Serial Drama

In The Worst Way

It's frustrating that I'm too insanely busy to pay attention to soaps much these days because, really, OLTL is on freakin' fire. In all honesty, it's the only show I've gotten a chance to watch in weeks. As upset as I was about the reduction to two episodes per week instead of four? Now I'm super-relieved. Because I get to watch all of it. And it's all adorable.

Unfortunately I wish I had more time to just screencap the whole darn thing and find new ways to describe my general happiness with the show, but I don't. So let's just check in real quick.

My favorite non-romantic-but-I-bet-there's-totally-fanfiction pairing hung out today and got all worried about each other. 

Blea, working together to save each other and their families! Looking super-hot while doing it!

Have we discussed how much I want them to be crime-fighting sidekicks like they were in Roxy's Fraternity Row dream? Because I do.

A Cacophony of Awful

Well.

I can honestly say that today's episode of General Hospital didn't bore me. Wait, no I can't--I had forgotten, probably from boredom, about the ongoing Molly/Rafe/TJ/Taylor quadrangle, which is completely uninteresting. I don't mind a teen story in theory, but Molly and Rafe's instant connection has always driven me mildly nutty, or at least as nutty as something this dull can drive a person which isn't very and is more along the lines of "I can see how that would bother somebody who cares more than I do", and now Taylor is all of a sudden all about TJ after a whopping two seconds? If something doesn't work the first time, I guess we can keep doing it repeatedly with no tweaks.

But aside from THAT, I wasn't bored. Mostly because when my mind did wander, it wandered to thinking of how I could best and most hilariously describe the utter badness that was abounding. When Sonny was reaming Carly out for having terrible plans that ruin peoples lives because he is suffering from amnesia and thinks it's 1997 again and that this layer of Carly's character was new and shocking ("You made a bad situation worse!" he shouted like it was a scathing indictment and not a testimonial on her business card) and Maurice Benard looked like he was pretty blatantly reading off of cue cards, I started brainstorming. "Is it too much alliteration to have Sonny and shout and scream and spittle in the same sentence? Probably".

Really, though, that confrontation was just...not very good.

Carly: What are you doing here?
Sonny: Like I told you, Olivia dies, you die.
Carly, like she was asking if she shrunk someone's sweater: Did Olivia die?
Sonny: (Raises his gun)
Carly: My god, Sonny, Olivia can't be dead. I'm so sorry.
Sonny, turning the volume up to eleven: SAVE IT! SHE'S NOT DEAD! She isn't doing any better! hat r u doing here
Carly: What are you doing?
Sonny: I just wanted you to know how serious I was and what's going to happen to you if she dies.

For some reason, he punctuated about every other word by dramatically poking his chest for emphasis. I don't know if he was trying to remind her of who he meant when he said "I" or what, but the guy was probably bruised when he left the set that day.

Carly: Okay, you're serious. Now get out.
Sonny: DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS! I give the orders! Me! You have any idea how much pain you've caused? How much trouble and chaos?
Carly: I know, I know. Olivia's fighting for her life. I know.
Sonny: Not just Olivia! Her son! What about my son? Dante's in the hospital praying to god right now that his mother doesn't die!

"How can I bring this back to me and my victimization? Oh, right, the kid!" Shut it, Sonny--I also loved when he told Dante that Olivia's always been his "lifeline", because everything is about Sonny. I bet he's one of those people who attaches himself to national tragedies. "Oh, man, something bad happened in Alaska? I LOVE Alaska! This is really getting to me!"

Sonny: You went behind my [He actually said "mah", but I think he meant my] back and look what happened, Olivia's fighting for her life. [Overcome by rage and absolutely hoarse by the time he finishes the sentence which, to be fair, took about six full minutes]FRANCO IS STILL ALIVE! HE KNOWS THE HIT WAS MEANT FOR HIM AND WE PLANNED IT!

Sonny, getting louder with every syllable: How long before that son of a bitch Franco [long, uncomfortable silence] talks? He's just waiting to use it against us, Carly [at this point, breaking the sound barrier]!

The 2013 Daytime Emmy Awards Live Blogging Extravaganza

It's "everybody's" "favorite" night: the night that the "world" "honors" the "best" in daytime televion while a "massive" audience watches at home. Yes, it's time once again for the Daytime Emmy Awards, which almost always turns into two hours of us making cartoonishly over-the-top confused faces at our televisions while former popstars and sitcom child actors perform in skits and thinly disguised commercials for tourist destinations. Also, the best actors and actresses on soaps sometimes walk away with awards and when they don't, we say angry things and swear a lot. Aren't you excited to spend the evening with us?

Not For The Faint of Heart. Or The Sighted.

