Serial Drama

What To Expect When You're Expecting in Port Charles

If I were pregnant in Port Charles, I would...I would be seriously upset, because odds are that Sonny would be the father of my child, even if we had never slept together, because the only real skill he seems to have is fathering children. Anyway, if I were pregnant in Port Charles, I'd go on bedrest almost immediately because everything on the planet is a danger for pregnant women in this town. Stairs? DEADLY. Inclement weather? KILLER. Dr. Lee? DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT.

Any reasonable woman knows this and, during a huge rainstorm, would simply call 911 at the first sight of drizzle and request to be taken to General Hospital just in case. Tea, clearly, doesn't know any better because she's just a visitor (and based on the sounds she makes, might not even be human at all. What were those noises? How can a person's vocal cords do that? I was mystified), but Sam? Sam should know! Sam should have parked herself in the GH waiting room in, like, January and refused to leave. Actually, scratch that--she should have parked herself in the Mercy Hospital waiting room and refused to leave, because then at least she wouldn't be grappling with Kelly. Fools, fools, fools!

Because of this foolishness, Tea and Sam found themselves giving birth in the most dangerous and unsanitary ways possible, each aided by a man noticeably lacking any sort of medical training, while a vengeful and ever-nutty. Heather Webber meanders around town accompanied by a corpse and dressed like she's living out her own version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. And they will soon find themselves in the midst of that soap staple: the baby switch story. I mean, right? We have a(-nother) dead/dying baby and a live baby whose mother is being targeted by a vengeful crazy. CLEARLY, we are in for some shenanigans and a whole lot of sadness on the part of Sam McCall.

The Comic & the Ignorant

It happened! The Bold & the Beautiful had a scene that was funny and was SUPPOSED to be funny! And that totally mocked their assiest character!

Honestly, I'd read in one of the articles a while back introducing this whole storyline with Karen and Dani that at one point Bill decides Dani was hitting on him, and I got nervous. I got nervous because I assumed that Bill knew Dani was Karen's wife and that Karen would get all jealous and I started having extremely unfortunately Bianca/Reese/Zach flashbacks from All My Children. And admittedly it's been a long time since I had a whole lot of faith in this show, and the idea that the first time a show SET IN L.A. ABOUT THE FREAKING FASHION INDUSTRY was going to feature any gay characters was going to be in another "Yeah, but if she meets a dude hot enough she can be switched back" scenario? I was worried. But I was wrong! In such cases, I love to admit that I was wrong! (Let's just hope it stays that way.)

Turns out, Bill doesn't have a clue and looked like a total jackass yesterday when, due to his Mount Vesuvius-sized ego, he assumed Dani was hitting on him while he was interviewing her for a job. The follow-up conversation was intentional comedy gold...

Bill: That kind of behavior during a job interview...she was hitting on me the whole time, Karen.

Karen (highly amused): You think she was flirting with you?

Bill: I don't think anything. She was practically undressing me with her eyes. You know, she's a beautiful woman, and back in the day, pre-Katie, if I saw her at a bar--

Karen: Bill. Your virtue is perfectly safe. I assure you, she was not hitting on you.

Wednesday's Sorrow and Joy

I knew that when I looked at my DVR description of today's General Hospital and it said, "Spinelli has a broken heart" and I was overcome with schadenfreude, I'd have to just go ahead and indulge in a straight recap of the episode.

So we open with just that. Spinelli, who "selflessly" "rescued" Maxie (you certainly can't use either of those words without quotes in this context) in another attempt to win her back learns that, no, it didn't win Maxie back because none of the times he "selflessly" does something for her in an attempt to win her back ever work. But because he is insane and annoying, he assumed this one would be the clincher. Nope, she married Matt because she found out from a fancy legal book that it means she won't have to testify against him. Presto change-o, they both go free! Because that's totally logical, considering the entirety of her release depended on her testimony against Matt. Spinelli reacts to this with a puppy dog face. How dare she not reward his "selfless" act by getting back together with him?

See? Big book! Wedding ring! Magic!

At the PCPD, Dante and Dolores discuss their mutual incompetence. Or not really, but close enough.

Tracy and Luke are at the boathouse wondering where Anthony's body went.

Anthony is busy being an annoying ghost. Johnny is annoyed since he'd called the cops with an anonymous tip. Kind of like the anonymous tip that got Jason arrested for Franco's murder (meaning the Beecher's Corners police know FOR A FACT that it was Jason!). Jason explains to John McBain that the anonymous tip was from John. John resists, at least for a moment, explaining the definition of "anonymous" to Jason. 

