Serial Drama

All Hail The Queen

Well, I started to take notes on today's General Hospital to find things to make light of in an effort to get my mind off of what's been happening in Oklahoma (I hope all of you in the area are okay) and, you know, there were definitely a few things I was gearing up to get all snarky about but then someone yanked the rug right out from under me and I found myself engaged in earnest and weeping. Not for fun-soapy-weepy reasons, but for being legitimately moved and heartbroken by some terribly painful and authentic scenes courtesy of the phenomenal Jane Elliott.

It really felt like a sucker punch. But in a good way! I expected more relish chat (and dreaded it, to be honest) and then they just turned right on around and hit me straight in the gut. Seriously, if you're in "watching only sporadically" mode right now, do not miss today's second half.

After Luke heinously kissed Tracy and tried to convince her to just sit and wait around for him while he goes off gallavanting, she stood up for herself in a way that garnered a standing ovation. (And lest we forget that had she not been given good material we would not have gotten this goodie, for today's episode I give mad respect and appreciation to Kate Hall, Jean Passanante, and Ron Carlivati.) 

Luke: Why isn't it to our mutual benefit to keep going the way we're going, and in the end have each other?

Tracy: Because I don't want to keep going the way we're going! I see how it all works out for you. You get to make Scott Baldwin wrong, yippee! You get to travel the world and nobody ever says you're alone or you're doddering because you've got me waiting for you. And what do I get. 

Luke: Me?

Tracy: When? When? In a decade? I want more than that! I want a soulmate!

Luke: Since when?

Tracy: Since always. What you and Laura had -- god knows how -- I ain't never had that!

Luke: And that's what you want?

Tracy: Clearly you find that surprising by my demeanor. But yes. I want -- I dream -- what every single woman dreams of. True love. 

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well, actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht, making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales. She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

Such A Waste of a Pretty Dress

Starting with honesty: I have not missed a minute of GH in years (seriously, not one minute). That is, up until the last couple of weeks. This isn't because of some big statement or that I'm giving it up or angry at the show or any of the above, it's just that since OLTL came back I've been too busy to maintain three soaps fully, and so for whatever reason GH is the one that fell into "occasional viewing with fast-fowarding" temporarily. (Y'all know I caught the Anna/Duke stuff from last week after being told about it, of course!) I think maybe with the intensity of the big 50-hour marathon and then all the anniversary coverage I just got a bit burnt out for a little while.

Anyway, I'm trying to pick it back up again with some flying through and some reading of recaps. And as you can imagine, watching entire episodes laden with The Chew business was not really the best way to dive back in. Especially with this new version of Morgan that rubs me every possible wrong way and then the trio of former OLTL actors returning in their weird new roles. 

I'll say this: I much prefer Kristen Alderson as a brunette.

And that is all I will say.

But let's talk about Liz. Poor Liz has seriously spent most of the last eight years or so dressed in scrubs and sneakers and being pregnant. In just the last month alone she's been in more adorable little outfits than she has been in the last five years combined, I'd say.

Here's where I have a problem. Full disclosure: I do not like the character of Nikolas Cassadine. I know, I'm a horrible person. I understand his legacy and his significance on canvas and how much lovely drama he brought to the show in his early years (and oh my, was Tyler Christopher an impossibly handsome young man). But it's been many, many, many years since I've found him to be an even remotely engaging character. I could spend all day analyzing this, but nobody has time for that and I'm too exhausted to open up Pandora's Box of debate here. Point is, it's worth being honest going into this that I'm predisposed to feel like Nik removes any potential energy from any potential pairing he's in, no matter with whom. 

So as you can imagine, it's killing me that so many of these pretty outfits on Liz are being wasted on scenes with Nikolas!

Look at that cute little spaghetti strap dress and her perfect hair and excellent alabaster skin!

Oh, and then look at draining "Prince" Nik talking down to her and making sure he understands how much he always nobly knows what's best for her. I mean he's going to be a gentleman enough to PERMIT her to make her own decisions even though he thinks she's just a stupid girl who doesn't know anything, or at least nothing near those wise morsels of knowledge he's got. The face of chivalry, ladies and gentlemen!

The Pairing I Have Been Waiting For Is Finally Here!

Okay, I'm probably overstating the case considerably. But I have been waiting years for Blair and Natalie to hang out.

The fun trouble they could cause! But they really barely ever interacted on OLTLABC, I guess because they made Nat spend so many years pretending to be squeaky clean so she could meet John McBain's boring standards or... something. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea if this will lead to anything, but it was a start and I was nonetheless gleeful! 

Plus, once again we see that Natalie looks better than ever and someone on that show realizes they should feature that (finally).

I wasn't crazy about the fabric of her dress, but at least it was damn flattering and the appropriate parties noticed!

And Natalie is definitely noticing Cutter, too:

"What is it about bad boys?"

(To be fair, Rama's response was even better: "I don't know, I just work here.")

Speaking of people looking good in their outfits, Téa slid weeping down the last wall against which she got nailed by Victor, but she was wearing such a cute dress while doing it!

Those types of dresses have always been my favorite on her.

Of course then she got a terrible shock when she stumbled upon the HORRIBLY MANGLED STUFFED GIRAFFE!

Oh, Victor. What ARE you up to? (Strangling Todd in another scene, if anyone's actually asking.)

