work life was a bit insane so this meant watching soaps in the wee hours of the morning.  To sum up:  I was tired.  And also, I have a problem with names.  Read on to learn of the disturbing, nearly friendship-ending incident that occurred when those two factors came together early one spring morning.

From:  Becca
To:  Mallory
Date:  Mon, Mar 30, 2009 at 12:14 AM
Subject:  important, insomnia-fueled update

Dylan Cash has gotten super fit and hot.  I am deeply disturbed.

***************

From:  Mallory   
To:  Becca
Date: Mon, Mar 30, 2009 at 8:54 AM
Subject:  Re:  important, insomnia-fueled update

This is the most shocking email I have ever received.

***************

From:  Becca
To:  Mallory
Date:  Mon, Mar 30, 2009 at 9:48 AM
Subject:  Re:  important, insomnia-fueled update

Wait until you see the screencaps.  His skin also cleared up.  He is bordering on having his own hotly modifier.

***************

From:  Becca
To:  Mallory
Date: Mon, Mar 30, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Subject:  Re:  important, insomnia-fueled update

OH MY GOD

Not Dylan Cash!  Ugh!  EWEWEWEWEW!

The dude who played Dillon!  Scott Clifton!  I TOLD YOU I WAS SLEEP DEPRIVED!  EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

So, my life has definitely been crazy the last few months, but I can't say that is the reason I haven't been doing Days posts.  The real reason is that nothing has really moved me to blog about the boring goings-on in Salem.  Until now.  What was my motivation?  Hint: It involves hot men and limited clothing!

So the Week in Review returns, along with my struggle to find enough things on this show that are even close to interesting enough to include in a post. 

Sami and Rafe continue to be far more charming and appealing than the writing gives them any right to be.  I honestly perplexed by liking them.  But I so do!

There is, however, a significant problem brewing.  This relationship is having a very unfortunate effect on Sami's hair. 

Allison Sweeney's gorgeous mane deserves better.  There is also the small matter of Rafe likely being some kind of fiance-murdering psycho, but that's relatively easy to bounce back from.  Stringy hair can take ages to get past.

This was from a few weeks ago, but I didn't have a chance to comment then, so:  Behold, I have found Braden Walkes from GH's life partner.

Lil' baby bitchface is just the best thing evah.

Dear Song: No, I Most Certainly Would Not Like It

The last 45 seconds of General Hospital today made me want to vomit.  That is all.

General Hospital Week in Review

Greetings, readers!  After a very long absence, the Week in Review is making a hopefully triumphant return.  My work schedule has been completely insane for at least six months so poor Mallory has been shouldering almost all of the blogging, but things have calmed down and I'm planning a return to normal.  I've still been watching GH over these many months, which I'm sure contributed to my near-nervous-breakdown state, so I haven't missed much.  There's even been a few things that have been so consistent that I've learned to find them somewhat soothing.  They include:

• Rick Hearst getting screwed over
• Patrick's hotness
• Sonny being an awful [fictional] human being
• Mallory's hatred of Jason, Spinelli, and Bob Guza
• My mind wandering while watching GH to the extent that I miss entire plotlines (and am subsequently grateful)
• The increasing use of spray tan and teeth whitener that appears to have coincided with the introduction of HD
• This show being, generally speaking, effing terrible

But let's be all analytical and take a look at some specific things that are terrible.  And one or two that aren't.

Casting is really the one area that throughout GH's descent into mediocrity and then awfulness remained strong.  GH consistently casts talented newcomers, kids that look like their onscreen parents, and non-daytime actors who fit right in on a soap.  But this is a huge misstep:  This man

is supposed to be the son of this woman.

Let me have some of my favorite Port Charles' denizens express my opinion about this:

 

Yeah...WTF?  Did she have him in the second grade?  Screw that, they could have been in the second grade together.  I am actually surprised that Maurice Benard hasn't up and quit in outrage, since he was long rumored to not want Sonny to have adult children, and all of a sudden he has one that checks the same age box on the census form that he does.

By the way, wasn't Olivia and Dante's first scene as mother and son a breath of fresh air, totally lacking the usual GH taint of violence and general disregard for anyone with ovaries?

Yeah.