Kristina tells her family they're going to be in her Mob Princess reality show.

The Crazy & the Smothering

Brooke. Oh, Brooke.

You know, I've generally enjoyed Brooke a lot so it irritates me when she's being awful, it really does. And right now, she is being awful. They have really got to find her a more interesting storyline than, "Over-involved with her 'adult' daughter to the point that it's pathological."

I know that soap families are always about a million times more involved in the minutiae of each other's lives than most families are in real life (since in real life, it's rare that the entirety of one's extended family lives in spitting distance and even rarer that we all have unlimited amounts of free time in which to get up in one another's grills), but this is ridiculous. It's not just Brooke, of course, since Bill is also pretty unhinged about this whole thing -- but he's an assface and loves the idea of being a puppet-master, so it makes more sense for him. Brooke, on the other hand...

She actually went to her daughter's freaking therapist to instruct her to change her course of therapy. It was bad enough that she was attending all of Hope's earlier sessions (that were themed on Hope's issues with sex, I might add) and I'd been relieved that they finally let Hope have some sessions on her own. But really. I'm getting a little squicked out by everyone who gets to know about what's going on in her private therapy -- I don't know what it is, especially since people get violated on this show every which way, but this one just seems like such an appalling invasion to me. Perhaps it's because actually going to therapy is in fact very non-soapy and so it's hard not to apply some real-life values to the scenario. Evil twin? No problem-o. Back from the dead? Do what you want, I won't look for verisimilitude there! But good lord, stop turning Brooke Logan into Mommie Dearest!

There are two upsides to all this, though. One is that we get to see more Hillary B. Smith as Stacy (and I actually think that's another problem with this -- she's almost too good at playing this therapist that it makes me settle in for realism when I should really know better than that!) (she is also wasted in the role, of course, and they should give Stacy a life outside those sessions!).

Please Don't Forget the REAL Victim

I don't want this to become a habit because, for starters, it would get incredibly repetitive incredibly quickly and I'd get sick of typing the word just after you got sick of reading them. And--and this is probably the most important to me, because there is little in this world that I enjoy more than being haughty and judgmental--I'd lose the moral high ground, you know? Like, I can't really rail against this show for being creatively bankrupt while I make a career out of posting the exact same post on a daily basis (Introductory paragraph written in either a pithy, self-effacing tone or a grouchy, caps lock filled angry tone, followed by a particularly horrible quote by Sonny, followed by a wordy declaration of my own speechlessness), can I?

BUT IN FAIRNESS TO ME...Sonny is the freaking worst. Like, to the point that I barely even absorbed any of the show after Sonny barked out this nugget of delusion. Mostly because I went deaf. Although I WAS mentally present for the show's very end, where Maxie dropped the bombshell that she and Matt were married and that she wouldn't have to testify against him after all, and I kind of LOVED that a whole lot (although if Jason Cook is leaving, I am sure my love will be brief and then quickly replaced with the all-encompassing grossness of a Maxie/Spinelli reunion). But other than that? NOTHING. Anna and McBain talked a lot, and so did Elizabeth and Jason and all I could hear was my own voice saying, irked and irritated, "That stumpy little son of a bitch".

Kristina: Which is where I would have stayed, Molly, if he hadn't done something about it. God knows how many legs you had to break or how many people you had to threaten with car bombs --
Sonny: Enough! Now! You want to talk about the current situation, we'll talk about that. But don't bring up something in the past that hurt me.

Remember that time that Kristina could have been killed by a car bomb? And everyone was suspicious of Sonny for obvious reasons, such as his innate horribleness, and he became progressively angrier whenever anyone voiced their concerns and was so upset by the cruelty of those accusations that he swore on his own son's life that he didn't set the car bomb? Well, it HURT HIM to make those vigorous, lie-filled denials. He is SO SAD that he got caught doing something terrible out of spite and jealousy, and how dare Kristina be so insensitive as to bring that up? There is a statute of limitations on (most) past hurts, Krissy (please note that blaming misfortunes on Deke is timeless).

The Hypocrisy Is Suffocating

I just want to make sure that I'm understanding this correctly--it's entirely possible that I'm not and that I am, in fact, missing every single point, not because General Hospital is a deep and layered television program (I scoff a loud "HA!" at the very thought), but more because I often end an episode temporarily debilitated because of banging my head against a wall.

Sonny is angry that Starr threatened to kill him and responds by...threatening to kill Todd in between raging some more about Starr?

Sonny: You have a death wish, running that stupid little mouth of yours, challenging me in ways nobody would ever dare to...giving me options. Well, I've settled on an option, Manning. I'm going to kill you right now...[...]Michael and I are going to send your daughter to prison for attempted murder.

