Serial Drama

The Crass and the Charming

You know, I have to give it to Brad Bell. When he sets out to crack us up, he does so effectively. At least I'm assuming that's what today's episode of The Bold & the Beautiful was intended to do, because I can't think of another motivation for what we got on our screens. 

Actually, wait. I did think of one other possibility. It's certainly feasible that he thinks women are self-hating idiots and he's written this entire television show just to test out that bogus "all women claim they wanted to be treated well but they really only like assholes" theory constantly spouted by douchey men everywhere, and has therefore set out to make sure women are still drooling over one of his "hunky" lead male characters even in the face of his total, utter heinousness and misogyny.

But that possibility is depressing and infuriating, so I'm going with Option A, the one where Bill Spencer is such a colossal ass because it's really effing funny. Because it is. Really. Effing. Funny.

Some of Bill's stand-out points today:

• "You know science has proven that men think about sex around 35 times an hour."
• Got wine-drunk and fantasized that Brooke was lasciviously opening her shirt for him while in fact she was cleaning some spilled wine with her napkin:

 

And Now, We Count Some Chickens Before They Hatch

Well, the day finally arrived.

 

Today's air episode was the first with Ron Carlivati as official Head Writer. And we all know what this means. General Hospital viewers the world over are morally obligated to pass judgment immediately on Carlivati's material and make a snap decision about the future of the show and the predicted quality of everything Port Charles that he touches from this point on. Ready?

Okay, in all seriousness, I'm trying really hard to just chill and take it episode by episode. No one can possibly envy the crapfest he inherited: a beloved character who grew up on the show is being killed off, we're in the middle of yet another "OH MY GAH WILL JASON LIVE?!" storyline of which the audience already knows the outcome, we just got the most predictable "somebody is appalled by Sonny and then he proves what a martyred hero he really is" one-two punch, and... well, and Kate.

(Hey Kate! Is a brain a foot, or is a brain not a foot? I'm just asking.)

I love how Tracy, Anthony, and the bus boy are all just politely watching the floor show. (To be fair, I really would love it if Kate were the one who shot Sonny.)

Curse You, Technology!

Please imagine me shaking my fist at the sky, raging. "Damn you, wires and gadgets! Damn, you!" Because technology is not a friend of mine today. My DVR did not record what I take to be a pretty damn important episode of General Hospital today, I forgot to charge my phone (which I guess you could spin as being "my fault", but...no) and comments at Serial Drama are being all sorts of wonky.

Just to recap: even though all of our posts are saying that Comments are closed...we don't want them to be! We are not getting rid of our comments section. Hopefully, we'll be able to have our comments back up and running as quickly as possible so we can read your genius and hilarious thoughts. We apologize for the inconvenience and, as ever, blame Sonny Corinthos for all of it.

UPDATE: Comments are back up and running! So if you need to vent about what happened to Robin this week or need to get off your chest just HOW MUCH you HATE Sonny CORINTHOS (when I get to caps locking, sometimes I just can't stop myself), have at it!

Hatred. All Caps, Italicized Hatred.

I had a terrible time starting this post because all I could say--literally, all my fingers would type--was I HATE SONNY CORINTHOS. And that just seemed a lazy start to a post, because, for starters, of course I hate Sonny Corinthos; I have ears and eyes and watch General Hospital. DUH, I hate him. And also because I have been semi-obsessively cataloging my hatred of him through this blog for the past six years. Again, DUH.

But also...isn't "hate" a little to benign a word for the feelings we felt while watching Sonny broadcast, in technicolor, what a horrible little person he is on Friday's show? I mean, there's run of the mill hate and then there's shake your fists impotently at the sky and make horrible noises because you are too filled with loathing to even string letters together to form words hate. Spend an excessive amount of time searching Urban Dictionary for the perfect scathing putdown and rejecting them all for being too pleasant hate. The kind of hate that, ironically, has you acting out just like Sonny would.

At Sonny's benefit for Pulmonary Research (tagline: "because bad things can happen to your child's lungs if they get shot, especially if you weren't the one who pulled the trigger"), Johnny showed up in the midst of his downward spiral, all tousled and sexy and looking for a fight and also, whiskey.

Sonny: Your money's not welcome here. I know, tell you what I'm going to do: for you, I'm going to give $10 million to cover our donation as well as mine.
Johnny: Sonny, your money is no cleaner than mine. Everyone in this room knows it. Isn't that true, Dante?
Sonny: Don't disrespect my son, Johnny!
Johnny: What, you can't speak for yourself, Detective Falconeri? Maybe it's true. Maybe your love and loyalty are for sale. Maybe Sonny finally bought and paid for you tonight, just like he's been trying to do since he shot you, isn't that right?
Sonny: Get him out of here.
Johnny: What, you're going to kick me out for telling the truth?
Sonny: If you choose to stay, I'll just tell everyone the truth about you.

