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« Stop Me If You've Heard This One | Main | Jumpin' Jack Flash »

December 16, 2006

My Shows Are Broken

I don't watch One Life to Live, but I've heard that it pretty much sucks right now, which means that there is a heinous epidemic sweeping through ABC Daytime that makes all of their shows completely unwatchable.

I am pretty sure that it basically comes down to Brian Frons, the head of ABC Daytime, being inept, but I can't help but wonder if there is something more sinister lurking underneath the surface, something like head writers and executive producers trying to ruin their shows and drive people mad. Oh, you call me a conspiracy theorist, but please, Jill Farren Phelps already has one murder under her belt: she killed Lila Quartermaine! In a way! These people will stop at nothing!

There is simply no other explanation for some of the crap that happens on these shows. I can so clearly see the IM conversations about how they can rewrite history in the most ludicrous and offensive ways.

guzaistheman: So then I decided to make Lulu have an abortion--

mctavishluvsbabe: And have the fetus implanted into Laura, so she could give birth to her own grandchild?

guzaistheman: No, but that's a really great idea! I'll keep it in mind for sweeps.

mctavishluvsbabe: I had a murderer move into the family home of one of his murder victims.

guzaistheman: OMG!

mctavishluvsbabe: And I'm working on another "Hide the paternity" story. This time we have Krystal lying to Adam that the baby is his and that if he hurts her or her daughter for her daughter cheating on his son, she'll take the baby that she actually conceived while cheating on him and run away.

guzaistheman: That's brilliant.

mctavishluvsbabe: And to make it even better, Krystal is a convicted babynapper who has already done prison time for lying about the paternity of two different babies.

guzaistheman: !!!

guzaistheman: That's almost as good as the fact that my favorite character repeatedly shoots at police and gets off Scot free every single time. He's never done jail time and all the hot bitches want him

mctavishluvsbabe: LOL

I mean HONESTLY. Just because Jason didn't actually kill any of the cops he shot at doesn't make it okay for him to shoot at cops. If I set fire to a house that people were going to sell, would I get out of jail because they obviously didn't want it anyway?

And then there is the heartwarming story of Babe and Aborted Fetus on AMC. I have to say that these two are made for each other, because only true soulmates could have such a dumbass conversation:

Babe: I--I came up here about the time that Erin must've died. When the sun was going down, I--guess I just wanted to be with her. It's kind of weird, huh?

Josh: I planted myself in a coffin to deal with death.

What the fuck, seriously? That doesn't make Babe normal, it makes you both at least two thirds mentally defective.

Josh: Babe? You and I making love here did not knock the world off its axis.

?!?! I don't think you get to call "having sex in a kiddie pool on a roof" making love. You get to call it perverse and stupid, though.

That's not to say that GH and AMC don't have any bright spots, because they sort of do:

1. Patrick and Robin on GH. They are too adorable and their chemistry is out of this world. If they aren't already a couple offscreen, they will be soon.

2. Colby on AMC being awesome. Sure, she still makes Cameron Mathison look on par with the talent of David Canary, but she's been great lately. She's JR's only champion in the world and her white hot hatred of the Careys brings a tear to my eye. Her obsession with screwing over Babe and Josh is hilarious--sneaking into Josh's room to put a camera in there and writhing around on the bed was the most intentionally funny thing I've seen on the show in years.

3. Maxie on GH being a balls out skank. Love it. I didn't think I'd ever enjoy anything Kirsten Storms did, but the fact that she lost the fauxhawk femullet is so a step in the right direction; she actually looks like the REAL Felicia, Kristina Wagner (COME BACK! COME BACK!). I appreciate a straight up home wrecker with no morals, the kind of ho who will wear a pillow and pass it off as a baby and crash your parents wedding. It makes me think of early Carly and I am kind of loving it.

But I know that all of that will be ruined all too soon. So to make myself feel better, I am going to go catch up on Days and Y&R. It's still so foreign to me that I will watch DOOL to compare favorably to other shows...

-Promising Ingénue


I wish you'd turn loose your genius sarcasm on ATWT. It *really* deserves it. Talk about a broken show.

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