Serial Drama

She's Got Her Sights Set On Him . . . Unfortunately

I might be able to discuss the Carly/Sonny hookup for real at some point in the near future (I'm already focused on the silver lining:  Jax may finally be free!), but right now, I'm in that place where only a song will suffice.  To the tune of Miley Cyrus' See You Again:

I've got my sights set on him
And I'm ready to aim
I have a brain that will
Never be trained
I knew he was something special
When he shot my head
Now I can't wait to divorce him again

I've got a way of doing
Exactly what's wrong
No matter what low I sink to
They say I'm brave and strong
And praise my great wardrobe
And my whisperin' all day long
So I can't wait to divorce him again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

This one time we hooked up
I cheated on hot Jax
Damn those black sheets of satin
Whoa, whoa, I
I can't wait to divorce him again

I get this crazy feeling
Deep inside
When he calls me whore or bad mother
Day and night
I'm not a mind reader
But I'm reading the signs
That he can't wait to shoot me again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

The next time we get hitched
I'm sure it will work out
They say fifth time's a charm
Whoa, whoa, I
I hope this time he aims for my arm

It's Like a Never Ending Quest to Be Worse Than Awful

There's a commercial for Chips Ahoy where a chocolate chip cookie sings "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" to a buxom claymation woman before being eaten by a human that disturbs me on a lot of different levels (why are commercials now stooping to sexualizing chocolate chip cookies? Why would you give your edible product a face and a skeevy personality if the goal is to get people to buy and eat said product? Can you get an STD just from listening to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"? What happened to this cookie and this woman in their respective childhoods that has led them to date outside their species). Like, to the point where I seriously can't watch it. I have no problem watching the creepy ads for The Strangers, but when that Chips Ahoy commercial comes on, I need to change the channel or watch with my hand covering my face.

Today, this commercial came on immediately before AMC and...I actually found myself wishing I could see the commercial again instead of the crap that passes for entertainment on All My Children.

Here's a smattering of what we had to put up with this week:

(1) Okay, technically this is from last week but like reader buddz pointed out, this high horse moment cannot go without a comment:

Tad: You knew, didn't you? You knew about Kendall and Aidan. I'm sorry. It took a lot of work, but Aidan finally told me the truth. He said you had promised never to tell anybody, but I guess you found out about it somehow, huh?

Kendall: Tad, we know that you're upset --

Zach: Let him talk.

Tad: Couldn't believe it. I could not believe it when he told me he was coming to Cambias to work for you. I said it was a mistake, but I guess I was right, because his first day, his first day, you send him on a suicide mission?

Kendall: No, that's not how it happened.

Tad: Oh, please. A man as powerful as Zach Slater finds out you slept with somebody. What do you think is going to happen? That's it? It's history? Well, I don't think--

Kendall: No, so would you stop it?

Tad: Congratulations, Zach. Congratulations, because if you wanted payback, you certainly got it.

Kendall: Look, Tad, I know that you're upset, and I'm so sorry. We're so sorry --

Tad: Spare me your sympathy, please. And I guess it works out nice for you, doesn't it? Because if Aidan is dead, then your betrayal dies with him, or is that the way it was supposed to turn out?

Kendall: No, I never wanted Aidan to get hurt

Tad: Excuse me. I've got to go tell my parents their son is dead

I...I just...I can see why Tad would be upset about Jake and Pine Valley's sexiest piece of driftwood being presumed dead. I can. The death of a sibling is always painful, and losing Aiden means that he's losing the person who always makes him look comparatively smart. So I sympathize. I just feel like there's a proper way to express your anger in a situation, perhaps by writing your thoughts in a letter and not sending it.

I don't think it's normal to self righteously explode at the person who (a)knows that you tortured and buried a man alive (b)stood on trial for a murder you committed (c)is better than you in every conceivable way. Tad really has no etiquette when it comes to dealing with the people he's wronged...

More (and spoilers!) after the jump...

That Sound You Hear Is the Barrel's Bottom Being Scraped

In three short days, The Young and the Restless has given us:

• The marriage of the show's most chemistry free couple
• The engagement of the show's most repulsive couple
• A Hilton
• Wacky airline shenanigans
• The line "Do you think that my job at the gallery is damaging our psychic connection?"
• Tammin Sursok trying to convey heartbreak

Separately, any of the above would cause me to raise one eyebrow and sneer, but to foist upon the audience ALL OF THOSE THINGS in the span of three hours of show, that's...a cry for help.

Remember how Nikki spent eons doing nothing but repeating everything Victor said and occasionally scoffing at Sharon? And we were all like, "Why are you guys wasting the awesomeness of Melody Thomas Scott? Give her something to do!" and the show, like, made her want to be a state senator, and we were all like, "Um, technically I guess you're listening to my feedback..."?

It's kind of like that all over again. Like, yes, I want to see Nikki in a frontburner story because I think Melody Thomas Scott rules at life, but I don't want to see her in a shitty frontburner story because she deserves better than that. And anything involving David Chow is shitty. Which is sad, you know, because David Irizarry was so charming on AMC (and, the story goes, on Guiding Light) but they decided that, rather than exert effort in creating a character that makes sense, they should just cobble together some sort of crap hodgepodge veering from crazy gaslighting adulterer to brilliant political strategerist to former/current gambling addict in hopes that something will stick and that someone, anyone would give a crap about him.

It has not worked thus far.

