Serial Drama

It's Like They Are Begging Me To Make a Joke About This Show Choking

I am not sure who is crazier at the end of this clip (the last scene of today's episode):

Erica, for deliberately provoking a person she KNOWS is insane and violent and who has, in fact, STABBED HER in the past, with her hilarious quips and her steely determination to send said insane person up the river for Stuart's murder? Really, Erica? That's how you deal with someone you believe to be a deranged murderer? By stalking and needling them and rubbing your gloriously voluminous hair in their face? That doesn't seem wise.

Annie, for coping with listening to things she doesn't want to hear by going, "Lalalala, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, GAH! STOP! I WILL KILL YOU"?

The audience, for continuing to watch even though it is causing our brain cells to rapidly deplete to the point where we maybe, I don't know, hypothetically lose all hand-eye coordination and wind up hitting our heads getting out of our cars? Twice in one day?

It's us, isn't it?

*Also, did anybody else catch Kendall saying "You might as well just bury me now" in front of Tad, who actually did bury someone a few years ago? It made me laugh until I cried. And those tears were the devastated tears of a person who just realized that maybe Megan McTavish wasn't so bad after all...

Eileen Davidson's "Dial Emmy For Murder"

If you're anything like me, your eyes instinctively roll when you hear that a celebrity has written a novel (I freely admit that this is partly out of jealousy on my part. If Lauren Conrad can "write" a novel, why can't I?!). But! If you rolled your eyes when you heard that Eileen Davidson has a series of soap opera mystery books, you eyerolled too soon, because her latest, Dial Emmy For Murder, is pretty damn good. And I don't mean that in a "well, it's so terrible that it's good" or "I heart Eileen Davidson, so let's just say that this is good"" kind of way; I am being completely sincere! If you're looking for an inanely entertaining summer read, this is it.

Quick background: Alexis Peterson is a soap star, formerly of The Yearning Tide and now playing the dual roles of Felicia and Fannie (Felicia's ugly twin, who is played with fake teeth and a prosthetic nose. Shades of Susan Banks!) on The Bare and the Brazen who again finds herself in the middle of a murder mystery when her Emmy co-presenter winds up dead. I will say no more because it's a mystery, duh, and I don't want to give anything away. 

I love, love, love Eileen Davidson as Ashley Abbott and I adored her on Days, and it turns out that she's a great storyteller, too. She's funny, is great with dialogue and Alex is a fantastic, clever character. I really feel like soap headwriters should consult with ED before they write another of their harebrained mysteries (Charles Pratt, I am sneering in your general direction).

Has anybody else read this book, or her previous novel, Death in Daytime? Share in the comments!

Soap Blog Coalition

Should SOAPnet produce a splashy Santa Barbara miniseries or movie? Jamey lays out the evidence why he thinks they should. (Daytime Confidential)

Check out the latest rant on the PVB regarding how low can SOAPnet go. Do you agree with Kathy, has the station has "jumped the shark"? (Pine Valley Bulletin)

As the malpractice suit/murder mystery on General Hospital trudges along, we've been entertained by some great quote worthy moments, here are some of the best (Scrubs Hub)

In their latest Soap Opera Digest column, the Serial Drama girls focus on veteran characters. Some shows, like All My Children and The Young & The Restless, use them well and give them great stories, and then there's General Hospital and what they have done with Luke Spencer. (Serial Drama)

I was compelled to pause the DVR after being so totally outraged over the scene that took place at the Chancellor estate. If Neil genuinely recognized the fact that Mrs. "C" was in trouble, he should have called 911 immediately. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Lisa LoCicero just got a contract on General Hospital. Will it matter? Either way, we're happy! (Wubs.net)

Subtlety Is Not This Show's Strong Suit

Hey, guys! How are you feeling? Do you have pounding headaches? So do I. I think it's a direct result of being hit in the head with the ten tons of foreshadowing the General Hospital writers threw at us today:

Sonny, to Jason, about Michael, in a surprisingly well acted scene that marks the second time this week that I have complimented Steve Burton's performance and regarded such as the highlight of the entire show, which leads me to believe that it is 1997 again and nobody told me. Oh wait, it's not, because half of the characters on canvas in 1997 are dead now: As far as I'm concerned, he's my firstborn.

