Ain't No Smackdown Like an Adam Smackdown

Until today's episode of AMC where I saw Stuart hugging Adam, I had been convinced that I missed the episode where Adam left Pine Valley for good and asked Stuart to take his place at Chandler Enterprises and stay married to Krystal. It seemed like the only plausible explanation for the way Adam scurried around town avoiding confrontation while wearing Cosby sweaters.

The way he reclaimed his evil (is it really "evil" to be angry that your wife is carrying another man's child? I wouldn't assume so, but I think we're supposed to think that it is) (I also need to confess that I started fantasizing about a musical number where the cast started singing "Love Child" because I was bored) was a high point of AMC thus far this year. David Canary does rage and coldness like nobody else. And truly, it could not have come at a better time. I was afraid that, if I kept watching, I would suffocate under the tremendous amount of awful that this show had become.

PASS THE BUCK

How many different people did Krystal and Babe blame for the fact that Krystal cheated on her husband, got pregnant, and lied about it?

1. The rest of the world, for spinning it out of control

Oh -- one night. One night of trying to comfort my friend and my whole world has spun out of control.

What ever happened to a sympathy card, or making a casserole to comfort a friend?

2. Dixie

When Dixie finally got the confirmation from me, Tad, she didn't go to you with the truth...

The woman was killed by pancakes. Can't you just let her rest in (presumably peanut butter free) peace before dragging her into your sordid reindeer games?

3. Tad

But I knew that you didn't create this child out of love and commitment -- you don't want that with me

4. Colby

You got your wish -- the big secret's out. You happy now?

Yeah, Babe, I'm sure Colby is just over the moon with glee that she got to see, up close and personal, her father's heart get stamped into a billion pieces. It's like she thought "Hmmm, people are onto the fact that we're skanks. How do I distract them? Ah, yes, attack an insecure teenager. Good times".

LIKE, OMG, TOTALLY, FOR SURE

Granted, I have never lost a loved one to a trendily named serial killer only to find out days later that they are, in fact, alive, but I'm pretty sure that if I had, my first reaction would not be to freak out like a total valley girl. And I am a total valley girl, so that is saying quite a lot.

But seriously, in what world is this a normal response to hearing someone isn't dead?

Zoe: Oh, oh, oh! My best girlfriend! Can we -- can we talk to her?
Bianca: I -- I don't know if we can. I don't know anything --
Zoe: Cool -- I need to tell Amanda!

Is that how they think people react to shocking news? Zoe just learned Babe wasn't murdered, not that there was a sale at J. Crew. Is that how they think people talk in the year 2007? "My best girlfriend"? It's like I was watching an SNL sketch mocking Oprah, except that Zoe is even more irritating than Horatio Sanz. Has Megan McTavish actually met a real live human person with emotions? Is Megan McTavish the girl from Small Wonder all grown up?

ALL PRAISE BABE

I know that I joke around and say that Jason Morgan is ABC Daytime's answer to Jesus, but Babe is giving him (Him?) a run for his money, which is sad, because one can better adapt the soundtrack to Jesus Christ, Superstar with Jason's name. Babeus Christ, Superstar just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Oh, it's also sad because the woman that they talk about with the fervor and love usually reserved for preachers is an immoral, gold-digging, adulterous, babynapping bitch.

Oh. Babe is a -- is a miracle. Maybe we can hope for another one. Upon seeing Babe) Did the whole world just get a lot brighter? You survived against all odds, Babe. Do you know what an inspiration you are to me?

VOM.

But what's truly most inspiring about the blessed precious known as Babe is the fact that she is so kind, and so willing to forgive and open her heart and agree to be friends with the woman whose child she stole.

