A Week's Worth of AMC!
You know in the movie Go how Timothy Olyphant's character has an intense hatred of the comic The Family Circus and says it's always in the corner, waiting to suck? That's totally how All My Children is these days. I haven't watched today's episode yet, but I know it sucked. Because that's the show's purpose in life: to suck. And also to make viewers ooh and ahhh at the size of Susan Lucci's head. But mostly to suck. In case you missed any of it this week, I will recap it for you.
KRYSTAL: How could Adam leave me while I was giving birth? How could he just walk away from me?
BABE: I know, right? What kind of man just blithely walks away from his wife while she gave birth to another man's child?
KRYSTAL: This proves that Tad deserves to be the father of this baby and Adam doesn't, even though just yesterday I thought that Adam was more deserving than Tad.
BABE: I'm glad you came to that decision. Do you ever feel guilty for our repeated insistence that we should have the power to decide who gets to parent children? Is it wrong to play God?
BABE: Good, me neither. I love you, mama.
JAMIE: I hate you. I despise you. I abhor you.
JR: But you're my family...ish.
JAMIE: You love your father. It makes me sick.
JR: Even though you once ran away with my wife and son and had my son call you "Daddy", I will go out of my way to apologize to you.
JAMIE: All right. Keep apologizing. I still hate you and your stupid evil family, but I'll try to be civil. But only after I beat the living daylights out of your senior citizen father.
JR: How can I ever repay you for your kindness?
AVA: I want to meet Lily.
JONATHAN: As Lily's ex-husband, who has murdered many people in the past and who faked a mental illness in order to stay married to my autistic child bride, I have to say that I can't allow gutter trash like you to meet her.
AVA: You're sort of a douche...
JONATHAN: You will leave town right now and you will leave Lily alone. I've killed before, and I live in the house of one of the men I've killed. Don't test me.
AIDAN: I don't think Lily and Ava should meet...
DI: You can't do that, you can't keep FAMILY apart.
AIDAN: But I don't really care, because my foxiness is being wasted following around identical half-sisters or whatnot. The last time a gorgeous British man with an accent left this show, he went on to be a huge villain on Days of Our Lives...
DI: I know how important FAMILY is because I didn't know my SISTER DIXIE until just recently and DIXIE wound up being really important to me
AIDAN: So maybe I'll get fired from this show and another show will take notice of my extreme foxiness and give me something to do...
DI: So because of my past with DIXIE, I am not just going to let you keep Lily and Ava apart.
ADIAN: Hmm? Oh, great idea, I'll keep Lily and Ava apart.
ZOE: You're the most miraculous person alive, Bianca. Well, except Babe.
BIANCA: So true.
ZOE: The cromulent essence of your aura embiggens my spirit.
BIANCA: Oh, Zoe. Swoon!
ANNIE: Ryan, you're the most perfect man in the world.
RYAN: Aw, shucks.
ANNIE: And we're such a great couple. Remember before, when I had a personality?
RYAN: ...tell me more about how perfect I am.
ANNIE: Okay! You're so perfect, Ryan.
RYAN: Aw, shucks.
TAD: You're the most evil person in the universe.
TAD: And I swear to God, if you don't stop being evil, I will bury you alive, torture you and murder you like I did to Greg Madden.
TAD: I swear to God, I'll do it. Because I am a good, upstanding citizen and I loathe evil people like you.
TAD: Stop giving me the evil eye, Evil!
KRYSTAL: I was going to name the baby after
Adam's sister but then I decided that you should actually get the
chance to know your own daughter.
TAD: Cool. Can I name her after my sister, who died tragically before having to see me grow up to be a self righteous, murderous jerk?
KRYSTAL: Sure. And we can give her the middle name Colby.
TAD: I think that's a great idea, and it's totally appropriate for me to give my daughter (who was conceived when I had sex with my archenemy's wife) the middle name of my archenemy's daughter.
COLBY: I am way too cool for any of this, but I'm so young that gestures like this make me happy.
TAD: I had sex with your mom and your grandma, did you know that?
KRYSTAL: So little Jenny Colby Carey has hoish tendencies on both sides!
TAD, KRYSTAL, COLBY: Awww!
- Promising Ingénue