(I will, though, admit to being excited for the inevitable scene when Nikki discovers that David Chow's "heirloom" ring was actually purchased at, like, Claire's.)

But seriously, this jaunt to Mexico for a quickie marriage, complete with oh-so hilarious hijinks regarding the middle seat on a long plane ride (cranky lady! Snoring! Cat! ELL OH ELL) seems like something out of a Brittany Murphy movie.

Now THIS Is a Serious Problem

Lately, I've become increasingly concerned about Dr. Daniel Jonas and Chelsea Brady.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  It's clear to anyone with eyesight, and a sense of shame.  There can be no disagreement about the wrongness involved.  It's just indisputable. 

Right?  It's so obvious:

Their hair is fug.

Rachel Melvin's haircut is one of those that you catch a glimpse of and you think you must have seen it wrong.  Like, obviously she must just have it pulled back in a too-messy bun, or the camera just caught her at a bad angle.

But no.  That's actually it.  What in the effing eff is that effedupedness?!  What are those pieces in the front?  What is the possible logic in that?  Did her stylist say something really offensive halfway through the cut, necessitating a quick escape in a fit of righteous indignation?  Or is this what we have to look forward to now that 98% of women in this country have realized that no, they cannot pull off the Posh bob?

I Know I Called You a Piece of Crap Excuse for a Soap Opera, and All That

I just . . . this show makes me want to do bad things.  Sure, just to certain people, and in retaliation for specific offenses, but isn't that how all organized crime gets started?  It's a slippery slope.

Claudia: Oh, you're in a foul mood, huh?  Looking for trouble?
Sonny: You know, I have not been fair to you.  I know I called you a lying whore, and all that. But hey, you know what?  At least you don't pretend to be anything else.

Your romantic lead, ladies and gentlemen! 

Remember when a well placed "Whore!" or "Bitch!" or "You betrayed me!" used to be the height of soapy goodness?  Was it only the shoulder pads that made those moments fabulous? 

I hate this show.

General Hospital Week in Review

BREAKING AND TOTALLY ORIGINAL NEWS:  Last week Jason Morgan killed someone, allegedly heroically!  Specifically, to protect a poor defenseless woman who was totally dependent upon his ability to blow someone's brains out!

It was groundbreaking television.

I was going to start with a list of the things I liked on GH last week, under the theory that it wouldn't take much space.  But written out the list is kind of lengthy.  What does this mean?  Surely not that the show is improving.  Anyway, stuff I liked:

• Drunk Luke and Anna.  Yes, Anna is being kind of insane about becoming a grandmother, and her constant references to super-spy-dom are a bit tiring, but she is better than 90% of the rest of this show right now.  And Tony Geary and Finola Hughes being goofy together is a little slice of soap heaven.
• Laura Wright's performance as a grieving mother.  I hate Carly, and I swore I wouldn't give the writers any credit for a story kicked off by having a 12-year-old get shot in the head, but Wright is kicking ass in these scenes. 
• Steve Burton's portrayal of a regretful Jason.  Of course, the fact that the writers will not alter Jason's behavior at all as a result of his "revelations" about the violence he brought to Michael's life of course is not part of the "like" column.  If I had a "makes me want to become a hitman so I can kill people for sport" column, it would top that.

Um, The "Madness" Part is Right on the Money...

I regularly receive emails from SOAPNet. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not this is because, as part of my on-going feud with Brian Frons, I like to keep an eye on what my enemies are doing or because I like the thrill of seeing an unread email in my inbox ("FW: htworger? How intriguing!"). So I got one yesterday, reminding me to tune into the premiere of SOAPNet's new ripoff of an E! ripoff of a VH1 show.

Frankly, all it did was serve as a reminder for me to make an actual appointment with an actual therapist to determine why I torment myself by watching ABC Daytime/SOAPNet at all. I'm leaning towards self loathing, but it would be nice to have an expert confirm that for me and perhaps make suggestions of safer alternatives. Like maybe huffing.

I did think that some parts of that email were interesting, in the way that it's interesting when you hear how war was fought in medieval times. Like the fact that they hope readers have a sudden craving for details on "the A-list Drama Mama's latest boy toy" (as if that sentence is actually real and not a hellish group of words cherry picked from Ted Casablanca) and then showcase Minnie Driver (!!!) when you go to their homepage.  Minnie Driver is A-list? This is like when they say Sonny is a good man: just because you repeat something endlessly doesn't make it true. My life would be a lot different if that were the case...

Of course, the most interesting thing of all was that the word "soap" appeared four times, and as part of SOAPNet each of those times. It's like Brian Frons thinks that soap operas have cooties.

I Don't Think These Words Mean What He Thinks They Mean

As is my wont, I've taken to doing all sorts of random things in an effort to avoid watching All My Children (this week: I've gone on a jaunt to HomeGoods to wander the aisles aimlessly; read the titles and episode descriptions of all of the ABC After School Specials--I think my favorite title might be "My Dad Can't Be Crazy...Can He?", although I also love "Just Tipsy, Honey"; rearranged my sandals; played Hearts; got annoyed when the computer beat me at Hearts) because watching AMC is painful to me on a spiritual level, and I think it also might be making me physically ill. I don't think it's allergies that are bothering me, I think it's a sickness stemming from repeated exposure to crap.

I can't even describe it. The last time I was asked about AMC, all I could say was "Ugh..vomit". Not "You know, it's pretty terrible" or "there are some bright spots, but overall the writing is poor". No. Just "Ugh...vomit".

