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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | Half a Supercouple Is Not So Super »

February 02, 2007

So You Want To...

I was recently on a thrift store kick, and found myself distracted by something shiny in the book section. I was shocked to find a completely intriguing and educational* book titled So You Want To Ruin Your Soap: A Guide to Alienating Viewers and Courting Cancellation, written by the good folks at ABC, CBS and NBC Daytime. Once I read it, all of the soap decisions of the past few years have started to become crystal clear, from "So You Want To Make Your Leading Lady Feel Insecure And Horrible" where readers are taught to verbally abuse actresses like Genie Francis about their weight and dress her in hideous muumuus to "So You Want To Make Your Audience Want To Cause Harm to Themselves And Others", which urges soap writers to create aliens who turn out to be the biological children of two core characters.

I will be posting occasional excerpts so that we can all be on the same page! Let's start with "So You Want to Shit All Over History: Part I" by Bob Guza

1. GET RID OF ALL OF THE VETERANS

They served their purpose. They had stories back in the day. But all they do now is remind audiences of the days that the show was actually good. So people like Stuart Damon? Cut 'em loose. What's he going to do, infuse even minor scenes with subtle, talented acting? Make people remember that the Quartermaines were a core family who drove the stories on GH for decades? Please. Who needs that? We have some true acting powerhouses on this show. Uh, does the name Maurice Benard ring any bells? Stuart Damon might have played Prince Charming, but Mo is Prince Charming. KING Charming.

2. START TO DESTROY FAMOUS SUPERCOUPLES  

I didn't match Luke and Laura up, so what the hell do I care if they end up together? I don't. I don't like Genie Francis. Ergo, ipso facto, I don't like Laura. So how do I deal with this? I make Luke talk about what a drag Laura is. Because Luke and Tracy are the future. She's his soulmate, just like Sonny and Carly are soulmates and Carly and Jax are soulmates and Jason and Sam are soulmates and Jason and Liz are soulmates and Jason and Courtney were soulmates.

To quote the dude himself: "Ok. Ok. I like being Mr. Tracy. First time in my life there's a woman in it who pushes to the edge of my experience, who challenges me. I am your husband, you're my wife, and it will remain that way until you decide otherwise."

See, because Laura never challenged Luke. She was always harshing his buzz by being so sweet and good, and caring about her kids and not wanting him to be friends with mobsters.

3. DESTROY THE OFFSPRING OF SUPERCOUPLES THEREBY MAKING THEM LESS SUPER

Because he's Luke and Laura's son, everybody expected Lucky to be the next great GH hero. Whatever. I'm not going to have some great stand up character as a reminder of great stand up characters. So I went out of my way to create contrived situations in which Lucky is proven over and over again to be nothing more than a doofus. As a bonus, it makes Jason look even better by comparison. Hehehe.

I decided that the best way to make people forget about how great Frisco and Felicia were was to make their daughter the town tramp with absolutely zero motivation for any of her actions. Who wants to remember their adorability in the face of Maxie's overwhelming skankiness?

4. NOTHING IS EVER "OUT OF CHARACTER"

You think Scott Baldwin always loved Laura too much to let her take the fall for Rick Webber's murder. Well, you're not the one calling the shots, so suck it.

The way I see it, Scott never loved Laura. It turns out that his true love was always Carly. He knew that Bobbie had given birth to a daughter (she told him offscreen) and he knew that Carly would grow up to be brilliant and brave and strong and loving, and he knew right then that toddler was his great love. So he decided that he was going to wait almost thirty years and then frame Laura for murder in an effort to stick it to Luke and get Carly's attention since murderers seem to be her type. Stay tuned for May Sweeps when he gets Carly's attention by playing "In Your Eyes" while he shoots her in the head!

 

I smell an Emmy!


5. BRING ON THE NEWBIES

Sure, the show might have gained enormous worldwide popularity based on core characters who have been with the show since the 60s, but the most important thing you could do is hire a bunch of new actors--bonus points if they aren't good at their job--and give them more screentime than the Emmy winning legends you might have in your cast. The audience will learn to like them. Eventually...

*albeit completely a figment of my insane imagination

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

Spot on. You said EXACTLY what I wanted to say, what I wish they would get. They are ruining this show. And I don't say that as "old whiner". I loved GH, through the good and bad, since around 1976 or so. This is not the same. Disrespect.

Bravo for the comments.

I personally think that Jill Farren Phillips and Guza have absolutely no talent and should be fired.

Or, they have a deathwish for GH.

With the current storylines, and the same characters day in and day out, and no Vets Jill and Guza are sending GH straight to the bottom of the ratings.

I really wish I could be a fly on the wall when Guza pitches these ideas. Or at least I wish I could have Frons' job so I could give him the business. I have a feeling my comments would consist of.....

"Are you serious?"

"You're retarded."

*blank Jason Morgan-style stare*

"WTF?!"

"Have you ever seen an episode GH?!"

"Seriously, though, you are mentally incapacitated, right? That's the only explanation for this garbage."

"Did you go to school for this? I really should check into your creditials. I knew something was fishy with your diploma. Wait a minute, when you said you went to the University of Pheonix, you did mean you were physically in Pheonix and went to classes on a real college campus and not that online crap, right? No. Well, now it all makes sense. You're effing fired!"

Refuse to use super couples and hire a bunch of people from other soaps and give them big story lines. also kill out major characters without thinking how the viewers will react to this.
Pair up someone who everyone detests and ignore opinions about this. Break up a couple who have been together for years, saying they are past a relationship. What an insult to fans.>

On the business of Scotty, I didn't think Laura was really in love with him. All her exes are control freaks, she should start over with someone new.>

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