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Because of my fondness for routine and a quite consistent temperament that usually hovers somewhere around "irritated", I'm an incredibly predictable person. This has its benefits (ordering the same thing at Starbucks every morning means that the barista gets started on my latte as soon as I walk in the door, which makes my trips efficient--and expensive, and sad when they misspell my name in a variety of humiliating ways, but that is a rant for a wordy opening paragraph in the future) and its downsides (I often worry, usually after watching a Lifetime movie or a particularly disturbing Law & Order, that my routine makes me an easy target for unsavory creepers. They'll always know where to find me!), but for the most part, it is what it is.

So I'm sure we ALL know, unequivocally, what moment on today's General Hospital made me clap my hands with glee and delight--and no, it wasn't the return of Michael Easton and his classy little ponytail; that made me laugh uproariously and say "Oh, John McBain, you are just too cute" because him playing another character is going to take a lot of getting used to because see above re: routine. No, it was Emma, paraphrasing one of my favorite soap child "quotes" of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Patrick: Britta is going to have the baby. Which means you are going to have a little brother or little sister. Isn't that great?
Emma: Witch, please.  

I screamed.

The sass was welcome (as was Patrick being hotly bothered by his daughter's attitude, because that was all sorts of realistic. And realism is an ever dwindling commodity lately!) and is also cutting commentary on almost everything else that happened in the next sixty minutes.

The Chew crew trying (SO hard. If they hadn't exerted any effort in attempting to act, the end result wouldn't have been half as embarrassing. For me. And even THAT wasn't as embarrassing as the synchronized group vomit at the end, which is a real thing that actually happened and I sort of find amusing but also bizarre and uncomfortable) to act?

Emma says "Witch, please".

The random goon also trying SO hard to act (seriously, is there anything sadder than someone with a natural monotone really attempting to be emotional and failing? I guess group vomiting would probably count as sadder than that, but it's still pretty sad, is what I'm saying)?

Emma says "Witch, please". 

Carly declaring her son to be "Michael Corinthos Jr. the 3rd"? Emma says "Witch, please".

Britt moving in with Patrick? Emma says "Witch, please" and then starts weeping.

Roger Howarth making his triumphant return to General Hospital as part of the relish saga, appearing all creepy-like in a way that fills me with dread and horror because what if he is FRANCO and I have no reason to believe that he is except that WHAT IF I'M PSYCHIC AND THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS?

Emma says, "Please for the love of Jason Morgan and all that is holy, please let that not happen and let my television spontaneously combust if it does".

 

There Is No Spatula Large Enough To Lay It On This Thick

Anywhere in the world. There couldn't be! 

(Okay, maybe one.)

I realize I can barely come up with anything else to say about B&B lately, but I seriously cannot get enough of hearing all these completely deluded borderline-psychotics come up with ways to defend the indefensible.

Today, we had Brooke (who is just completely insane now) revisit the gem of, "But Katie told me she wanted me to sleep with her husband! You could totally tell by the way she angrily screamed it while crying and throwing her wedding ring!"

That one's sort of her standby, but today they really had me choking on my vegetarian chili.

Brooke (to Bill, the man who basically tried to ruin Brooke's daughter's life in order to control his son's in a completely creepy manner): You're a good father.

Bill: I try.

Donna (to Bill, the man she just learned cheated on his wife, her sister, with her other sister): And a good husband.

Bill: I try there, too.

Brooke (who is standing there all weepy because she is miraculously pregnant by Bill, her sister's husband, to Bill): You are.

WHO THE FREAK ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING? They are hilarious! And seriously, they weren't even playing this as if, "I'm just trying to convince myself of it." All of these lines were said entirely sincerely, as if Bill is a great and wonderful man -- so wonderful that they are brought to tears by said wonder.

And then we got the best bit of all.

Bill: A lot of that has to do with Will. He's taught me how to be a better man. 'Cause a man, a real man is there for his child. My father wasn't there for me, and I wasn't there for Liam, and even though that was no fault of my own, I'm not gonna let the same thing happen with Will. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Big bad Bill talking about his progeny. But I mean it. If you bring a child into this world, well, you better be there for him...or her, as the case may be. 

The Day That Got Way Better

Today started rough, y'all. As I'm sure many of you experienced, for some technical reason Hulu had not posted today's new One Life to Live by morning -- and it's become my getting-dressed routine! Add to that the fact that my television's HDMI ports have been on the fritz so I couldn't put anything on the TV and just had to get ready in silence like some CAVEPERSON! And then we won't even get into what happened at work today, but it might have had something to do with a pair of pants I had SPLITTING when I bent over to file something and might have resulted in my having to fashion a pashmina into some sort of skirt-esque thing for the subway ride home. It might have! BUT I'M NOT SAYING.

But I came home and I got industrious and I signed up for my free trial at Hulu Plus and I did some HDMI trouble-shooting and I hooked up my brand new darling Roku and I got to watch a new OLTL on actual television for the first time since January of 2012! So that calls for just a straight recap, doesn't it?

Here we go!

Poor Vimal. He's sad that Rama is going to work, where he's sure men constantly undress her with their eyes. Or not with their eyes.

And he can hardly blame them!

She reminds him what an open marriage is, which he doesn't much care to think about since he's clearly only doing this because he's a sad little fellow who will do anything instead of lose her.

And now we're at the Peach Pit After Dark. (Or "Shelter," or whatever.) There's a guest DJ and it's... Nervo? Something? I don't know. The more of these kinds of guests they have, the more confused I'm going to be, let's face it. There's some other guest star playing some sort of a drug dealer named Jamie (I understand there's a whole story behind this guy and James Franco and some movie and I can't really pretend any of it interests me). The point is that he needs his "moneys."