Because there are no bright spots. I mean, of course, Jesse and Angie are fabulous and Yaya is surprisingly good (or at least not overtly terrible...it's entirely possible that this show has set the bar so low that I just think she's good in comparison to others) and I love Zach and Kendall to death in ways that probably push me over the edge into crazytown, but this week alone, I've had to sit through (1)Kendall giddily spending time with KRYSTAL, of all people, while Greenlee and Angie tried on wedding gowns in something that seemed to be a low-budget music video rather than a montage. Remember when Kendall used to hold a grudge so intensely that it was a little bit scary and you were worried that if she wasn't fictional and you happened to meet her and cross her that she'd shank you first and ask questions later? I miss that Kendall. She didn't even try to poison Krystal once during the course of the afternoon! (2) Zach and Greenlee having some sort of crazy bond because of their time spent locked in a bunker together, a bond so amazing that it actually led Zach Slater, who I previously thought was the only rational person in this town, to say the words "Greenlee's what matters. I lost sight of that", like, what the holy hell?! That's not cute, that's not funny, that is just a metric ton of WTF.

So if AMC can ruin things near and dear to my heart, it's obvious that they can wreak havoc with things that are terrible, like Tad's search for Kathy. This? Is why I can't keep food down when I watch this show!

Hazel: And I wish you luck, but there is nothing I can do. That past died with Dr. Madden [who died, remember, after Tad buried him alive and tortured him for weeks--ed.]. I have gotten on with my life.

Tad: Well, I haven't. I can't [lying liar who lies--ed.]. Because my little girl, my Kate, is still out there somewhere.

Hazel: And there's nothing I can do about it.

Tad: I don't believe that, or I wouldn't be here. Hazel, I'm begging you. By now, Kate's nearly six years old. I've been looking for her the entire time [BLATANT EFFING LIE--ed.]. Six years old. I've never seen her, I've never held her, I've never told her I love her. And she's been with me the entire time, because not a day goes by, not an hour, when I don't think about her. You want to talk about loving somebody? My wife used to buy Christmas presents, birthday presents, in hopes of one day we'd be able to give them to her ["But she never thought to, like, google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate. Weird"]. And now Dixie's never going to get that chance, because she passed away about a year and a half ago.

Hazel: I am sorry.

Tad: But when she died, I held her in my arms, and I told her, I promised her, how I'd find our daughter and I would bring her home. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Your old boss has made that very difficult. I am nowhere without you. I'll do anything. Just help me find her. You are the only person on this earth who could give my wife a little peace.

Because, see, no. None of that ever happened, no matter how heartfelt and self righteous Tad is when he talks about his long hard life. The way I remember things going down, Dixie didn't think to Google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate and traveled around Europe instead of asking Tad the PI for help, then Tad killed a man to get information on his daughter before allowing Dixie to stand trial for murder, then upon Dixie's death was like "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again" before promptly forgetting about this search for his child in favor of blackmailing Krystal into marriage and obsessing over every move Adam Chandler makes. I mean, it's possible, I guess, that I've been watching an ENTIRELY different All My Children, but I like to think that if I were going to hallucinate an entire television program that I'd at least hallucinate something high quality.

There Is No Soap God

Last week I had a nightmare that I was at work, naked except for a pair of huge white orthopedic nurse shoes, in a meeting with my ex-boyfriend and his mother that involved a PowerPoint presentation of mathematical formulas.  Somehow, this scenario is even worse:  There is going to be a second season of Night Shift that will start shooting next month and airing in late July.

One the one hand, this is horrible news, because of course Night Shift was -- despite the presence of a good cast [allegedly] led by Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough -- a no good very bad awful terrible crapfest of a show.  On the other hand, this is really horrible news, because now Mallory and I are certain to lose countless hours of our summer recapping this thing.  Now, I know you're thinking, ladies, drop the martyr routine, you don't have to recap this sequel from hell (sequhell?) -- leave well enough alone!  Or, in this case, leave crappy enough alone!  But that's not how we roll.  We are in this for the long haul.  We are committed to closely monitoring this new variation of the soap genre.  We are bighearted enough to take this televisual bullet so that our readers don't have to.  We are . . . really curious if Dr. Julian will get rid of the assy ponytail, whether there will be a serial killer who deflowers a popular young character on a gurney, and whether the writers this year will know what "alternate universe" actually means.  Clearly, we have no choice in the matter.

If you're one of those people who with time has forgotten how awful Night Shift was, and think I'm being too bitchy about there being a second season, well, after the jump is a refresher, in the form of our "recap" of the Night Shift first season finale.  Vitriol does a body good.

Our Column in the 5/13 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too marks our one year anniversary of writing for Soap Opera Digest, and we could not be more thrilled about it.  To be complete cheeseballs for a moment: we are extremely grateful to Stephanie Sloane and Lynn Leahey for giving us this column and allowing us to nitpick to our hearts' content.

The column is in the May 13th issue of Soap Opera Digest, which is on newsstands now and in it, Mallory wonders why All My Children and The Young and the Restless decided that long-lost twins and ghosts were the way to go: whatever happened to just bringing people back from the dead?  Becca admits that she may have been too quick to judge the potential awesomeness of Dr. Jonas and the potential trainwreckishness of a non-dead John Black.