I'm sorry, you guys. I have so much that I want to say--I am almost completely consumed by irritation when I watch General Hospital these days, which I'd like to write off as complete hyperbole but it's actually just a sad yet true statement about my tendency to become overly invested in ridiculous things like this incarnation of Franco and Silas's seemingly limitless supply of utter doucheitude (on the plus side, it seems like I now have a new recipient for the Ryan Lavery insults I've been stockpiling over the years!)--but I'm not going to be able to say it or anything else because this conversation happened between Patrick, who I'm assuming is suffering from some sort of undiagnosed brain injury, and the world's most childlike 27 year old (the very explicit mention of her age the other day didn't make me think "Oh, they're closer in age than I thought. So not ew!" as much as it made me think of a ridiculous and embarrassing playground game my friends and I used to play where we envisioned glamorous and successful adult futures--when we pretended to be as old as, like, fifteen. Holy maturity, right?! It's like Sabrina was playing MASH and thought "It's just a dream, but it could totally happen if I was 27!")

Patrick: Never, never, never imagined?
Sabrina: No! Well, I mean, imagined -- yeah. Maybe once or twice. But it was fleeting.
Patrick: Once or twice?
Sabrina: Yeah. It seemed presumptuous, not to mention far-fetched.
Patrick: So, does the, uh... reality live up to the fantasy?
Sabrina: Oh, well, um... I don't know. You never really know what it's gonna be like to be close to someone. I mean, at least not in my limited experience.
Patrick: You're wonderful. Yes.
Sabrina: Really?
Patrick: Caring and generous, open, and so very sexy.
Sabrina: My god, I'm blushing.
Patrick: I just want to make sure you're enjoying yourself.

I wish I could be more eloquent than this, but: ick and ew and stuff.

Red Letter Day, In Brief

A couple of very, very important things happened today.

First of all, Cutter loves him some Natalie. For real! He doesn't just want a piece of her anymore, he got all manner of concerned and jealous about her today! I dig it, y'all. I really do. Just a couple little glances told us everything we needed to know:

He's got a real crush on her! A real one!

Oh yeah, and she also finally found out that John thinks she took out a restraining order against him and won't allow him to see Liam, so she's a couple steps closer to finding out about Clint's machinations. This bums me out, naturally, because I love Clint and Natalie's relationship -- they seem to understand one another more than anyone else in their family does. That said, soaps are about the journey and I'm sure after things blow up they'll find a way of putting themselves back together! What is this, optimism? What's happening to me?

And then you knew I just could resist screencapping the crap out of Todd leaping to cover Blair after a gunman took a shot at her.

 

There's A "Family" and "Blood (Is Thicker Than Water)" Quip Here Somewhere

I have a serious question--actually, I have MANY serious questions about the ending of today's General Hospital. Like, "Is Shawn the worst hitman ever?" (yes, he is. Or he is at the very least in the top five--bottom five? I don't know, but this is giving me shades of Dr. Ian Devlin, who I had COMPLETELY forgotten about until just now on account of being pretty skilled at repressing terrible Port Charles memories. Terrible. Shawn, I can't even say I thought you were better than this, because I've actually never thought about you at all,but still: awful). And "Has Carly EVER had a pan that didn't begin and end disastrously?" (Nope!) And "Has anybody else seen Olivia's dress at Ann Taylor and lusted after it?" (because it's super cute, isn't it? It would look absolutely horrendous with my coloring, but still, I can admire from afar).

But the biggest question--and one I'm almost entirely positive I know the answer to*--is that if it turns out that Olivia gets shot instead of Franco and Sonny (as ever, so close yet so far away), will this serve as a wakeup call to, oh, anyone?

How much more Falconeri blood needs to be shed before they realize that Port Charles is a den of sin and that also SOMEONE NEAR SONNY ALWAYS GETS FREAKING SHOT? I'm sorry, if I'm Olivia, I'm saying to myself "This entire family has been shot or shot at repeatedly and it's not like I've ever even had a story to justify my continuing presence in this godforsaken town. FALCONERI, OUT!"

*The answer is that all of them need to get shot at least two more times each and then also die before they start to think that maybe something is off about Port Charles. But the last words on their respective deathbeds will, of course, include a monologue about how sorry they are that Sonny needs to go through this.

Let the Conspiracy Theories Begin!

And no, not about the latest offscreen drama. I'm just trying to train myself to remember that they're in uncharted waters here and there are going to be plenty of speed bumps before things get smooth and going by rote. Plenty.

So Todd got this note today:

Okay, first of all: FUN. It's clearly a list to threaten all of his loved ones!

Second of all: as much as I love her (and especially the esteem with which she's treated in OLTL2), I did get a bit of a chuckle that Natalie was on the list. Sure, she's his niece, but does the threatener know about the time Todd cared about her so much that he kidnapped her and dyed her hair blonde to sub her in so Mitch could murder her instead of Blair and Jessica (the niece he does love) (oh wait, he loves his niece Sarah, too, dammit!)?

Third of all: theories? What are everyone's thoughts on what's going on? (NO SPOILERS. If you have heard spoilers and rumors, shhhhh!!!!)

Betty Friedan Would Be So Proud

Oh, Steffy. Steffy, Steffy, Steffy.

My favorite days are the ones where a B&B episode sets the feminist movement back about six decades.

This could be a heartbreaking story, Steffy's miscarriage. Instead, it's already about Hope moving in on Liam and Steffy becoming fixated on becoming pregnant again AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Ostensibly to make sure Liam doesn't jump ship.