Cutter looks displeased with this whole thing. (Riff Raff, is that his name? Lord I feel a million years old right now.)

Bo and Nora are kickin' back with some red wine and it makes me want some. It makes them want each other.

Todd has a bit of the iced tea (I mean bourbon?) that Victor spiked with what I think was arsenic.

Credits!

Jack's shirt is never going to be okay, but Viki is just so lovely at the end each time. 

I am super-dumb. I thought Hulu Plus didn't have commercials. It does. Just not as many, I guess?

Some sort of drug pusher is trying to get Dani to take... ecstasy? Is that it? She's trying to resist but is clearly tempted.

Nora is telling Bo about her days as a college radio DJ.

Back at the Peach Pit After Dark, Jamie has some of his hangers-on make out with each other a little. Both his facial hair and his head hair are frightening me, and I mostly can't understand what he's saying. He wildly resembles Gary Oldman's character from True Romance.

Does Hulu have closed-captioning?

Oh My God, He's The One Who Needs Brain Surgery

The Unbearable Dumbness of Patrick has been driving me to distraction. DISTRACTION! To be brief--and I'm only being brief because I am very much the opposite of brief on this subject in my upcoming Soap Opera Digest column--there is no earthly reason for Patrick to not be suspicious of absolutely every single thing Britt does, considering the fact that he lived out this ENTIRE story already with Lisa Niles. Every time the woman BLINKS, he should be raising an eyebrow and saying "What was that blink?! Was it code to one of your evil accomplices?! You sneezed REALLY MANIPULATIVELY just now!!"

But he's NOT and that's worrisome.

Sabrina: Felix and I both think that Britt told you she was gonna terminate the pregnancy in order to manipulate you into stopping her.
Britt: That is reprehensible.
Sabrina: Oh, my point exactly. Reprehensible is Dr. Westbourne's M.O.
Patrick: Sabrina, please...
Sabrina: Patrick, she was manipulating you, okay? And it worked. And now you've promised to take care of britt and the baby, but you know what? That's not enough for her. So she's gonna fake this morning sickness in order to reel you in even more and... that's working, too.
Patrick: I would say that's pretty elaborate.
Britt:

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be!"

(Also, the way that she moaned and wailed loudly and ridiculously through the above conversation and the emotionless "Oh my God" she mustered when Patrick gave her her "diagnosis" of hyperemesis gravidarum were just so on point. Major kudos to Kelly Thiebaud because those were just killer moments amidst the dumbness)

Sure, he later admitted that there was a possibility that she was lying about all of this, but...

Patrick: But, frankly, I... I can't jump to the same conclusions that everyone else is jumping to.

No, you can't jump to the same conclusions as everyone else. You should have already jumped to them DAYS AGO, regardless of the fact that this could be your child (it's not) or that you're bound by the Hippocratic Oath! At the very least, you should have seriously questioned the shifty lab tech who brought you Britt's test results because he was twitching and so overly rehearsed that he might as well have handed you the results saying, "I'm pretty clearly embroiled in some bribery related shenanigans, so please just take Britt's obviously falsified test results and don't make small talk with me because I'll spill my secrets pretty quickly". HAVE YOU LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOUR PAST MISTAKES?!

All My Profound Thanks

I promise* that I will soon stop making "All My..." jokes. It just feels so good to be able to make them again and have them be relevant! And the truth of the matter is that I really do have so many reasons to be thankful for All My Children, like how it's back in my life, for starters, but also for the half hour long running time that means episodes zip by breezily and I don't even have the chance to be bored and for Lindsay Hartley's shiny shiny hair and so on and so forth.

*Lie

So I am grateful for a lot of Pine Valley related things, but today nothing even comes close to my gratefulness for David Hayward just existing and for Vincent Irizarry's classic soap acting. His monologue at a comatose (and also SORASed? I know that the new JR is roughly the same age as Jacob Young, but the latter had such a baby face that it makes the former look like a contemporary of Dixie's, not her son) JR was all sorts of amazing because it contained a lot of emoting and also really stilted explanations of what happened at the Chandler Mansion five years ago/the day of the ABC finale.

David: Hello, JR. It's me, your old friend David.

What Were They SUPPOSED To Believe?!

I mean Brooke really does always know when someone has LEFT HER WITH NO CHOICE. 

Today, she confessed to their mutual sister that she bumped uglies with Katie's husband (oh sorry to be so crass, they would refer to it as "made love" or "what they shared" because what could be more beautiful), and she justified it over and over and over again by explaining that FIVE MINUTES BEFORE, Katie had said the marriage was over and she totally meant it. Donna suspects that Katie was just angry but, no, Brooke knows that Katie meant what she said. It hasn't occurred to her quite yet that EVEN IF SHE'S RIGHT AND KATIE WAS DONE, you actually do not get to fuck your sister's husband five minutes after she announces she wants out. You actually do not. Even if said married sister is super-hard on her husband by being all judgmental and not having energy for sex when she's taking care of a newborn and not wanting her hubby to get wasted and, like, knock nieces off of balconies or whatevs. THERE IS LITERALLY NO CIRCUMSTANCE UNDER WHICH THIS BEHAVIOR IS OKAY. 

But Brooke doesn't get that, because she's "wired" wrong. (Lord do I hate it that Taylor's right!) Brooke is legitimately shocked and baffled that this is blowing up in her face. 

 

(Does anyone else still get distracted after all these years in scenes between Katherine Kelley Lang and Jennifer Gareis by how much they totally really do look related?)