(As ever, please imagine that each of Sonny's lines contained at least one brutally long pause, as well as a few stumbles and painful grasps for the next word)

Approximately six seconds after asking Johnny to leave, Sonny ran out of patience with Johnny, because Johnny made the fatal error of ruining a night that was supposed to be about Sonny's son and all of the other residents of Port Charles who could, in the future, benefit from new pulmonary research. And the odds are high that they WILL need such research, because people in this town get shot so often.Sonny didn't envision spending the evening defending his horrendous life choices and his criminal enterprise; he pictured himself doing little more than basking in accolades and listening with a smug smile as the rest of town gave heartfelt monologues about how selfless and wonderful he is. So he hit below the belt.

What is WRONG with Dante?! (and Other Pressing Questions)

That seemed to be the question of the day. Hilariously. I can't help but watch these episode in light of the recent full court press by the General Hospital cast and staff (and the soap press in general) to get people to tune in to the show to keep it on the air. What if someone's just peeking in for the first time? What must this look like to them?

Based on today's episode, they must have an awful lot of questions. For instance:

- This Sonny guy has dimples and is all dark and handsome and he's really nice to that Kate lady! Why is she so nervous about making him happy? He's such a swell guy, what could he ever have done that would have made her nervous or sad? This sure is a couple to root for!

- Why does this Jason fellow end every scene with the same facial expression?

A Totally and Surprisingly Non-Horrible Valentine's Day

In Port Charles? What? What?!

Before anyone goes crazy on me, no, it wasn't a perfect and wonderful and romantic Valentine's Day episode of General Hospital, the soap about how much love sucks. But considering it is the soap about how much love sucks, it was not a half-bad showing. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because today is the day I'm allowed to eat all the chocolate I see without feeling guilty about it (right?) or because Cougar Town is finally back tonight (I've missed Big Carl so much!). But even if I weren't feeling generous already because of those little joys, GH basically earned a free pass from me today because seriously, they could have knighted town saint/hitman Jason on today's episode and it would have been okay with me because: 

 

Oh! Em! Gee! Anna's back! We knew she was coming, but that paled in comparison to actually having her there on the screen in a full episode. 1985 Louise is dancing a jig in stirrup pants. Duke/Anna 'shipping Louise is cutting out photos from magazines and pasting them on her wall and dreaming of her future groom and what color kilt he'll wear.

These Plot Twists Aren't Remotely Twisty (And These Plots Are Barely Even Plots)

Well I, for one, have never been more floored by a soap moment than I was towards the end of today's General Hospital when we heard this shocking medical bombshell:

Patrick to a dumbfounded Jason. Granted, there's no way of knowing how Jason actually felt, since he has exactly one facial expression, but the dramatic score leads me to believe he felt dumbfounded and heartbroken and maybe even a little hungry: Your condition isn't going away...it's getting worse [...] Your condition is inoperable.

I should point out that when I say "floored", I don't mean "surprised"; I mean "floored" like "I am currently on the floor, in the fetal position, sobbing that we are going to have to sit through ANOTHER story about Jason being on the verge of death, even though that story has been told literally dozens of times and dozens is actually rounding down, substantially and even though there is no chance in hell that Jason will be in serious jeopardy, because then what would the show be about? Doctors? As if! Also, can we talk about how this story's screentime will completely and totally dwarf the screentime that Robin got in her poor, marginalized little possible deathbed storyline? Sob, snort, etc.".

My heavy sigh could not be any heavier.

...OR COULD IT?!

The Upside and the Downside

Let's just get the downside out of the way first because it's too depressing to end with it.

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record on this topic but, really, what am I supposed to do when EVERY FREAKING EPISODE is a broken record, rehashing the same crap and the same storyline over and over and over, ad nauseam. But oh my lord why are women fighting for the love of Liam Spencer, the waffling-est, most spineless douche in town? (And that's saying a lot in a town where Ridge Forrester lives.) 

So today we got yet another interrupted wedding in which Hope was shocked -- shocked! -- to learn that she doesn't get to marry her stepsister's husband the day after he dumped her stepsister, because said stepsister refuses to sign the annulment papers. Liam, on the other hand, hadn't had the balls to tell his "beloved" that this might even be an issue. Why? Because Brooke said not to. So he just sort of stood around like the spineless sad sack he is during this whole revelation.

Oh no! How on Earth could this have gone wrong??!!