I mean...we're supposed to come away from this with a renewed sense of Sonny hatred, right? Because that is just the worst of ALL possible things and the only thing keeping me from turning this from a mini-screed to a maxi-screed is Todd's completely unimpressed and also, hilarious responses to this prolonged tantrum.

Like, "Yeah, yeah, okay, you're sticking my body in a trunk--what did you mean when you said I have a stupid little mouth?"

 

Bill, My Favorite Person!

Look at Bill, sitting there basically twirling his mustache (I love getting to use that on a character who actual has a mustache for real for once!), listening in on a young girl's private therapy session and planning to exploit her most personal weaknesses so that he can further play puppet master in his douchenozzle son's life.

I love him!

Okay, not seriously. He's a total ass, and his mockery of women who actually have imperfections and problems is hilariously ironic considering the dude is one giant walking mommy issue. (Again, so dying for Katie to have a girl!)

But I can't help it. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy toward him at the moment. And all because of this:

Deacon!! Bill's going to bring Deacon back! ALL IS FORGIVEN.

Okay, I know I know, rumor has it his return has turned into just a visit, and it'll only play into the triangle I'm always complaining about. But for now? I get Sean Kanan back on my screen and I will never complain about that. Also, more grownups!

It's A Mixed Bag (of Nuts and Berries)

I'll take an up-and-down episode over one that's all down any day of the week. Today was a bit of a back-and-forth roller coaster, so it's time for a Serial Drama list....

NUTS: Sonny gets to be right about Johnny. And he gets to learn that after "giving him some credit" today and revising his opinion. Damn.

BERRIES: Tracy is actually in a real storyline, not just a stupid comic subplot.

NUTS: They still haven't pointed out how easy it should be to convince a court that killing Lisa was completely justified. Sure, Felicia pointed out that Matt's attorney could argue extenuating circumstances, but that this is the first time it's been mentioned just illustrates the insanity of this storyline from its first moment.

BERRIES: They're not letting people just forget about Robin's "death" just because we've moved on to new storylines. Anna sobbing over shampoo that smells like Robin was a lovely realistic touch.

I might've sniffled a bit myself. Might've.

NUTS: Oh crap. Daytime's 3,984th "we keep the actor on to be a kooky and wacky ghost" story!

Can't freaking wait.

I'm Sorry--WHAT?!

These are things I learned about Johnny Zacchara today (in order to save my fingers from the carpal tunnel that would surely arise after typing the following ad nauseum after every point on this list, please imagine that each item ends with the words "--what. What? WHAT?! And this happened because--because why? Why?! HORRIBLE. HORRORSHOW. HORRORSHOWIBLE"):

Johnny shot out Anthony's tires and is responsible for Hope and Cole's deaths, which is basically terrible because it means that Sonny was right to jump to the most anti-Zacchara conclusion in a matter of second and anytime Sonny is proven right about something, a small piece of my soul withers away. Also, it's terrible because, you know, a young father and a toddler are dead.

Johnny tells stories to dying people in the most dramatic fashion possible, complete with flashbacks and a gravelly voice and extremely dramatic segues.

Johnny: There she was in my face, as always. Connie. Just like she's always been.

Johnny: The idea came to me right away. The best one I ever had.

Johnny: You know at first, Connie wasn't really on board with the plan. It took a little convincing.

Because, you know, that's how I tell stories. I use a husky voice and strange introductory statements and then I raise my eyebrow as a signal to the person I am conversing with, letting them know that if there were flashbacks in real life, this is where I'd be inserting one.

The Fine & the Surprising

Thankfully, yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful alleviated a few concerns about the new storyline regarding Karen and Danielle: turns out they were not in the closet when they lived in New York City (at least since the death of Karen's father), and that the only concern in L.A. is Bill, who Karen is (understandably) concerned will be as judgmental about it as their father was. That said, my question is this: so? It still seems odd to me. The explanation suggested that Karen's father made her stay closeted by basically blackmailing her regarding her career and her ownership shares in Spencer, but that's all done now so I'm not sure exactly what Bill could do to her.

Anyway, obviously this is much more about Caroline and how she's dealing with it than it is about Karen and Dani since Karen and Dani are totally grown women and this is B&B so, you know, eww. So Caroline and Thomas had their little chat about it and were so utterly enamored of each other's open-mindedness and compassion that they had a little heat-free kissy-face, after which Thomas immediately left. (I'm assuming to go ring-shopping.)