Elsehwere, Bill thinks he's just fantastic by re-committing to Katie despite all of the throwing himself at Brooke and the history of cheating. Oh and right, remember how he hates it when people walk out? Katie keeps walking out! HOW CAN SHE EXPECT HIM NOT TO SCREW HER BIG SISTER?!

And the show is just twisting the knife by having poor Katie constantly apologizing to Bill and Brooke about how horribly unfair she was, when she was completely right all along. 

And That Life Keeps On Livin'

Y'all, I have in no way calmed down or adjusted to this little fantasy world we're now living in where we can wake up to new episodes of One Life to Live every day. 

And it's just getting better, really. The first episode really had to cram everyone in, have an event as a set-piece, and give at least basic teasers for all the major plotlines. Since then, they've settled in a bit and we're delving a little deeper without having to spread everyone too thin. Tuesday's episode had the odd hiccup of Victor's big "back from the dead" return being pretty much the most anticlimactic entrance of a zombie anyone's ever seen -- most people just looked a little surprised or unnerved that he was in town but, you know, not enough to actually ask him why or how. I mean come on! They even ask for I.D. on Amtrak now!

But today, they awesomely finally let someone think it was a big freakin' deal. To be fair, the long-time residents of Llanview probably see about three or four people come back from the dead in a slow year, so it's really more like getting a surprise phone call. Dani, however, has only been in town a few years so it's a little more shocking (though of course the last guy she thought was her dad before she thought Victor was her dad was also presumed dead and then turned up out of nowhere still alive, and then turned up one more time way shorter and promptly got very dead again).

Téa was so excited for Dani to see that Victor's alive that it didn't occur to her to, say, check with a doctor or even just tell her hospitalized, recently-overdosed daughter that she about to get a visit from The Walking Dead, but that's so very Téa of her, isn't it?

Look, sweetie, A GHOST!

Dani's immediate reaction was not calm joy, which must have been confusing to her mother.

But she got over it pretty quickly and accepted his mortality, or immortality as the case may be. No questions asked, naturally!

Speaking of Dani's dads, her third one got the scenes I'd been dying for.

Todd and his big sister, together again! Erika Slezak and Roger Howarth have always just been dynamite in scenes together, and I love how Viki grounds him and tries to keep him in line and he just can't help but soften.

Love it! And they even got into their little newspaper-publishing competitive sibling rivalry. I think my favorite new thing about the reboot so far might be how it's positioned journalism as a central theme, and that had long been missing as a foundation of this show. 

And Todd got to call Viki on her actual "bullshit!" And did I mention that yesterday Blair finally got to just tell it like it is and call Todd an "asshole" instead of the "YOU BASTARD" we've been hearing for decades? JOY. PURE JOY.

Todd filled Viki in on how he had a brief fling with a lady person back in Port Charles and pretended to be glad it's over since she was so high-maintenance (Carly is indeed that, my friend!), at which point Viki hilariously asked if he could say that about any woman after Blair. Yeah, Vikster, it was really Blair that was the high-maintenance one in that relationship! Love it. (Oh man, I'm really going to have to come up with variances on "love it," aren't I? IT'S JUST THAT I LOVE IT SO MUCH.)

'Tis The Season

Big week for soaps! There was that thing that happened on Monday, and today we have the Daytime Emmy nominations announcement.

Shall we take a look?

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

The Bold and the Beautiful                                CBS
Bradley P. Bell, Executive Producer
Rhonda Friedman, Edward J. Scott, Supervising Producers
Ronald W. Weaver, Senior Producer
MarkPinciotti, Coordinating Producer
Cynthia J. Popp, Colleen Bell, Casey Kasprzyk, Producers

Days of Our Lives                                                 NBC
Ken Corday, Executive Producer
Lisa de Cazotte, Greg Meng, Co-Executive Producers
Janet Drucker, Tim Stevens, Coordinating Producers
Albert Alarr, Producer

General Hospital                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Mary-Kelly Weir, Michelle Henry, Mercer Barrows, Producers

One Life To Live                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Suzanne Flynn, Senior Producer
Jackie Van Belle, Coordinating Producer
John Tumino, Leah Weber, Producers

The Young and the Restless                             CBS
Maria Arena Bell, Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producers
Jay Gibson, Consulting Producer
Sally McDonald, John Fisher, Tony Morina, Supervising Producers

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

SUSAN FLANNERY, as Stephanie Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

PEGGY MCCAY, as Caroline Brady
Days of our Lives                                                         NBC

MICHELLE STAFFORD, as Phyllis Summers Newman
The Young and the Restless                                          CBS

HEATHER TOM, as Katie Logan Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

PETER BERGMAN, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

DOUG DAVIDSON, as Paul Williams
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

MICHAEL MUHNEY, as Adam Newman
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

JASON THOMPSON, as Patrick Drake
General Hospital                                                             ABC

The One With All The Awkward Kissing

I'm not psychic--although I DID correctly predict that my allergies today would be so overwhelmingly terrible that I'd be unable to hold my head up by late afternoon, although that's less of a sixth sense than it is a regrettably consistent pattern--but I have a feeling I know exactly what we'll all be doing tomorrow afternoon: watching General Hospital feeling a potent mixture of discomfort, confusion and mild disgust, because the end of today's show was just one long bad touch*.

 "Sure, sure", the writers said. "People say they want steamy romance, but what they really mean by that is dysfunction and randomness and a thick layer of what we in the biz call ick."

I'm incredibly uncomfortable.