So Hope ran off to go confront Steffy herself, and Liam started to run after her because for moment he had his own thought and his own agency. That... lasted approximately three and a half seconds.

Ridge, as everyone else has done every time Liam has almost had a thought and action of his own, went ahead and stopped him and explained to him what he really thinks, which is that Hope needs to confront Steffy.

Liam, as he has done every time anyone has told him anything, did what he was told because having his own thought, idea, and plan of action for three and a half seconds was really scary, y'all.

The Tired and the Overplayed

I'm throwing out my white flag here, B&B. I give up, I give in. 

First of all, I wasn't quite sure I got all the words right, but something very close to this line of dialogue was actually spoken today:

Steffy: Hope's a station wagon. I'm a 1200cc twin-pipe crotch-rocket ready to burn rubber on that heart o' yours. How can you say no to that?

Oh my sweet mercy! How can you say no to that? Easily! It's terrifying! Who says that?!

I just cannot with this show anymore. I mean of course Steffy's not signing the annulment papers, it wouldn't be soapy if she did. It's just that they keep teasing other storylines, pretending like this shit is over or at least no longer the main event. But it is. And I've given up all hope that we'll ever see the end of it. Now all the soap buzz is that Hope/Liam/Steffy is going to be the hot triangle of the next generation ala Taylor/Ridge/Brooke because last week got good ratings. What? Didn't we all tune in last week to watch this effing triangle end?! And while Taylor/Ridge/Brooke was played out for a decade too long, it worked back in the day because both pairings had some real heat. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I can't find any appeal in either of these pairings. Not even a little bit. Liam changes his mind every five seconds and makes lifetime commitments on the turn of a dime, and both women think he shouldn't do that....except that Hope thinks it's okay to do if she benefits, and Steffy thinks it's okay to do if she benefits. And their freaking families are pathetically over-invested and I just want everyone involved to shut up about it, like, forever. This storyline has headlined the show non-stop since August and it's time to let it go. I'm never going to like every story going on a soap, but we stick with soaps anyway because they have more than one story! And I don't mean once a week. I mean every single solitary episode. It's time to hit the reset button. With all due respect to Scott Clifton who is a terrific actor, there's nothing about this that I want to watch. I can't be the only one.

When Things Got Real Special In Llanview (or Outer Space, or the Wild West...)

Time for another One Life to Live poll as we all adjust to life without Llanview (and trust me, a poll on how we're all coping is impending) as many of us wait for a few OLTL-ers to visit General Hospital in what will likely be a fruitless attempt to pretend our show isn't gone.

This time our trip down memory lane will take us the "special" episodes or storylines, where there was more than just a big sweeps event, there was actually something different from our typical reality. Sometimes our characters had crazy dreams that took them into alternate worlds where everyone turned into everyone else or where a surreal episode of another soap took place around them. Other times they traveled through space and time or to bizarre cities inside Llantano Mountain. Sometimes the gang broke out into song and dance, and sometimes they visited their lost loved ones in Heaven, Hell, or some strange version of Purgatory. And other times the storylines moved along as usual but something exciting was going on behind the scenes.

As usual, I just threw out the first ones that came to mind and surely forgot a few major temporary paradigm shifts, so be sure to pick "Other" and write-in your picks in the comments section! You can only submit once, but in that submission you can vote for as many of your favorites as you want. Then take to the comments to talk about how crazy-awesome your favorite crazy-special episode or storyline was.

The Attack of the Overactors

I'm not sure why, exactly, the General Hospital actors have decided to go for broke in terms of over-the-top drama, but go for broke they have--lately it's been all "Eyes bugging out of heads" and "Sneers that require the movement of, literally, every single facial muscle" and "WAAAAAAILS! of EMOOOTION". It's entirely possible that they feel like they need to do something, anything in order to breathe life into a job that requires them to repeat the same lines of dialogue for months at a time. It's also entirely possible, and maybe even probable, that some of these people are just not very good at their jobs. But my favorite theory is that everybody has been watching Bruce Weitz intently and jealously, as he tossed chairs and primal screamed and contorted his face like he was Claymation, biding their time until they had the chance to inject such crazy into routine conversation.

They took their chances this week and ran with them!

Sonny: NO, I could NOT talk to you earlier. Look....it doesn't matter, it was BAD...[...]timing..Okay, tell your guy to stay om him. LISTEN TO ME [Licks lips for an extended period of time]--don't worry about THAT, because I got a PRETTY GOOD IDEA how to deal with him.

