Complete and Utter Hideosity
TRUE or FALSE? The budget crisis at General Hospital is so severe that in order to afford gargantuan salaries, all mirrors and other reflective surfaces were sold on ebay.
Okay, so it's probably false, but it's the most logical explanation I could come up with. Unless there was a zany mixup with students at a school from the blind reporting for field experience meant for cosmetology students! That's an idea so wacky that I should make sure Fox doesn't steal it from me.
It seems to me that when the acting, writing and producing values at GH fell by the wayside, hair/makeup/wardrobe were left wondering why they should bother doing a good job, since their co-workers could churn out crap and bring home big paychecks, so they, too, just stopped caring. Or maybe they care and are just actively trying to make these people look horrifically ugly. I don't know. But there is some serious ugly floating around Port Charles.
What is that? Is it a ginormous bathrobe? Is it a rug? Is it a poncho? Is the "coffee importing" market in such a decline that one is forced to buy discontinued merchandise from Wal Mart? I find it, as I do so many facets of Sonny Coritnthos, to be absolutely repulsive. Is he planning on forcing Carly to marry him by trapping her in his enormous ugly coat? They could probably both fit in there with Michael and Morgan, too.
I know college professors, especially young ones, aren't pulling in obscenely high salaries, but soap and water are two commodities available to all, regardless of income. Why does Professor Pete always look like he smells of old bourbon, stale cigarettes and general funk? Why would Patrick be friends with him? How could Georgie manage to sit near him for more than ten seconds?
There comes a point in time when a plastic surgeon needs to be jailed for inflicting something horrible on a person. What ever happened to "first do no harm"? This facelift/chemical peel fiasco is harm! She may be alive, but is it worth it if you need to live life with that face? Do small children run away from her? What is it like to look in the mirror? Is her face too tight to even gasp in horror at her own visage?
There are times over the course of a GH episode that I am feeling even more unkind and unpleasant than I am usually feeling, and in those times, I sincerely wonder if the actor who is playing Spinelli is wearing a mask and a wig and will one day rip it off and expose a brilliantly beautiful Adonis. Because he defies explanation. And yes, I realize I am going to hell. I've made peace with it.
I sometimes wonder if people are competing to see exactly how much makeup they can put on a petite pretty woman. That's, like, $9,700 worth of Nars cosmetics.
Then there is Antoinette Patterson Chandler "Quartermaine", also known as "Skye", also known as "the one woman army trying valiantly to bring back the wardrobe of Blanche Deveraux".
I love the AMC version of Skye and I think Robin Christopher is beautiful, but I have a hard time watching Skye's GH scenes because (a)they are pointless (b)she should be bonding with Adam Chandler, damn it and (c)the outfits she wears are actually offensive and should be punishable by law.
It defies explanation. Her wardrobe is hideous, perpetually outdated and ages her by several decades.
Then there is someone on staff with either a hat fetish or a sick sense of humor. Hats, when worn properly, can be cute. Ish. On some people. Like Victoria Rowell. Or maybe only on Victoria Rowell. These hats? Are so not right.
Putting Maxie in a babushka is not going to make people forget that she is a homewrecking, pill addicting skank. It's not like anyone is going to say, "Oh, my kindly German grandmother has that same crocheted hairnet and she's nice, so now I love Maxie!"
Lulu's hat is an ill-fitting atrocity. It's like the hat itself is saying, "I'm completely ugly and haven't been in style since Justin and Britney were together and I'm a plaid newsboy hat, for god's sake, I'm the type of thing an elderly cab driver wears and I'm trying to get off of her head and save her the embarrassment of being seen in this but she's just not letting me".
There are some bright spots. Like, um, three of them. In the entire cast. But three is better than nothing, no?
I own this sweater! No lie. When I saw Robin wear it, I actually jumped up and down in my room saying "I have that sweater!" That, too, is also not a lie. It's super comfortable and I love it. I am also loving Kimberly McCullough's hair color.
Jane Elliot rules, and this color is perfect on her. I am consistently confused and offended by the cracks about Tracy's appearance, because she's far more attractive than most of the people mentioned above.
Do you think Becky Herbst ever gets overwhelmed by how perfect looking she is? I wonder if it's difficult to have such perfect hair, and such glorious skin and that completely elegant bone structure. It must be exhausting.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.
- Promising Ingénue