Because Michael's NOT Sonny's firstborn, remember? Both because he is not Sonny's biological son and because Sonny doesn't know that his firstborn son was actually born to Olivia and is named Dante and who is, we're all sure, going by the name Dominic and who spent a few days hiding in Sonny's own house. Oh the drama!

And wait--there's more! Sonny's firstborn actually held a gun on Sonny's "firstborn" (and ex-wife and one of the children that he seems like he can do without). CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EXTREME ORIGINALITY AND ENTERTAINMENT?

We are in for a long, long summer.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

I am not anti-villain. I love a soapy bad guy or girl. I have adored DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Victor Kiriakis and his malevolent deeds since acid-washed jeans were popular the first time around. And one of Victor’s worst enemies, Stefano DiMera? Who doesn’t root for him, at least a little bit, every time he comes back from the dead to wreak havoc? Then there’s GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Helena Cassadine, who is a kidnapper, brainwasher, and murderer many times over. Yet I love her! I could go on for pages with examples of my solidly pro-villain stance. And I also understand that even good guys have to have some villainous qualities now and then, to keep things interesting. But lately with Luke Spencer, GENERAL HOSPITAL has replaced what was a layered and interesting sometime villain with an unrepentant jerk who has lost all rootability in my eyes.

In Which My DVR Is An Eloquent Soap Critic

As I mentioned on Facebook, I was completely delighted by my DVR's description of today's All My Children.

Ryan makes things worse for Kendall.

Substitute "the audience" for "Kendall" and you have a very astute commentary on the current state of the show. Even inanimate objects don't like Ryan! Is this a new trend of snarky recording devices? I eagerly look forward to episodes described with "Liza makes an incredibly stupid decision" and "David Canary continues to be too good for this show."

My dislike of Ryan is so strong that during his scenes today with North, who is most likely abusive to his wife and who is going after my favorite character on the show full throttle, Charlie's Angels 2 style, with a singular determination that is sort of obsessive, I found myself taking North's side because Ryan is terrible and makes everybody in a scene with him vastly more enjoyable.

He was practically drooling with excitement over Tad possibly seeing Annie the night of Stuart's murder which, following his pure glee over the shenanigans he and his merry troupe of schemers engaged in to help push a mentally ill woman over the edge, is icky, to say the least. I am sure there is a better way to describe Ryan, or at least a way that doesn't involve schoolyard exclamations of disgust, but that's all I've got.

We Should Petition To Change The Name of Port Charles To Dullsville

Nikolas: Honestly, who writes this stuff?

Oh, Nik. That question weighs heavily on my soul on a daily basis. My theory is cyborgs. It has to be cyborgs, right? That would go a long way in explaining General Hospital's complete lack of logic and emotion.

(Nice shot at horror movie writers, by the way. Sure, movies like Pumpkinhead and Slumber Party Massacreare terrible but I have to tell you, Jason Voorhees came back from the dead, like, eighteen times and none of those resurrections were as awful and insulting as that of Diego Alcazar)

So Mayor Floyd was arrested for the murder of his mistress despite, as far as I can tell, the police never actually, like, investigating the crime and the big story of the day was that...he had a one night stand with Alexis? And people are calling for her to resign? This show has never been particularly good at portraying the media (remember when Sam was basically a bystander during the Metro Court crisis and she got a show and was hilariously famous? The paparazzi followed Jason! I hated those days when I was living them, but now I long for them), but this is silly, even for them.

Especially because, as Alexis pointed out to a hilariously uncomfortable Patrick:

Alexis: It was one night. It wasn't an affair. It was one night. And it was the night that I just happened to walk in on my husband having sex with my daughter and found out that I had cancer, so I was a little out of sorts, and apparently stupid.

Yeah. Remember when Alexis was heartbroken, despondent, hacking up her lung and weeks away from a coma? She totally had time to have sex with the mayor! Which means that all of those times that Ric tried to deflect attention off of himself and his terrible decision to have sex with his stepdaughter by hysterically accusing Alexis of having a fling with the mayor, he was actually right. Yay for character ruining rewrites!