Shawn: Move on with your life.
Carly: That's what I'm trying to do!
Shawn: Then sign the divorce papers and move on with your life once and for all.
Carly: [Contorts her face into a sneer so terrifying that her next line of dialogue may well have been "I want to disembowel you and dance on your grave"]

Steve: [Physically attacks a vending machine while screaming unintelligibly]

Steve, winded like he ran a marathon and RAGEY: UGH. I did EVERYTHING I could to SAVE him and give him his LIFE BACK. But you know, after a point, it's OUT OF MY HANDS. At least that's what I TELL myself.

Trauma Recovery 101

TRAUMA RECOVERY 101

Course Syllabus

Instructor: St. Jason Morgan
Date/Time: Weekdays, 3pm-4pm EST
Credits: ALL OF THE CREDITS. ALL OF THEM. FOR CRAP'S SAKE, DIDN'T YOU SEE WHO THE INSTRUCTOR IS?!

Summary: In this course, we will discuss how to help a loved one through a trauma. This semester's course will focus on the aftermath of one's wife getting maybe-raped by a psychopath/conceptual artist, since it's something most people have experience with and there are some easy tools to help one handle wifey's "emotions" (for an understanding of the term, please refer to the recommended prerequisite course EMOTIONS 101, taught by Professor Sonny Corinthos). We'll cover how simple the recovery process is when the wife learns she is pregnant and gets a quickie paternity test. We'll cover a few things, like how you should really have a chat with the OB-GYN first to make sure she delivers the paternity news in the proper order. Wifey is fragile when having "emotions," so the OB-GYN should not launch right into the good news that the baby doesn't share DNA with the maybe-rapist-psychopath/conceptual artist. It's better for the OB-GYN to get a few other things out of the way first, so wifey can have a chance to settle in to her "emotions." Have the doctor talk about the chromosomal disorders that have been ruled out: no cystic fibrosis, Down Syndrome, MS, or hemophilia. As the doctor drones on about the baby's development and wifey is nervously asking about the paternity, make sure to almost pop a blood vessel and make it clear that you might literally explode if the result is bad news. Wifey will feel more supported if she knows you are more upset about this than she is. Do make sure that when the doctor does finally get around to confirming you as the biological father, she does a dramatic pause before doing so. With all this in place, you can guarantee that wifey's and your love song might start underscoring your joyous moment. At this moment, wifey should obviously have recovered from her mayberape trauma, but just in case she hasn't realized that she should be totally over possibly being raped and most certainly being violated in some manner by a man who was just trying to mess with you, explain it to her simply: "You do not have to think about that night... ever again." Presto-change-o! She's over the rape! Once you have completed this course, you might want to head over to the Women's Studies department or possibly the Take Back the Night rally that those hysterical girls keep putting on every year in the quad and make sure they understand that rape trauma is only a legitimate and lasting trauma if the rape results in a child. If the rape victim (or mayberape victim, as the case may be, depending on how bleak-minded your writers are when trying to come up with an exciting mystery) immediately becomes pregnant and you are the father, it's all over! She'll never think about the rape! EVER AGAIN! In fact, why am I even teaching this course? This is a one-afternoon lecture! For which you should get ALL OF THE COURSE CREDITS IN THE WORLD.

These People Are Just...Terrible At Their Jobs

Because I am an eternal pessimist, I knew--I just knew with absolute certainty, almost like a psychic vision, although such things happen with such regrettable certainty when it comes to General Hospital that it's less "psychic vision" and more "painful life experience"--that Robin's exit storyline would be torpedoed by a spectacular lack of caring on the part of the powers-that-be and that the best we could hope for was a handful of phenomenally performed scenes between Robin and her loved ones sandwiched in between Cassandra and Ethan talking vacantly and Olivia being obnoxious in the guise of "keeping it real".

But I didn't think that asking for two full minutes between Robin and her Uncle Mac was a greedy and excessive wish. Apparently, though, it was. All this relationship merited was 46 seconds of screentime. Yes, I timed it, because I am an overly invested freak, but REALLY, 46 SECONDS. That is a slap in the damn face to anyone who loves the Scorpio family, and General Hospital history and the adjective "soapy".

Patrick: No, stop it. We are not putting our life on hold. You did that already when, for weeks, you didn't tell me that your viral load is unstable because you didn't feel --
Mac: Or anyone else, for that matter.
Robin: Uncle Mac.
Mac: What is going on?
Robin: I just -- I-I had a scare.
Mac: About your viral load?
Robin: Yes.
Mac: What happened?
Robin: I'm on a new protocol now, and we have every reason to believe that it's going to work.
Mac: The night I found you on the bridge, the anniversary of stone's death -- you knew, right? You didn't say anything.
Robin: I know. I'm sorry. I -- you know, after everything I went through with Stone, I just got panicked.
Mac: "Went through." Robin, exactly -- "went through." That's what people do when they love each other. I would have been there. I should have been.
Robin: I know, it's -- it's my fault. I'm sorry. It's okay.

