I Love the Smell of Commercialism In The Afternoon
Overtly lame, unbelievable and stilted pieces of dialogue are no stranger to General Hospital, where Emily Quartermaine has asked Sonny to "bang" her and the adorability of Robin and Patrick is ruined with long, PSAs about AIDS and HIV.
So I shouldn't be surprised by the blatant ABC Corporate whoring during episodes, but I still am.
I just don't know which is worse: Epiphany and Random Day Player talking about Monday Night Football yesterday
Man: Well, the cowboys and the giants are on "monday night football."
Woman: Oh, I'm a huge fan, and I think our baby will be, too. Right, honey?
Epiphany: You can get espn on that thing?
Woman: Mm-hmm. Clear as a bell.
Epiphany: Well, it's going to be a great game.
Or Carly mourning Courtney's love of fashion and celebrities after she perished in the monkey virus epidemic
Carly: Then you're reminded all over again that they're gone, yeah. That must happen to me 10 times a day. You know, this morning there was a commercial for the Oscars coming on this Sunday on ABC, and I reached over to grab the phone to call Courtney and invite her over. I thought we could pop popcorn and we could just sit back and critique all the dresses and, man, it was going to be so much fun, and then I realized that Courtney's gone. She's gone.
I know, I know. Evil But Twinless has been so wonderfully optimistic lately and here I am all harshing on the world's mellow. I'm trying, I really am. That's why I haven't mentioned All My Children or The Young and the Restless in a while! I'm trying to think good thoughts instead.
I did love the chilling way yesterday's GH ended with cold as freaking ice Alexis letting her inner Cassadine shine through to give her punk ass husband the what for:
Ric: You know what? I'm not going to continually take flak for not being the one who's close to you, ok, because the fact of the matter is that you don't want anybody close to you. You're going to do everything, you're going to make every excuse in the world to not have me close to you--you're going to use the girls, you'll use work, you'll even use your cancer. So why don't you just come out and say it, Alexis? You can't stand the sight of me.
Alexis: I can't.
Ric: Right, because I'm not Sonny. Because every time you look at me, you see the one that got away, right, and somehow that's my fault?
Alexis: Every time I look at you, I see you having sex with my daughter
COLD AS FREAKING ICE!
And the countdown to Laura Webber Baldwin Spencer's return continues. I, for one, have taken excitement to a whole new level and just cannot wait. I am mostly excited to see how Julie Marie Berman (who is FAB) interacts with Genie Francis, since this is the best piece of soaps casting since Alicia Minshew was given the part of Susan Lucci's daughter. And I want to see Laura work her Mommy magic with all of her screwed up kids, and I want a lot of Luke&Laura4EVAH and I want them to unlock Denise Alexander from whatever basement they are keeping her in, and I want FLASHBACKS and I basically want everything I haven't gotten from the return of Robert Scorpio.
And! And! The promos are giving me hope. And goosebumps.
And a word to the wise: don't try to look up Luke and Laura clips if you don't want to spend eighty hours watching them all giddy and sniffly. Their honeymoon. Wyndham's. The brilliant Lullabye montage.
And! A SoapNet Marathon November 24th!! Eeeee! Welcome home, Genie, even if it's only for a minute!
*Transcripts courtesy of the GH section of TV Megasite