A Never Ending Parade of Stupid

I sat in silence during Friday's episode of All My Children and for a long time after it ended, contemplating how best to describe the massive amount of dumb exhibited by Liza Colby. I was speechless for an embarrasing amount of time trying to come to grips with describing the level of idiocy necessary to fake labor to get out of an admittedly ghoulish fake funeral for a not dead baby and then go continue your fake labor at your ex-boyfriend's house where your daughter hangs out, and then insist that your daughter stay with you during your fake labor and, apparently, just cross your fingers and hope that she doesn't think anything of it when you birth a pillow and have a baby delivered via courier in the form of Tad Martin with a brain injury.

Do I list a number of adjectives for dumb, and remark that even if we were to assign numerical values to each synonym, add them together, and multiply by pi? Do I craft a series of "Yo Momma" jokes about her? Do I hit her below the belt and insinuate that her plans are even more illogical and flat out felony level stupid than those of Claudia Zacchara's? It broke my brain!

Jake: You do? You want her to stay and witness the birth of a pillow, do you?

Liza: She just asked for me to help. Do you know how long I've been waiting for my daughter to reach out to me?

Jake: Do you know how difficult this is going to be to pull off, do you?

Liza: Ok, one of the reasons I'm having this baby is bond with my daughter. Jake, she stays.

Bitch crazy.

General Hospital SHOCKER

In a twist that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, saw coming, Ric Lansing, treated so often by the writers as either a complete afterthought or a convenient scapegoat for terrible things, left Port Charles in a dignified way. He wasn't humiliated yet again by Jason or Sonny. His unconscious body wasn't again traipsed around town. And, most shockingly of all, left town ALIVE.

This is the first time in years that General Hospital has surprised me...aside from the surprise I have on a daily basis about the lengths the show will go to to be terrible, but you know what I mean.

Ric: I'd love nothing more than to take you down, Ms. Miller, but unfortunately, I'm leaving Port Charles.

Patrick: When did that come about?

Ric: Let's just say, I got an offer I couldn't refuse.

Hee! And Rick Hearst got an offer from a soap who recognizes the fact that he's crazy talented and will presumably write for him, not letting him sit on the backburner unless the script calls for mustache twirling villainy or losing an argument against Sonny.

Claudia: Where are you going? 

Ric: Los Angeles. It's interesting work...and it's completely legal.

And he's too right about the, um, interesting aspect of his upcoming work in LA. His character on B&B is named Whipple Jones III! That is endlessly entertaining, far more so than most of GH.

The character of Ric was poorly written and underdeveloped, and completely saved by Rick Hearst, who was far too good for this show. And, as Beth R. pointed out, his goodness was rewarded with the show taking him out of the opening credits before his last episode. All together now: This effing show...

Soap Blog Coalition

Ah the power of a recession! With daytime in an increasingly perilous state, several soap operas seem to finally be willing to pull out all the stops to attract new viewers and/or mainstream buzz by going gay, puritanical watchdog groups and skittish sponsors be damned. (Daytime Confidential)

Lots of Spoilers and Rumors out there this week. Is Ethan working for Helena? Will Jason and Johnny work together again? (GHOFS)

While Amanda longs to have her baby back and doesn't realize he's right under her nose, flashback to 1997 when Maria was in a similar situation. Only it was she who thought her baby was dead while Erica held on to little Maddie, passing her off as Russian adoptee Sonya. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

On the off chance that someone should ask them why they hate Ryan Lavery, the Serial Drama girls have started to compile a list of the myriad reasons for their loathing. (Serial Drama)

On a soapless summer weekend, we are more than often blessed with good weather which typically allows us to take a break and simply forget about the soaps for a couple of days. Find out how to survive the soapless weekends (Soap Opera Examiner)

It's nice to see Robin getting back to basics since returning home to Patrick and Emma last month. (The Scrubs Hub)

Sometimes the Wubs is all about the fun behind the soaps--check out some Nancy Lee Grahn and Brandon Barash tweets, fun tidbits and a little bit of Prime Time Dish. (Wubs.net)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Scenes from today's episode of All My Childrenmade me smile. And a genuine smile, at that! Normally whilst watching AMC, the only smile I can muster is of the "Let me tightly purse my lips and force a smile while I plot this show's downfall" variety.

