Serial Drama

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Once again, not from today, but this both cracked me up and gave me some insight into how far up their own asses the GH writers have their heads, so I had to comment.

Diane:  Okay, I'm going to pretend that I didn't just hear that.  That you aren't actually asking me to deliberately circumvent the legal system.

Oh, honey, are you new?  You're Sonny's lawyer.  Deliberately circumventing the legal system is totally your job. You should object when things move along to the whole have-my-baby stage, because in addition to having to co-parent with a tiny mobster, that also might get you shot in the head.

 

- Evil But Twinless

 

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

It isn't today's, or even yesterday's (it's from last week or the week before, it's all kind of a blur), but this assholishness by the GH writers deserved its own post, even if belated.

Luke: I like being Mr. Tracy. First time in my life there's a woman in it who pushes me to the edge of my experience. Who challenges me.

It's not possible for me to sum up my rage* about this revisionist, anti-Laura bullshit that's going on.  I like Tracy, and I actually don't mind her and Luke together, but there is no excuse for writing like that.

* Um, just to clarify, this is Soap Rage, which is no way equivalent to Real Life Rage.  Like, my rage about GH's treatment of Laura is miniscule compared to my anger about Dubya's presidency, the lack of international intervention in Darfur, and third world poverty.  I know my posts here might indicate otherwise, but I'm reasonably well-adjusted.

 

- Evil But Twinless

 

A Less Botox'd Brady Bunch

Something fascinating has been happening over the last couple of months. Roman Brady's forehead has begun moving again! Hallelujah! Since I previously mocked Josh Taylor for whatever it was he was doing to his face, I feel it's only fair to point out that he's looking much more natural lately. Now, if only he could chat with his on-screen mom . . .

Screencap courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.

- Evil But Twinless

The Fast-Forward Button Makes the [GH] World a Better Place

I was on vacation and then swamped with work so I had nearly three weeks of GH on Days on TiVo. I considered just deleting it all, because after all they're soaps so I wouldn't miss much. But then I got sick this weekend and you know what they say, the best thing for a cold is to sit on a couch and vegetate while eating unhealthy snack foods and watching bad TV. They totally do say that.

Aaaaanyway, General Hospital. Thirteen episodes. Huh. I'm torn. On the one hand, that much bad fashion, hair, and dialogue all at once should be illegal. On the other hand, this show is much, much better when you can fast forward through all things Sonny-associated, and all repetitive conversations. Result? You can watch 13 episodes in five hours. No joke. There's much to comment on, but both because Promising Ingenue has brilliantly covered most of it, and because I have a very short attention span, I'll just hit some highlights and lowlights from the last few weeks of GH.

THE GOOD 

Heffa, Please

I've been sick and sleeping tons the past couple of weeks, and have been recording all of my soaps, which allows me to watch them as God intended: with the ability to fast forward. It's blissful. The Young and the Restless is now only, like, four minutes long.

Like I predicted weeks ago, the promising start to GH's February sweeps has turned into the type of sweeps GH always produces: dumbassedness mixed with veteran killing multiplied by Jason/Carly/Sonny saving the day. It has led to hours of me screaming "Heffa, please!" at my television, then feeling shame for being crazy and then getting angry at Bob Guza for making me crazy.

That is not to say that this sweeps stunt is totally without positive attributes, because there are some things that I really have been enjoying. Patrick continues to be a gem and Jason Thompson gets to showcase a softer side, which is always dreamy. Natalia Livingston has actually been emoting without me laughing at her. I cannot believe that I am saying this, since only months ago I was hating her with a passion, but Maxie is hilariously awesome and I want to see more of her locked in the vault with Three. Most shockingly of all, Sam shows signs of life. It was rough for a while there, with the tears and the yelling and the creepy way she stared at Elizabeth that suggested she wanted nothing more than to take Elizabeth's baby and implant it into her own broken uterus, but I'm starting to see something in her that looks suspiciously like a backbone and an ability to think quickly.

But, like I said above, much of this show falls under the "Heffa, please" heading.

So You Want To...

More from the best selling book So You Want To Ruin Your Soap: A Guide To Alienating Viewers and Courting Cancellation! Here's chapter seven, "So You Want To Make The Whole Show About One Character: Part I", by Megan McTavish.

