Jason Morgan, Superstar
I'm not generally the gambling type*, but I will bet you all $25 that on the next episode of General Hospital, a Kelly's patron will find Jason's face in her toast and, overcome, will fall on the floor speaking in tongues.
That would only be slightly more outrageous than the repeated discussion by every character on this show about the glorious wonder that is Jason Morgan, Pretend Father to the Nation's Children, Pure Hearted Hitman, and Omniscient Thug. Because he's perfect. Perfectly perfect, perfectly perfecting the art of perfection.
Sam: When the vault is opened, it's going to be chaos in here. You're not going to have time to think. You need to run straight to Jason and he'll get you out.
Because he's a HERO
Carly: Jason is not just going to take me and leave you and everyone else here, and you know it.
Because he's PURE HEARTED AND ALWAYS THINKING OF THE GREATER GOOD
Elizabeth: You and Jason will have a baby -- it's only a matter of time.
Because his sperm is MAGIC
Sam: You know, it isn't about the baby, exactly. It's Jason, you know? He agreed to marry you when he found out that you were pregnant. And he would have gone through with it even after he found out the baby was Lucky's. He would've taken care of you and your kids the same way he agreed to take care of me and the baby that I lost.
Remember what I said about him being PURE HEARTED?
Sam: I just -- I keep saying to myself that Jason's going to show up. I mean, come on -- everybody he loves is in this room. There's no way he's not going to come for us.
And for the GREATER GOOD?
Sam: It's Jason. He's dressed in one of the guard's outfits. He's over there by the door.
Craig: Would you like to share with me what has the two of you so captivated?
Sam: (Dumbfounded Stare)
Sure, one could make the argument that the dumfounded silence was Sam taking a minute to come up with a plausible lie, but we all know that her next line was really, "What has us so captivated?! Can you not SEE the ray of light coming off of that man's uniform? Can you not SMELL the heavenly perfume that accompanies him wherever he travels? Do you not HEAR the choir of angels singing? What is WRONG with you?"
And then of course Craig said, "Of course, it's Jason. The most beautiful sound that I've ever heard, Jason, Jason, Jason! Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's almost like praying. Jason. I'll never stop saying Jason!"
On the one hand, I'm irritated at myself for being irritated, because of course Jason was going to be the big hero. Of course. When was the last time he wasn't the big hero? He saves everybody from everything. He saved Robin from her grief at the Nurse's Ball back in the day and also from a car bomb. He saved Nikolas when he was shot outside of Luke's club. He saved Carly from a tragic life of billions of dollars as a Quartermaine. He saved Courtney from a life of stripping and drug addiction, and he helped her be the best little ho she could be. He saved Tony Jones from an awful life of continuing to devote himself to surgery. He saved Liz from grief over Lucky's death. He saved Zander from a boring life where people didn't think he tried to kill a cop. He saved Sam from being a single mother. He saved Port Charles from the outbreak. He saved the Quartermaines a life with Michael in it (well, that's actually pretty damn heroic...). He saved Sonny from himself.
And I mean, who else could POSSIBLY save the day? I mean, it would just be so stupid for, like, Lucky to be the hero. He's only a measly police officer. And Alexis? Please. She's a woman, y'all! Women don't get to be heroes! And don't even suggest Robert Scorpio and Luke Spencer. Just don't. That's lunacy, and you know it. They only saved the world from being frozen once. Jason's done it, like, a million billion times!
On the other hand, I'm irritated at these hack writers for being so slobberingly, disgustingly in love with the character of Jason Morgan. At one time, sure, the whole idea of Jason was sort of cool, since he didn't remember his past. That was over ten years ago. There's no more awesome going on there. And it's truly horrifying that the writers are obsessed with a character whose stated career is MAFIA HITMAN. He's a hitman! This never fails to make me go into hysterical "Won't someone think of the children?!" mode. This character kills people for a living. That is his job. He is a murderer and yet he is held upon a golden pedestal encircled by rainbows. I don't understand. I don't even think I want to understand.
*(Seriously, though, if I were the gambling type and also fictional and living in Port Charles, I'd so ask Jason what lottery numbers to play. The man is never wrong!)
- Promising Ingénue