A Week's Worth of AMC!

You know in the movie Go how Timothy Olyphant's character has an intense hatred of the comic The Family Circus and says it's always in the corner, waiting to suck?  That's totally how All My Children is these days. I haven't watched today's episode yet, but I know it sucked. Because that's the show's purpose in life: to suck. And also to make viewers ooh and ahhh at the size of Susan Lucci's head. But mostly to suck. In case you missed any of it this week, I will recap it for you.

***

KRYSTAL: How could Adam leave me while I was giving birth? How could he just walk away from me?
BABE: I know, right? What kind of man just blithely walks away from his wife while she gave birth to another man's child?
KRYSTAL: This proves that Tad deserves to be the father of this baby and Adam doesn't, even though just yesterday I thought that Adam was more deserving than Tad.
BABE: I'm glad you came to that decision. Do you ever feel guilty for our repeated insistence that we should have the power to decide who gets to parent children? Is it wrong to play God?
KRYSTAL: No.
BABE: Good, me neither. I love you, mama.

***

JAMIE: I hate you. I despise you. I abhor you.
JR: But you're my family...ish.
JAMIE: You love your father. It makes me sick.
JR: Even though you once ran away with my wife and son and had my son call you "Daddy", I will go out of my way to apologize to you.
JAMIE: All right. Keep apologizing. I still hate you and your stupid evil family, but I'll try to be civil. But only after I beat the living daylights out of your senior citizen father.
JR: How can I ever repay you for your kindness?

***

AVA: I want to meet Lily.
JONATHAN: As Lily's ex-husband, who has murdered many people in the past and who faked a mental illness in order to stay married to my autistic child bride, I have to say that I can't allow gutter trash like you to meet her.
AVA: You're sort of a douche...
JONATHAN: You will leave town right now and you will leave Lily alone. I've killed before, and I live in the house of one of the men I've killed. Don't test me.

***

AIDAN: I don't think Lily and Ava should meet...
DI: You can't do that, you can't keep FAMILY apart.
AIDAN: But I don't really care, because my foxiness is being wasted following around identical half-sisters or whatnot. The last time a gorgeous British man with an accent left this show, he went on to be a huge villain on Days of Our Lives...
DI: I know how important FAMILY is because I didn't know my SISTER DIXIE until just recently and DIXIE wound up being really important to me
AIDAN: So maybe I'll get fired from this show and another show will take notice of my extreme foxiness and give me something to do...
DI: So because of my past with DIXIE, I am not just going to let you keep Lily and Ava apart.
ADIAN: Hmm? Oh, great idea, I'll keep Lily and Ava apart.

***

ZOE: You're the most miraculous person alive, Bianca. Well, except Babe.
BIANCA: So true.
ZOE: The cromulent essence of your aura embiggens my spirit.
BIANCA: Oh, Zoe. Swoon!

***

ANNIE: Ryan, you're the most perfect man in the world.
RYAN: Aw, shucks.
ANNIE: And we're such a great couple. Remember before, when I had a personality?
RYAN: ...tell me more about how perfect I am.
ANNIE: Okay! You're so perfect, Ryan.
RYAN: Aw, shucks.

***

TAD: You're the most evil person in the universe.
ADAM: ???
TAD: And I swear to God, if you don't stop being evil, I will bury you alive, torture you and murder you like I did to Greg Madden.
ADAM: ???
TAD: I swear to God, I'll do it. Because I am a good, upstanding citizen and I loathe evil people like you.
ADAM: ???
TAD: Stop giving me the evil eye, Evil!

***

KRYSTAL: I was going to name the baby after Adam's sister but then I decided that you should actually get the chance to know your own daughter.
TAD: Cool. Can I name her after my sister, who died tragically before having to see me grow up to be a self righteous, murderous jerk?
KRYSTAL: Sure. And we can give her the middle name Colby.
TAD: I think that's a great idea, and it's totally appropriate for me to give my daughter (who was conceived when I had sex with my archenemy's wife) the middle name of my archenemy's daughter.
COLBY: I am way too cool for any of this, but I'm so young that gestures like this make me happy.
TAD: I had sex with your mom and your grandma, did you know that?
COLBY: Wow!
KRYSTAL: So little Jenny Colby Carey has hoish tendencies on both sides!
TAD, KRYSTAL, COLBY: Awww!

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Anonymous]

You're hilarious and brilliant. Write a comedy or something.

[andemcbeal]

Because the best show on television (Friday Night Lights--if you didn't know, you better ask somebody) did it this week...
::SLOW CLAP::
::SLOW CLAP::
::SLOW CLAP::
::SLOW CLAP::
::THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE::

ZOE: The cromulent essence of your aura embiggens my spirit.

::kisses fingers:: Magnifique! Brava! I'm extra effusive because I've been just waiting for an AMC post. The Days and GH posts from you and EBTW have been brilliant and I just waiting, waiting for my AMC bashing. It did not disappoint.

[Anonymous]

Haha, the sad thing is that when I first started reading this I wasn't sure if it was the actual dialogue of the show or if you were making it up. That's pretty bad. AMC sucks.

[soapunk]

This post is spot on. AMC is sickening these days. Hobilly Krustal lied about baby Jenny's paternity to suit her own interests, and yet everyone is in her hospital room cooing over her and the baby, and *ADAM* is the villian? WTF? And don't even start me on Bianca and Zarf. Cuz I am so pretending I have not just watched Daytimes sole lesbian beg for penis .

[zarathelawyer]

I does indeed suck. Though in the little I watched of it this week, there were two actual high points for me:

- scenes with Zach, Kendall and Spike

and

- Di, in trying to further her own stupid argument, repeatedly calling Jonathan on his past, right down to snarking on exploding caves

[tammy325]

Oh my word... I haven't lauged like this in ages... which is odd considering what a joke AMC is latley ;)

[Anonymous]

Brilliant!!!!!

[Sarah]

**Disclaimer: I don't watch AMC***

That being said, since Aiden doesn't have anything to do on AMC, bring him to GH. At least he has family there. He could straighten up Robin's life, and *gasp* imagine a scene with both him and Jason Thompson. Could my television handle that much hotness at one time? Could I?

And then he can team up with Uncle Mac and bring down Sonny and Jason.

No, I'm not delusional. Why do you ask?