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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | We Need Your Help! »

January 28, 2007

I Hate This Show

The very beginning of Friday's episode of General Hospital was awesome. Was it because of the explosion? Was it because Patrick is cute? Was it because MAC was actually seen onscreen? All of the above? I don't know!

I then remembered that all of GH's sweeps stunts are totally awesome in the beginning before they devolve into weeks worth of idiocy that suggest to viewers that the writers are equipped with nothing more than tequila and Mad Libs. Remember when we were all "OMG! LAURA IS BACK! OMG!" and then it was all Luke being a jackass and the miracle drug being temporary or whatever? Or what about when there was the ape virus and we were all "OMG! ROBERT SCORPIO IS ALIVE!!!!!!" and then there Sonny and Emily were all up on each other and Jason and Carly were heroes and I was sick to my stomach over the characterization of Robert as a deadbeat dad? So, yeah, as awesome as this first scene and the ripoff of 24 was, I know that it will just turn into dumbass stories about dumbass characters and the dumbass decision to kill off Alan Quartermaine.

In the interest of fairness, let's go back to the "good" for a second: 

1. Jason Thompson really is too cute for his own good. His cuteness inspires stalkerishness in people who usually manage to stay on the right side of the law.

2. Mac. Onscreen for more than 1.5 seconds. Being all copish and protective of Robin. It was like seeing a brand new character.

3. Um...

There was a lot more WTF? and badness going around in this episode.

At the special reunion of Spencer and his family, I was struck by two things: (1) None of these so-called "family" members even made mention of his being kidnapped during the whole three minute ordeal! and (2)I wonder if Mike is ever like, "Remember when you cheated on your wife with my whore of a daughter right after your wife was raped by a man who looked like you and right after my daughter got married? Good times".

I'd like to send a special message to the people who "write" for this show: It's not romantic, or charming or funny or madcap or cute or sweet or anything positive when an emotionally and physically abusive man who, let's not forget, shot his wife in the head while she was giving birth to his child, forces that woman into marriage even though she is engaged to someone else and doesn't want to marry him. Okay? No. How many times does Sonny have to hurt Carly or cheat on Carly or call Carly names before the writers are finally like, "Dude...this is kind of fucked up".

While I'm giving the show-runners instructions on how to make this show not suck, I'd like to suggest that they cut their losses and pretend that the characters of Kelly and Pete never existed. Kelly is sort of useless and the actress who plays her is really, really bad. And Pete? Do we really need another gross skeeve on this show? Isn't Sonny enough?!?

The most hilariously awful part of the show, though, was Sam's trip to the doctor. On the one hand, she didn't go see Kelly, so you sort of want to give her props for that. But on the other hand...the girl is too stupid to live.

The shock--SHOCK!--that she displayed upon hearing that she may not be able to get pregnant made me screech with simultaneous laughter and horror. Girl, you were shot in the uterus! Why is this surprising to you? I don't have kids of my own, but I had to take sex ed in school and I know that the uterus is integral to baby making. I guess I am a JaSam shipper now.

After all, who else but Sam could form a true love connection with a braindead hitman?

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

- Promising Ingénue


Sam: "I can't get pregnant? At least I saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico?"

Of course, Jason will end up being Jack Bauer and will save the day while the cops end up ineffectual. Because mobsters good, cops suck in Guza's bizarro world. This should be a job for Mac, Robert and Luke - with Jason looking to them for guidance.

You are so right. Where on earth is Robert in all of this?! It's maddening. The man saved the world from being frozen once and he and his ilk need to step back and let a braindead hitman make things right? I hate this show.

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