Well, Thomas, you should know better than to be a gentleman! Don't you know that you're on B&B and there's always someone waiting in the wings to get into an insta-serious relationship with whomever you're interested in?

Sure enough, Rick stopped by to explain to Caroline that he's not actually a cross-dresser. I'm plain delighted that I get to type that sentence about something that's happening on a real show. Delighted.

They chatted about how they don't like secrets, and Rick asked if it would be a secret if he told her he wanted to kiss her. Without waiting for an answer to such an illogical question (smart move), he went in for it...

The best part was that during this kiss, they were playing this really bizarre creepy "Danger!" music to underscore it. I interpreted that scary music as, "Look out! We're going to throw another boring love triangle at you, full of at least two people who are way too young to be so obsessed with getting uber-serious so quickly! And the characters will be super-bland! DANGER!"

Also, I need them to give this character a sense of humor.

The real meat of the episode, though, was Katie and Bill "discussing" her pregnancy. This was a fun surprise after Friday's episode ending with Bill ordering Katie to get an immediate abortion. I wasn't sure quite how they were going to spin that come Monday, but to their credit, they spun it well! Turns out Bill basically thinks pregnancy would be a death sentence for Katie because of her heart condition, and he cannot bear the idea of losing her.

Lamest Murder Ever

It's not that I won't forgive holes in soap stories; I will. I do routinely, in fact. Not being able to forgive holes in stories and demanding real-world logic of soaps at all times would make for a very frustrated (and undoubtedly brief) viewer indeed. But gaping holes are excusable if they exist to serve a great story. And in the case of the Murder of Lisa Niles? Oh, we have a big problem because this story is so far from great that not even the great Jason Morgan and John McBain's omnipotent spidey senses combined would be able to find their way without a detailed map.

Just to scratch the surface of the many issues I'm finding insurmountable:

• Let's start with a small one. According to Spinelli's insistence that Maxie is a peace-loving, do-no-harm type of gal, she won't even use makeup tested on animals? That must be difficult in her industry! Especially interesting since she wears animals routinely and apparently, according to her comment to Matt in yesterday's episode, eats foie gras. You know, like all animal rights activists do. I hear it's the nightly dish at the PETA convention buffets.

• Spinelli has now filled the court in on the fact that Matt killed Lisa and Maxie witnessed it, and the judge is utterly unconcerned that, if this is true, it means that Maxie provided a false confession and lied under oath and offered up falsified evidence.

• Somehow Maxie is now a martyr and did "all of this" to protect Matt, which is hilarious considering the EFFING CASE WAS MOTHEREFFING CLOSED. If Matt goes to prison for this, it's actually Maxie's fault. Maxie is a crap-ass martyr, to say the very least. And by the way, we all saw Matt and Maxie's relationship before and after Lisa's death. We were not born yesterday, and that was not a loving girlfriend trying to save her loving boyfriend's life.

The Okay & the Different

Y'all. Yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful wasn't about Steffy and Liam and Hope! I mean okay, Hope was on the episode, but not talking about Liam or Steffy and therefore far less irritating! It was incredibly exciting.

That said, the titular "Okay" is in reference to what we got in the Neverending Triangle's place being... okay. I mean if this is the next couple we're getting?

Okay. They're not awful, they're not great. In fact, they're incredibly bland. It speaks volumes about how sick I am of the usual storyline that I found the featuring of such a milquetoast pair to be a huge relief. Thomas can go listing all the wonderful things about Caroline he wants to, but it doesn't make them true. According to him, she is allegedly "smart, beautiful, funny, and sophisticated yet down to earth." Okay, Thomas. To me so far she's pretty (albeit way too skinny, and can she please get out of that awful yellow dress with the weird blue skeleton-enhancing waistband and matching wristband?) and stands up straight and speaks English. I look forward to this "funny," I do!

One thing we have learned about Caroline is that she's into terrible vampire movies. So I take that back, she is kind of funny. We learned this tidbit from her mother Karen:

And I'm excited to see Karen because admittedly I am looking forward to her upcoming storyline and to Crystal Chappell's arrival. Let's hope (a) Joanna Johnson's appearance as Karen yesterday means this is happening soon and (b) it doesn't just end up a story all about Caroline's issues. More grownups, please! (Yeah, I know. Wishful thinking.)

Psst. Starr. SHHH.

Starr, come here. No, closer. A little closer. I have something important to tell you. No, just a little bit --

 

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. SHHHHHHHH. Be quiet.