*Okay, it was almost entirely a bad touch. It's just that something about AJ and Carly together is disturbingly compelling. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. They are gross and dysfunctional and yet...I think it's that Sean Kanan just has chemistry with everyone and everything he comes into contact with. He was even eyeing up that crystal decanter all flirtatious-like. But the rest of it? BAD TOUCH. New Lulu (NuLu?) and Milo were so random and awkward together that it was like...well, it was like watching someone I don't know kiss a mannequin and that's not a comparison as much as it's a description because really, Drew Cheetwood means well, but come on. And Liz and Nikolas are so ew that I'd have much rather the writers completely pretend like that particular dark period of GH history never happened, much like they'll have to do when Roger Howarth and Co. return after a few weeks away as totally new people. If John McBain never happened, Nik and Liz never happened!

All My (New and Returning and Rapidly Aged) Children

The most ridiculous part of my day was not the sheer and utter GLEE I had at the return of All My Children and the way I actually squealed when the show opened with Brooke and Adam, because none of that is ridiculous at all. It's expected: Chandlers and Hubbards and Cortlandts are back in our lives. The only reaction a person should be having is GLEE.

No, the most ridiculous part of my day was looking at the AMC/OLTL Premiere note I had written in my planner, as if I actually needed a reminder. I have an impeccable memory to start with so I almost definitely wouldn't have forgotten it and also, it's kind of a huge deal that I've been talking about incessantly for weeks to anyone who would listen and by "would" I mean, "was in close quarters in which escape wasn't an option".  So why I felt the need to write myself a note is a little beyond me, unless Early-April Mallory just wanted to leave it there as a treat so that Mid and Late-April Mallory could get all flaily everytime she noticed it.

I'm not even going to pretend like I have the presence of mind to write this in any sort of coherent way--planning and structure is just too hard to do when you're clapping constantly. What you're going to get is a list of thoughts. Many, many thoughts. Probably more thoughts than you thought possible to get out of a 27 minute long show and they may not even make much sense, on account of the aforementioned clapping. How's that for an enticing opening?! I can almost hear you all exiting your browsers.

**Opening with Brooke (still suffering from PTSD symptoms from the event at her engagement party, which is only alluded to, making it very mysterious and intriguing) and Adam (who is just the greatest. He's been absent from our lives for so long and has returned even more charming than he left it!) was just a genius move.

Who better to be the center of this show than Adam and Brooke? Nobody and if you have any suggestions, I don't want to hear them because they are wrong (I kid. Actually, I don't kid, but because fair is fair, I promise to at least listen to your wrong suggestions). They're engaged again! It was delightful.

**Dixie can weep all she wants and Opal can mournfully talk about Tad being "gone", but I refuse to believe that he's dead. Sorry, can't do it, won't do it. The man is in a coma, you guys.

Our Shows Are BACK And Our Excitement Level Is At (At Least) 11

Our afternoons have felt undeniably sadder ever since ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE aired their finales. There are still times that we'll look at the clock during the 1 and 2PM hours and sigh wistfully. "What sort of nefarious plots would David Hayward be hatching right now, with that smug smile of his?" We ask. “In what regal and well-intentioned manner would Dorian Lord screw up the lives of everyone she loves this week and, most importantly, which hat would she be wearing while doing it?” We wonder. Our lives were a little emptier without the Chandlers and the Hubbards and Ryan Lavery (just kidding--we wanted to inject a little levity here before the schmaltz police arrested us.) The days seemed a little longer and lonelier without the Buchanans and the Hubbards and Robert Ford (okay, kidding again on that last one).

But--and it's actually impossible for us to overstate our excitement about this. It's like our birthdays and a year's worth of holidays, plus our teams winning the Super Bowl and World Series all at once. And even that comparison is a little subdued compared to how we're actually feeling--we are finally going to be reunited with our friends in Llanview and Pine Valley, because All My Children and One Life to Live are officially returning to our lives on April 29th. Can we all join hands and squeal excitedly right now? Just think about some of the characters we'll get to see again!

Pine Valley was never quite the same after Adam Chandler left town, so when it was announced that David Canary would be returning to the role (roles? Dare we hope that we’ll see Stuart, too? Preferably a lot. We could all use some of his sweetness) that made him a daytime icon, we couldn’t contain our glee. He’s the PERFECT character to bring to the new AMC, because he has a special relationship (and usually a feud) with almost every character on All My Children . The Chandler family and their assorted loved ones all had, shall we say…complicated feelings towards him (“complicated” is an understatement, but “his entire family spends most of their time hating him and simultaneously striving for his approval” takes too long to type). He’s been married at some point to basically every woman in town, so romantic tension follows him wherever he goes. He’s made business enemies thanks to his cutthroat tactics and he’s made enemies of neighbors just for…well, just for existing. Is he still with Brooke (we hope so)? What's his relationship with JR like (probably frought with tension, considering that is their default state and there's, you know, the whole matter of JR shooting a gun during a crowded party. A parent would frown on that, we think)? Does David Hayward still have dramatic and strangely loud monologues about his evil plans and schemes for those who have wronged him? How many times has he been arrested since we last saw him? It's got to be at least a dozen. We're sure that Zach has spent his time offscreen doing all sorts of soapy and dramatic things that, yeah, sure, we can't wait to hear about--as soon as he tells us where Kendall is. Do Angie and Jesse still set the gold standard for most wonderful television couple? We have a feeling we know the answer to that question, but we can't wait to see it onscreen.