And this could be a moving and powerful story, Steffy's newly-diagnosed near-inability to conceive. Because that is a real thing that happens to real women every day, and it's not generally something that leads them directly to getting hung up on holding onto their men. Because it's so much bigger than that.

And it could be one of those great soapy "unlikely friendships form" type of storylines, the way they've positioned Katie as Steffy's first ally upon getting the news.

Could be!

Oh but....

Steffy: No no no. I promised my husband a child and I'm going to give him a child. And you're telling me that I can't? I am not hearing that!

God forbid she think about her own needs. God forbid any freaking thing on this show not be immediately about Liam Effing "Douchenozzle" Spencer.

Physician, Heal Thyself

I can't be the only one who laughed out loud, for a long time, and started to laugh again at the very memory of it, when Dr. Silas Clay peered over the rims of his glasses and told Sam to:

Silas: Unclench, lady.

This was and continues to be hilarious for a number of reasons. Like--and I know this is just Michael Easton's voice, which continues to be one of my favorite things--everything the man says is gravely serious and any lighthearted cuteness is delivered in the form of stern admonition.  So him telling anybody to be less tightly wound is amusing.

And also, Sam's "clenching" came about because he decided to just up and give her child and impromptu medical examination in the rudest way possible.

Silas: I'm examining your son.
Sam: Excuse me?
Silas: There's something wrong with him.

"Bitch, I just diagnosed your kid with an illness through osmosis and you're STILL copping an attitude?!"

And also also, the ponytail. Hee.

Oh, the diagnosis, by the way? CANCER. He made a shocking diagnosis at the end of the episode after spending approximately 74 seconds with this (just beyond adorable) baby and then--literally. Seriously, this happened--turned around and left the room.

Sam: You're going to be just fine.
Silas, with a pretty extreme combination of condescension and irritation, which is to say that he was totally unclenched: I hope you didn't mean that. Lying to yourself is one thing, but don't tell that little boy he's okay, because he's not.
Sam: Are you stalking me?
Silas: No, relax. I just want to make sure you got Danny checked out.
Sam: For your information, I did. I got bloodwork done and the results will be in tomorrow.
Silas: These people didn't tell you what he's got?
Sam: No, they said it could be a few different things.
Silas: No, Sam. It's not "a few different things". It's just one thing.
Sam: Really? What's that.
Silas: It's cancer.
Sam: [Stares, shocked and horrified]
Silas: [Thinks "Well, I've put in a pretty long day here, so..." and leaves. LEAVES. Just turns and shrugs and exits after giving someone life-altering information with absolutely no proof or medical evidence. No comforting words or even a half-hearted "There, there" from across the room. Nothing]
Sam: [Thinks "My life is the fucking worst" because REALLY, her life is awful]

It's some pretty impressive bedside manner, is all I'm saying.

(Also, is it safe to say that this is the start of an unbearably sad medical storyline in which, after numerous close calls and many tears shed on my end, Franco winds up having the exact blood type or other genetic material to save Danny's life and everybody starts to wonder "Hey, I wonder if I didn't misjudge this guy. What's a few murders and sexual assaults? We've all made mistakes. But he clearly likes babies and that makes me like him!"? Eff.)

Phat Tuesday

I mean in the nicest way, but does anyone else find it a little odd that the youth scene in Llanview is just gushing over the presence of Snoop Lion? Are college students really his demographic? 

Don't get me wrong, I love that he's a fan of the show and that they wrote in this history between him and Bo, and his visits always give me one heck of a chuckle. And I certainly do not have my finger on the pulse of today's youth culture but it just strikes me as hilariously... discordant?

How awesome was the little father-daughter manicure outing today?

It should be an annual pastime! I was a little disappointed Dani didn't succeed in getting Todd to get that neon green color on his nails.

Presented Without Comment

Okay, maybe two comments.

First: Alley Mills is a national treasure.

I mean, right?

Also...

Girlfriend is hot!

But What Will His Canvas Be Now (Besides Terrible)?!

If you've been fortunate enough to have missed any of General Hospital this week and have no idea what's going on, your luck's about to run out because I'm going to quickly recap (because if I have to suffer, we all should!): rather than bring Roger Howarth back as literally any other character in General Hospital history or in the imaginations of the writing staff (LITERALLY any other character. ANY ONE. Steven Webber. Tom Hardy, the fictional doctor. Tom Hardy, a fictionalized version of the British actor. Casey the Alien. Casey The Alien's cousin Pacey. Serena Baldwin. ANY ONE!), the decision was made to bring him back as Franco, daytime's most popular genius artist/serial murderer whose stint on this show amounted to a bulleted list of completely criminal and unforgivable misdeeds mixed with embarrassing performance art and a vibe of deeply uncomfortable weirdness.

I know what you're thinking: "Mallory, are you having a fever dream. Because every word you just typed is pretty ludicrous". I totally agree with you.

