What Do I Have To Do To Make You Love Me?
From the Desk of Nancy Lee Grahn,
If She Were Not Such a Nice Person*
Dear Daytime Emmy Voter-Types:
My therapist told me that I should write everything out in a letter. I won't ever send it, but this way I can get all my feelings out on paper and vent about your idiocy, but still show up to the ceremony looking fabulous and non-homicidal.
Here's the thing. I ROCK. I am a great actress, and not just in that "oh, she's a great soap actress" kind of way. No, I'm just plain great. Put me in any role, and I could pretty much kick ass. You've almost acknowledged this on several occasions, even nominated me a few times. (There was that one time I tied – tied! how does that happen?! – for the win, but that was when Dubya's dad was president so I think we should agree it's high time you stop resting on that particular laurel.) This year, you didn't even nominate me. This is unacceptable.
Since the fact that I am awesome is clear to anyone, your unwillingness to acknowledge the extent to which I rock is puzzling, though less so when I think about the other things you do, like naming my show, General Hospital, best daytime drama last year. I love my co-stars, but we can only do so much. Did you even watch our show? Did you listen to the dialogue? Did you see that the centerpiece of a soap opera is now an unrepentant mobster who is held up as a hero? Did you notice that the titular hospital has mostly just become the place where the criminals skulk around trying to cover up their misdoings or have their gunshot wounds treated?
Anyway, back to me, and that I rock. What makes my fabulousness even more impressive is that most of the time I am given absolute crap to work with, and I spin it into gold. Gold! This isn’t like when I was on Santa Barbara and the writing was fantastic and Lane Davies and I were given great banter to play with even if we were literally in a freaking cave. This is me having to dress in drag and play butler to the Quartermaines. Discovering the woman who had been pregnant by my babydaddy was actually my daughter (that's not soapy goodness, that's nasty). Being a reluctant medicinal pot smoker in a bad wig. Appearing to be hot for Sonny. Playing a cancer storyline in which I am portrayed as a villain, not a victim. Dealing with an adultery storyline in which my daughter sleeps with my husband but the audience is seemingly told to sympathize with my daughter, or even my husband, but not me, the aforementioned cancer patient. Granted, occasionally I'm given good material (which I, of course, rock), but mostly it’s just me rising above mediocrity.
So none of this is Emmy-baiting. I'm not spoon-fed fantastic stories in an effort to land me the winged statue. Sometimes it even seems like the writers are trying to make the audience hate me, trying to turn Alexis into a shrill harpy to compete with Carly in that category that she otherwise dominates, but I make it work. Yet from you, I get nothing!
And lest you think it's just drama I do well, I also kick ass at romance, and friendship. Which were cornerstones of daytime, before my current bosses got hold of things. But anyway, let's consider: Alexis and Sonny were hot together as a couple, and are great as friends. Alexis and Ric were hot together as a couple, and once the writers create a severe mental illness to explain his recent behavior, they'll probably be great as friends. Alexis and Jax were hot together as a fake couple, and are one of the most watchable things on TV as friends. Alexis and Ned were hot together as a couple and, when the idiots who run this show let Wally Kurth out of the recurring status basement where they inexplicably keep him, are fabulous as friends. Hell, Alexis and Craig are already hot together, and they just met about five soap opera minutes ago. What is the common denominator here? Me, and how much I rock.
I don't mean to say you only make mistakes, because I have absolutely nothing against the other ladies who were nominated – I'm sure they're fantastic. But there are five nominees! Five! You could think there are four better actress in daytime (there are not, but let's play out this hypothetical) and you would still have to nominate me. Do you have a collective puppy I ran over? A punchbowl I peed in? A bonnet I put a bee in? A saddle I put a burr under?
Anyway, all this is to say: What is your damage? What do I have to do to make you hand over that ugly little gold woman? If it's work with really good scripts and play a character who is clearly valued by the powers that be, I'm totally screwed. But otherwise, let me know, because I can handle it. In fact, I'll rock it.
Nancy Lee Grahn, If She Were Not Such a Nice Person*
P.S. An acting nomination for Passions? Really?
* Ed. Note: I don’t actually know that Nancy Lee Grahn is a nice person, but I’m assuming she is. How else could she be so kick-ass? Evidence of her nice-person-ness, or general kick-ass-ness, is encouraged in the comments.
- Evil But Twinless