Todd Manning will be back among his fellow Llanview-ites and the anticipation level cannot be exaggerated. It’s not that we didn’t have any fun watching him over on General Hospital, but he is most fascinating opposite those with which he has decades of history. Sure, it’s fun to watch him snark on every stranger he sees in some other town, but after a while it started to feel like he wasn’t much more than just another law-evading criminal and jerk with an unusually good sense of humor. How much is everyone looking forward to Todd getting a classic berating-but-loving talking-to from his big sister Viki? Almost as psyched as we are to see Todd get in some time with his adorable little nephew and Spiderman-bonding buddy Sam. (Oh yeah, and there’s that small issue of Blair, the love of his life. Some of us are KIND OF INTO THAT.)

 

And look out, men of Llanview, because local trouble-making hot redhead Natalie Banks appears to be single again. Has motherhood tamed her? We’ve all seen those previews: doesn’t look like it, and for that we are supremely grateful. The ads are teasing a possible connection with Cutter, a union that definitely has potential. For those of us who loved her with Jared, it’s always great to see her with a bad boy (with a heart of gold!) who can fully appreciate both her good and her more mischievous side. We can’t wait to see if Clint and Viki tied the knot and how Bo and Nora are doing as grandparents and how one Téa Francesca Delgado is coping with her myriad of losses. Have Rama and Vimal managed to stick together, and what the heck happened to Dorian’s congressional career? (We bet her outfits were just too awesome for the Senate floor.) And what of David Vickers? Has he been able to match the cinematic success of Vickerman, The David Vickers Story or is he having a string of failures like The Boy with the Chipmunk Tattoo? We’re coming to all of these people with a huge new appreciation: we get spoiled by seeing our soaps every day for decades on end and we kick and scream when our characters aren’t doing exactly what we want them to be doing. But now we’ve learned what life is like without them and we’re ready to welcome them back with open arms, even when they’re picking the wrong mate or taking the worst side in a battle or acting wildly out of character. (And we’ll totally keep that attitude for at least a week. Probably.)

AMC and OLTL will be airing half-hour long episodes every weekday and thanks to Hulu, you can watch on your computer screen (and then immediately run over to Serial Drama to leave exclamation filled comments to convey your excitement. We're still not overstating our happiness) two ways: Hulu.com and Hulu Plus. Hulu.com is completely free and allows you to watch the latest episode right from your computer screen. Hulu Plus is a subscription service: for $7.99 a month, you get to watch ALL episodes through mobile devices and have access to the Hulu library (want to try it for a week? Click here!)

 

To continue the theme of Things That Are Exciting and Awesome, we also want to announce a sweepstakes! One lucky Serial Drama winner will win a yearlong subscription to Hulu Plus and a chance to win the Grand Prize, a Roku. All you have to do is show your soap love: tell us which Pine Valley or Llanview character you're most excited to see!

**Sweepstakes Rules:
No duplicate comments.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
a. Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post
b:Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post
c: Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post
d: For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.
Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.
You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.
The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 4/29/2013-5/26/2013

Be sure to visit the sponsor's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers reviews and find more chances to win!

The Second Life to Live

Okay, this is just surreal. It might be the ridiculous amounts of coffee, but my hands are a little shaky as I sit down to type this out and I actually clicked on the "One Life to Live" category for this post and it wasn't about anticipation and it wasn't about OLTL characters on another show, but about today's new episode.

Today's new episode!

There's so much to say and it's nearly impossible not just to offer up a blow-by-blow account with lots of squealing and every single frame screencapped, but that would be silly so let's just dive into a few major points. Like this one: speaking of blow-by-blow, here's my favorite "no more network censors!" moment....

Love it. Love it!

And another thing I'm super-psyched about right off the bat? Somebody's finally realized that Melissa Archer is insanely hot and dressing her like it. Those of you who were with me here for the last couple years of the ABC version of the show might recall how annoyed I'd get when they mysteriously made her frumpy so often when the woman is just lightning hot. Someone realized!

And oh yeah, I'm pretty much already a hardcore Natalie/Cutter 'shipper. That was fast!

Lord they were hot.

Top Reasons NOT to Watch the New AMC and OLTL

Y'all, it's literally less than one day away.

Oh wait, I shouldn't watch. Here's a poll that I developed after combing the internet and finding the most popular reasons that people are not going to watch the revived All My Children and One Life to Live and I think you'll all agree that this is how we should live and think and we should totally not watch. Vote now on why you absolutely will not watch! Check your pick!

_ I refuse to pay to watch soaps, even though you absolutely can watch them for free.

_ I watched a 118-second promo video and I can already tell that THEY HATE THE FANS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE VETS!

_ I base all my viewing decisions on routine entertainment litigation and obviously Prospect Park is a super-evil production company and the first to ever sue a television network and therefore it is my moral obligation to refuse to watch a show that, actually, earns ABC money if I watch it.

_ Prospect Park told us we'd keep AMC and OLTL online and it would happen in January of 2012 and it didn't happen because they couldn't put the money together and that is just wrong and they are mean and cannot be trusted so I will not watch the shows that they literally brought back from the dead later than they had hoped.

_ Serial drama is just dead, forget it. The proof is in the pudding, which is something like 400 serial dramas currently on TV.

_ There are only four episodes a week. SACRILEGE. I'd rather have no soaps than a 20% reduction in story content!

_ I am sub-human and I do not like David Canary or Erika Slezak because, really, who would?

_ I do not have the internet, despite the fact that I am currently on the internet reading this dumb poll.

_ My favorite couple is not together, so obviously everyone hates me AND WANTS TO RUIN THE GENRE.

