I got so caught up in the excitement of the Golden Globes yesterday (yay Jennifer Hudson! Boo Forest Whitaker for stealing Leo's awards!) that I forgot to type my weekly mantra: All My Children sucks!
This is what happened on today's episode. Please bear in mind that I have not yet watched it or read any recaps. It is just something that I know.
Kendall ignored the fact that she is Mrs. Zach Slater and instead obsessed over her abusive ex-fiancé who, in turn, continued to be besotted with a woman sporting grotesque lips. Zach kept a secret from Kendall. Jonathan raged about how wrong it is that his sister was killed. Tad judged people. Despite telling people that she is devoted to making her marriage work, Babe and Josh had a quickie in the Fusion bathroom. Nancy Grace wept when she realized someone coined the term "Satin Slayer" before she had a chance. Colby continued to be the voice of reason in Pine Valley. Adam wore a Cosby sweater and walked around the Chandler mansion afraid of his own shadow. Erica acted like an imbecile in a revealing dress. Zarf was.
I guess I should probably talk about Zarf/Zoe. I kept hoping that if I ignored this "storyline" that it would go away. I was wrong. I am going to keep this as brief as I am capable of ever being, because it hurts to discuss. Basically, I hate everything about it: the name Zarf, the way he came into town spouting stupid cliches about auras, the fact that it is so totally a way for Bianca to have a relationship with someone portrayed by a male actor, the way that Babe is the only person in town who is good and pure and open minded enough to accept Zoe. But most of all, I hate the way that Jeffrey Carlson is playing Zarf.
If you were lucky enough to miss it when it aired, here is a clip that is seared into my memory, often rendering me speechless and afraid to go out into the world, lest I fall sobbing at a stranger's feet, asking "Whyyy? Why is Zarf?"
The entire thing is just so...bizarre. Who on earth is directing him to act like that? He's so over the top! Even, like, Martin Short would be all, "Maybe you should take it down a notch or seven". Who wrote the line "I HAVE A PENIS?" and do they still have a job? If so, why? Please help me understand.
People, there is an aborted fetus in the background of that scene and for the first time in his unaborted life, he is not the most ridiculous character there.
I would also like to know why the tunnels at the Chandler mansion are suddenly the hip new hangout. I mean, if you are going to have assorted people walking in them, can we at least see them bump into Stuart or something? Stuart rules.
*So, so totally kidding
- Promising Ingénue