I have no other explanation for that, other than, you know, the usual:

What Is More Awesome Than Awesome?

Q: What is more awesome than awesome?

A: Tricia Cast is more awesome than awesome.

If I were the poetic sort of person, I would write a sonnet about the myriad ways in which The Young and the Restless makes me happy: the soapy storytelling! The shrewd decision to cast Michael Muhney as Adam! The Peter Bergman! It's the stuff long, tortured poems are made of.

However, I am not a poetic person. When I had to take a poetry writing class during as an undergraduate, we were urged to hand our poems in to be workshopped by the class; even on days that I did hand one in to be workshopped, my professor never handed it out to the rest of the class, no doubt wanting to shield me from the peals of derisive laughter that would soon follow. So rather than humiliate myself on the world wide web, I will settle for saying: this show is awesome and it makes me happy.

If I had to pick one part of a great show that stands out as the greatest, it would have to be Tricia Cast as Nina. She is reliably fantastic, and always has been, but she's been so completely stellar in this latest return that it makes me wonder how we ever lasted so long without her. Like, I always thought that having her back in Genoa City would be an added bonus, but it turns out that she actually completes me. She delights me so much that I won't even make a comment about her completely dull, unflattering, Mom jeans and a tucked in top-laden (Y&R? Seriously? You're better than that) wardrobe. 

Well, This Mystery Is Just Un-Solvable

Scenes with Alexis and Diane are almost always delightful, and today was no exception. Diane complimenting Molly's choice of book, Pandora Gets Jealous written by none other than Carolyn Hennessy (she writes YA lit! That makes her ten times greater than I previously thought she was and I previously thought she was pretty damn great) was adorable, their banter over the lameness of the fake emails sent to the Player Mayorwas fantastic ("bad greeting cards sent from a lunatic". Hee!) and Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennessy work together so well that I'd eagerly vote for an Alexis/Diane spinoff, if such things were decided by vote; naturally, I'd stipulate that said spinoff could not involve Guza, Phelps & Co. in any way, but since I unfortunately have no sway over television lineups, this is a moot point.

So I almost feel bad complaining about scenes that were, overall, fabulous and much better than the rest of the show. However.

Alexis: The only emails I ever wrote to Floyd were grants, line item budgets and you better believe me.

Diane: I do believe you. These emails seem desperate and coy, and made up somehow, but they were sent from your computer.

Alexis: That's impossible.

Why did Alexis or Diane not immediately remember that they both know a person in town who (a) is involved in every story in the show and will be involved in this one at some point, so why not just hurry things up and call him now and (b) is skilled at all things computer related, including investigations? And that they also know a person--Alexis is in fact the mother of said person--whose latest job is solving crimes and could probably back up Alexis's assertions that she did not send these desperate sounding emails.

But if I start asking questions like that, I'll have to ask why no one at the hospital wonders why Andrea Floyd is always lurking around obviously eavesdropping with a look on her face that plainly says, "I AM DOING SHADY THINGS" and then we'd all be asking each other why the crazy plot holes on this show exist and then our heads will explode.

Also:

Alexis: I hope the media, and even all the blogs, are moving onto something a lot more interesting.

Did Alexis just give me permission to stop watching General Hospital? Because I will gladly take her advice...

Soap Blog Coalition

Want to know the latest on General Hospital's murder mystery, a possible JOlivia triangle and if Elizabeth might expose Rebecca?  Find out the latest General Hospital spoilers and rumors. (Daytime Confidential)

How well do you know Robin & Patrick? Finish our crossword puzzle and find out! (Scrubs Hub)

General Hospital may be lacking in romance, continuity and plausibility, but the writers hope we'll be too impressed with their outdated pop culture references to notice. (Serial Drama)

When real life is stranger than a soap.  How fabulous it would be if soap opera viewers had the power to file ridiculous storyline charges, (RSC) against the powers that be as their favorite soaps character. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Damon L. Jacobs recently spoke with veteran actress Patsy Pease and has a revealing interview with the former Days of Our Lives star. (We Love Soaps)

Law & Disorder

I suppose it is my own fault, what with my constant fawning over Jesse and Angie, and brazenly claiming that they "make everything better" and "are awesome". Of course the writers are going to seize upon that as a dare! "Oh, they make everything better, do they?" and then we wind up watching Jesse cover up a murder of an almost-rapist by a scared, pregnant woman¹ obviously committed in self defense² by sneaking a body out of a hotel room on a room service cart³, staging a car accident and betting on people buying that the victim died in a car accident and not from being hit with a blunt object⁴ and when his simpleton daughter-in-law⁵ points out that the coroner would surely realize that the murder actually occurred hours earlier, crosses his fingers and hopes that the car would maybe blow up and that wouldn't be an issue⁶. Because Charles Pratt is as cruel as he is incompetent.