_ I do not like joy.

I may have had a little freakout the other day on Serial Drama's Facebook page about this. I'm going to get up SO EARLY tomorrow. To watch. For free. Because that's how it works. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS.

Soulmates!

If you've ever spent any time browsing the B&B posts on here, y'all probably know by now how much I irrationally love it when they end episodes with those super-cheesy juxtapositions of characters longing for each other across space and time or whatever.

And those corny oft-repeated flashback montages to airy music are no different. Brooke and Bill flew in a balloon together! She cried in his arms when Stephanie died! And, most importantly, there was that one time she called him "Stallion" and HE ACTUALLY NEIGHED.

So as you can imagine, yesterday was Good Times for Weezie because they did both in one episode. And we got the full concluding zooming-in juxtaposed LOVAHS shot:

So romantic! Isn't it sad that these two soulmates can't be together?!

The Rules of the Mental, Soap-Style

Well, there are upsides and downsides.

When it comes to soap amnesia, those who are perfectly aware of the amnesiac situation must never give advance notice to any loved ones or acquaintances in advance of the first meeting. No warning to the extended family, no heads-up to friends. Shit, y'all. The Spencer/Falconeri gang seemed to have even made an appointment with Patrick for Lulu without having even mentioned that the most acute need for this particular exam was that she's FORGOTTEN HER WHOLE LIFE. Why would her doctor need to know? He'll find out when she shrieks that she doesn't know him!

Oh and another thing that happens with soap amnesia: they only forget their personal lives. They remember their command of the English language, they remember what year it is and who the President is. Nobody ever asks them if they remember learning to read and write, or if they remember whether or not they voted for this particular president, or how they even know that they can legally walk into a bar and order a drink. And they never want doctors to help them actually get their memory back, they just want to be LEFT ALONE! (Does Lulu even have a wallet? Somehow I feel like Stavros didn't hang on to it as a favor to her while he'd put her on ice.)

And poor Dante has lost his "Most Perfect Husband Ever" title because he is acting just as every soap mate behaves when their significant other turns up all amnesiac. That is to say, he is all up her grill constantly and isn't the least bit interested in what her doctor has to say or suggest.

He's exhibiting zero patience and, rather than focusing entirely on the fact that she is MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE and trying to make sure she has the space and comfort necessary so that she can stop feeling so terrified and start getting her footing again, he's preoccupied entirely with making sure she remembers him THIS VERY SECOND. (This reminds me an awful lot of Teen Jessica's amnesia over on OLTL, in which usually-perfect Brody spent every waking second trying to get her to fall in love with him rather than just trying to be grateful that her stepfather Charlie didn't actually kill her when he accidentally shot her and maybe not trying to force a boyfriend on a crazy girl who just got almost-raped by her then-bio-dad and maybe give her a little time and support and.... oh lord, do I go on. Y'all, One Life to Live is currently premiering a brand new episode downtown RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I'm a little distracted and possibly unwell. Emotionally. So you can see why this is the perfect blog theme!)

With This Ring....

Y'all, Liam got married again!!! (He does that a lot. His wedding-to-actual-marriage ratio is pretty shameful, but he sure has broken the record on weddings.)

There's not much to say about it, really, but I couldn't resist posting this particular close-up of the big ring moment:

I can't help it, it cracked me up. I like that Steffy is an unconventional kind of gal (though I do think their presentation of it is pretty perfunctory -- she's something like 22 and wants nothing more than to settle down with a husband and new baby, but look! She rides a motorcycle into her wedding and wears black!), even if I do not share her particular version of unconventional aesthetic.

Otherwise, what a bummer of a little wedding. I always feel so sad for these soap characters who only have about five wedding guests and have to get married in the backyard. And they did the toasts in the middle of the ceremony -- so is there no reception? Lame! The reception is the good part! (Then again if you only have five guests, I guess a reception would be a little embarrassing. That would be such a sad electric slide.)

Layers and Layers of Menace

Because I am a compulsive planner, I've started to look ahead to December and the Serial Drama Best and Worst of 2013 post and, specifically, the category "Worst Time People Talked About Killing Brenda And Did It With Lots of Meaningful Looks And A Humorous Tone So It Didn't SEEM Like They Were Serious About Actual Murder Except For The Part That They Totally Were" which has a shocking amount of potential honorees, like Sonny's jokey-except-not discussion of Brenda murder today.

Sonny: Don't give [Carly] too mch credit. You know why? Because she asked me to kill Brenda.
Olivia: How hard was it for you to resist?
Sonny: [Meaningful look]
Audience At Home: [Dawning horror]

Olivia, genuinely worried about the answer to her question because it's not out of the realm of possibility: You didn't kill Brenda, did you?
Sonny: No! [Beat] I mean...[Silence, in which it's heavily implied that he fantasized about gruesomely killing her because she made Carly mad, in which case baristas all over upstate New York better look into some security detail]

Olivia: So if I wouldn't have called you, you would have gone and found Brenda and, um, what?
Sonny: [Grateful for the appearance of Dante and Crew. Not because he's even a little bit interested in any of their lives, but because it at least puts off the awkward moment of having to answer Olivia with "Probably some heavy duty berating and then taking her out into the woods if you know what I mean, and I think you do, but in case you don't, I mean that I'd kill her in the woods."]

It was all profoundly unsettling, although not as unsettling as the moment I nodded my head and said "Yup, totally" at something Sonny said. IN MY DEFENSE, what he said was "When Michael told me what happened, I thought I was going to be sick"; I think fear of public vomiting was a pretty universal reaction to that particular plot twist. It's been an upsetting day for me, okay?