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

It's May-December In the Sense That That's How Long I'll Be Shuddering

In case you haven't been paying attention, viewers (which would be excusable, given Days' pacing of late -- you could take a trip to Antarctica and return to people in Salem having the same conversations), these two are father and daughter:

But these two (remember, Chelsea is Morgan's college classmate, and Daniel easily could have been Paul's!) are a hot romantic couple in the making:

You should not be grossed out by this 21-year-old college student (who was 18 on the show just last year!) and her 40-something doctor getting it on.

No really, apparently this show thinks you shouldn't be. 

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Let's start with the biggest General Hospital news of late, the Daytime Emmy nominations.  Mallory covered the high and low points brilliantly already, so I won't take up much of your time with this.  (Mostly because knowing our readership, if I spend much space discussing GH being held up as one of the four best soaps on the air, there will be widespread cardiac episodes and rage blackouts.  And we need to save those up for when they announce a second season of Night Shift.)

I can actually deal, at least conceptually, with GH being nominated for best show and writing, if they submitted episodes from the Metro Court hostage situation.  Granted, I thought 75% of that storyline sucked, but it was better than almost everything else GH put out the rest of the year, and from what other people say it's better than what lots of other shows aired as well.  So I can get to an okay place with the nominations.  As long as they lose, of course.  If they win, I'll go postal.  But let's cross that horrifying bridge when we get there (and when we have lots of alcohol).

What really bugs me about the GH nominations is that they give the impression that the cast is the problem.  "The show has exceptional writing, directing, and showrunning -- shame about that shitty cast that can't muster more than Tony Geary's [Deserved But Let's Face It Guaranteed Until He Retires Even If He's Onscreen for Ten Minutes a Year] nomination, huh?"  Which is unfortunate because I think GH has a great cast, one that frequently makes terribly written material bearable, even entertaining.  So to sum up, Daytime Emmy voters are even more inept than the people who run ABC Daytime.  Who knew such a thing was possible?

But on with the recappery . . .

And Emmy Season Officially Begins!

There are few things in life that Becca and I enjoy more than the Daytime Emmys, as readers may remember from our 2007 Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza. It's a win-win situation for us, you know? If our favorites are nominated, we get to feel the exciting validation of "Yes! A strange body of voters who are prone to terrible mistakes agree that our favorite person to be named in the prehistoric prenom process should have a one in five chance of being called the year's best! Wooo!" and if they get snubbed, we can get our moral outrage on, all "How dare they not recognize the brilliance of [Insert Snubbed Actor Here]?! As God is my witness, I will never care about shoddily produced awards shows again!"

So between the potential for celebration AND criticism, we're on cloud nine and then if you throw in glorious or fugly fashion AND supermodels being upstaged by Muppets, it's pretty clear that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Um...to sum these nominations up, I only have this to say: ...???...?!?!...???...

(and also: SUCK IT, BRIAN FRONS!)

(But mostly ...???...?!?!...???...)

Outstanding Younger Actor

Van Hansis (Luke, As the World Turns)
Jesse Lee Soffer (ex-Will, As The World Turns)
Darin Brooks (Max, Days of Our Lives)
Tom Pelphrey (ex-Jonathan, Guiding Light)
Bryton McClure (Devon, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Younger Actress

Jennifer Landon (ex-Gwen, As The World Turns)
Rachel Melvin (Chelsea, Days of Our Lives)
Vail Bloom (Heather, The Young and the Restless)
Emily O'Brien (Jana, The Young and the Restless)
Tammin Sursok (Colleen, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actor

Trent Dawson (Henry, As the World Turns)
Daniel Cosgrove (Bill, Guiding Light)
Brian Kerwin (Charlie, One Life to Live)
Kristoff St. John (Neil, The Young and the Restless)
Greg Rikaart (Kevin, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actress

Kelley Hensley (Emily, As The World Turns)
Heather Tom (Katie, The Bold and the Beautiful)
Judi Evens (ex-Adrienne, Days of Our Lives)
Gina Tognoni (Dinah, Guiding Light)
Tracey Bregman (Lauren, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actor

David Canary (Adam/Stuart, All My Children)
Thaao Penghlis (Tony/ex-Andre, Days of Our Lives)
Anthony Geary (Luke, General Hospital)
Peter Bergman (Jack, The Young and the Restless)
Christian Leblanc  (Michael, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actress

Maura West (Carly, As The World Turns)
Crystal Chappell (Olivia, Guiding Light)
Nicole Forester (Cassie, Guiding Light)
Michelle Stafford (Phyllis, The Young and the Restless)
Jeanne Cooper (Katherine, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Daytime Drama

General Hospital
Guiding Light
One Life to Live
The Young and the Restless

Thoughts about the nominees, after the jump! And remember--we don't watch some of the soaps nominated, so I'll only comment on the ones I know. Please feel free to share your thoughts about the nominations for As the World Turns, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light, One Life to Live and Passions in the comments.

The Week's Most "Ooooh, I Get It Now" Dialogue

So, most of you know that I have a healthy affection for Jason Thompson.  Let's pretend it's healthy, okay?  He's gorgeous and seems down-to-earth, and has fantastically natural and engaging chemistry with Kimberly McCullough, and Rick Springfield, and Finola Hughes, and Becky Herbst, and . . . well, with pretty much everyone but Nazanin Boniadi.  (Seriously, Patrick with Leyla was like when Pacey got together with that waitress on Dawson's Creek and suddenly the chemistry cloak was lifted.  I questioned the meaning of life, and even -- gasp! -- the hotness of Josh Jackson for a while after that.) 