And even more shocking, the scenes that made me downright gleeful involved Ryan, as in Ryan Lavery as in The Worst Person To Ever Be. He was only marginally involved with the awesomeness, though, and was mostly mute while Adam, Annie and Erica exchanged hilarious one-liners and cruelly taunted each other.

I don't love the fact that Erica was trying her best to provoke Annie into a full-on psychotic episode, and I don't love the fact that Adam is blindly devoted to Annie, and I don't love the fact that Annie is quite probably playing Adam, but I DO love awkward dinner parties and the way that La Lucci, David Canary and Melissa Claire Egan work with one another, and the way Annie kept eyeing fireplace pokers as possible weapons.

Three cheers for being funny on purpose!

Into the Woods

In Mean Girls, when Coach Carr was teaching sex ed, he told the students not to have sex because they will get chlamydia and/or pregnant, and then die. I feel like sex education in Port Charles should address similar downsides to sexual activity, such as

• you will get pregnant and have a miscarriage
• you will get pregnant and face some sort of mortal peril
• you will have a baby who eventually grows up to be shot or otherwise held at gunpoint
• you will have a baby who you stick in a tree

I don't understand why the General Hospital writers see children merely as new canvases for gunshots and life-threatening danger, when it's patently obvious that soap children are meant to be adorable scenery.

Ugh.

Obviously, Sonny's career and Carly's blind devotion to it are the reason that their children continue to wind up in dangerous scenarios, but since the show believes that their lifestyle is honorable and heroic, the constant danger seems less "karma for Sonny and Carly" than it does "let's exploit the audience's emotions by holding a gun on a kid! Dramatic jackpot!"

And what makes this even better is--wait for it--the person holding the gun on Sonny's kids is...Sonny's kid.

DID YOUR MIND JUST EXPLODE FROM THAT AWESOMENESS?!?!

I am unspoiled, so I don't know if Dominic actually is Dante, but the setup is so cliched and ridiculous that it pretty much has to be the case. Dominic's mention of Bensonhurst sealed the deal: you can't come from Bensonhurst and not have some sort of relationship with Sonny. I'm pretty sure the writers actually think that Bensonhurst is an imaginary place they invented...

(Also, the woods in Port Charles are terrible, perhaps even more so than the dangerous-ass park. Mob shootouts, mobsters' children being held hostage, babies being stuffed in trees. It is validating my dislike for the great outdoors!)

I Suppose This Is Technically Giving The Viewers What They Want

In theory, if I were forced to choose between being bored out of my mind or being a witness to limitless character/show history destruction, I'd choose the boredom, so I guess that today's episode of All My Children counts as a mild kind of wish fulfillment since, for the most part, I barely even got annoyed since I was so busy struggling to stay awake. Uh, nicely done, powers-that-be...

Seriously, the most interesting All My Childrenrelated thing to happen today was discovering that the actor who plays ADA Henry North is named Kieran Campion. Is that not the greatest name ever? And it turns out that he's an established Broadway actor once described  as "the all-American cutie with a smile begging to be cast in a Colgate commercial". So he's got that going for him.

What he doesn't have going for him is good writing or a good scene partner. Denise Vasi is so pretty--one of the prettiest women on soaps right now--but her entire acting repertoire consists of a blank stare and a mild line reading, no matter what the scene calls for. When she is being threatened by a pimp, or flirting with her husband, or getting upset that her husband was injured, she always stares blankly and says something in a pleasant monotone.

It turns out that North and Randi have a history, and that he fell in love and wanted to run away with her, going so far as to make arrangements to meet her at the train station and head for parts unknown, before Randi stood him up. I find this completely unsurprising.