Return of the Goddess (and I Don't Mean Katie Couric)

Because that's what Robin Mattson is.

All right, let's do this thing as we go, shall we?

Spinelli goes to see Heather in the crazy lady hospital.

Welcome back, Heather.

Felix gives Sabrina a hard time for ruining his makeover by pulling her hair back for work. You know, her job at the hospital. As a nurse. I'm going with, "Yes. Pull your hair back." He has actually referred to having turned her into Cinderella. I'm glad they spelled it out because thus far it sure had been subtle.

Britt tells Patrick she's aborting her baby which, based on that bump, is about two months from birth. So yeah, that makes sense? 

Nik is talking on the phone to Spencer. I wonder if a SORAS'ed Spencer will return soon in the form of Michael Easton. Oh, and Katie Couric is Nik's doctor today.

Lulu still hasn't seen "any of you people" in her life.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? (Confession: I totally love soap amnesia!)

Konnie is at Sonny's door. She's been released from treatment. Oh I like her little outfit!

He asks if she's Kate or Connie, which.... isn't how integration works, but okay. It's Soap D.I.D., so we just get to do what we're told.

Ads. Something about some stupid reality diving show. I'm never going to understand this.

Tracy is trying to get Shawn to carry PickleLila at Kelly's. So Shawn is Sonny's enforcer and still the manager of Kelly's? He's not interested, so she thinks Wyndham's will jump at the chance. Wyndham's!

Konnie wants to know if Sonny was hoping she was Kate or Connie.

Lulu continues to ask people who they are. She insists that Stavros Cassadine is her hubby.

What More Could We Have Done?

Oh, Bill. Silly, silly Bill Spencer.

Yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful gave us a few delicious tidbits of hilarity, starting with Bill and Brooke's utter inability to make even small talk without standing at most three inches away from one another.

And then of course the two of them had one of the more hysterically delusional conversations I've ever heard in which they talked themselves into thinking that Katie, in fact, wants the two of them to be together. And it's not their fault and they had no choice and they tried literally everything to make Katie feel better and stop her from ending the marriage! Everything!

Brooke: We made love. And it just seemed so right. Katie didn't want you, but I did. I hadn't loved somebody like that in a long time. But did she mean it? Did she really mean she wanted us to be together, or did she just say that out of anger?

Bill: We tried to convince her.

Brooke: And she just kept insisting.

Bill: What more could we have done? I'm not going to apologize for what happened. We wouldn't even be having this conversation if Katie weren't sick.

That's right, Bill. What more could you have done? I mean you tried lying, you tried yelling ignorant things at your wife a lot, and you tried telling her sister you'd married the wrong sibling. Maddeningly, none of that managed to hold your marriage together! What choice did you have but to give her sister a stallion ride? NONE AT ALL. You only did what any man would do!

This Is Just Amazingness (Side Note: Nothing Rhymes With Stavros)

OHMIJASONMORGAN, you guys. Today's General Hospital was brimming with things that were all sorts of soapily awesome.

You had AJ not being able to contain his glee that Michael's maybe-tryst with Brenda was causing Carly enormous amounts of physical and emotional pain, which--I'm right there with you, dude.

Then there was Carly and Brenda's conversation, which was basically the two of them sniping at each other for an entire hour about how the other is a psychopath deviant, sort of like:

CARLY: Why you got to be such a slut, slut?
BRENDA: Who are you calling a slut, bitch?
CARLY: I'm sorry, did someone three feet shorter than me say something? I heard a whorish whispher from far away.
BRENDA: What's it like to be terrible at everything you attempt, including coming up with comebacks?
CARLY: Whore says what?
BRENDA: I'm not falling for that.
CARLY: Of course you'll fall for it, right onto your back. WHOA! YA BURNT!

The more heated they each became, the more likely they were to palce emphasis on random syllables.

Brenda: Your SON is not a KID anymore, you FREAK.
Carly: SONny might disaGREE, BRENda.

These things were all awesome, but nothing--NOTHING, compares to Stavros Cassadine. Every single moment he was onscreen was a golden moment: the way he attempted to calm Luke and Laura down by earnestly saying of his crazy plan "I think you have the wrong idea, I am merely courting Lulu", the way he knocked out Nikolas ans Dante so casually and yet forcefully. It was all great.

But I think my favorite moment was the absolutely amazing and RIDICULOUS way the episode ended:

Luke: You put the old bitch on ice?
Stavros: Just like I did to my new princess. My Ice Princess.

I screamed like I was watching the Beatles at Shea Stadium. Beautiful, beautiful camp. I want nothing more than a constant loop of Stavros being a ridiculous human (possibly) being.

Our Commenters Are The Fanciest, B&B Edition

Do not ever accuse us of not paying attention and not giving credit where credit is due!

I take this moment to commend Serial Drama reader Anne, who rather perfectly called it last week after we were all complaining about Brooke's utter lack of guilt or remorse over schtupping her sister's husband: "If history is any guide, Brooke will feel terrible soon enough. One tear will even trickle down her cheek."

Well, Anne, sure enough!

The single tear was in full effect yesterday.

Sure, it was more about Katie's current state of non-consciousness, but she did seem to feel the tiniest bit of guilt about having been riding her sister's stallion at the very moment her sister was having heart failure.

Also, how hilarious were Bill's reactions to Taylor every time she skulked into a conversation? That was golden.

That's all I got, but I couldn't let it go unsaid.