More From New Year's In Soapdom
The good folks of Pine Valley and Genoa City have New Year's Resolutions, too. And if their writers don't--well, they should.
I will wear long sleeves in the winter, jeans when there is downtime or a crisis and I will start to refer to my daughters' children as my...um, grandchildren.
I will not let the bitches in this town get me down. I will continue owning my own family's damn company and tell everybody else that they can suck it. I will also bring my poofy hair back; I feel sort of lost without it.
I will get it through my thick (though gloriously coiffed) skull that the man I am married to is ten times the man anyone else in this town could ever be, and I'll stop letting Ryan have any sort of hold on me because he sucks. I will also give my son a real name because, seriously, what was I thinking? Calling him Spike is so cruel.
I will stop with the giggles and will get back to my true calling: life ruining. Through tampered paternity tests, vehicular manslaughter, attempted murder and general snideness, I will once again be the Phyllis Summers that the town hates.
I will stop referring to people as dangerous, violent or degenerates, what with the whole attempting to punch my pregnant wife that one time.
I will rename myself as soon as I can speak. I will not hold my given name against my parents; I know they were under a lot of stress when they named me. I have made my peace with them and will move on.
Fenmore Baldwin, Y&R
I will stop treating Zach like the scum of the earth, since he's the only reason I'm not rotting in prison for torture and murder. I will stay away from all women with the last name Carey, as well as the craft services table.
I will get a purpose in life other than repeating everything Victor says.
I will take one moment and show some remorse for the three people I murdered. I will move out of the family home of one of those murder victims and run far, far away, never to return, and never to fake any more mental disabilities in order to stay married to an autistic teenager. Wow, I am really screwed up.
I will continue to be sassy. I will keep dating Jack Abbott to make the Newmans' heads explode and I will never lower myself to Brad Carlton's level ever again. I will also learn proper weave maintenance.
I will stop spreading my legs for every willing male in town and will resist my impulse to steal babies. I will also stop getting mad at people who take issue with the aforementioned baby stealing and leg spreading and stop acting like a helpless victim who gets treated so meanly by the big bad people of Pine Valley. I will do my best to find myself alone with the serial killer who is currently running around town.
I will up and leave Genoa City one night, never to return, with no one even noticing that I am gone. I will then go torment the good folks on The Bold and the Beautiful like usual. And, most importantly, I will never sing again.
I will stop being an emasculated loser and will get back to the cutthroat business tycoon the entire town knows and fears. I will never again choose Krystal and Babe over my own children and I will wreak havoc on all of them for the myriad ways that they have ruined my life and the lives of my children and I will ensure that their Kentucky fried asses never hurt anyone again.
I will stop inviting plebes like Sylvia Browne and Amber Moore to stay at my estate. I will only associate with the upper echelons of the world and will be fierce whilst doing it.
I will take my sweaters back from Adam.
I will, even for just one moment, feel badly about the lives I have ruined (and ended) through my inability to function in society. I will admit the fact that I tainted the creme that burned a child, killed a woman and caused Jack to lose his place in his father's company. I will either stop going after rich, single men or I will openly embrace the label of a gold-digger. I will stop wearing outfits that Fran Drescher circa 1997 rejected as being too tacky.
I will fight my hardest to change the hospital's dress code, enabling me to do all of my work shirtless and silent. Did I mention shirtless?
I will, like, try my best to ohmigod, like, speak like an actual, like, human being and, like, close my mouth when I'm not talking because, ohmigod, how many bugs have I swallowed? It's like seriously embarrassing.
I will get over this crazy notion that any woman would choose me over the tall drink of water that is Jackson Montgomery. I will take the hint that nobody in this town--not even my family--gives a damn about me and I will go back to doing work in Africa.
I will continue to despise the Carey whores with every fiber of my being and use all of my creativity and innate Chandler bitchiness to rid the world of their awfulness. I will also find a hairstyle that doesn't make me look like I'm an extra in a Tiffany video.
Related resolution: I will take more acting lessons to make Colby a truly awesome character who people won't be ashamed to like. I will also stop yelling all of my lines. -Ambyr Childers
I will appear onscreen more than once every seven months.
I will stop abusing Botox. I will also see a doctor who can help me control my rapid blinking problem. I will stop going after married men and I will apologize to my grandson for stealing his cow.
I will resist all of my impulses to rewrite the show's history in new and offensive ways. I will not allow myself to follow through on my long held dream of revealing that Adam and Stuart Chandler aren't even related. I will not insult my viewers on a daily basis. I will allow myself to be fired, publically humiliated, fired again, forced to watch the Colby/Sydney My Super Sweet Sixteen ripoff on a constant loop and fired again, on pay-per-view, with all proceeds going to disgruntled viewers.
Megan McTavish, AMC Headwriter
I will haunt Lynn Marie Latham until she realizes that she took daytime's greatest show and turned it into a mess with propped characters, out of character characters, no character development, murder via thighs, terrible recasts, stupid stories and no clear plan of what the future holds. I will then take over writing from the afterlife.
The Ghost of William J. Bell, Creator of The Young and the Restless
Bring on 2007! We'll be here being exceedingly critical as long as soaps give us material to criticize. Which they will, in new and amazing ways every single day.