And I know what you're thinking now, too (I'm slightly psychic): "But...he was so terrible and there's absolutely no way to redeem him, so bringing him back and trying to make him a viable character is--" Is kind of impossible? Is that how you were going to end that sentence? I know, it seems like it's kind of impossible. I was worried about that, too; how on earth do you expect a character to stick around town when he's drugged people arranged rapes and faked rapes and kidnapped babies and basically sexually harassed Jason whenever he got the chance and also MURDERED A LOT OF PEOPLE? 

Well, the writers have thought of that: a lot of it never happened. Franco just made people think that it happened and he totally has proof, you guys! He has DVD evidence! Let's all watch the DVDs, which all include a musical break in which Franco performs Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" and okay, that didn't actually happen (but you know James Franco's Franco TOTALLY would have taken it there in spoken word form). Yeah, that song popped in my head when Franco popped open his first DVD and now it is stuck in there on an endless loop. I hope you're happy, Ron Carlivati. You have me singing Shaggy.

Franco: I don't mean to hurt you. Just trying to hurt Jason because he rejected me. You're safe, you know. Not gonna touch you. But Jason will always wonder if I have. I'm so sorry. I didn't rape you. But I am so sorry that I let you think that I had.

Bygones!

Carter: Okay, I got it.
Franco: No, you don't got it. You don't got it, Carter. You don't got it.
Carter: You just told me to do a number on this kid.
Franco: That was solely for my brother's benefit. I'm making this so that I can torture Jason. The goal is to hurt Jason. Never Michael. NEVER Michael. Do you understand? Say that you understand.
Carter: I understand.
Franco: You don't touch Michael. Just the opposite. You do everything you can to protect Michael.

Bygones to infinity! Not only is he NOT a rape procurer, he is a kind-hearted person who doesn't want to see anything bad happen to Michael! All misdeeds forgiven! Even the murders, because you know there are probably DVDs of him clearly trying to prevent all of the murders he committed but he keeps getting hampered by some guy in a mask, like a villain on Scooby do. Let's decide who we'd like to see him couple up with, amirite?

I Could Run Through A Glass To Be With You

Yeah, I finally found out what that one line in the theme song is. What does that even mean? Like a tumbler? A wine glass? 

I guess everyone is supposed to be writing about General Hospital today because of how utterly head-scratching (and rape-themed, so fun, whee!) it has been for the past two days and, honestly, I could write a whole rant about how they appear to be re-inventing Franco (Franco! The worst idea ever the first time!) as Todd Manning 2: The Darkening so that they can keep Roger Howarth snarking and smirking and menacing instead of letting him stretch as a brand new, unrecognizable character (as I've only ever seen him on OLTL and in a few plays, I had really been looking forward to it.... oops) that doesn't play father to a character portrayed by Kristen Alderson (and you know it's a red letter day when I'm finding her role to be the most compelling of the three thus far). But as you can see from my inability to even complete a clause without throwing in a parenthical (and such random ones at that), my brain is currently imploding over all that madness and I am still in shock (except: yay Dante!) so I'm going to take a brief moment to bask in my very favorite few minutes of today's One Life to Live.

If you've read many of my OLTL posts, you already knew what it's going to be so I won't play coy about it.

As an umpteen-years-unapologetic lover of Todd and Blair, I feel it only fair to point out that I am in no way looking for those two to reunite right now. The crap he pulled toward the end of ABCOLTL and then what he did to their daughter over on GH means that I could not possibly buy a reunion between them. She should not take him back right now. Plus, we also know Howarth's not around full-time and permanently, so there's no point being naive about it. So all I ask is that the depths of what they had (and have) being acknowledged and addressed. Someday, somehow, they'll find their way back. Even though it's not now. And if we get that, I'm golden. And we're getting that.

I should also put it out there that I don't generally love it when Kassie DePaiva (or anyone in soaps, for that matter) (except maybe Jack Wagner) (oh and Rick Springfield, duh) sings on the show, but it's just something I usually shrug off. It's generally some sort of adult contemporary something-or-other (or easy-listening?) (I CAN'T STOP THE PARENTHETICALS, HELP ME) and that genre kind of creeps me out, but look. If DePaiva is a shrewd enough businesswoman to make sure she gets to sing on the show to promote her part-time pursuits, more power to her. I know a thing or two about part-time pursuits. 

But damn. Today? It was just all there. The longing, the realization that maybe it's lost for good this time, the vulnerability, all that history of love and hatred and fear. 

First of all, he introduced her as Blair Manning and she didn't fight him on it!

The Curious Case of The Guy With The Name That We All Hate

So yesterday was a pretty uneventful episode of General Hospital, right? No big revelations, no appalling history rewrites, no atmosphere of seediness and grossness, and certainly no horrified viewer revulsion at home.

Ha, just kidding. Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts.

