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« Naughty Girls Need Love, Too...Or Do They? | Main | Let's Do The Time Warp Again »

August 04, 2006

Donna Martin Nauseates

On SoapNet, they repeatedly air a commercial for Beverly Hills 90210 during pretty much every commercial break that talks about the many hairstyles of Donna Martin. It goes something like

Her high school hair was long and blonde. Her sorority hair was short and platinum. As a career woman, she's painting the town red

Nowhere in the commercial do they state that Tori Spelling got horrifically ugly with each hairstyle. Unless they thought it was patently obvious and didn't need to be mentioned.

When 90210 first premiered, I figured that Donna would be my favorite character. I wasn't allowed to watch the show because it was "too racy for a seven year old" (what Puritans I lived with! I also wasn't allowed to listen to New Kids on the Block), so I got all of my scoop from Teen Bob magazines borrowed from friends and I found out that Tori Spelling had my birthday and was exactly ten years older than me. Awesome! She also seemed normal looking from the pictures in the magazines which featured trick photography or her face obscured by Blossom hats, big hair and/or sunglasses, like so:

But as I matured, I grew more aware of the lies Hollywood was selling me, like how Tori didn't get the part of Donna handed to her, despite being the producer's daughter; no, she auditioned under a stage name and got the role! How fortuitous! I don't think "Bitch, please" was in the vernacular at the time, but I know I thought whatever the mid-1990s version of that phrase was.

Ms. Spelling is naturally curly-haired, and before every household in America had a flat-iron, straightening curly hair was tricky, which is why the long, blonde high school hair looks like it hurts. But when she cut it, it didn't get any better and emphasized her...um, unique facial features:

(Before you're all like "But that's a bad angle and expression!", please keep reading and understand that that's one of the more flattering ones)

Apparently, Donna was given a trip to a salon for her gradution present, because she went to college with a short, peroxide 'do

The salon also covers extensive elective surgery from the looks of it, because her entire face is different. The nose is, dare I say, Michael Jackson like, and her cheekbones are frightening.

I also encourage you not to look at the enormous cavern in between her breasts because once you do, you will not be able to stop. Honestly, what is that? Did she have her implants done in a back alley somewhere?

She also began to drop massive amounts of weight, which led to her being a 105 pound nag. Honestly, she nagged everybody, ever, about everything and NOT ONE of them--not the allegedly badass Valerie, not perma bitchfaced Clare, not even Steve (yes, the same Steve who started balding in the second season)--ever said "Why should I listen to you anyway? You're just a virgin who can't go out in public lest children run screaming in the other direction".

Hilariously, it is at this point in fug that Donna was swept off her feet by the hot fireman Cliff, now playing Lucky on General Hospital, who saved her when she and a deer fell down a hill during a fire. That sentence is no more ridiculous than the idea that someone who looks like Cliff would like Donna on a physical level

?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'd have an easier time believing him, and a far easier time respecting him, if it had turned out that he was trying to get his freak on with the deer.

She then dyed her hair red and it looked sort of awful short. She went through a period of time when she would scrunch it, and it was so awful that no pictures of it exist; the internet was kind enough to sacrifice all physical evidence of it so that we can keep our sight.

Brian Austin Green hates himself so much in that photo, and I am sure that he needed workers comp to deal with injuries sustained while hugging Tori's rock hard implants.

I have no words to describe that. Whatever that may be. I just...no. As the show ended, David and Donna got married and she actually was able to pass for a human being. Coincidence? I don't think so.

The saddest thing is that none of the above photos even come close to rivalling the horror of Tori Spelling's current look, which works well with her evil skank personality.

-Promising Ingénue

Comments

Oh god, you are so right. Poor girl, to have all those opportunities and millions and be so freaking scary! If she was average, daddy's money and stylists would make her attractive. But she looks like freaking alien.

Along with her annoying hair changes, have you noticed how she starts whispering in all of the episodes for the final few years. For years, she talks in a normal tone of voice. Then, around the time that Noah shows up, she can't seem to raise her voice above a loud whisper -- I guess she thought it was sexy, but it just sounds stupid!!

I dare say in picture number four she looks like Nancy Grace!

This is kinda sad to me...She has always been a favorite character - and I think the re-runs on SoapNet are great. Even with her "imperfections" - I think she does a good job, and I'm glad that not everyone on television - and in this show specifically, is representing America's vision (and expectation) of perfection. That, to me, is part of her charm.

She had the best body in the old episodes when they were in high school. She was always prancing around in tight short things, while Brenda and Kelly were pumped up in big bold jackets and jumpers.

Donna oh how I hate the the costumes you wore your learning dissability that sound you'd make (hmm) is what it sounded like her eyes her jaw her abortion of a tit job god I hate you Donna I was watching the episode where she gives the athlete Danny a makeover and makes her hair in pigtails and is asking Kelly what's wrong god I hate her can anyone recomend a web page where it's nothing but reasons we hate that bitch

I hate the character, but I don't hate the person...well, not any more than I hate the Kardashians, but that's another story. Truth to tell, I don't know Tori, she may be a wonderful person...(don't think so, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt). But everything about Donna Martin the character (the way she dressed, the way she talked, her high-priestess of virginity act, her prissy little barettes and her little shoes with the bows and the peekaboo toes) made me want to yack! I guess her father wanted her to portray a prim, pure role model for the tweenie boppers in the audience. Even if the character herself was credible (which she wasn't), Tori never quite pulled it off.

Donna *singing and dancing in skimpy clothes and whorish makeup* "I'm not a slut...I do everything but...

Donna Martin masturbates! Donna Martin masturbates!

Fast Eddie: If you create the webpage I'll moderate it!

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