1. NO ONE CAN RESIST A CHARACTER WITH AN ADORABLE NAME, NO MATTER HOW HORRID THEY ARE
The easiest way to whitewash the bad actions of a character, from murder to espionage to wearing white after Labor Day is to make sure they have the world's sweetest name. This means that anytime someone mentions them, they are using a term of endearment! It's also a signal to the audience (who, let's face it, is quite often a little slow) that they should like this character and get used to seeing him/her/Zarf onscreen all the time!

My most beloved and successful example of this is the character of Arabella Carey. With a name like that, you'd probably think she was a bitch. But if you call her Babe, you know for sure that she is a good and pure young girl who only does things for love and she's just so sweet and adorable and southern fried that you can't help but love her for the complex girl she is and the wise and strong woman she wants to be.

Half a Supercouple Is Not So Super

I've been on vacation and therefore haven't watched soaps in two weeks, so forgive me if as a result I'm just overrun with rationality - but doesn't this strike you as a very bad idea?  (For those of you who are link-averse, Matthew Ashford says he's coming back to Days later this winter.)  I was a fan of Jack and Jennifer, though I think they'd mostly run their course when the characters were written off the show last fall (at the actors' request, I thought I'd read).  I mean, how many more times could they "kill" Jack and make Jen mourn him before bringing him back from the dead?  Note to Days writers:  That is not a challenge!

I admit it's too bad that Steve doesn't have more of his family with him in Salem, but if bringing back a Johnson sibling is the goal then why not bring back Adrienne, with Justin and their boatload of children?  Now that Victor's all deliciously evil again, he and Justin could do another battle of good vs. evil, and his kids could bring a bunch of new teen characters to town so that the Salem youngsters could cut it out with all the relative-dating.

Why would Jack come back to town without Jennifer?  Why would Jack come back to town at all when he supposedly got some dream job in London just a few months ago?  Why did the showrunners go to the trouble of giving Jack and Jennifer a big send-off if they were just going to bring them back less than half a year later?  Why does all this make me think they're going to recast Jennifer?  I guess I'll just sum up my reaction to this news item thusly . . . why?

- Evil But Twinless

So You Want To...

I was recently on a thrift store kick, and found myself distracted by something shiny in the book section. I was shocked to find a completely intriguing and educational* book titled So You Want To Ruin Your Soap: A Guide to Alienating Viewers and Courting Cancellation, written by the good folks at ABC, CBS and NBC Daytime. Once I read it, all of the soap decisions of the past few years have started to become crystal clear, from "So You Want To Make Your Leading Lady Feel Insecure And Horrible" where readers are taught to verbally abuse actresses like Genie Francis about their weight and dress her in hideous muumuus to "So You Want To Make Your Audience Want To Cause Harm to Themselves And Others", which urges soap writers to create aliens who turn out to be the biological children of two core characters.

I will be posting occasional excerpts so that we can all be on the same page! Let's start with "So You Want to Shit All Over History: Part I" by Bob Guza

1. GET RID OF ALL OF THE VETERANS

They served their purpose. They had stories back in the day. But all they do now is remind audiences of the days that the show was actually good. So people like Stuart Damon? Cut 'em loose. What's he going to do, infuse even minor scenes with subtle, talented acting? Make people remember that the Quartermaines were a core family who drove the stories on GH for decades? Please. Who needs that? We have some true acting powerhouses on this show. Uh, does the name Maurice Benard ring any bells? Stuart Damon might have played Prince Charming, but Mo is Prince Charming. KING Charming.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I've been putting off watching All My Children this week because, um, it blows, so I just got around to watching Tuesday's episode where the following discussion took place.

Babe: Let him tell you! I -- ok, leave her alone, for the last time. She -- she didn't do anything wrong. She was trying to protect me. She's not a killer. If you want to blame someone, it's me. Adam was right -- those are my pancakes and I am the one that told Dixie to eat them.
Josh: Babe --
Babe: It was mine, and it's my fault!
Josh: Babe, no, listen. What happened to Dixie is not your fault, all right? You had no idea that food was laced. The only one to blame here is that maniac who was out to get you. He's the one who put the drug in the pancakes. This is not your fault.

I...I don't even have words. A woman named Babe talking about Zarf, an aborted fetus and killer pancakes all in one scene. SENSORY OVERLOAD SENSORY OVERLOAD

- Promising Ingénue