While I try to re-teach myself the English language, the memory of which fled my mind in panic after Wednesday's show ("OHMYGOD SHE'S GOING TO MAKE ME WRITE ABOUT THAT ICK. CAN'T DO IT, WON'T DO IT. LANGUAGE SKILLS, OUT!"), let's try to decide once and for all which bit of ridiculousness is the most ridiculous: is it the now-iconic "James Craig is Jerry Jacks! And now he's dead! Just kidding, he's not! But he is! And now he's not again! Plastic surgery and immortality, you are just too much!" ridiculousness or the "Franco is ALIVE! And still WEIRD. And now played by the guy who just played Todd except we're not even allowed to say the name Todd for legal reason. Is his canvas still murder? STAY TUNED!" ridiculousness? Or is all of the above completely meaningless to you because you've managed to deliberately repress every one of those sixty gross and terrible and Franco-filled minutes?

Clarity!

No, I'm kidding, I have none of that to offer.

So sorry for my pathetic silence, especially in light of such fun stuff on OLTL last week. I have been working too hard playing too hard and sleeping not at all and I'm just running on fumes here. So let's just dive in with some totally random non-sequiturs about today's episode of One Life to Live.

First of all, Tea thinks Jack was always the more grounded one of Todd's kids? Did someone give her forget-me-now pills about basically every interaction she's ever had with him?

Second of all, Bo not understanding that Snoop Dogg is now Snoop Lion was the cutest ever. 

Nora: It's Snoop Lion, honey.

Bo: Snoop don't lie, honey!

As awkward as Snoop's visits always are, they'll never fail for me just because of the whole incongruity in his alleged friendship with Bo and Nora. Sure, we had sit through his movie plug, but we also got that hilarious explanation of his name change, complete with Bo getting all starry-eyed and nostalgic about all that meaningful time he spent in Jamaica. OF COURSE HE DID!

Viki and Natalie finally got some mother/daughter time! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like we've only seen them on phone calls with each other but not actually sharing a scene. I love their relationship. 

I can't lie, though. I'm a bit disappointed that Natalie's storyline is picking up steam and it seems to be about John. Despite having been won over at the end, I hadn't ever been a fan of that couple (I much preferred her with Jared and Cristian, both men who liked her bad-girl streak and loved her like crazy). I know they were beloved but for me personally he took away a lot of her fire.

Crossing All Of My Fingers For Shenanigans

I think it's fair to say that I'm not exactly super fond of Sabrina, to the point where I had a shrill moment of internal panic today when someone called me "Sabrina" (I've grown sadly accustomed to answering to other names--maybe I don't enunciate clearly enough, but more often than not, people assume that my name is Valerie, or Molly, and sometimes it's easier just to go with that, especially if the odds of my ever seeing the person again are slim, but that was just weird. "Am I annoying? Do I look all giggly and swoony and ridiculous? I mean, I WAS just reading an article about Star Trek that had a big picture of Chris PIne in it. And I WAS writing with a pink pen. Maybe I AM Sabrina-ish!") but if General Hospital plays its cards right (I know, cart, horse, etc.), she could be a part of what could go down as 2013's most hilarious story: THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL. There's some Must-Watch potential here if the writing goes the way I hope it does, and that is the hijinks-filled and wacky way.

Patrick: There's been a change of plans. You're not going to come home with me anymore.
Britt: Excuse me?
Sabrina: You'll be coming home with me instead.

Yes, Patrick FINALLY verbalized what we've all been shrieking for quit some time: that he's a dumbass and should have never offered to let Britt live with him and his traumatized daughter. He even compared her to Fantine, and that made me laugh. Sabrina decided that the best (and by "best" I mean "most hilarious for the viewers at home") course of action would be to strongarm Britt into living with her.

Sabrina: Britt, we're all thinking of your comfort. Trust me, when you get used to it, you'll be happy to be my roommate.

"This is the smug face of a woman who just won. Check and mate!"

"Bitch, I will urinate on all of your belongings."

Think of the hilarity that could come from this! I am imagining a montage of Britt doing horrible roommate things--wearing Sabrina's clothes, stealing Sabrina's money, creepily staring at Sabrina while she sleeps and I am loving every second of it. If the show broadcasts even ten seconds of the GH that plays in my head, the world will be a better place.

The Curious Case Of...The Guy With No Name

I tried (a little).

I was patient (in a way).

But the mystery of...Mystery Guy played by Roger Howarth has become officially bothersome.

Is it just me? Or is everything about this story, from Howarth's creepy stares to the soundtrack of ultra dramatic music that comes on whenever he appears on screen or the writing that is just TRYING SO FREAKING HARD that I am suffering from profound secondhand embarrassment at the very sight of it, so incredibly lame that you can literally--literally!--feel the last of your nerves fraying from irritation?

Man on Plane: Oh! Unh! I was sure that was it. I mean, your face is just --just so positive. I mean, at least I have a positive association to it. It's like a spotlight that's shining on it. It's -- it's just positive. Are you famous?
Mystery Guy: Well, that depends on what you mean by "famous."

Heather: I had no idea you were back in town.
Mystery Guy: Surprise.
Heather: Something about you looks different.
Mystery Guy: You think?
Heather: Not sure what it is. But it suits you.

Lulu: I'm sorry. Are we close?
Mystery Guy: No. Not at all.
Lulu: Well, don't be offended if I don't remember your name. Mine's Lulu, but you know that. What's yours?
Mystery Guy: [Dramatic soapy stare]
Show: HAHAHA, CUT TO COMMERCIAL, HOW DRAMATIC IS THAT? SUPER DRAMATIC. DRAMATIC TIMES TEN!

