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« Am I Taking Crazy Pills? | Main | I've Got a Big, Juicy, Dramatic Secret! Oh, My Bad, I Totally Don't. »

October 13, 2006

Pine Valley Pen Pals

Dear Colby, I love you. No, really. Yes, I'm just as shocked as you that I have these feelings. It seems like mere hours ago I was hating you and cursing your creative way of reading your lines and marveling at the fact that you actually appear onscreen with such a horrible dye job and Wet'n'Wild makeup.

Seriously, what is that about? You're the richest girl in town and you always look so wrong side of the tracks. Anyway, we can talk clothes another time. Right now, I just want to thank you for being one of the only people on earth to see through the hillbilly hobags who have taken over Pine Valley. I knew you bordered on awesome when you accused Josh Madden of seducing you so you could stick it to Babe, but it became love when you said

I don't care how deep Krystal's got her press-on nails hooked into my dad. There's no way I'm having fried baloney and squeeze cheese for my Thanksgiving dinner.

That is just---it's poetry. Brilliantly descriptive and hilariously scathing. Move over, Jonathan Swift!

Because they are trashy. And they're also EVIL AND IMMORAL AND SKANKY. I mean, they're all up in your face, angry that you falsely accused a man of statutory rape? Sure, that's bad, but they are CRIMINALS.

So here's a handy dandy list of comebacks for whatever southern tinged illogical hate they pour on you. Think of it as a Cliff's Notes written by people who refuse to forgive and forget.

THE CAREYS: How dare you accuse an innocent man of seducing you?!
YOU: Remember that time that you lied to Bianca that her baby died and you had her baby the whole time and let her go insane with grief?

THE CAREYS: You're such a spoiled witch, letting people think you died! Your father almost died of grief!
YOU: So you don't remember when you let Bianca think Miranda died? What about when you told JR that his son was dead? Or when you kidnapped Ace Buchanan?

THE CAREYS: You know, your father wouldn't be too happy knowing that you slept with Sean Montgomery...
YOU: Hey, Babe, remember when you didn't know if the father of your baby was your husband JR, his brother Jamie or your other husband Paul that nobody knew about? Good times. And Krystal, what about your baby? Do you know who the daddy is? Because it could be Tad Martin... Isn't it easy?

No matter what they say to you, you always can manage to get the upper hand. Unless you start stealing babies, falsifying paternity tests, and sleeping with anonymous men, of course. Please don't do that. And please do something about that hair. Then we can be BFF and have slumber parties where we talk smack and drink too much.



Promising Ingénue

-Promising Ingénue


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