For the record, despite my James E. Reilly paranoid freakouts, I am still so super thankful that Megan McTavish got her walking papers, because I don't know how much more I could take of her poorly plotted, heinously conceived storylines before I went completely, drooling, locked up in the psych ward with Janet From Another Planet level crazy.
And I know, okay? I know that I could easily turn the TV off and just not watch. I know. I always tell people that I will probably never not watch General Hospital. It's been a part of my life since I was a newborn. It's like when you're in school and you have a class with a kid you've known since nursery school and they're kind of annoying with their pseudo intellectual outlook on life like they're the first person ever to read Shakespeare, but...you've known them since nursery school. Similarly, I will always be loyal to Days of Our Lives, which I started watching when my aunt, who was in high school, babysat me when I was a wee little ingenue. To continue with the school metaphor, Days is like the kid who eats paste but who can truly hate the kid who eats paste? The odds are so stacked against them that it seems unnecessarily cruel.
I have no such lifelong loyalty to All My Children. I'm a somewhat recent viewer, only tuning in randomly to catch glimpses of Susan Lucci's diva act, who got sucked in by the appearance of Josh Duhamel in leather pants. Remember when he wore leather pants for like two months straight? Can we go back to that time? Those were the days. Anyway, I think I stick with a Duhamelless AMC because I either hate myself or am trying to learn how to raise my blood pressure.
Because, no, okay? No. This show is just a whole lot of No. And, horribly, it seems to delight in its Noishness and in fact goes out of its way to taunt its viewers.
ALL MY CHILDREN: Do you want to see Stuart?
PROMISING INGENUE: I do! I love Stuart!
ALL MY CHILDREN: Well, you can see Stuart...talking about how he wishes Babe were here!!!
PROMISING INGENUE: NOOOOO!
AMC: Do you want to see Kendall and Zach prove that they are meant for each other and no other?
PI: I'd love that!
AMC: That will happen, but...only because they're almost going to be killed by a homicidal maniac who died years ago and was actually cremated!
AMC: Do you want to see Krystal in pain because she thinks her child
is dead, making her feel the way she and Babe made Bianca feel during
AMC: Okay! But it will only last fourteen minutes! Enjoy it while it lasts! Don't blink or you'll miss it!
AMC: Do you want to see a cave faced aborted fetus hold someone
captive in the basement of a casino, not letting her reunite with her
family and do nothing but talk about how they will run away together
and nobody needs to know the truth, in an unsettling way that makes one
think of Boxing Helena?
PI: ...no, actually.
AMC: Too bad! That's what's gonna happen! Suck on that!
(I mean, seriously, it's not just me, is it? Josh is really uber creepy and stalkerish, yes?)
The thing that drove me to distraction and quite nearly to the type of crazy where one yells gibberish at fictional characters was when Erica said
Look, if I can accept Kendall's marriage to Zach and Bianca's infatuation with that strange musician, I'm sure that I could find a way to tolerate Babe Chandler.
HELL NO. The destruction that Babe has caused the Kane family in particular is too enormous to list, although, obviously, said list would begin and end with "BABYNAPPED MIRANDA AND NEVER GOT PUNISHED FOR IT" and there is just no way Erica should ever find it in her heart to do anything but loathe Babe. She'd rather die...okay, she'd rather Babe die than tolerate her. Call me a cynical hater, but I do not buy her suddenly becoming tolerant of Babe because her "son" loves her. I'm sorry, but her "son" is an insult to the Kane name, whose clenched jaw and monotone and aforementioned stalker tendencies are CREEPY and INSANE and did I mention that he WAS ABORTED in 1973?!?! Erica acts like a cracked out teenager with everybody else, flying into blind rages at Jack because it turns out he wasn't the one sending her tacky Christmas gifts, but she suddenly becomes all human and kind and shit because of Josh? As if.
Please excuse me while I go meditate and attempt to be Zen. Only a few more months of McTavish, only a few more months of McTavish, only a few more months of McTavish....
- Promising Ingénue