My lord this girl. I get that she's dealing with unspeakable tragedy and all that, but give us a break, please! People know that death means you'll never see someone again, Starr! Oh and also, Starr, you are not the first person you know to experience something incredibly tragic! In fact, most people you know have experienced something incredibly tragic! Recently, even! It's May now. If memory serves, the accident was in February. Can we ease up on the grief rage? I'm not saying it's unrealistic, I'm just saying it's tedious as hell to watch and try as I might, I've been having a tough time sympathizing with her. And that she's mad at her family now (all except the one family member who encourages her to hold on to her rage and get revenge) because they're trying to get her to continue living and trying to provide comfort to her is... it's not helping. Nothing's helping right now. Silence would help. You know how Patrick's grieving by hotly self-destructing quietly in his home? Try it!

But speaking of the one family member who is encouraging Starr to hold onto her anger and hatred and to go off half-cocked on revenge plans willy-nilly (that's right, I said WILLY NILLY, it's important to be a bad-ass when one is overreacting to a soap opera!), her father was a delight yesterday.

Carly: If you believe the whole split personality, D.I.D. thing --

Todd: Yeah, I do. I know a lot about D.I.D. It runs in my family. [An unfortunate non-hereditary ailment his niece inherited from his sister!  --Ed.] 

Carly: Really.

Todd: Really.

The Dreary & the Annoying

Be careful what you wish for.

There cannot be a single viewer of The Bold & the Beautiful who hasn't wished super-hard for a storyline other than this program-devouring Hope/Liam/Steffy horror show. There really cannot. Tastes vary, so I'm sure someone out there likes the storyline, but those viewers can't possibly think a one-plot daily soap opera is the strongest choice.

However, a subplot in which Caroline is totally freaked out beyond all reason that Rick wears dresses and makeup (which he doesn't, but Amber's set it up to look that way -- marking possibly the first time ever that Amber's instincts about how someone would react to something were bizarrely dead on) is not my idea of the proper fix.

And sure, sure, now they're trying to backtrack a little and say that Caroline isn't so shocked and startled that he likes to dress like a lady (Caroline, a young woman who supposedly grew up in New York freakin' City and has claimed to have literally never seen a man in heels) (as a New York City resident, allow me to assure the writers [some of whom have probably lived here] that, sorry Caroline, it's rare not to see men in heels daily here), but it's more that he kept it from her. But come on. And I'm not suggesting that she should shrug it off and be all, "Marry me tonight, man-in-dress!" (though this is B&B and it's totally within its paradigm for someone super-young to be super-eager to get married as soon as humanly possible for no discernible reason). I'm just suggesting that a man with a little makeup on should really not cause an adult professional woman to be so thrown off that she actually shakes and cries a little and drops an armful of stuff. 

Fortunately, we look to be getting a little movement in this story in that Hope has finally found out what Caroline is so freaked out by, and Rick is hooking up with Amber anyway.

The men on this show are ridiculously easy to seduce.

Mother Knows Best. Or Worst. Or Something.

One of the many things I love about soap operas is the comically low standards the characters and writers have for good parenting. Sonny Corinthos, for example, occasionally says positive things about his children and has only shot one of them, so he's constantly lauded as the greatest parent in all of Port Charles; his ex-wife is probably the runner up, referred to constantly as a great mother because...she seems to like Joss? Which, you know, who wouldn't?! The late and spectacularly unlamented Babe Carey and her equally repellent mother Krystal stole and SOLD children on All My Children and all people could talk about was how these two were the pinnacle of motherhood (the months since AMC's cancellation has not at all lessened my hatred for these two fictional creatures).

But there ARE some good mothers out in soapdom, and in honor of Mother's Day, I'd love to know: who is your FAVORITE soap mom? Biological mothers, adoptive mothers, mother figures, mothers who live entirely offscreen, mothers who are actually terrible but get treated like icons. Let's list away!

The Same and the Samer

Well, I hate to go with just a snarky straight recap again, but until this show moves out of this one never-ending storyline, there's really not much else to say or do. So here we go!

Casa Bridge. Hope wants Steffy to explain why she's awfully smug about Liam. Steffy flashes back to the not-at-all-overdramatic tearing up of the annulment papers. 

Bill is still trying to convince Liam to break up with Hope. Caroline and Katie come in and immediately take off, knowing the menfolk need to have an important discussion. This is no place for ladies!

Credits.

Katie is listening in as Bill continues to pressure Liam to break off the engagement. Bill thinks that Liam kissing Steffy means he doesn't really want Hope. (But does Liam kissing Hope means he doesn't really want Steffy? No, because this is Bill we're talking about.)

Brooke and Ridge wonder what Hope and Steffy are discussing, and Brooke picks on him for being unwilling to design Hope's wedding dress. Brooke doesn't seem to understand why Ridge would be reluctant to do this, despite his daughter being in love with the groom.