Bianca: But at the hospital, everybody kept saying that you were a survivor. And all I could think about was the heart infection that you got after Little A was born [right around the time you stole my child, remember? --ed.]. What if your heart [do you actually have one?] wasn't strong enough to handle the v-tach? What if it was all just too much, and I -- I wanted to save you, like you had saved me that night [before kidnapping my baby], but I couldn't. And then, when they said that -- that you didn't make it -- I realized something. At your funeral, I actually said it to you, and -- um -- I hoped that you would hear me. Obviously, you didn't. Um -- but I am very happy to have another opportunity to tell you. I forgive you for everything. I forgive you.
Babe: Bianca, I -- thank you [!!!111!@#@$! --ed.].
Bianca: I want another chance. I want to be friends again.
Babe: Absolutely, and I never stopped loving you.

How freaking kind and selfless of you, Babe, to never stop loving the woman whose life you ruined. That's so damned generous and beautiful. Babe truly does love and support everyone: the transgendered, the once aborted, the mentally defective (honestly, look me in the eye and tell me Bianca doesn't have severe mental defects for this crap).

DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN

I know that the writers and producers of this show are none too bright and more than likely have severe memory problems, but you would think that someone on staff--anyone on staff--would be like, "...for real? Krystal's going to keep another parent from their child again? Ho went to prison for doing this already. And she's going to give the ignorant parent the role of godparent to rub their nose in it while seeming kind and selfless? Again?"

I just...I am at a loss for words. I've tried to understand why I'm supposed to sympathize with a convicted kidnapper who got pregnant by a man who is not her husband and lied about it, named the real father the baby's godfather and decided to name her baby after her husband's beloved sister. Is it because she's Southern? Is it because she likes money? I mean, I like money, so we have that in common, therefore I am going to buy what she's selling.

Not even Adam setting Krystal's clothes on fire made any of the above better, although it was a valiant effort indeed. When does Megan McTavish's replacement start? Like...now maybe? Please?

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Anonymous]

Adam is awesome! His anger today is the best thing I've ever seen on AMC. I've just started watching this show and am a little puzzled at how the show is making Adam and Jr out to be evil because of their reactions to their scheming wives. Hello? The woman just told him the child in her belly belongs to another man! Is he supposed to hug her and say it's bo big deal? should he continue to go to ante-natal care with her like it's no big deal.What's the 'good' person's reaction to that kind of news.The writers need to get a freakin' clue! But at least I got to see some awesome acting from the guy who plays Adam Chandler. I think he's awesome. Come to think of it, he's always awesome. His conversations with JR recently where he discovered that Babe was hiding Zoe/Zarf in the house had me in stitches.

[Anonymous]

Once again, I couldn't agree more with your column.

I feel nothing but disgust for both Krystal and Babe in this situation. How dare Babe attack Colby, who was both justified and correct about what Krystal was doing to Adam and Babe to JR!

Bianca died to me the day she asked Babe to be her BFF again.

[Cat]

I think Bianca just wants to get into Babe's pants. Who doesn't on this show?

I'm so glad Adam was The Voice of the Audience this week. Cuz last week I was flicking through the show and found out that, yeah, wow, you *really* can devote entire episodes to propping up just one character! WTF?!

Zo-Arf: Amanda... Amanda... Don't cry! Unless those are tears of JOY because Babe's ALIVE!
Amanda: Babe...? Alive...?
Zo-Arf: Yes, you silly moppet! Now you have something to live for!

Josh: Snarl snarl. JR thinks he's SO cool. He's all "It's a miracle you're alive, Babe!" Like, barf!
Krystal: Darn-tootin'. My baby doll IS a miracle, Josh. And the MIRACLE of her being ALIVE will hopefully bring about another damn miracle -- putting JR on the path to righteousness!

Bianca: God has given me another opportunity to tell you I how much I *heart* u. Oh, Babe. Can you forgive me for not forgiving you earlier?
Babe: Yes, of course--
Bianca: Let's be best friends again. You know, I usually curl up in hospital beds with my best friends and stroke their warm, soft bodies and shower them with kisses. May I, Babe? May I show you just how much I love you? Uh, as a friend, I mean.