This show isn't really All My Children, is it? It's some bizarre hour of programming featuring actors we know playing characters with the same names as characters we once knew and loved, acting out scripts that are no more than word association games.

¹Why do the writers take the "children" part of All My Children so literally? Can we really not go a week without a new baby storyline?

²So obviously committed in self defense that Jesse ACTUALLY STATED IT WAS SELF DEFENSE and felt compelled to cover it up anyway

³ What kind of hotel sends room service up on a cart the size of a freaking gurney? That huge cart, and all I saw in

⁴And yet he took great pains to make sure that North's seatbelt was buckled

⁵ So pretty, but so, so dim. And yet, obviously smart enough to catch a few episodes of CSI and have basic knowledge of forensics and criminal investigations unlike, apparently, the Pine Valley chief of police.

⁶ What the everloving fuck?

Port Charmless

What General Hospital lacks in reason, entertainment value, romance and soapiness, it makes up for with outdated pop culture references.

Dominante: Land Shark! Pizza!

Way to have your finger on the pulse, GH! And that allusion was thought to be so clever that it was made twice in one episode.

Michael: Yeah, I'm not into the whole "Dilbert" thing.

Edward: What Dilbert thing...what?

I like to think Edward's utter bafflement over the Dilbert shoutout was not unfamiliarity with the cartoon, but bewilderment that Michael, who was a tween as recently as May, is now namedropping Dilbert. I'm so sure!

Similarly, I'm so sure that groups of people would be fighting each other, spending massive amounts of money and mysteriously obtaining "temporary drivers licenses" in order to curry favor with Michael, who is a beast. Sonny and Carly should be trying to dump him on the Quartermaines, and Edward should not be having it, not least because having Michael live with the Qs means that Carly and Sonny will be dropping by and being angry at all hours of the day. Why did Sonny get so enraged that he rang the doorbell a few times and had to wait "like fifteen minutes" to be let in? With the way he stumbles over words, he'd have gotten a total of six syllables out in that time, so whatever, Sonny.

Drew Garrett is a great find and, to a point, Michael's obnoxiousness makes sense (two sociopathic parents + brain injury + coma + hormones - therapy x Bob Guza's writing style; the kid really didn't have a chance at becoming a functional human being), but holy hell, he is exhausting to watch.

Carly: And the sound system? Because I know you cranked it.

Michael: Yeah, wait till you hear it. Honestly, it'll probably make your 80's hair bands sound good.

Carly: Don't make fun of my music.

What kind of music do we think Carly listens to? I was going to say that I picture her as a Poison type of gal, but I don't want someone to get the sick idea to do a Rock of Love/GH crossover, because the combination of Sonny and Bret Michaels in one place would cause all of our television sets to contract syphilis and then explode.

Too Much Monkey Business

"That," I declared dramatically two minutes into today's episode of All My Children, "is a TERRIBLE idea that makes not one bit of sense." I had barely finished scoffing at the first scene of the show when all of a sudden, there was ANOTHER bizarre, under-written and woefully ill-advised plot. And then ANOTHER.

And then all of a sudden it took Jesse three minutes to get from Pine Valley to Washington D.C. and I realized...the writers totally write scripts on napkins, on the fly, don't they? Because I've given up even entertaining the idea that this group of writers gives their plot-driven messes masquerading as "soap opera storylines" anything more than one moment's thought, and that thought is usually, "so this is going to happen and it will be awesome. How will it happen? Not my problem." I also imagine that they call each other "bro" all the time.

Henry North: intriguing new character; played by an actor who outshines 90% of the cast; has potential to be a long-term villain or the subject of a rehabilitation.