That's IT. Any scene between Robin and Mac at this point should have me sobbing to the point of wheezing, not sitting there impatiently waiting for followup scenes that never came.

To put it in perspective, these are things that the General Hospital powers-that-be consider more compelling than Robin and Mac sharing an emotional, moving scene:

• Sonny and Kate arguing about I cannot even tell you what, because I could not hear any of their dialogue over the scenes of my laughter, because holy hell, that was some of the worst acting ever put on film. When an over-actor meets an actor criminally unprepared to film his scenes, it's like something out of my nightmares, or a particularly bad high school performance of Grease.
• Menopause humor! Isn't it hilarious that Alexis is going through menopause and didn't know it? And isn't even more hilarious and not at all gross that it led to a frank discussion of Sonny's sperm? HAHAHA, I hate my life.
• A character who has been on the show for about a minute taunting a character who has been around for a while, but who is so uninteresting and useless that I always think of him as being brand new, about the secret (and, I'm assuming, boring) events of their past that happened offscreen.

This effing show.

 

The Lost and the Frightened!

Am I crazy or has The Bold & the Beautiful had the occasional serious uptick in the quality of the scriptwriting lately? I'm not saying every episode has had spectacular dialogue, but there's usually a couple of them each week now. (Is this due to Michele Val Jean's new gig on the scriptwriting staff, or have there been other changes as well? I'm not as in-the-loop on the CBS behind-the-scenes stuff.)

Because seriously, yesterday? Those scenes between Liam and Bill were fabulous. I mean I finally started to understand the depths of these two characters in their confrontation about all of Bill's machinations.

Bill: Why don't you simplify everything? Call your wife and ask her to come back.

Liam: My god. Is this the only way you know how to have a conversation with me? Making demands? Criticizing before you even know what's going on? I'm done with that relationship, Dad. So we're either gonna have a new one, or we're not gonna have one.

Bill: I don't understand you. You're my flesh and blood. You're my son, and half the time I don't understand you.

Liam: Okay. Okay, you don't understand me. That's one true thing you've said.

Bill: You're angry at me. You hate my guts. Just bottom-line it for me. I'm better that way.

Liam: Hey, you came to me. You on a fact-finding mission, or you got something to say?

Bill: Oh, come on, you know why I'm here. I want to know what you intend to do.

Liam: Why? So you can hire somebody to stop me? [Ha! --Ed.]

Bill: You know what? (Exhales deeply) What do you want from me?

Liam: Less, Dad! Less of everything -- less manipulating, less lying, less bullying, less B.S., less acting like you are entitled to me -- because you're not -- less trying to "make a man" out of me, because men are not made the way magazines are made. And in any case, it's too late for that. And, and do not -- do not come knocking on my door demanding to know what I want from you. What the -- what the hell is that? If you have something you want, if you have something you have to say to me, then let's hear it. Otherwise, you can drive back to town in your shiny black car and come back when you find some humility. [Damn, boy, you tell 'im!  --Ed.]

Bill: I'm sorry.

Liam: You're not.

One Life to Love (or Really, THOUSANDS)

Time for another poll to ease the pain of our loss! I know this one's going to get me in big trouble because of some RIDICULOUS SUPER-AMAZING OBVIOUS couple that I didn't put in my list of fifty possibilities, but please keep in mind that this is just for fun and out of the literally thousands of possibilities, I decided to stop brainstorming at 50 and am not pretending that this is a list of the "top" 50 couples or anything. Because memory lane is fun, but my brain is tired. So use the comments to talk about why your favorite couples were your favorite couples or to write-in who your favorite unlisted couples were! (e.g., honestly my favorite pairing for Dorian was with Ray, but I didn't even list them because I didn't think of them as a "major" couple. But they were hot. And there are certainly major couples I completely forgot. I was trying to remember if the Gannon brothers ever had any really epic pairings, and it's kind of lame because even though I really loved Hank and Sheila, they weren't exactly a big story, were they? But if they were your favorite, write 'em in! Again, I stopped at fifty.)

Okay, that was enough disclaimers, right? Here goes! After the jump, register your votes (and you can vote for as many as you want) for your favorite Llanview pairings ever!

