Have you ever wondered about those who devote their lives to mocking and loving soap operas (in that order)? Well, wonder no more...
MALLORY HARLEN* (aka PROMISING INGÉNUE)
Mallory Harlen was introduced to soap operas by her awesome aunts Lisa and Jodi, and has been watching All My Children, Days of Our Lives, General Hospital and The Young and the Restless with varying degrees of attention and fondness since middle school. So...half of her life. Terrifying!
Her likes include alphabetical order, baseball, Bravo reality shows, Clueless and similarly clever teen movies, Diet Coke, The Golden Girls, handbags, Leonardo DiCaprio, Madonna, magazines, making lists, museums, reading, seafood, Sephora, Starbucks, The Beatles, Tina Fey, Trivial Pursuit, Twizzlers, The Wizard of Oz and Young Adult literature. Her dislikes include basketball (playing and watching), Bic Pens, Chad Michael Murray, citrus fruits, clowns, fax machines, movies where children are evil, ponchos, slow talkers, slow walkers, the way the world is biased against left-handed people, whipped cream and white chocolate.
Louise started watching the ABC soaps back in 1985 when Tracy James and Stick planted a bomb in Llanview that ended up killing only themselves. She knew she was hooked for life when Tina, Viki, and Dorian discovered the letters Victor Lord left for each of them in Llanfair’s secret room (one of many). She generally gets out of trouble at work by insisting that she has D.I.D., but recognizes it’s harder to pull off when you don’t have a name that easily rhymes with several other names. At varying stretches of time she has been a viewer of One Life to Live, General Hospital, All My Children, The Bold & the Beautiful, Santa Barbara, Loving, Generations, with occasional check-ins to Days of Our Lives and The Young & the Restless and any number of streaming soaps.
Her likes include long-distance trains, big cities, dogs (especially boxers), baseball, Kate & Allie reruns, conveniently timed bouts of amnesia, fried tofu, scary movies, hair metal anthems, summer camp, really funny plays with no intermission, the B train, triple weddings, VH1 dating shows, mockumentaries, and ale. Dislikes include tourists who stand blocking intersections and take 10 minutes to make a decision, winter, golf, camping, Michael Vick, mobsters and their hitmen, pretentious people, tapered pants, and the smell of cat litter.
BECCA THOMAS* (aka EVIL BUT TWINLESS)
Becca Thomas may or may not be the real life name of the blogger formerly known as Evil But Twinless, who may or may not be a professional type in her thirties in a big eastern city. She can decisively confirm that she watches (or watched, depending on what phase you catch her in) Days of our Lives religiously back when it was great in the mid-80s to early-90s, and spottily since, and was sucked into General Hospital when it was great in the early- to mid-90s, suffering on-and-off through Sonny-worship in the loooong years that followed. She had to watch both every day when she was a soap blogger/columnist, and that kind of commitment was terrifying. So instead she went and got married and got busy with a bunch of other professional stuff that required extensive daily attention, leading to her retirement from the blog and SOD column. Logical consistency is her strong suit.
Her likes include islands, skiing, reading, The Daily Show, burritos, formulaic romantic comedies, wood-burning fireplaces, criticizing stuff, cheesy teen TV dramas, dishwashers, Thai iced tea, black and white photos, tulips, boats, big dogs, baseball, won tons, cashmere, TiVo, roller coasters, swimming, George Clooney, reality shows that involve dancing, and boots. Dislikes include puns, cruise ships, cauliflower, sleet, shoes with ankle straps, science fiction, management-speak, taking soap operas too seriously, gauchos, fireplaces that turn on with a light switch, gardening, people who say "hang in there," sunburns, Mel Gibson, and dogs in purses.