The longer we go without a big reveal, the more enraged I am going to get by cutesy near-miss exchanges like the one above. Let's just get it over with, show! Announce that Mystery Guy is actually FRANCO* and my head will explode from anger and disgust and that is one less angry blogger you'll have to listen to!

*I mean, right? I actually had a long list of clues that back up my suspicions, but the more I think about them, the less water they hold. I mean "Knows and has probably schemed with Heather" is about as non-specific as one can get, considering that one needs to merely walk by Heather in order to get roped into a scheme of hers. And "Treated Sam horribly" applies to almost everyone who has ever set foot in Port Charles--the woman has been brutalized during every sweeps period since she came to Port Charles. So I have no actual clues, just a very anxious gut feeling. But maybe he's someone else! Like the lead singer in a Flock of Seagulls cover band.

All Hail The Queen

Well, I started to take notes on today's General Hospital to find things to make light of in an effort to get my mind off of what's been happening in Oklahoma (I hope all of you in the area are okay) and, you know, there were definitely a few things I was gearing up to get all snarky about but then someone yanked the rug right out from under me and I found myself engaged in earnest and weeping. Not for fun-soapy-weepy reasons, but for being legitimately moved and heartbroken by some terribly painful and authentic scenes courtesy of the phenomenal Jane Elliott.

It really felt like a sucker punch. But in a good way! I expected more relish chat (and dreaded it, to be honest) and then they just turned right on around and hit me straight in the gut. Seriously, if you're in "watching only sporadically" mode right now, do not miss today's second half.

After Luke heinously kissed Tracy and tried to convince her to just sit and wait around for him while he goes off gallavanting, she stood up for herself in a way that garnered a standing ovation. (And lest we forget that had she not been given good material we would not have gotten this goodie, for today's episode I give mad respect and appreciation to Kate Hall, Jean Passanante, and Ron Carlivati.) 

Luke: Why isn't it to our mutual benefit to keep going the way we're going, and in the end have each other?

Tracy: Because I don't want to keep going the way we're going! I see how it all works out for you. You get to make Scott Baldwin wrong, yippee! You get to travel the world and nobody ever says you're alone or you're doddering because you've got me waiting for you. And what do I get. 

Luke: Me?

Tracy: When? When? In a decade? I want more than that! I want a soulmate!

Luke: Since when?

Tracy: Since always. What you and Laura had -- god knows how -- I ain't never had that!

Luke: And that's what you want?

Tracy: Clearly you find that surprising by my demeanor. But yes. I want -- I dream -- what every single woman dreams of. True love. 

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well, actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht, making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales. She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

Such A Waste of a Pretty Dress

Starting with honesty: I have not missed a minute of GH in years (seriously, not one minute). That is, up until the last couple of weeks. This isn't because of some big statement or that I'm giving it up or angry at the show or any of the above, it's just that since OLTL came back I've been too busy to maintain three soaps fully, and so for whatever reason GH is the one that fell into "occasional viewing with fast-fowarding" temporarily. (Y'all know I caught the Anna/Duke stuff from last week after being told about it, of course!) I think maybe with the intensity of the big 50-hour marathon and then all the anniversary coverage I just got a bit burnt out for a little while.

Anyway, I'm trying to pick it back up again with some flying through and some reading of recaps. And as you can imagine, watching entire episodes laden with The Chew business was not really the best way to dive back in. Especially with this new version of Morgan that rubs me every possible wrong way and then the trio of former OLTL actors returning in their weird new roles. 

I'll say this: I much prefer Kristen Alderson as a brunette.

And that is all I will say.

But let's talk about Liz. Poor Liz has seriously spent most of the last eight years or so dressed in scrubs and sneakers and being pregnant. In just the last month alone she's been in more adorable little outfits than she has been in the last five years combined, I'd say.

Here's where I have a problem. Full disclosure: I do not like the character of Nikolas Cassadine. I know, I'm a horrible person. I understand his legacy and his significance on canvas and how much lovely drama he brought to the show in his early years (and oh my, was Tyler Christopher an impossibly handsome young man). But it's been many, many, many years since I've found him to be an even remotely engaging character. I could spend all day analyzing this, but nobody has time for that and I'm too exhausted to open up Pandora's Box of debate here. Point is, it's worth being honest going into this that I'm predisposed to feel like Nik removes any potential energy from any potential pairing he's in, no matter with whom. 

So as you can imagine, it's killing me that so many of these pretty outfits on Liz are being wasted on scenes with Nikolas!

Look at that cute little spaghetti strap dress and her perfect hair and excellent alabaster skin!

Oh, and then look at draining "Prince" Nik talking down to her and making sure he understands how much he always nobly knows what's best for her. I mean he's going to be a gentleman enough to PERMIT her to make her own decisions even though he thinks she's just a stupid girl who doesn't know anything, or at least nothing near those wise morsels of knowledge he's got. The face of chivalry, ladies and gentlemen!