Anyway, because of Jason Thompson, I find Patrick to be a great character; a nice departure from the typical daytime hero but just unrealistically adorable enough to fit in on a soap canvas.  Or should I say, as of this week I know that's all because of Jason Thompson.  I don't know why I would have even considered giving any credit to the writers, but apparently at least subconsciously I was, but FauxPatrick has shown me the error of my ways.

I'm not even sure why there is a temporary recast.  There were seemingly weeks on end last year that went by without Patrick onscreen, but now Patrick can't head off to a medical conference for a couple of days so Jason Thompson can take a vacation (if you can even call it that, since he's undoubtedly helping orphans in third-world countries obtain safe drinking water or learn sustainable farming methods)?  I don't get it.  But this Ethan Whoeverperson is good looking, so I can deal.  However.  Ethan Whoeverperson is no Jason Thompson.  And this fact has revealed that Patrick . . . well, Patrick is kind of a dick.

Forgetting Amber Moore

Since this is from the New York Post, I am going to take it with a grain of salt, but several things crossed my mind after reading this gossip item:

JASON Segel may have bared some flab in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but that's not stopping him from pulling the ladies. Segel was hanging out at Bar Marmont in LA last week with "The Young and the Restless" starlet Adrienne Frantz, and they proceeded to make out to the amusement of onlookers. "It didn't look like he'd be forgetting her anytime soon," laughed one spy.

• Forgetting Sarah Marshall was so good, you guys. Jason Segel was awesome, Kristen Bell was charming, Mila Kunis is uber pretty, Russell Brand was hilarious and Paul Rudd played a stoner named Kunu. What could be better than that?
• Why does everything ever written about Forgetting Sarah Marshall have to mention either Jason Segel's full frontal nudity or the fact that he doesn't have washboard abs?
• I really hope that the success of this movie means that people will be interested in Jason Segel and start watching How I Met Your Mother. It saddens me greatly that this show is always on the verge of cancellation but According to Effing Jim gets eight seasons to pollute the airwaves.
• Seriously, According to Jim is the worst thing Courtney Thorne-Smith has ever been a part of and the woman spent years of her life in an onscreen relationship with Billy Shue, who emotes with all the passion of a piece of chalk. Think about the gravity of that sentence.
• Remember when Adrienne Frantz dated the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls?
• Why does the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls have the same haircut as Meg Ryan?
• Between her invitation to the Oscars and the gorge gown that came with it, and making out with a member of the Apatow gang, I am officially jealous of Adrienne Frantz.
• If I made a pledge to stop hating on Amber every time I mention Y&R, do you think Adrienne Frantz would use her Apatow connections to introduce me to James Franco? I have zero integrity when it comes to James Franco, so I would totally make ten posts a week all "DID YOU SEE HOW AWESOME AMBER WAS TODAY? <<<3333Amber<<<333" if she wanted me to.

What Kind of a World Do We Live In?

I am ages behind the times in commenting on this, I realize, but I had to briefly cut AMC out of my life following the scenes where the loathsome Babe berated JR for having the unmitigated gall to share DNA with Adam and not being grateful enough to Tad for giving him whatever humanity he has. I just...I couldn't do it. I wanted to comment on Zach and Kendall, and how overly blah Aidan and Greenlee are and marvel at Erica for being Erica, but I just couldn't acknowledge that AMC existed without going full on apoplectic. Like, Britney attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella kind of apoplectic. I know I'm irrational in my hatred of Babe but...it's one of the only constants in the ever changing world, you know?

Um, anyway, like I was saying, I am the last person in the world to mention this, but: Ambyr Childers is leaving AMC! And I am heartbroken!

For starters, Ambyr Childers and Colby have grown into one of my favorite parts of All My Children, which is way more of a compliment than it seems to be. I could not stand the character at first, and then grudgingly liked her, then thought she was adorable and grew to love her, not even wavering when she became the Careys' #1 cheerleader. That's serious love, you guys! And Ambyr Childers has really become a good actress, and she's adorable, and she has such a sweet rapport with David Canary and Jacob Young. Love her. I hope she does well in whatever she decides to do after AMC.

So they've recasted her with someone named Brianne Moncrief, who is going to be older because...I guess because they are going full throttle with pairing Colby and Frankie? I find this problematic because

(1)If there is a spark between Colby and Frankie, doesn't that have more to do with the actors than it does anything else? I ask because I'm pretty sure that Frankie has no personality to speak of,so it's not like it's the characters that mesh together well (I'm not even going to get into Frankie's oddly shifting age range. Remember when he dated Mia? Remember Mia? It's like Amelia Heinle is contractually obligated to be boring). And I'm sure that they screen tested the new girl with Frankie, but...I don't know, it's just weird that AMC doesn't let couples grow organically and just throws them together all "YOU MUST LOVE THEM!"

(2)I know I complain about this a lot, but aging Colby to early to mid 20s is bizarre, not only because she was actually born in 1999, but there is ALREADY a girl on canvas that age who gets NO STORYLINES EVER despite being gorgeous, charismatic and AWESOME. What will it take to get Chrishell Stause a role beyond being a glorified extra? She's got chemistry with pretty much every person on the show, she's Trevor and Janet's daughter and did I mention how pretty she is? Why couldn't they try her out with Frankie? Why can't they take away one of Babe's many admirers and pair them with Amanda? What does it say about the state of the world today that a gorgeous girl can't catch a break in Hollywood? It's not right, I swear.

