New Leaves Turned Over in Salem and Port Charles, or So We Hope
As Promising Ingénue ably demonstrates, the turning over of a new year is a great time to look back on the good and bad that occurred over the last twelve months. But the dawn of a new year is also about looking ahead - specifically, making resolutions that are almost never kept and are often forgotten entirely by the time Presidents' Day rolls around. With a holiday spirit of optimism, however, we decided to give some daytime characters, and the real people behind the soaps (or "real" as the case may be, lest real be confused with genuine in the case of those associated with GH) some ideas for New Year's Resolutions. I'll tackle Days and General Hospital, because it's appropriate to balance some of the best with some of the worst (and also because they're the only two soaps I watch, but let's not get bogged down in details).
I will become a totally different person, and will not, as seems to be likely
given my previous romantic progressions, start to date my daughter Christina's
friends when she is inevitably SORAS'd
to 18 this year. I will also not throw stuff, have people killed, sabotage my
exes' relationships, manipulate everyone in town, provide unsolicited advice
about how people should live their lives, or wear tracksuits. I realize this
may require heavy medication and possibly a brain transplant.
I will be shirtless far more often and in
general will take every opportunity to get nearly naked. It goes without saying
that on those few occasions on which I absolutely must be clothed, I will
continue to be dreamily angsty.
We will stop being invisible.
The Scorpio Family, GH
I will stop moaning, gasping, and
faux-orgasming every time someone says something surprising, "sexy,"
provocative, or disturbing. I will also not be kidnapped, at least for a couple
I will enjoy the bit of a turnaround my life has
taken and will appreciate not being a social pariah 24-7, but will keep my bad
girl side because without it I'm my sister Carrie, and nobody wants that, not
even my possible future husband who used to be married to her or my former
fiancé who also used to be married to her. Also, that reminds me, I will stop
getting involved with men who used to schtupp my sister.
I will continue to look dreamy and will find a way not to be the sociopath it currently looks like I am turning into. Also, I will be shirtless far more often and in general will take every opportunity to get nearly naked.
We will stop being so boring that
we make televised bowling seem scintillating.
Georgie and Dillon, GH
I will stop mooning over Max, who seriously isn't even cute or charming enough to warrant it (and who is also the brother of the guy who used to sleep with my mom, EW), and will get involved in a grown-up relationship worthy of my lineage.
We will continue to kick ass and will orchestrate a coup in cooperation with the Quartermaines and the Scorpios in which we push the mob out of Port Charles.
The Spencer Family, GH
Related resolution: I will wake up, thanks to R2-D2 or whatever the hell stupid drug temporarily woke me up this year, only this time it will be permanent and I will kick some ass and become the matriarch and believable heroine this town so desperately needs. - Laura Spencer
We will disappear off the canvas to
make room for truly interesting characters.
The Lockhart Family, Days
I will stop being such a damned freaky child.
I will continue to recreate my delicious villian-iness of the late 1980s, and I will under no circumstances shave my mustache.
I will limit my crying to once a month, and will at least try to vary the things I weep over to extend beyond Jason. Oh, and I'll try not to screw my mother's husband, AGAIN, which will hopefully help with the cutting down on crying thing.
I will not impregnate any more women until I stop killing people for a living. I will stop worshipping Sonny. I...[internal circuits hacked by Evil But Twinless]...will be shirtless far more often and in general will take every opportunity to get nearly naked.
I will stop wearing such fucked up outfits. Plus I will stop monogramming my bras, because honestly, who does that?
I will go at least six months without getting engaged or married, and I will not let Sonny manipulate me into doing stupid stuff.
Carly, GH [Ed. note: Obvious preposterousness of this resolution is duly noted.]
We will continue to be the best
characters ever, and will avoid the supercouple curse of getting boring.
Steve and Kayla, Days
Related resolution: I will keep writing the best soap actor blog around and will further demonstrate that I appear to be even cooler than my character. - Stephen Nichols
I will reveal that I am a superhero, endowed with the odd but useful ability to
turn around a sinking - perhaps sunken - ship of a show in a matter of months.
And I will also find a way to get my brother Craig on the show as a long-lost
Brady brother, because come on, it can't be worse than One Tree Hill. At
some point I’ll also develop a strong, hot, young-ish male lead who is not a
criminal. I will treat him much better than the morons over at General
Hospital treat that guy who plays Jax.
Hogan Sheffer, Days' head writer
I will stop being an idiotic hack and will get Genie Francis back full-time as Laura, so that all can start to be right in the GH world.
Jill Farren Phelps, GH's executive producer
We will get new jobs, far away from the world of daytime TV.
Everyone in charge of ABC daytime and in particular those who write for or "run" General Hospital (yes, we're looking at you, Bob Guza)
Related resolution: We will take some friendly advice to heart. - New GH Showrunners
Happy New Year, everyone! Don't fake being pregnant to try to trap a married man, or sleep with your mother's husband! Other than that, the field for 2007 is pretty much wide open.
-Evil But Twinless