NATURALLY they made him an almost-rapist and then killed him off, setting up what is certain to be a terrible story about coverups and family secrets that will only lead to Frankie whining again, some more. "Can't wait"! At least Kieran Campion and his amazing name are now freed up to do work in a higher quality production such as Barney or street performance art.

It's Like They Are Begging Me To Make a Joke About This Show Choking

I am not sure who is crazier at the end of this clip (the last scene of today's episode):

Erica, for deliberately provoking a person she KNOWS is insane and violent and who has, in fact, STABBED HER in the past, with her hilarious quips and her steely determination to send said insane person up the river for Stuart's murder? Really, Erica? That's how you deal with someone you believe to be a deranged murderer? By stalking and needling them and rubbing your gloriously voluminous hair in their face? That doesn't seem wise.

Annie, for coping with listening to things she doesn't want to hear by going, "Lalalala, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, GAH! STOP! I WILL KILL YOU"?

The audience, for continuing to watch even though it is causing our brain cells to rapidly deplete to the point where we maybe, I don't know, hypothetically lose all hand-eye coordination and wind up hitting our heads getting out of our cars? Twice in one day?

It's us, isn't it?

*Also, did anybody else catch Kendall saying "You might as well just bury me now" in front of Tad, who actually did bury someone a few years ago? It made me laugh until I cried. And those tears were the devastated tears of a person who just realized that maybe Megan McTavish wasn't so bad after all...

Eileen Davidson's "Dial Emmy For Murder"

If you're anything like me, your eyes instinctively roll when you hear that a celebrity has written a novel (I freely admit that this is partly out of jealousy on my part. If Lauren Conrad can "write" a novel, why can't I?!). But! If you rolled your eyes when you heard that Eileen Davidson has a series of soap opera mystery books, you eyerolled too soon, because her latest, Dial Emmy For Murder, is pretty damn good. And I don't mean that in a "well, it's so terrible that it's good" or "I heart Eileen Davidson, so let's just say that this is good"" kind of way; I am being completely sincere! If you're looking for an inanely entertaining summer read, this is it.

Quick background: Alexis Peterson is a soap star, formerly of The Yearning Tide and now playing the dual roles of Felicia and Fannie (Felicia's ugly twin, who is played with fake teeth and a prosthetic nose. Shades of Susan Banks!) on The Bare and the Brazen who again finds herself in the middle of a murder mystery when her Emmy co-presenter winds up dead. I will say no more because it's a mystery, duh, and I don't want to give anything away. 

I love, love, love Eileen Davidson as Ashley Abbott and I adored her on Days, and it turns out that she's a great storyteller, too. She's funny, is great with dialogue and Alex is a fantastic, clever character. I really feel like soap headwriters should consult with ED before they write another of their harebrained mysteries (Charles Pratt, I am sneering in your general direction).

Has anybody else read this book, or her previous novel, Death in Daytime? Share in the comments!

Soap Blog Coalition

Should SOAPnet produce a splashy Santa Barbara miniseries or movie? Jamey lays out the evidence why he thinks they should. (Daytime Confidential)

Check out the latest rant on the PVB regarding how low can SOAPnet go. Do you agree with Kathy, has the station has "jumped the shark"? (Pine Valley Bulletin)

As the malpractice suit/murder mystery on General Hospital trudges along, we've been entertained by some great quote worthy moments, here are some of the best (Scrubs Hub)

In their latest Soap Opera Digest column, the Serial Drama girls focus on veteran characters. Some shows, like All My Children and The Young & The Restless, use them well and give them great stories, and then there's General Hospital and what they have done with Luke Spencer. (Serial Drama)

I was compelled to pause the DVR after being so totally outraged over the scene that took place at the Chancellor estate. If Neil genuinely recognized the fact that Mrs. "C" was in trouble, he should have called 911 immediately. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Lisa LoCicero just got a contract on General Hospital. Will it matter? Either way, we're happy! (Wubs.net)

Subtlety Is Not This Show's Strong Suit

Hey, guys! How are you feeling? Do you have pounding headaches? So do I. I think it's a direct result of being hit in the head with the ten tons of foreshadowing the General Hospital writers threw at us today:

Sonny, to Jason, about Michael, in a surprisingly well acted scene that marks the second time this week that I have complimented Steve Burton's performance and regarded such as the highlight of the entire show, which leads me to believe that it is 1997 again and nobody told me. Oh wait, it's not, because half of the characters on canvas in 1997 are dead now: As far as I'm concerned, he's my firstborn.