*As always, if this whole recast thing works out well and Amanda goes front burner, I reserve the right to pretend like I had never doubted it in the first place

The Yawn and the Restless

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I was going over my to-do list in my head ("What did I wear the past couple of Wednesdays? I don't want to repeat a Wednesday outfit tomorrow" "I need to immediately download Monday's How I Met Your Mother and watch it as many times as possible and maybe even write James Van der Beek a fan letter because WHO KNEW he had it in him?" "What kind of coffee should I get in the morning? Vanilla? Caramel? Mocha?") and I reminded myself that I have to write a Y&R post because I haven't done one in...forever. I've just had such a difficult time writing about it lately. I have been attempting to, but all of my posts boil down to "Why would Cane like Lily? Gloria is uber effing annoying. Peter Bergman is dreamy ex oh ex oh" and those things, while true, aren't exactly groundbreaking pieces of news and if I am going to rail against soap writers for ripping themselves off, I should probably be original myself.

Perhaps it was because Y&R was the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep, but...I totally had a dream about Don Diamont. It was weird. We were seated next to each other at some sort of luncheon and he totally knew how much I talk badly about him and I knew he knew I talk badly about him and I completely felt bad about it and we both thought it was awkward. And then when I woke up, I still felt a little bit bad, because I did focus a lot of my LML era ire on him and also, he has to live with the fact that he sported a mullet for so long. I hope that we can move past that and have a nice working relationship.

So that happened. Which is more than has happened on this show in ages...

It's kind of fitting that Victoria can easily be nicknamed "Vic-bore-ia" or "Vic-snore-ia", isn't it?* Because if there was ever an opportunity for her to get her bitch on, it would be the time where her alleged best friend confesses to having an affair with her father. And yet...she was just kind of...there. A bit shrieky, but mostly just...there. Not to mention hypocritical, since she, you know, married her mother's ex-fiance, but whatever. I was underwhelmed.

I mean, granted, if I found out that my father was romancing one of my friends, I'd be too busy projectile vomiting to lay any sort of smackdown, let alone focus on making it powerful, but I expect more from the Victoria Newmans of the world, especially when one considers how absolutely repulsive the pairing of Sabrina and Victor is. I'm not against the older man/younger woman thing (see above re: Peter Bergman), but this is wrong on almost every level.

Sabrina is a poorly written, poorly acted random character who seems kind of like a drag queen in most of her scenes and way too young for Victor. Like...way. I think Eileen Davidson's Ashley is too young for Victor. Eric Braeden is not an unattractive man, but it just seem ridiculous after a while that he's the lust object of Genoa City. The conspiracy theorist in me likes to think that Eric Braeden pitched a bitch and requested a hot young girlfriend (I meant to comment ages ago on the interview he did where he complained about being sidelined. Double you tee eff? When has Victor EVER been sidelined? He's been the focal point of the show for decades and he always comes out on top). Maybe he's not a diva, but I can't help but think that he is at least a little bit of a jerk. Although he was funny the time he guest starred on The Nanny, not that I watched The Nanny, and he was also in Titanic, so maybe he's not all bad. Where was I?

*I am reasonably sure that I'd have never realized that if Heather Tom were still playing Victoria, and I have to say, I try really hard not to be one of those bitter, people who can't accept recasts after years and years, but...seriously, Amelia Heinle is beyond bland and has completely defanged the formerly formidable Victoria and it makes me sad

General Hospital Week in Review

I think it's important that we're honest with one another, so let me just tell you:  My General Hospital viewing history is spotty.  Over the last 15 years or so, I've abandoned the show numerous times.  Sometimes for real-life reasons, like college or grad school busy-ness, or work obligations.  But mostly I jumped ship when the show either got really offensive, or really boring.  And if it were not for you people, right now I would have an extra hour in my days.  Because DUDE, this show is boring the crap out of me.  And so is Days, so it's like a soapy conspiracy to inflict insomnia on innocent viewers. 

So since you are the reason I am still watching this show (all of this sounded less accusatory in my head, just so you know), I decided to make this Week in Review participatory so that we can share in the fun.   Yeah, fun.  It's totally fun. 

I shall quote Little Richard in this context, both because I have a need to be cheesy and because I'm virtually certain he agrees with the underlying point:  Good Golly Miss Molly, Greg Vaughn is freaking GORGEOUS.  Seriously.  Scruffy and casual

or clean-shaven and formal,

the man is fine.

(Please ignore the awful color and hideous styling of Kelly Monaco's hair that is contaminating that screencap.  Why do they hate her?)

more at twiigs.com...

Days of Our Lives Week in Review: The Recap-iest Version Ever

Apparently Days is trying out this neato new approach to soaps in which absofreakinglutely nothing happens Monday through Thursday, but Friday is a decent enough episode that you'll put up with four days of repetitive boringness just to get to it.  Or, if you're smart, you won't, and you'll just check in here and elsewhere for updates on what you "missed."  Because I really don't think we should reward this kind of plodding soap storytelling with increased viewership, cancellation on the table or not. 

Anyway, I take a few notes throughout the week as I'm watching, and those notes ultimately become Week in Review posts.  This week had exactly one note for the first four days of the week (I'm not over-exaggerating, sadly), so I'm going to try something new.  Since Friday was the only day really worth watching, I thought I'd just recap that ep for you guys.  Mallory and I had lots of fun with the General Hospital: Night Shift recaps, and until something horrible like a second season of that crap becomes a reality sprung from our nightmares, I'm in a bit of recap withdrawal.  We'll see how this goes.