Oh, sure, it is completely random and it contradicts Randi's prior assertions that she never had feelings for anyone before Frankie, but come on, how could any of us expect Pratt to not jump on the late "Hee! Politicians are skeevy!" bandwagon that Bob Guza just jumped on? Except instead of GH's Player Mayor we now have the...uh, Pay-D-A. I could make up puns for politician sex scandals all day long. The Daily News should hire me to write snappy headlines!

True Romance

I have long abandoned any hope of tuning into General Hospital for love in the afternoon, because that's something that this show simply doesn't do (aside from Bob Guza's all-abiding love for Steve Burton). 

And judging by their latest attempt at recapturing the, uh, magic of Nikolas and Emily's love story, I'd prefer that they not even try, because if this is what they consider romantic, I...worry.

Nikolas: Well, you're part of Emily. Emily's part of you. I just can't really separate one from the other anymore, you know? And I -- I remember seeing you in her. I just didn't know what I was looking at. You know, that tough look that she had, that swagger that she had when she got angry [Hee! Emily having swagger. As if!--Ed.]

Rebecca: Yeah.

Nikolas: I thought it was all her. But now I understand you were there all along.

Rebecca: Wow, I never thought of it that way.

Nikolas: Yeah. I want to be with you so bad. For who you are and who Emily was.

Sometimes, you can only widen your eyes in horror and back away from the crazy.

Nikolas: You -- you have never looked more beautiful than you do right now.

"You have never looked more beautiful than you do right now, in a dress that looks exactly like the one my dead fiancee wore. Can I call you Emily? That would make me happier than I have ever been before."

Meanwhile, Sonny and Claudia continue to bring new meaning to the word glurg, having angry sex (at the exact same time that Jason is getting shot at. What up, 1999?) after foreplay consisting of:

...Claudia obsessing over her brother's sex life

...Sonny telling his wife to, and I quote, "shut the hell up"

...this conversation:

Claudia:  Maybe if you were as possessive of me --

Sonny: Why would I be possessive when I don't trust you, and I don't really like you? So why would I be possessive?

I bet that "Smack My Bitch Up" is their song. So sweet!

He Never Fails To Fail

We've all been there. Watching an episode of All My Children, cringing at the factual mistakes, admiring Erica's inappropriate wardrobe, being sad that Marissa's potential awesomeness was squandered so quickly, when all of a sudden Ryan Lavery does something so ludicrous and epically toolish, that you can't even focus on the rest of the episode because you are dumbfounded by how terrible he is at everything. Am I right?

He is the worst. And his status as the worst has prompted me to introduce a new feature: Things Ryan Lavery Fails At. Odds are that you will never need to refer to this list to provide proof as to the many ways that Ryan is terrible, because nobody will ever ask you for details about his terribleness, because it is an opinion that unites even the most wildly different people. And odds are even slimmer that a soap opera fairy godmother will approach you looking for aspects of Ryan's character that can be improved, because obviously the AMC powers-that-be think that he's peachy keen as is. But in case any of those things ever happen, I feel like an annotated list of awfulness would be helpful.

Soap Blog Coalition

General Hospital's Sam McCall knows her way around Port Charles and like the good sister that she is, has a few tips for Kristina on how to survive Port Chuckles. (Daytime Confidential)

"Bye Bye Mrs. McBain - A Tribute to Kathy Brier" - Michael Fairman salutes Brier and her tremendous contributions and performances as Marcie Walsh McBain, as she aired in her final "OLTL" episode on Wednesday.  (Michael Fairman Soaps)

The publicity machine that is Ryan and Erica keeps on rolling, but how do you feel about the upcoming storyline? Weigh in with the latest PVB poll! (The Pine Valley Bulletin)

Schemes and plots are a soap staple, but they're no fun to watch if the plots make no sense, as is the case on All My Children. (Serial Drama)

So, go ahead and call me slightly 'Otaliacentric' and 'Guiding Light obsessed these days but the reality is that I still cannot quite grasp the fact that the beacon on that lighthouse seemingly appears to be going dark very soon.  (Soap Opera Examiner)

Check out all the Kimberly McCullough related pictures we've gathered from the Soap Nation's tour at the CMA Music Festival this past weekend (which also includes pictures of Greg Vaughn, Becky Herbst, Brandon Barash, and Laura Wright). (The Scrubs Hub)

We Love Soaps editor Michael Goldberg takes a look at the recent announcement that Crystal Chappell and Wally Kurth wil return to Days of our Lives and what that means with the latest play to save the show. (We Love Soaps)

NuMolly's coming, some great pics from the ABC/CWA event and news from Steve Burton's appearance in NY. (Wubs.net)

That Hour Of Television Actually Bordered on Decent!

