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« Oh &%$!, Alice Horton! | Main | Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill... »

January 08, 2007

Hateration Nation

Were I the type of person who had a list of television characters that she loathes beyond all reason--and I'm not saying I am that type of person, I am just speaking in hypothetical terms--I would probably take the list very seriously. Like, I would even hypothetically make a scale going from "Sort of irksome" to "Really damn irritating" to "Makes me speechless with rage".

See, I'm never speechless. Ever. I always talk, a lot, but there are certain characters who literally make me so angry that I can't even talk, I just sputter angrily. If I made a list of those characters, the list would look like this:

  • Kelly "Boyfriend stealing slut ho bitch who could have stayed in that cult for all I care and I didn't even feel bad when she got burned in the fire" Taylor, Beverly Hills 90210
  • Sonny "Greasy misogynistic immoral midget who abuses his wives while installing a kept woman across the hallway and who hung a man on a meathook and who shot his wife in the head while she was giving birth to his son" Corinthos, General Hospital
  • Dawson "TWoP articulated why he sucks so much better than I ever could" Leery, Dawson's Creek
  • Babe "I'm a baby stealing TRAMP and I'm awful and I have no self awareness and I STEAL BABIES FOR GOD'S SAKE" Carey, All My Children

And I think I've gotten to the point in time where, were I making such a list, I would add Jonathan Lavery to it.

I just...I--no. Everything about him is no. Surely I can't be the only one watching today's episode who was hoping for Zarf/Zoe to stab him in the temple with a high heel.  Or who hopes that Zach will just snap and (dreamily) scream "Why does this schmuck get to murder wantonly and I may have caused my mother to die accidentally when I was FIVE and everybody is afraid of me?!"

Maybe it's just me. It's possible, because it seems like the soap media and the show producers are foisting him upon the world like some sort of fantastic hero who is ROMANTIC and who has PRINCIPLES and who FIGHTS FOR JUSTICE and is HONEST and AWESOME.

But, see, I have a hard time forgetting things, so where some people see "It's so sweet that he is so devoted to tracking down the guy who killed his sister", I see "Remember that time that he killed his brother and then killed a bodyguard and then killed Edmund?" and where some people are like, "Aww, he and Amanda are so cute", I'm like "It was also kind of cute when he slapped Maggie and poisoned Greenlee". Let's not even get into the camp of people who were all "Squeal! Jonathan and Lily are too cute! Jily4Eva!" and who conveniently forgot that he was pretending to be mentally disabled so he could stay married to an autistic teenager. !!!!!! There are no clusters of exclamation points that can fully convey my shock, horror and anger!

I mean, when Ryan suggested that Jonathan go work out with a punching bag to relieve his anger or go to the Miranda center to help out and feel better?! Those are the kinds of things you tell someone who had a bad day at work, not someone who has killed before and feels no remorse for it! Why should he be around babies at the Miranda Center?! What the hell is wrong with this show?

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

"Kelly "Boyfriend stealing slut ho bitch who could have stayed in that cult for all I care and I didn't even feel bad when she got burned in the fire" Taylor, Beverly Hills 90210"

It's official. You rock! I hated Kelly Taylor the passion of thousand god damn suns and stopped watching 90210 when the made this slut the fucking heroine. She slept with her best friend's boyfriend and Brenda's the bad guy. I hated everybody: Dylan, Brandon, Donna, Steve and, most of all, the Walshes. Do you know what my parents would have done to Kelly and Dylan? Do you know what my sister and cousins would have done to Kelly and Dylan? They certainly wouldn't have proposed to either of these douches.

I hate Babe, too.

"Sonny "Greasy misogynistic immoral midget who abuses his wives while installing a kept woman across the hallway and who hung a man on a meathook and who shot his wife in the head while she was giving birth to his son" Corinthos, General Hospital"

Just so you know... you are my hero! I flipping hate Sonny so much! That segment had me cracking up!
And while I completely agree with your Jonathan hate...the actor who plays him is hot! What I would not give for him to be brutally murdered on AMC and quickly hired on some other soap as a hero that you described!

The comments to this entry are closed.