The Pairing I Have Been Waiting For Is Finally Here!

Okay, I'm probably overstating the case considerably. But I have been waiting years for Blair and Natalie to hang out.

The fun trouble they could cause! But they really barely ever interacted on OLTLABC, I guess because they made Nat spend so many years pretending to be squeaky clean so she could meet John McBain's boring standards or... something. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea if this will lead to anything, but it was a start and I was nonetheless gleeful! 

Plus, once again we see that Natalie looks better than ever and someone on that show realizes they should feature that (finally).

I wasn't crazy about the fabric of her dress, but at least it was damn flattering and the appropriate parties noticed!

And Natalie is definitely noticing Cutter, too:

"What is it about bad boys?"

(To be fair, Rama's response was even better: "I don't know, I just work here.")

Speaking of people looking good in their outfits, Téa slid weeping down the last wall against which she got nailed by Victor, but she was wearing such a cute dress while doing it!

Those types of dresses have always been my favorite on her.

Of course then she got a terrible shock when she stumbled upon the HORRIBLY MANGLED STUFFED GIRAFFE!

Oh, Victor. What ARE you up to? (Strangling Todd in another scene, if anyone's actually asking.)

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Because of my fondness for routine and a quite consistent temperament that usually hovers somewhere around "irritated", I'm an incredibly predictable person. This has its benefits (ordering the same thing at Starbucks every morning means that the barista gets started on my latte as soon as I walk in the door, which makes my trips efficient--and expensive, and sad when they misspell my name in a variety of humiliating ways, but that is a rant for a wordy opening paragraph in the future) and its downsides (I often worry, usually after watching a Lifetime movie or a particularly disturbing Law & Order, that my routine makes me an easy target for unsavory creepers. They'll always know where to find me!), but for the most part, it is what it is.

So I'm sure we ALL know, unequivocally, what moment on today's General Hospital made me clap my hands with glee and delight--and no, it wasn't the return of Michael Easton and his classy little ponytail; that made me laugh uproariously and say "Oh, John McBain, you are just too cute" because him playing another character is going to take a lot of getting used to because see above re: routine. No, it was Emma, paraphrasing one of my favorite soap child "quotes" of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Patrick: Britta is going to have the baby. Which means you are going to have a little brother or little sister. Isn't that great?
Emma: Witch, please.  

I screamed.

The sass was welcome (as was Patrick being hotly bothered by his daughter's attitude, because that was all sorts of realistic. And realism is an ever dwindling commodity lately!) and is also cutting commentary on almost everything else that happened in the next sixty minutes.

The Chew crew trying (SO hard. If they hadn't exerted any effort in attempting to act, the end result wouldn't have been half as embarrassing. For me. And even THAT wasn't as embarrassing as the synchronized group vomit at the end, which is a real thing that actually happened and I sort of find amusing but also bizarre and uncomfortable) to act?

Emma says "Witch, please".

The random goon also trying SO hard to act (seriously, is there anything sadder than someone with a natural monotone really attempting to be emotional and failing? I guess group vomiting would probably count as sadder than that, but it's still pretty sad, is what I'm saying)?

Emma says "Witch, please". 

Carly declaring her son to be "Michael Corinthos Jr. the 3rd"? Emma says "Witch, please".

Britt moving in with Patrick? Emma says "Witch, please" and then starts weeping.

Roger Howarth making his triumphant return to General Hospital as part of the relish saga, appearing all creepy-like in a way that fills me with dread and horror because what if he is FRANCO and I have no reason to believe that he is except that WHAT IF I'M PSYCHIC AND THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS?

Emma says, "Please for the love of Jason Morgan and all that is holy, please let that not happen and let my television spontaneously combust if it does".

 

There Is No Spatula Large Enough To Lay It On This Thick

Anywhere in the world. There couldn't be! 

(Okay, maybe one.)

I realize I can barely come up with anything else to say about B&B lately, but I seriously cannot get enough of hearing all these completely deluded borderline-psychotics come up with ways to defend the indefensible.

Today, we had Brooke (who is just completely insane now) revisit the gem of, "But Katie told me she wanted me to sleep with her husband! You could totally tell by the way she angrily screamed it while crying and throwing her wedding ring!"

That one's sort of her standby, but today they really had me choking on my vegetarian chili.

Brooke (to Bill, the man who basically tried to ruin Brooke's daughter's life in order to control his son's in a completely creepy manner): You're a good father.

Bill: I try.

Donna (to Bill, the man she just learned cheated on his wife, her sister, with her other sister): And a good husband.

Bill: I try there, too.

Brooke (who is standing there all weepy because she is miraculously pregnant by Bill, her sister's husband, to Bill): You are.

WHO THE FREAK ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING? They are hilarious! And seriously, they weren't even playing this as if, "I'm just trying to convince myself of it." All of these lines were said entirely sincerely, as if Bill is a great and wonderful man -- so wonderful that they are brought to tears by said wonder.

And then we got the best bit of all.

