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« Barf | Main | A Passionate Cancellation »

January 16, 2007

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Between General Hospital's illuminating lesson on old Hollywood and The Young and the Restless's continuing quest to prove to all of us that Nazis are evil, I'm wondering if the Department of Education made some clandestine deal with the heads of daytime dramas to teach history in exchange for...something. Or is the new target demographic people in their 80s? I'm so confused!

Victor: Everything ready to go? Thank you. My pilot is on standby.
Brad: The storage space is secured at the Geneva Freeport in Switzerland.
Victor: Good.
Victoria: And I've got some high-end antiquities so we'll look like we're in business. But let's just hope, though, that they don't do any snooping around. Because if they discover that it's a newly leased space, there might be a problem.
Victor: There's no reason to worry about that. Art dealers come and go there all the time. That should not arouse any suspicion.
Brad: By the way, the last few pieces of the Grugeon Collection that were sold were sold in Geneva. So it's good that we're fencing our pieces out of there.
Victor: Exactly. Now the question is, will our operation draw out the right people who hold the piece that we are interested in?
Brad: Well, there's no way to tell. It could've been lost or stolen years ago.
Victoria: If not, whoever has the piece may not take the bait.
Brad: You know, Victor, we don't have to do this. We can stop it right now.
Victor: We will not quit now.
Victoria: For all we know, whoever has the piece has no idea that there's any danger surrounding it.
Victor: If they do, they'll be so much more cautious.

I'm sorry, is this a soap opera or is it Antiques Roadshow? Well, Antiques Roadshow with the dialogue dumbed down to short, curt sentences in order to best accommodate actors who need to read off of cue cards.

I could almost see myself caring Eric Braeden were still as committed to acting as he was this summer, or if Don Diamont had more depth than a manila folder. But as a wise woman with more than a passing resemblance to a hammerhead shark once said, almost doesn't count.

There are only ways this drivel could be redeemed:

1. Victor and Brad bust out their famous uniforms of jeans and form fitting t-shirts and got back to hating one another. It's been far too long since Victor has had one of his "You hear me, Brad Carlton? YOUGOTTHAT, Brad Carlton?" fits.  Hilarity ensues.
2. They kill a Nazi (deadly thighs optional) and carry his body around Europe, viewing landmarks and tourist attractions. Hilarity ensues.
3. They have an unexpected layover in Vietnam and meet up with Mary Worth for a "Who's more self righteous and elderly?" contest. Hilarity ensues.

Hilarity needs to ensue, people. It needs to.

- Promising Ingénue

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