I would not describe today's episode of General Hospital as great, or even good, but I can honestly say with no hesitation that it was kind of okay, which is the most effusive praise I have given this show in ages! And once again, I am most complimentary of an episode completely lacking in Sonny and Claudia. Coincidence? I think not!

It had all of the elements of, you know, a soap opera: snappy dialogue! Veteran characters! An umbrella storyline that features the actual General Hospital of General Hospital! It would make me all warm and fuzzy if I thought for even one second that this was the signal of a creative upswing, rather than an enjoyable aberration.

The biggest key to my happiness? Nancy Lee Grahn.

Her increased onscreen presence, after eons of being backburnered, is a welcome surprise. I'm a little leery of what is coming down the pike, what with Alexis not having an inkling that her daughter is a hellraiser, and I have a feeling that nothing good will come of her part in the Player Mayor Mistress Murder story but damn it, I am determined to enjoy the NLG goodness while I can, before the writers forget that she is in the cast again.

Bad Idea Jeans Are Pine Valley's Trendiest Item

There are so many convoluted schemes being perpetuated on All My Children right now by characters who are truly out of their depth, which, I suppose, is a function of the show being written by people whose writing process consists of "You know what would be freaking awesome? If we had [Character(s)] do [something completely random that goes against their character history and/or common sense]. I don't know how we can make that happen but, oh, well, everything will sort itself out in the long run!".

All Liza wants is to reconnect with Colby. Naturally, her first attempt at reconnecting with her daughter involved writing letters and then never thinking to follow up with her mother, stepfather and friends in town when the letters went unanswered, instead shrugging and saying to herself, "It's okay, one day there will be a thunderstorm in Pine Valley and I'll sneak into the Chandler mansion and happen upon the stack of letters and show them to her then. Much easier than picking up the phone and calling her." I guess it's no surprise, then, that her next attempt included having a baby. Except it's not so much "having a baby" as it is "pretending to be pregnant and then passing off an adopted baby as my own. An adopted baby who is the focal point of another scheme involving my ex-boyfriend and his new wife and lies about dead newborns".

All of that is incredibly stupid, as is her justification for not adopting another baby that doesn't have the Jake/Amanda/David baggage:

Liza: Tad, I've tried to conceive. Donors and insemination, just like I did with Colby. It's not working, and, uh, yeah, I've thought about adoption, but two years of waiting, possibly getting slammed -- I'm sorry. I just don't have the time or the patience to wait.

That's straight up lunacy. "I am too impatient to wait for a legal adoption, so let me stick a pillow under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, because that is obviously what rational people do in this type of situation".

I suppose it is her obvious insanity that prevented her from giving her plan any more thought, like, oh, I don't know, what would she do if the daughter she is so desperate to reconnect with asked to feel her brother or sister kick.

Colby: I got to feel Jenny move all the time. She did backflips. Let's see what this little guy does.

Liza: NO! Don't. Don't!

She is terrible at scheming. How did she not think someone would attempt to feel the baby kick? I've seen pregnant women get accosted by strangers with that request. Think your plans through, idiot!

Later, when she was at the casino, pouring her heart out to Zach with her dress open and her bra exposed because...I don't even know, my heart actually stopped beating for a second because of the sheer terror I felt at this exchange:

Liza: What are you talking about? I just lost my child.

Zach: You'll have another one.

STEP AWAY FROM THE WOMAN WITH BABY RABIES, ZACH SLATER. WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND IT LED TO HEARTACHE AND VOMITING.

A Professional Stylist Was Responsible For This. One Who Gets Paid Real U.S. Dollars.

 

Redhead.*
Magenta sweater.
Red handbag.

I'm just going to let you sit and rearrange those words at random and decide if they are ever acceptable in the same vicinity as each other.