Bill: A lot of that has to do with Will. He's taught me how to be a better man. 'Cause a man, a real man is there for his child. My father wasn't there for me, and I wasn't there for Liam, and even though that was no fault of my own, I'm not gonna let the same thing happen with Will. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Big bad Bill talking about his progeny. But I mean it. If you bring a child into this world, well, you better be there for him...or her, as the case may be. 

The Day That Got Way Better

Today started rough, y'all. As I'm sure many of you experienced, for some technical reason Hulu had not posted today's new One Life to Live by morning -- and it's become my getting-dressed routine! Add to that the fact that my television's HDMI ports have been on the fritz so I couldn't put anything on the TV and just had to get ready in silence like some CAVEPERSON! And then we won't even get into what happened at work today, but it might have had something to do with a pair of pants I had SPLITTING when I bent over to file something and might have resulted in my having to fashion a pashmina into some sort of skirt-esque thing for the subway ride home. It might have! BUT I'M NOT SAYING.

But I came home and I got industrious and I signed up for my free trial at Hulu Plus and I did some HDMI trouble-shooting and I hooked up my brand new darling Roku and I got to watch a new OLTL on actual television for the first time since January of 2012! So that calls for just a straight recap, doesn't it?

Here we go!

Poor Vimal. He's sad that Rama is going to work, where he's sure men constantly undress her with their eyes. Or not with their eyes.

And he can hardly blame them!

She reminds him what an open marriage is, which he doesn't much care to think about since he's clearly only doing this because he's a sad little fellow who will do anything instead of lose her.

And now we're at the Peach Pit After Dark. (Or "Shelter," or whatever.) There's a guest DJ and it's... Nervo? Something? I don't know. The more of these kinds of guests they have, the more confused I'm going to be, let's face it. There's some other guest star playing some sort of a drug dealer named Jamie (I understand there's a whole story behind this guy and James Franco and some movie and I can't really pretend any of it interests me). The point is that he needs his "moneys."

Cutter looks displeased with this whole thing. (Riff Raff, is that his name? Lord I feel a million years old right now.)

Bo and Nora are kickin' back with some red wine and it makes me want some. It makes them want each other.

Todd has a bit of the iced tea (I mean bourbon?) that Victor spiked with what I think was arsenic.

Credits!

Jack's shirt is never going to be okay, but Viki is just so lovely at the end each time. 

I am super-dumb. I thought Hulu Plus didn't have commercials. It does. Just not as many, I guess?

Some sort of drug pusher is trying to get Dani to take... ecstasy? Is that it? She's trying to resist but is clearly tempted.

Nora is telling Bo about her days as a college radio DJ.

Back at the Peach Pit After Dark, Jamie has some of his hangers-on make out with each other a little. Both his facial hair and his head hair are frightening me, and I mostly can't understand what he's saying. He wildly resembles Gary Oldman's character from True Romance.

Does Hulu have closed-captioning?

Oh My God, He's The One Who Needs Brain Surgery

The Unbearable Dumbness of Patrick has been driving me to distraction. DISTRACTION! To be brief--and I'm only being brief because I am very much the opposite of brief on this subject in my upcoming Soap Opera Digest column--there is no earthly reason for Patrick to not be suspicious of absolutely every single thing Britt does, considering the fact that he lived out this ENTIRE story already with Lisa Niles. Every time the woman BLINKS, he should be raising an eyebrow and saying "What was that blink?! Was it code to one of your evil accomplices?! You sneezed REALLY MANIPULATIVELY just now!!"

But he's NOT and that's worrisome.

Sabrina: Felix and I both think that Britt told you she was gonna terminate the pregnancy in order to manipulate you into stopping her.
Britt: That is reprehensible.
Sabrina: Oh, my point exactly. Reprehensible is Dr. Westbourne's M.O.
Patrick: Sabrina, please...
Sabrina: Patrick, she was manipulating you, okay? And it worked. And now you've promised to take care of britt and the baby, but you know what? That's not enough for her. So she's gonna fake this morning sickness in order to reel you in even more and... that's working, too.
Patrick: I would say that's pretty elaborate.
Britt:

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be!"

(Also, the way that she moaned and wailed loudly and ridiculously through the above conversation and the emotionless "Oh my God" she mustered when Patrick gave her her "diagnosis" of hyperemesis gravidarum were just so on point. Major kudos to Kelly Thiebaud because those were just killer moments amidst the dumbness)

Sure, he later admitted that there was a possibility that she was lying about all of this, but...

Patrick: But, frankly, I... I can't jump to the same conclusions that everyone else is jumping to.

No, you can't jump to the same conclusions as everyone else. You should have already jumped to them DAYS AGO, regardless of the fact that this could be your child (it's not) or that you're bound by the Hippocratic Oath! At the very least, you should have seriously questioned the shifty lab tech who brought you Britt's test results because he was twitching and so overly rehearsed that he might as well have handed you the results saying, "I'm pretty clearly embroiled in some bribery related shenanigans, so please just take Britt's obviously falsified test results and don't make small talk with me because I'll spill my secrets pretty quickly". HAVE YOU LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOUR PAST MISTAKES?!