Chelsea apologizes for being late to meet Kate for breakfast at the Brady Pub.  Chels slept through her alarm, girl after my own heart, but says breakfast was still a great idea because she needed to get out of the Kiriakis mansion.  Kate confirms that Victor is still treating Chelsea well but then launches into an uncharacteristically grandmotherly bit about Chelsea looking tired and pale.  Dr. Jonas shows up and scolds Chelsea for not taking care of herself.

Phillip and Nicole discuss their plan, which as Nicole helpfully exposits is "that I spy for you and that in exchange you use your influence with Victor to help me with my divorce settlement."  This is one of the many examples of why you needn't have watched the rest of the week, because it's the beginning to a possibly fun storyline, but 1) at this rate it will take 18 months to come to fruition, and 2) a character will tell you about it, in some detail, on a daily basis -- which you will enjoy if you are stupid, or a fan of James E. Reilly's  oeuvre.   Phillip reveals that the person Nicole will be  spying on is John Black.  Dun dun duuuuunnnnnn.

Cut to John Black,  who is mocking Rolf while talking to the impossibly hot Paul Hollingsworth.  I new he looked familiar, and Mallory was kind enough to point out last week that there is a reason for that:

Paul Hollingsworth is played by the ultra awesome Linden Ashby who (1) was on Y&R as a crazy (2) played Coop on Melrose and (3) has the best name in the history of naming.

I remember very little from the last few years of Melrose Place, which I only spottily watched, but I never completely forget a gorgeous face.  Oh, Linden Ashby.   You're so good-looking you reach that next plateau:  You fine.

Even furrowed, you fine.

Our Broadcast Debut!

We are delighted to announce our radio debut!  On the internet!  Wait, is it still called radio when it's on the internet?  We don't know.  We'll research that later.  For now, we're too busy Eeeeeee!ing. 

At 10pm on May 6th, your very own Serial Drama bloggers will appear on BlogTalkRadio's In the Zone show.

So what is BlogTalkRadio?

BlogTalkRadio is a social talk-radio network that hosts thousands of shows across all topics, including politics, sports, books, business, entertainment, health, paranormal, comedy and religion. Since the company’s 2006 launch, over 50,000 shows have streamed from BlogTalkRadio. The network attracts over 2.3 million listeners each month.

And what is In the Zone?

"In The Zone" is an interactive, live Internet talk-radio show that focuses on entertainment such as soaps, primetime & reality TV, music and more. Since its debut in September 2006, ITZ Radio has become quite popular amongst soap fans. The show airs Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays nights at 10PM/EST for 90 minutes, and the listeners can call in or leave us IMs or e-mail for questions or comments about the show. We send a huge thank you to everyone who listens, submits topics and feedback.

ITZ is currently hosted by Ryan Chandler and Jennifer Snyder.

Previous Guests: Past guests on ITZ include: popular soap columnist Marlena De Lacroix (formerly of SOW), Graham Shiels (Cody, GH/NS), Nadia Bjorlin (Chloe, DAYS), Matthew Florida (ex-Ford, DAYS), soap legend Tristan Rogers (Robert, GH), James Hyde (Sam, PSNS), Carolyn Hennesy (Diane, GH), Kevin J. Ryan (Sean, DAYS), Leslie Charleson (Monica, GH), Yeniffer Behrens (Marianna, GH), Claire Coffee (Nadine, GH), Emmy Winning Soap Writers Peter J. Brash & Tom Casiello, Melissa Claire Egan (Annie, AMC) and Jennifer Landon (ex-Gwen, ATWT).

And why do they think we're worthy of joining that list?

We have no idea.

Please mark your calendars and be on the lookout here for more info about the show, including a call-in number, IM info, and an email address.  We're hoping you guys will tune in.  Otherwise all the callers might end up being a variety of enraged people -- soap costumers, Sonny Corinthos fans, SoapNet executives, Hunter Tylo's plastic surgeon, our ex-boyfriends -- that would cause us to have a crisis of confidence that would drain us of the will to blog.  It's clear what you have to do, readers!

Elephants Wearing Tutus While Performing Surgery and Doing Yoga with Aliens Makes More Sense Than This

I had a less than fantastic day yesterday.  I:

• burned my knuckle on my flat iron (I should not be surprised at how hot that is, right?)
• got a huge sliver in my big toe (Don't ever remodel.  Just move.  Trust me.)
• had chicken for lunch that disagreed with me, as my grandmother used to say

So did I need for SOAPNet to send me a stupid-ass email?  I so did not.

Many of you know that I freaking love a good SOAPNet marathon.  I've been willing to forgive a lot because of those delightful throwbacks to the glory days of soaps.  A LOT.  Night Shift, for god's sake.  (Well, I suppose I haven't really forgiven them for that as much as I made a pact with myself not to commit felonious bodily injury on anyone over it.)   I held out hope that someone associated with the network would wake up in a cold sweat one night with an epiphany -- "Holy crapoli, we've lost our way!  Soap operas are our bread and butter! I'm taking One Tree Hill off the air tomorrow and replacing it with 1980s Santa Barbara!  Also, my boss is a moron!"

But it's really clear that, just as with gas prices, world peace, and Lindsay Lohan's sobriety, optimism doesn't pay.  Because, as Mallory and many of you had already realized, the people who run SOAPNet have lost their mothereffing minds. 

Where to begin?