(They aren't, but I like to let people figure out that I am right in their own time.)

* With bad roots.  What the hell is wrong with the [inexplicably] Emmy-winning Days hairstylists?  Speaking of which, did I hallucinate or in the preview for today did I see a James Scott haircut?  Praise be!

My Essential Person Is Hard Liquor Because Of These Two

Okay, writers. I know you think that, because I watch your show, I am a simpleton who needs things explained to me often, slowly, and with monosyllabic words, but it's not true! I can watch a scene and understand what is going on, without the characters verbalizing it for me. You're freaking General Hospital. I don't need Cliff's Notes to make it through an episode.

Like, I understand that Maxie and Spinelli like each other and have a deep connection. You know how I know this? Because all of their scenes in the history of ever have consisted of them saying those exact words, quite practically verbatim.

Matt: Oh, come on, why not? Really, I mean, you just don't like doctors, or you prefer geeks that hang on your every word? [Zing! --Ed.] 

Maxie: I prefer Spinelli over any other guy, especially you.

Matt: Yeah? Ok, enlighten me. What's -- what's the guy's appeal?

Maxie: Well, he's brilliant and sweet and kind, and I happen to love him.

I GET IT, GH. I GET IT. POINT MADE. They are meant to be. They love each other. They like each other just the way they are. They are each other's lobsters. They are each other's essential person. They will never let go. They make each other want to be a betterperson. They complete each other. They are too old for this shit.

Oh, wait, that last one is me. And by "too old", I mean "too smart, too impatient and too likely to take hostages if the show keeps this up".

I Hope I'm Not The Only One To Find This Creepy...

Ashley's baby-naming technically isn't the most disturbing part of her storyline, as she is actually no longer pregnant, and only thinks she is still having a baby because of Adam's full throttle gaslighting, which is truly dark, but I can't help but be disturbed all the same.

Ashley: But I'm not going to. Bottom line is, I'm really happy, and I've been thinking.

Victor: Thinking about what?

Ashley: Baby names.

Victor: Boy or girl?

Ashley: Mm, I keep feeling like it's gonna be a girl. I don't know why. The one name that I keep coming back to is Hope, but if Hope isn't an option for you, I understand.

Victor:Well, this is a child of hope. I think it's very appropriate. And I adore you.

Ashley: I adore you, too.

FIRST OF ALL, this is not a child of hope. It is a child of defying the odds, and baffling the entire medical community, and grossing out hordes of viewers.

SECONDLY, who even entertains the notion of naming their child after their significant other's dead ex-wife? Aren't those names automatically off limits?! I realize that eliminating the names of all of Victor's ex-wives doesn't leave you many names to choose from, but still!

THIRDLY, how much farther off the deep end will Adam go when he learns of this latest development? He's pretty far gone as is, but this grossly inappropriate line of thought may even make him do even crazier thing than...well, okay, not much is crazier than dressing in drag in order to drive your father's girlfriend crazy, really, but if there is anything crazier, I have faith that he will find it.

We're Here to Help

It's once again time to take a look at the Google searches that lead people to our online home.  The earnest inquiries, the outraged rants, the truly bizarre shit that we are never really able to figure out why the Google crawler paired it up with our soapy posts or why people don't have friends to talk to about -- we bring it all together to laugh at address in the most respectful way possible.  

i want to watch guiding light

Aw, that’s sweet.  At least someone does! 

On a related note:

guiding light cancellation hoax?
was guiding light cancelled
guiding light cancellation outrage
has guiding light been cancelled

I say this out of love [-ish]:  It's over, and it's time to move on, sweetiepies.  There are plenty of other crappy soaps for you to watch, though!  Speaking of...

gh destroys characters to prop others

Yes, it does.  Constantly.  For nearly a decade now.  It’s exhausting to watch, isn’t it?  And again, speaking of...

how much does sonny corinthos suck?

So, so much.

We started off here with a relatively thorough accounting of the myriad reasons he sucks.  And then we really haven't shut up about the issue for nearly three years.  He keeps adding new reasons, which we are duty-bound to chronicle.  So anyway, all this is to say that you have found your people.  Welcome.