Because Michael's NOT Sonny's firstborn, remember? Both because he is not Sonny's biological son and because Sonny doesn't know that his firstborn son was actually born to Olivia and is named Dante and who is, we're all sure, going by the name Dominic and who spent a few days hiding in Sonny's own house. Oh the drama!

And wait--there's more! Sonny's firstborn actually held a gun on Sonny's "firstborn" (and ex-wife and one of the children that he seems like he can do without). CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EXTREME ORIGINALITY AND ENTERTAINMENT?

We are in for a long, long summer.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

I am not anti-villain. I love a soapy bad guy or girl. I have adored DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Victor Kiriakis and his malevolent deeds since acid-washed jeans were popular the first time around. And one of Victor’s worst enemies, Stefano DiMera? Who doesn’t root for him, at least a little bit, every time he comes back from the dead to wreak havoc? Then there’s GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Helena Cassadine, who is a kidnapper, brainwasher, and murderer many times over. Yet I love her! I could go on for pages with examples of my solidly pro-villain stance. And I also understand that even good guys have to have some villainous qualities now and then, to keep things interesting. But lately with Luke Spencer, GENERAL HOSPITAL has replaced what was a layered and interesting sometime villain with an unrepentant jerk who has lost all rootability in my eyes.

In Which My DVR Is An Eloquent Soap Critic

As I mentioned on Facebook, I was completely delighted by my DVR's description of today's All My Children.

Ryan makes things worse for Kendall.

Substitute "the audience" for "Kendall" and you have a very astute commentary on the current state of the show. Even inanimate objects don't like Ryan! Is this a new trend of snarky recording devices? I eagerly look forward to episodes described with "Liza makes an incredibly stupid decision" and "David Canary continues to be too good for this show."

My dislike of Ryan is so strong that during his scenes today with North, who is most likely abusive to his wife and who is going after my favorite character on the show full throttle, Charlie's Angels 2 style, with a singular determination that is sort of obsessive, I found myself taking North's side because Ryan is terrible and makes everybody in a scene with him vastly more enjoyable.

He was practically drooling with excitement over Tad possibly seeing Annie the night of Stuart's murder which, following his pure glee over the shenanigans he and his merry troupe of schemers engaged in to help push a mentally ill woman over the edge, is icky, to say the least. I am sure there is a better way to describe Ryan, or at least a way that doesn't involve schoolyard exclamations of disgust, but that's all I've got.

We Should Petition To Change The Name of Port Charles To Dullsville

Nikolas: Honestly, who writes this stuff?

Oh, Nik. That question weighs heavily on my soul on a daily basis. My theory is cyborgs. It has to be cyborgs, right? That would go a long way in explaining General Hospital's complete lack of logic and emotion.

(Nice shot at horror movie writers, by the way. Sure, movies like Pumpkinhead and Slumber Party Massacreare terrible but I have to tell you, Jason Voorhees came back from the dead, like, eighteen times and none of those resurrections were as awful and insulting as that of Diego Alcazar)

So Mayor Floyd was arrested for the murder of his mistress despite, as far as I can tell, the police never actually, like, investigating the crime and the big story of the day was that...he had a one night stand with Alexis? And people are calling for her to resign? This show has never been particularly good at portraying the media (remember when Sam was basically a bystander during the Metro Court crisis and she got a show and was hilariously famous? The paparazzi followed Jason! I hated those days when I was living them, but now I long for them), but this is silly, even for them.

Especially because, as Alexis pointed out to a hilariously uncomfortable Patrick:

Alexis: It was one night. It wasn't an affair. It was one night. And it was the night that I just happened to walk in on my husband having sex with my daughter and found out that I had cancer, so I was a little out of sorts, and apparently stupid.

Yeah. Remember when Alexis was heartbroken, despondent, hacking up her lung and weeks away from a coma? She totally had time to have sex with the mayor! Which means that all of those times that Ric tried to deflect attention off of himself and his terrible decision to have sex with his stepdaughter by hysterically accusing Alexis of having a fling with the mayor, he was actually right. Yay for character ruining rewrites!