Building a Mystery

I'm really quite interested in the resolution to this latest whodunit General Hospital is offering. Well, not interested, exactly--more like I'm anxious for it to be over. Not because I care, in any way, about the identity of the person assaulting unnamed strippers off-camera, but because the sooner it ends, the sooner we can get Michael's dramatic "I AND I ALONE SOLVED THIS CRIME, AND I DID IT FOR ABBY BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" monologue over with. Having that hanging over my head is causing me some serious consternation.

THANKFULLY, we have possibly made some progress on this front. Granted, this could be the reddest of herrings, but considering how nonsensical and lazy the GH writing staff seems to be, it's an incredibly safe bet that the assaulter could wind up being none other than Ronnie Dimestico, he of the shoe polish head for whom I have developed a strange fondness.

Look at how menacingly he is drinking that water!

Ewen's profile of the unsub really drove it all home, although I did become suspicious at Ronnie's ability to quietly move from place to place in a matter of seconds, without making a sound.

Ewen: I reviewed your files and was able to work up a profile on the assault suspect. I'd say you're after a male, Caucasian, 25 to 40, probably not originally from this area.

EWEN: Possibly from somewhere like...Brooklyn.
RONNIE: Fuhgeddaboutit!

Ewen: He's a student of human nature who works and interacts with people outside their homes.

EWEN: ...at places like crime scenes or police stations.

Ewen: Most likely, he's had difficult relations with women in his personal life.

PADILLA: So what you're saying--
RONNIE: GODDAMN IT, PADILLA, CAN'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR WHORE MOUTH SHUT FOR ONCE?

Ewen: But he would never hurt someone who was close to him. Instead, he takes out his anger and frustration on the strangers, the victims.

RONNIE: So you're safe, Padilla.
PADILLA: ...wha--
RONNIE: DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TO SHUT UP?!

Ewen: He may have had a criminal history, but D'onofrio wasn't the attacker. I read his file, too. History of public crime, domestic abuse. Way too obvious. The man you're looking for is far more cunning. You could be standing right beside him and you might not even know it.

EWEN: Just like I'm standing right next to you, looking at you pointedly.
RONNIE: GODDAMNIT, PADILLA!

It COULD just be a misdirect but, come on, the only thing this show loves more than cops behaving poorly is military veterans with no morals.

This Is How a Heart Breaks: Slowly, From Sadness and (Mostly) Frustration

I know that I exaggerate A LOT and make all sorts of wildly melodramatic pronouncements about the many ways General Hospital brings me physical and mental anguish, so you might not believe that this literally happened, because I've also claimed that "I literally fell asleep behind the wheel just thinking about General Hospital" and "This show has literally led my brain cells to deteriorate, causing noticeable, though minor, memory loss", but it's the truth: General Hospital is so hard to sit through that it literally made me cry. Literally.

Of all the storylines--sorry, I forgot the sarcastic airquotes. "Storylines". Because these aren't stories as much as they are single lines of dialogue repeated endlessly--there are two that are compelling. And even those are difficult to sit through; one is immensely heartbreaking and the other is sordid and gross. The rest? Feh. Meh. Snooze. Booooring.

I mean, consider this: my cable guide's description for Friday's episode begins with "Sonny and Kate discuss future plans for the restaurant". They LED with that. Like, that was the part of the episode that would entice channel-flickers to stick around for more. TALKING ABOUT A RESTAURANT.

(Although, to be fair, how else would they have spun it? "Kate is completely and utterly brainwashed*. Lulu's insta-alcoholism worsens**. Johnny can seriously rock some facial hair. Spinelli is the world's worst***")

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our thoughts on General Hospital and The Bold & the Beautiful were featured in the January 31st issue of Soap Opera Digest.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen 

GENERAL HOSPITAL’s disinterest in telling love stories is nothing new—I think we all know that if given the choice between a sweeping romance and a slow-motion shootout, GH will always choose the shootout — but it’s especially noticeable when therest of the world readies itself for Valentine’s Day. Love songs on the radio, pink and red decorations as far as the eye can see and then there’s Port Charles; poor, romantically bankrupt Port Charles.

Perhaps that’s overstating things a bit, because there are some truly happy couples. Lulu and Dante were finally married in a delightful, very them ceremony where the only negative was the complete lack of guests on the bride’s side; I know that the wedding coincided with Jonathan Jackson’s exit and that scheduling must have been tight, but it would have been nice to even see Lucky extend even the briefest of well-wishes to his sister over the phone. Steve and Olivia, too, can be classified as a happy couple—they can’t be classified as a couple in which both parties have two distinct personality traits (sorry, show, but “Memphis” is not a personality trait) , but happy? Sure.