I hate ryan lavery

It’s kind of cute how Mallory searches for our own blog, isn’t it?  I think she just likes to verify on a weekly basis that Google will direct all Ryan Lavery haters to her AMC posts.  Like a quality control measure.

Bizarre sex that hurts ultra much

Brotherhood of the Woefully Dim

"Hells bells, Trudy," I said to myself following today's episode of General Hospital (in order to celebrate my excitement over Mad Men's third season premiere being two months away, I have been liberally peppering my speech with quotes from the show. Well, mostly that quote. Because it is hugely versatile and fun to say). "Everybody on this show is HOPELESSLY STUPID."

Seriously, I was going to do "The Week's Most 'How the Hell Can You Walk Upright, and Without Supervision' Dialogue", but there was no way to decide which Port Charles denizen was the most dangerously dumb.

Nikolas: Yeah, I wanted you to hear this from me. Rebecca and Emily are twins. Alexis has the FBI documentation to prove it.

Lucky: Well, that explains a lot.

Nikolas: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Are we supposed to believe that she just happened to end up here?

Nikolas: She swears she didn't know.

Elizabeth: But that's ridiculous.

Lucky: Ok, what difference does it make? It's almost like we got a part of Emily back with us.

Yes, Lucky, it is almost like you got a part of Emily back. The terrible part, with the awful personality, and the fake deep voice and the makeup style of the Bad Girl #1 character in an After School Special.

Lucky: But why be all suspicious? Emily wouldn't.

REALLY, LUCKY? Emily wouldn't be suspicious that the twin sister sold at birth just randomly landed in her town, all the way across the country, and started mingling with her friends and family after lurking in hallways for weeks? Why is EVERYBODY taking this news in stride? Lucky, Nikolas and Monica are all like, "That's hilarious that you are Emily's twin and stumbled upon our little town. That 'It's a Small World' song was right on!" 

Thankfully, Liz reacted to this poorly written story--oh, sorry, "bombshell reveal"--properly: with suspicion and blatant anger that she was sharing airspace with Lucky and Nikolas and their dumbness.

 

  

I especially love the last one, where she is plainly thinking, "Go ahead, respond to my cogent, logical argument with some inane comeback. I will cut you."

Those facial expressions clearly mirrored my own during the last two episodes (although mine were poor facsimiles of the above, as very few people in the world come close in matching Becky Herbst's expressiveness)...

Where Have You Gone, Summer Storylines?

We were completely flattered that Soap Opera Digest's Naomi Rabinowitz once again asked us for our opinion on soaps outside of our normal we-hate-basically-everything column. And since her article about the state of--or lack of--"summer" storylines on soaps today afforded us the opportunity to engage in two of our favorite traditions (complaining about bad writing and reminiscing about soaps' glory days), we had plenty to say.

Check out the article after the jump (click on the images to enlarge to full-size).  Fun side task:  Keep track of how many quotes in the article, from basically everyone interviewed, actually translate to "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENOUGH WITH THE SHITTY WRITING!" 

Soap Blog Coalition

Chris Goutman and Barbara Bloom are the smartest, most awesomest, most fetch, spiral-perm-wearingist peeps (Babs, not Chris) in the SOAPYVERSE! Find out what has made Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens change his opinion. (Daytime Confidential)

These days, General Hospital is giving the Serial Drama girls a serious case of deja vu, since its storylines have all been done (poorly) before. At least Laura Wright's hair provides a rare moment of quality! (Serial Drama)

Lately I'm beginning to wonder about the mental stability of some of the characters lurking around Genoa City these days. Where are their brains and their common sense? (Soap Opera Examiner)

This week The Scrubs Hub is looking back at their Top 10 "cutest" Scrubs moments. (The Scrubs Hub)

In a new interview to promote the launch of her web series, Family Dinner, Lauralee Bell talks about her famous family, her time on Y&R, how the new show came together and the many hats she wore to make it happen. (We Love Soaps)

Happy Birthday to Carolyn Hennesy...paying homage to our fave Port Charles Lawyer! (Wubs.net)