Steffy tells Hope that Liam did something in Aspen that made her sure he still loves her (Steffy, that is. I know. It's confusing.).

Commercials. I am endlessly baffled at ad demographics. Why do we get so many ads in New York City for yard items, car-related products, outdoor barbecue fixings and the like? I guess for all the rich New Yorkers with country homes?

Back at Liam's house, Bill is still laying it on thick and Liam (as per usual) does nothing to shut him up. I am reminded of the time Bill was being obnoxious about something and Liam said, "See? This is why I never tell you anything!" and I wondered what planet he was living because on Planet Earth, you see, what Liam does would be considered telling Bill absolutely everything, all the time, always. 

Katie comes out to announce that dinner is ready. I am so ashamed at my lack of appropriately fitting into proper gender roles when I think about how, at my house, this would all be reversed. The ladies would be chatting while the dudes were cooking and then I'd happily take care of dishes and trash afterwards. (Kick me out of the gender, I dare you!)

All these dinners and wine make me hungry. And thirsty.

Hilariously, Caroline and Katie have whipped up this tremendous feast based on what was in Liam's cupboards, which he claimed were virtually empty. So empty that there was fresh French bread, and plenty of fresh veggies for a huge salad. 

Katie toasts to getting to know Caroline and to the upcoming wedding.

A Happy Return and a Good Laugh

I admit I have extremely mixed feelings about Todd Manning on General Hospital. Sure, part of it is that it's bittersweet to see any Llanview residents in Port Charles because it serves as a reminder that One Life to Live is no more. And in many ways it would be easier on my heart just to imagine the characters living on happily with their families. And while I really love Todd Manning as a character (I phrase it that way to emphasize that I find him compelling, not that I think he's a super-swell guy who I'd really root for in real life), my very favorite thing about Todd Manning just happens to be Blair. So it's hard to see him without her -- even broken up they're better in each other's orbits than outside of them. Not to mention one of the coolest things about how they've developed his character over the years is that they resisted the urge to turn a gray-hat former gang rapist into some heartthrob who went from hot relationship to hot relationship. We've only ever seen him with Blair and with Téa (and in both cases, these were not typical romances by any means), and sexual intimacy has always been a careful issue for him. And that is so important to me. If you're going to pull that standard soap trick of turning a rapist into a viable leading man, it's the only way I can stomach it. I absolutely in no way, shape, or form, ever ever want to see Todd bounced from leading lady to leading lady and put through the usual battalion of chem-tests. I will lose my lunch. 

And, since I've launched into this dissertation, another thing that worried me was that we already have Sonny, a bad boy who gets away with tons of stuff but who genuinely loves his family and sometimes his woman and always has a gaggle of people making excuses for him, and do we really need another? And yes, I find Todd a million times more compelling because of his self-loathing and his constant battles with himself, but still. Might it be too much? 

So I was nervous. Very nervous. And today I was reminded why there's so much more that differentiates him from Sonny and the number one characteristic? Humor. Sonny is rarely written to have much of a sense of humor and, in fact, is quite frequently such a depressing wet blanket. The trademark Todd Manning humor was a breath of fresh air for me today.

So for now, I am cautiously optimistic and very glad to see him. For now. And he apparently is free of all charges due to PTSD which, ha, but it would be a pretty easy case to argue considering what he'd been put through for eight years (although I loved that his original version was that they acquitted him because his mother didn't love him!).

Also, I love how people (especially Sonny) on this show routinely point guns at people and threaten to kill them and then either change their minds or are somehow thwarted and it's either witnessed by or admitted to the police and nobody ever gets arrested for attempted murder, ever. Because attempted murder is not really a crime in Port Charles. And now Starr's locked up for it. I can't say I hate Michael for it, though, because it stops the cycle. I know he did it for childish reasons, but honestly if he'd ever been held accountable for flirting with crime early on, he might not have gone in the direction he did. (Of course here I am applying psychological growth principles to GH, when we know full well Starr won't "learn" from this because... well, soaps!)

The Heart of The Matter

Even though I like to consider myself an understanding person, which is a self-assessment that just caused everyone who knows even the slightest bit about me to burst into peals of scornful laughter, I see where Sonny is coming from here. I know, I can't believe that I typed that either, but really: if my significant other did something outrageously hurtful (like cheat on me) or unspeakably offensive (like occasionally adopting a Rosie Perez accent and spackling cosmetics on by the truckload) and then explained it away as being the actions of a split personality, I wouldn't know what to make of it. I like to think that unwavering support would be one of my reactions somewhere along the line, but it would probably follow reactions like Shouting "What does this look like, a freaking soap opera?!" and staring, wordlessly, in confusion and texting my friends "Can you believe this lame-ass excuse?!"