The rest of the show is where love takes a backseat to misery. There are the couplings with serious stalker undertones (watching Anthony court Tracy is basically like sitting through a sexual harassment seminar. Bruce Weitz and Jane Elliott should sue) and the couples who are allowed approximately four seconds of happiness. Robin and Patrick have shared some incredibly sweet scenes recently that were almost impossible to enjoyas the omnipresent “Something BAD is going to happen to ROBIN! BAD! And SAD!” foreshadowing was practically suffocating. Jason and Sam were finally married aftera long and often-turbulent courtship (it’s not every couple that can move past one half witnessing the kidnapping of the other half’s son, and also one partner making veiled threats to kill the other, so more power them, I guess) and barely had the chance to behappy before disaster struck, in the form of Franco drugging them both and possibly raping the bride on their honeymoon. I know that the saying goes that happy couples automatically become boring couples, but soap writers, I assure you: the happiest of couples can still be must-see TV if the writing is good.

Two Episodes in One!

Y'all, this show seriously is getting more bipolar than Sonny Corinthos. Today's B&B was half embarrassing, treacly nonsense and half classic soapy feast!

A good lesson can be learned here. While the show is notorious for lightning-fast romances (and marriages!) and break-ups and more inter-familial partner swapping than the Westboro Baptist Church, that's not where speed is refreshing. Speed is refreshing when there's a major secret that someone learns and within three episodes, that someone has exposed that secret to all the relevant parties. 

After one short hilarious episode of being locked in the tower (of the very house of the two people Bill was trying to keep her from talking to), Katie came right out and exposed Bill's ruse in which he bribed doctors to pretend that Steffy was dying in order to keep Liam from leaving her and being with Hope. Bill did a lot of stonewalling when Liam and Steffy were begging him to confirm or deny, and he absurdly even tried to deny it at first, saying he'd locked his wife in the tower so she wouldn't... what, invent a silly story that could easily be disproved?

Anyway, obviously he eventually had to admit it and then the layers got fun. Katie is still convinced that Steffy was involved (she wasn't) and Liam is pretty sure that Steffy must have known (she didn't) and Bill made very little effort to try to exonerate Steffy. Steffy, meanwhile, was obviously shattered since she'd spent the last couple weeks thinking she was dying (as did her entire family), and Bill's scheming has now ruined any chance she may have had to fight for Liam (sure, wasn't going to work, but that's beside the point). Steffy's in a heck of a "girl who cried wolf" pickle right now since it only follows that Liam and Katie would think she was in on it, but that misunderstanding can pretty easily be proven if it even matters anymore. I have to say it's kind of delicious. Bill did all this because he wanted to keep Steffy close to him because he's still hot for her, and now even she hates him. And then she pointed out that Bill and Katie's marriage is probably over now, too, and neither of them could muster up much disagreement there. 

Fun, fun, soapy-ass stuff.

In Praise of Llanview's Scoundrel Population

Next poll! This time, we're voting on our favorite One Life to Live baddies. Not all of them have to be full-on black-hat, mustache-twirling villains... but at least in the neighborhood. And by "favorite," it can mean anything from a villain you loved to hate, a villain you loved to hate as long as he/she was in small doses, a villain you knew was bad but you couldn't help but root for despite yourself, or a villain you despised and who got under your skin so much that you knew the actor was just killing it.

And again, the choices I've offered are just off the top of my head and are in no way meant to be comprehensive, so use the comments section for your write-ins and, of course, to talk about why your villain was the baddest of the bad-ass baddies. Once you've submitted your vote, the system won't allow you to vote again, so remember to pick all your favorites the first time!

 

poll by twiigs.com

Wholesome Fun For The Whole Family!

You can say many things about General Hospital; I have said many things, most of them terrible and many of them potentially slanderous. But one thing you cannot say is that this show is not thought-provoking. Because it is. It makes me think. Granted, it makes me think of the depths of human misery and have particularly depressing internal debates like "Which is funnier: a psychopath faking the death of a child or a psychopath pimping his child out to a mobster and spending the ensuing decades emotionally abusing both of them?*", but I'm thinking!

*Obviously, normal human beings find neither of these horrible things anything less than viscerally upsetting, but General Hospital spun Lucky's presumed death at Helena's hands as a wacky shenanigan and chose to juxtapose the revelation of Claudia's abuse with "comical" scenes of her father and Tracy's wedding (the wedding that came about through threats and blackmail--again with the hilarity!). Are people even writing this show anymore or are plots harvested from a collection of especially perverse Mad-Libs? "Let's see, [OFFENSIVE WORD FOR WOMAN] gets [ACT OF VIOLENCE] with a [WEAPON] and is then [ANOTHER VIOLENT CRIME] on videotape".