A Never Ending Parade of Stupid

I sat in silence during Friday's episode of All My Children and for a long time after it ended, contemplating how best to describe the massive amount of dumb exhibited by Liza Colby. I was speechless for an embarrasing amount of time trying to come to grips with describing the level of idiocy necessary to fake labor to get out of an admittedly ghoulish fake funeral for a not dead baby and then go continue your fake labor at your ex-boyfriend's house where your daughter hangs out, and then insist that your daughter stay with you during your fake labor and, apparently, just cross your fingers and hope that she doesn't think anything of it when you birth a pillow and have a baby delivered via courier in the form of Tad Martin with a brain injury.

Do I list a number of adjectives for dumb, and remark that even if we were to assign numerical values to each synonym, add them together, and multiply by pi? Do I craft a series of "Yo Momma" jokes about her? Do I hit her below the belt and insinuate that her plans are even more illogical and flat out felony level stupid than those of Claudia Zacchara's? It broke my brain!

Jake: You do? You want her to stay and witness the birth of a pillow, do you?

Liza: She just asked for me to help. Do you know how long I've been waiting for my daughter to reach out to me?

Jake: Do you know how difficult this is going to be to pull off, do you?

Liza: Ok, one of the reasons I'm having this baby is bond with my daughter. Jake, she stays.

Bitch crazy.

General Hospital SHOCKER

In a twist that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, saw coming, Ric Lansing, treated so often by the writers as either a complete afterthought or a convenient scapegoat for terrible things, left Port Charles in a dignified way. He wasn't humiliated yet again by Jason or Sonny. His unconscious body wasn't again traipsed around town. And, most shockingly of all, left town ALIVE.

This is the first time in years that General Hospital has surprised me...aside from the surprise I have on a daily basis about the lengths the show will go to to be terrible, but you know what I mean.

Ric: I'd love nothing more than to take you down, Ms. Miller, but unfortunately, I'm leaving Port Charles.

Patrick: When did that come about?

Ric: Let's just say, I got an offer I couldn't refuse.

Hee! And Rick Hearst got an offer from a soap who recognizes the fact that he's crazy talented and will presumably write for him, not letting him sit on the backburner unless the script calls for mustache twirling villainy or losing an argument against Sonny.

Claudia: Where are you going? 

Ric: Los Angeles. It's interesting work...and it's completely legal.

And he's too right about the, um, interesting aspect of his upcoming work in LA. His character on B&B is named Whipple Jones III! That is endlessly entertaining, far more so than most of GH.

The character of Ric was poorly written and underdeveloped, and completely saved by Rick Hearst, who was far too good for this show. And, as Beth R. pointed out, his goodness was rewarded with the show taking him out of the opening credits before his last episode. All together now: This effing show...

Soap Blog Coalition

Ah the power of a recession! With daytime in an increasingly perilous state, several soap operas seem to finally be willing to pull out all the stops to attract new viewers and/or mainstream buzz by going gay, puritanical watchdog groups and skittish sponsors be damned. (Daytime Confidential)

Lots of Spoilers and Rumors out there this week. Is Ethan working for Helena? Will Jason and Johnny work together again? (GHOFS)

While Amanda longs to have her baby back and doesn't realize he's right under her nose, flashback to 1997 when Maria was in a similar situation. Only it was she who thought her baby was dead while Erica held on to little Maddie, passing her off as Russian adoptee Sonya. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

On the off chance that someone should ask them why they hate Ryan Lavery, the Serial Drama girls have started to compile a list of the myriad reasons for their loathing. (Serial Drama)

On a soapless summer weekend, we are more than often blessed with good weather which typically allows us to take a break and simply forget about the soaps for a couple of days. Find out how to survive the soapless weekends (Soap Opera Examiner)

It's nice to see Robin getting back to basics since returning home to Patrick and Emma last month. (The Scrubs Hub)

Sometimes the Wubs is all about the fun behind the soaps--check out some Nancy Lee Grahn and Brandon Barash tweets, fun tidbits and a little bit of Prime Time Dish. (Wubs.net)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Scenes from today's episode of All My Childrenmade me smile. And a genuine smile, at that! Normally whilst watching AMC, the only smile I can muster is of the "Let me tightly purse my lips and force a smile while I plot this show's downfall" variety.

