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« I Love the Smell of Commercialism In The Afternoon | Main | Do You Really Want to Hurt Me? Do You Really Want to Make Me Cry? »

October 26, 2006

It's the Story of a Clan Named Brady

I've come to the conclusion that my heart will invariably be broken by people named Brady. The Brady Bunch was ruined for me through a combination of its inherent lameness and the fact that Florence Henderson is a beyotch in real life (see: The Surreal Life). Tom Brady continues to test the limits of my heart by dating such skanks as Tara Reid and Bridget Moynahan.

And then there's the Brady family of Salem, USA, who drove me to absolute distraction while watching Days today because, really, I think that the amount of self righteous in that family is enough to power the rabid conservative branch of the eastern seaboard.

Like, the other day, when Marlena (not a Brady by birth, but she counts) called her daughter a wench? What the hell? First of all, I did not even know that people used the word wench anymore, but then I remembered that it's probably a four letter word for Marlena's generation (the 90+ set). And who calls their daughter a wench? An evil brat, sure. A sociopath, most definitely. But a wench?

And furthermore, Dr. Marlena "Doc" Evans, maybe if you weren't the world's shittiest psychiatrist, your daughter wouldn't be such a demented freak. How do you even still have a license?! You're kidnapped and/or gravely injured ten months out of the year, and your eldest daughter is a menace to society.

Then there was the hilarious wedding of Carrie and Austin (and--wait for it!--the surprise appearance by John and Marlena, also getting married). In white. Now, perhaps it is just me, and I may be old-fashioned, but I don't think a white frilly dress is appropriate to wear to your third wedding, considering that you cheated on your husband on your honeymoon with his brother/the man you are marrying now and ALSO the man you were once married to who you cheated on.

And what about Roman in regards to his daughter's wedding? "It's about damn time". WHAT? She just got married to someone else like two days ago! I know your brain is addled from the fact that you were once Chris Kositchek and have also died and been resurrected multiple times as both Roman Brady and Jack McKay, but damn.

Now, I know that Sami has done a lot wrong and that her family should be miffed at her, but wasn't it ice cold for Marlena not to invite her to her wedding? That reeks of heinous bitch to me. So she blackmailed and ruined her sister's love life. Whatevs. Some people go golfing, Sami causes complete chaos with no remorse. It's a hobby. Hell, Sonny Corinthos does worse every day and the entire cast of General Hospital is programmed to be all, "What a brave man! He's a good man!". If Sami were on GH, she'd probably be mayor.

Then there was Austin's "smackdown" of Sami, threatening to throw her out on her ass. It was supposed to be heartfelt and scary, but he said it with a blank face and in a monotone and I'd have an easier time being intimidated by Austin if I could see him recite the alphabet with his eyes closed so I'd know he wasn't reading off of cue cards.

And, okay, I am vehemently anti-Billie/Steve (like, vehemently. If I didn't like Julie Pinson so much, I probably would have become stalkerish by now), but Caroline was straight bitch to her at the hospital. I know she was legitimately worried that her daughter was dying, but she treated Billie like dirt on the bottom of her shoe, which I'd find a lot easier to take coming from a woman who hasn't yet carved her face into a fright mask.* And like Caroline is the world's perfect woman? Ho, please.

Bo and Kayla are the only Bradys who don't totally suck at the moment. In fact, they sort of actively rule at the moment. Bo's obsession with nailing Patrick (not in that way) is hilarious to me, especially since he's the only person with a lick of sense on the matter. And what was with Abe saying Bo can't do anything because it's not personal? Is his obsession with Tek not personal? Shut up, Abe.

*I actually think Billie did deserve it, but I'm pissed that Peggy McOMGSCARY gets screentime with that visage.

-Promising Ingénue

Comments

So word! I love your bit if Sami lived at GH, she'd probably be mayor!

With Billie at the hospital (why was she called? She's known Steve for like 4 hours. Could they not reach his mom?), she makes the comment about them looking like they belong together. I am the biggest S/K fan ever, but them lying in comas next to each other doens't make them a perfect match. It's like going to a cementary and declaring that a couple lying besides each other obviously were DESTINED for each other.

About Caroline's appearance...she really is going after the Gloria Swanson look isn't she?

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