More Favorites for Our Late, Lamented Show

Next poll! This one is kind of ridiculous because there are literally thousands of possibilities, so I just came up with about forty off the top of my head... so no one's allowed to yell at me in the comments for forgetting someone obvious! Comments are for your own write-in picks or talking about how very super-awesome all your favorite characters were. And vote for as many as you want (as I would have to, since there's no way I could narrow it down to one!).

 

poll by twiigs.com

Get It, Katie!

I have to confess that I've had a hard time getting my heart into writing about other shows after the loss of One Life to Live, but alas, life goes on. The Bold & the Beautiful hasn't exactly been making it easier, what with more of the tedious Steffy/Liam/Hope "triangle" that somehow involves everyone in town, random instant declarations of love from Nick to Donna (?), and... I'm not even sure what to think about the bizarre cross-promotion with Let's Make a Deal.

But!

But!

Then there's Katie.

Heather Tom has just been tearing it up the past few episodes. Katie knew something sounded just a little too perfect when she heard that Steffy magically turned up with a life-threatening condition right around the very second Liam told Bill of his intentions to leave Steffy and go back to Hope. She did some good digging and discovered that, indeed, Bill had faked the MRI results and paid off a bunch of people so that Liam wouldn't leave Steffy. Because really, when you're a swell guy who wants nothing but the best for your son, the best course of action is generally to make a young woman and her loved ones think she's facing imminent death. Class act, that Bill Spencer. What a catch, right?

SPOILsport

If I were to meet Frank Valentini or Ron Carlivati, I'd rattle off a General Hospital wish list with such speed and specificity that it would, frankly, terrify all involved and they'd back away nervously and then make fun of me later for operating under the assumption that I'm in the position to give them any sort of advice on writing and producing a soap opera since they have done both of those things and I...have built a part-time career mocking people who do those things, almost exclusively in run-on sentences.

So I will stick to offering them sage wisdom here, and I have two pieces after slogging through the interminably boring last few days of General Hospital.

PIECE OF ADVICE #1: Do whatever is necessary to bring Ingo Rademacher back permanently.

Because REALLY. Jax and Michael's emotional conversation was the undisputed highlight of this week, because JAX! And also because Chad Duell and Ingo Rademacher did such a lovely job with their really emotional scenes and because not once--not even for a second!--did I start to fondly reminisce about the time Michael was in a coma, near-death. How Jax was disappointed with Michael for even having a gun and was supportive and kind enough to NOT let loose an expletive-laden "How freaking stupid ARE YOU?" rant and how he's such a good father and--well, all of this.

Michael: So, what? Just because my mom lives here doesn't mean you have to take off. Look, there are -- there's a lot of people here that you care about.
Jax: Yeah. Yeah. You, Morgan, and Josslyn are on top of that list.
Michael: Now that everybody knows that you're alive, why can't you just stay?
Jax: I can't.
Michael: Please. Just stay.

Aww, right? I felt GENUINE sympathy for Michael, which almost never happens anymore these days.

PIECE OF ADVICE #2: Drop this (SPOILERY) plotline. Seriously, it is terrible.

Behind the jump a SPOILER! (a spoiler that you can probably guess if you think of the dumbest, most ill-timed "plot" "twist" these people can throw at you)

Can't Let Go, No No No

All right, forget my whole attempt at dignity and letting go gracefully. This is not a strength of mine (really, ask any of my friends). So now I'll periodically let us have some fun and games. Let's start with a simple poll!

This one is about your favorite episode ever of One Life to Live. This does not count "very special" episodes (e.g., Trading Places, Fraternity Row, Live Week, etc.)... another day for that!

Vote for as many as you want (I know I couldn't pick just one) and add new ones in the comments! And also take to the comments to talk about why!

What was your all-time favorite episode of One Life to Live?

• Tina and the Iguazu Falls
• The Vicker Man premiere
• Other (tell us in the comments!)
• We meet Viki's OTHER alters (besides Niki)
• Billy Douglas comes out
• Dorian "confesses" to killing Mitch
• Karen on the witness stand
• The KAD trial's conclusion
• Asa's wives at his fake funeral
• Bo and Nora's first wedding
• "Todd's" execution
• The series finale
• Dorian and Viki trapped... well, there were a lot of those!
• Jake returns and Megan dies in his arms
• Sarah interrupts Bo and Cassie's wedding
• Tina interrupts Cord and Kate's wedding
• Blair and Todd's gold balloon wedding
• The penultimate episode (Viki's soap opera speech)
• Viki and Clint's second wedding

Created on Jan 21, 2012

View Results

poll by twiigs.com