Celebrity and TV drama and fashion gossip!  Thank god I will finally have somewhere to get that stuff on the internets!  As it is now, there are no websites that provide such information.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

The other day, I emailed Becca and asked how wrong it would be for a hypothetical person to have a hypothetical crush on David Cook (she said that, post-haircut, it would be a 3 on the 1-10 scale of wrongness and, hello, this hypothetical crush would of course happen post-haircut because even hypothetical me is firmly committed to good hair).

And then I felt INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being ashamed of adoring David Cook because, yeah, the hair's kind of borderline and he was kind of lame on Idol Gives Back with the "give back" written on his palm but SERIOUSLY, you guys, I am open with the fact that I watch All My Children and here I am, feeling embarrassed to have a crush on David Cook. That's so cruel of me.

Because AMC is pretty wretched. Sure, there are some good moments that I fully intend to post about in depth: Kendall and Zach being deliciously soapy and heartbreaking; Michael E. Knight struggling valiantly to act opposite Aiden Turner, which I imagine is like talking to an inanimate object; Debbi Morgan looking twenty years younger than she actually is. But in between those few good moments is crap:

Ryan: So, what was the most romantic thing that I ever said to you?

Annie: We were standing on the terrace -- the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars.

Ryan: Wow. Sounds like love to me.

Annie: It did to me, too. It made me relax and believe.

Ryan: Believe?

Annie: That you might be ready for a different kind of woman, not a spitfire like Kendall and Greenlee. I'm kind of the opposite of that in a way.

"..."

(1) The last time it was interesting to watch women fight over Ryan and/or grapple with not feeling good enough for the awesomeness of Ryan, Clinton was president, Geri hadn't yet left The Spice Girls and Gretchen Mol was the next big thing.

(2) Who, in the history of the world, has ever started a conversation with the words "what was the most romantic thing I ever said to you"? That's like saying, "I know there is a long list of times when I was awesome, but if you had to pick the time that I was most awesome, what would it be?"

(3) The fact that somebody wrote down the sentiment "the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars" and forced poor Melissa Claire Egan to speak it seems needlessly cruel. That's disgustingly cheesy, even for Ryan. Precious Moments cheesy. Clay Aiken soundtrack to an Ashley Judd romcom cheesy. Hearing a line like that made Annie relax? Laugh out loud and wonder if Ryan is using power ballads for inspiration, sure, but "relax and believe"? How does this woman share any sort of genetic material with Richie? He may be a psychopath, but at least he's not a doofus.

(4) At least Annie is self aware and knows she's not anything like Kendall and Greenlee. Although in my opinion, the fact that she isn't a spitfire isn't the problem. The fact that she is a charisma vacuum is.

(5) Cameron Mathison and Melissa Claire Egan cannot make this dialogue work, but it's not their fault. Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn couldn't make this dialogue work, although I'd pay cash money to see the two of them playing a couple on a show worthy of their talents. So, um, a show in my imagination, I guess.

I mean, seriously, if you can't be bothered to write good plots or engage in any sort of character development, can't you at least make sure that your day-to-day dialogue isn't shit?

General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review

Last week, my dog somehow injured his paw and I came home to him limping and holding up his front leg in the most pathetic and heart-tugging manner.  Long ($450) story short, his discharge instructions from the emergency vet said that he came into the clinic "suffering from acute lameness."  When I read that I was all "OMG, just like General Hospital!!!"  Thank god I didn't say it out loud.  At least I think I didn't.  I don't know.  This show makes me do crazy things, you guys. 

I haven't blogged about this mess in a couple of weeks, so rest assured there is lots of acute lameness ahead.  The show, not my blogging.  Or, well...no promises.

Obviously the biggest twist since I last annoyed you with my GH musings is Ian shooting Michael.  To be honest, my combination of cold dead heart + dislike of Michael Corinthos = wouldn't really have objected to the Michael-gets-shot storyline.  I wouldn't have loved it, mind you, but I probably wouldn't have been all up in arms and ranty like I sometimes get.  But Bob Guza's "explanation" for the storyline is so appalling, so outrageously out of touch with decency, that I am now going to hate it -- and him! -- with a dedication I've heretofore reserved for certain politicians and Louis Vuitton logo bags. 

I cannot in any way improve upon Mallory's awesome dissection of Guza's assiness, so I won't try.  I will point out that her brilliant post has gone on to become the most commented-on in Serial Drama's history.  The post and comments have me a little concerned, though...do I understand that you all have a few somewhat negative feelings about this soap opera?  You really should express them!  I had no idea.

Let's start off in familiar territory:  Back in mobville, Sonny continues his quest to extend his Duh Face of the Year title.

I feel like we need to better publicize his vast repetoire of duh.  It's becoming legendary!  I smell a future tribute post.

Jack and Jennifer Would Be Appalled

The Fug Girls rightly fugged Ashley Benson, who used to play Abby on Days.  I am 1) really concerned about the 1/3 of readers who think that dress is okay, and 2) completely speechless at what a dead ringer she is for Taylor Momsen (Jenny from Gossip Girl) and how I never realized it until now.  (BTW, what's more disturbing about Taylor Momsen, that she is only 14 or that she was the little girl in the Grinch movie?  It's a close call.)

Also, on the topic of horrible soap fashions, the Daytime Emmys and our Second Annual Live-Blogging Extravaganza are less than a couple of months away.  Woooo!  Well, I'm looking forward to it.  What if there's another sarong?  Bliss.