And even more shocking, the scenes that made me downright gleeful involved Ryan, as in Ryan Lavery as in The Worst Person To Ever Be. He was only marginally involved with the awesomeness, though, and was mostly mute while Adam, Annie and Erica exchanged hilarious one-liners and cruelly taunted each other.

I don't love the fact that Erica was trying her best to provoke Annie into a full-on psychotic episode, and I don't love the fact that Adam is blindly devoted to Annie, and I don't love the fact that Annie is quite probably playing Adam, but I DO love awkward dinner parties and the way that La Lucci, David Canary and Melissa Claire Egan work with one another, and the way Annie kept eyeing fireplace pokers as possible weapons.

Three cheers for being funny on purpose!

Into the Woods

In Mean Girls, when Coach Carr was teaching sex ed, he told the students not to have sex because they will get chlamydia and/or pregnant, and then die. I feel like sex education in Port Charles should address similar downsides to sexual activity, such as

• you will get pregnant and have a miscarriage
• you will get pregnant and face some sort of mortal peril
• you will have a baby who eventually grows up to be shot or otherwise held at gunpoint
• you will have a baby who you stick in a tree

I don't understand why the General Hospital writers see children merely as new canvases for gunshots and life-threatening danger, when it's patently obvious that soap children are meant to be adorable scenery.

Ugh.

Obviously, Sonny's career and Carly's blind devotion to it are the reason that their children continue to wind up in dangerous scenarios, but since the show believes that their lifestyle is honorable and heroic, the constant danger seems less "karma for Sonny and Carly" than it does "let's exploit the audience's emotions by holding a gun on a kid! Dramatic jackpot!"

And what makes this even better is--wait for it--the person holding the gun on Sonny's kids is...Sonny's kid.

DID YOUR MIND JUST EXPLODE FROM THAT AWESOMENESS?!?!

I am unspoiled, so I don't know if Dominic actually is Dante, but the setup is so cliched and ridiculous that it pretty much has to be the case. Dominic's mention of Bensonhurst sealed the deal: you can't come from Bensonhurst and not have some sort of relationship with Sonny. I'm pretty sure the writers actually think that Bensonhurst is an imaginary place they invented...

(Also, the woods in Port Charles are terrible, perhaps even more so than the dangerous-ass park. Mob shootouts, mobsters' children being held hostage, babies being stuffed in trees. It is validating my dislike for the great outdoors!)

I Suppose This Is Technically Giving The Viewers What They Want

In theory, if I were forced to choose between being bored out of my mind or being a witness to limitless character/show history destruction, I'd choose the boredom, so I guess that today's episode of All My Children counts as a mild kind of wish fulfillment since, for the most part, I barely even got annoyed since I was so busy struggling to stay awake. Uh, nicely done, powers-that-be...

Seriously, the most interesting All My Childrenrelated thing to happen today was discovering that the actor who plays ADA Henry North is named Kieran Campion. Is that not the greatest name ever? And it turns out that he's an established Broadway actor once described  as "the all-American cutie with a smile begging to be cast in a Colgate commercial". So he's got that going for him.

What he doesn't have going for him is good writing or a good scene partner. Denise Vasi is so pretty--one of the prettiest women on soaps right now--but her entire acting repertoire consists of a blank stare and a mild line reading, no matter what the scene calls for. When she is being threatened by a pimp, or flirting with her husband, or getting upset that her husband was injured, she always stares blankly and says something in a pleasant monotone.

It turns out that North and Randi have a history, and that he fell in love and wanted to run away with her, going so far as to make arrangements to meet her at the train station and head for parts unknown, before Randi stood him up. I find this completely unsurprising.

Oh, sure, it is completely random and it contradicts Randi's prior assertions that she never had feelings for anyone before Frankie, but come on, how could any of us expect Pratt to not jump on the late "Hee! Politicians are skeevy!" bandwagon that Bob Guza just jumped on? Except instead of GH's Player Mayor we now have the...uh, Pay-D-A. I could make up puns for politician sex scandals all day long. The Daily News should hire me to write snappy headlines!