So I'm not quibbling with Sonny's reluctance to believe that there is a Connie, or even some of his anger.

What I am quibbling with is what a freaking child he is, always and forever.

Sonny: You went and banged my enemy! On my birthday, no less.

He doesn't have many linguistic skills, but his knack for filling a single sentence with that much self-absorption and grossness is pretty impressive.

Let's Join Our Hands and Say "This AGAIN?!" In Unison

I don't even want to think about how many minutes--nay, hours I've spent trying to put a fresh new spin on the same sentences. Writing something clever about Kelly Monaco spending the end of, literally, every General Hospital storyline ever tied up and looking miserable was easy back in 2006, when it only had a slight "Been there, done that" vibe and Sonny being held at gunpoint got stale a good few years before that. So when this week's run ended with both of those situations happening AGAIN, I rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and started writing down nonsense sentences like "repeated repeatedly, in a repetitious manner" and planned a few references to Groundhog Day because, yeah: Sam was tied up. And Sonny was held at gunpoint.

BUT! To be fair to the writers, while there is a minor sense of deja vu happening here, these stories aren't total retreads. I mean, yes, Sonny being on the wrong end of a gun is a total rerun of years past, but when you consider that he's so firmly entrenched in a life of crime and is a horrible human being to boot, his being held at gunpoint doesn't happen nearly as often as it could (I would actually be down for a Very Special Episode in which all sorts of Port Charles randoms hold a gun on him and rail at him for being horrible. "All I wanted was a coffee before I went to work and I get stuck behind you for two hours while you try to order a latte. You made me late, you bastard!"). And the circumstances leading to Sam's capture were...well, familiar, sure. A law enforcement agent in this town does something terrible? Imagine that, says nobody, because we don't need to imagine that; we've seen it happen, always. So while the reveal that Ronnie is violent and cah-razy (I say that if he makes it out of this story alive--I know, I know, as if--his attorney could try a defense tactic in which the chemicals in his hair dye are blamed for his descent into mental anguish) was expected, look at the other newfangled things that happened!

The Old and the Dutiful

Well, Steffy has finally signed the annulment papers. Hallelujah, this storyline is finally over! 

Just kidding. We should be so lucky. 

Considering this...

...was Liam's response to the news, I imagine this is far from over. Years from over, as if we've all committed some terrible, terrible crime against humanity and this is our punishment.

I'm going to have quite the headache if Liam fights Steffy on this. He's constantly impressed by her big turned-into-a-magnanimous-low-maintenance-saint-overnight turnaround lately, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he just loves having both of these women on the hook. (Not that I don't welcome this change in Steffy. While I don't think Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is exactly the next Meryl Streep by any means, she's got presence and charisma and is a hell of a sport with some of the embarrassing material they give her ["Cha cha cha!"], so seeing Steffy evolve into a spitfire with ethics who doesn't get all scheme-y and pathetic over a loser like Liam would be a welcome change. I am not, however, holding my breath.)

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?

I'm practicing my "doctor breaking the news" speech because there's a new opening at General Hospital in Port Charles, New York. I hear it's a tough town and tends to be overrun by the mob, but I actually hear the particular mob that's generally winning the various mob wars is made up of saintly hitmen and mob bosses who really, really love their children. So it can't be all bad, right? 

Wrong.

So let's start with the bad news, shall we?

• Starr is back. She is looking for Sonny, the man who killed her family, "unless he dint." As she put it. Is that mean? I'm feeling mean. Anyway, she took Johnny's gun, so is of course off to do something really smart and fun.

• Jason is still an ass. Getting excellent advice from both Elizabeth and Sonny to actually try to be patient and listen to Sam and show her some compassion in the wake of her trauma, well... it didn't stick. He walked into his house and started yelling at his wife within seconds. And it's still about her talking to John McBain, just after he has reported Sam's personal business to two other people. After telling Sam that talking won't help anything. When she pointed out this double standard to him (after learning that he told Liz everything), he was unmoved. And then when she broke my heart, telling him it seems as though he can't even look at her...

"It's like I'm tainted!"

Hint to Jason: when your recently-raped wife tells you that you can't look at her and it makes her feel tainted, look at her. Immediately. (Spoiler: Jason did not take the hint.) Anyway, she's going to move out to give him some time to decide whether he's going to leave his wife over this. I hope he chokes on that time. She says she's trying to do what's best for her child and, hint to Sam: not raising your child with a hitman is a good start.

• In general, the usual dull things are happening, like cops trying to bust Sonny (Gasp! Will John McBain imprison Sonny for real? It's so hard to tell!) and Starr's after Sonny for revenge (Gasp! Will Starr kill Sonny? It's so hard to tell!). I have this little fantasy: since we know Sonny won't get killed or imprisoned, can someone opposing Sonny come up with a different plan? I'd love to see someone work to take away his power -- not a stronger mobster, but somebody smarter and with a moral or two. That way there could be some curiosity about the outcome. A powerless and penniless Sonny could actually be an interesting story. But this stuff? Old hat, we don't need it. But we're sure getting it.

The good news?

• We got a flashback to Sonny's shiny suit.

I'm already sick to death of the constant flashbacks to things that just happened (a Valentini/Carlivati habit I never did appreciate), but when they are to super-awesome things like destroyed cakes or funny shiny suits on angry men, I can live with it.

Since When Is This Show Un-Fast-Forwardable?!

That's not to say that the show is without its flaws (see below for a list, and by no means an exhaustive one, of flaws with this episode, an episode I happened to enjoy quite a lot. I...am a mean-spirited complainer of a person, I realize), but I do have to take a second to marvel at how easy it is to sit through an episode of General Hospital in which Sonny and Jason don't make appearances. Right? Normally by the time the credits roll, I've already began to wish away the next 58 minutes of my life, but on days like this, the only time I fast-forward is to get through the commercials and back to the show as quickly as possible. It's a world gone mad!

Well...not totally mad. It's a world gone very slightly crooked. Because as much as I liked today's show (the things I type that I never imagined typing!), I still have quibbles.

Just Joy.

That's all.

That's how to end a Friday.

The X and the Y

I gave GH the regular recap-as-it-goes treatment yesterday, so I felt it was only fair to subject treat B&B to the same delight.

Standard opening shots of the city. Steffy is packing stuff and her hair is still too light. Brooke walks into Steffy's office and glares at her. This doesn't faze Steffy and, although I loathe Steffy's embarrassing preoccupation with Liam, she's pretty hilarious responding to Brooke with such amusement.

Hope and Liam are making out on the private jet and the male-model/pilot --

-- says they'll be ready to take off as soon as Steffy, their other passenger, arrives. Hope seems trashed, though she's not.

The team in Aspen is setting up for Aspen Fashion Week (is that a real thing ever?). None of these people are played by actual actors (I have to assume) so it's pretty torturous to watch. AspenOliver gets a call from Bill about "getting the job done." 

Credits. Short version.

So apparently Bill's genius plan is to have the press attack Hope like never before. Bill complains to Justin, smugly (as if he could do it any other way).

Hope and Liam get all saccharine with each other some more on the jet. Hope is sure that it's going to be a great trip, and Liam promises that Steffy won't be a problem for them. (Note to Liam: don't actually kiss her if you don't want her to be a problem.)

Discomfort, Squared

Well y'all, I've made it up to the opening credits of today's General Hospital and it's clear to me that the only way to keep my sanity and sort through my feelings on it is going to be to just recap it as we go. To catch us up: Ewen's trying to figure out why Kate didn't show up to commit herself, Sonny's barging in on Johnny and Konnie in bed together (after a hilarious moan from Konnie that Sonny heard from downstairs, a moan so silly that I'm continuing to cross my fingers that this whole thing was staged and Johnny is not really that gross now -- I mean I know he's a mobster, but does he have to be a super-gross mobster in such an appealing package?), Michael is referring to Franco's rape of Sam as "all that craziness with Franco" because that is a respectful way to speak to a rape victim about what happened to her, Alexis is trying to chat with Jason (good luck), and Liz is lurking.

Credits. Commercials.

So... where was I? I kind of got distracted by "Johnny" and "appealing package" in the same sentence. 

Oh, Konnie looks kind of freaked out while Johnny smugs it up to Sonny who is... kind of under-reacting?

Michael and Carly cute it up at each other or something, and then Carly goes over to smite Sam for having kept the Robin secret from Jason for like a day and a half. Sam gets hilarious.

Sam: Okay, fine, I lied to Jason, you told him the truth, you're the best friend ever.

Ha! Love it. Carly feigns indignation that she was just making conversation and doesn't understand why she got so defensive.

Alexis and Jason talk about Sam having chatted with John McBain. SCANDAL!

John McBain is smirking it up with Max over at Casa Sonny, and Michael speaks for all of us when he finds the awesomely destroyed birthday cake. "Holy crap."