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« Make Some Donuts in Her Honor | Main | The Day's Dumbest Dialogue »

April 09, 2007

(Friday's) Dumbest Dialogue

POP QUIZ

If you were thinking of procreating, who would be the ideal father for your child?


(a) a police officer who is committed to living a clean and healthy life and not going back to painkillers

(b) a mafia hitman who kills people in cold blood in exchange for pay

If you answered (a), you're wrong! And you also probably suffer from severe mental defects: we're sorry to hear that.

The writers' insistence that Jason is the most glorious person in the glorious history of glorious people is even more glaring than usual these days, which is saying something, since most of the dialogue over the past decade has consisted of asserting Jason's rightful place on the Top People Of All Time, Ever list, just behind Jesus, Gandhi, Queen Elizabeth and Abraham Lincoln. Word has it that Guza was pissed that Honest Abe beat out the Holy Hitman.

Spinelli had a lovely monologue praising the perfection that is Jason and his selfless, misguided decision to step out of his holy spawn's life

If I may respectfully disagree, it is. I'm your partner. I -- I mean, I was in -- in the whole hostage crisis. I mean, I -- you know, I felt like we really developed a whole, you know, fighter pilot-wingman thing. And I like you. You're like the -- uh -- the big brother I never had. And -- and it kills me to see you in this turmoil. Look -- look, I know -- I know that Elizabeth asked you to give up the baby and I know why you did. But, look, the decision is killing you. And it's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair to you, and it's not -- it's not fair to that kid, ok? Because they're going to be missing out on the world's most awesome dad. I mean, you -- you would actually be involved in the kid's life. You would read to him, and you would -- you would play ball with him -- or dolls with her. D you would tell that kid the truth, you would. And that's most than -- that's more than most kids get. Look -- look, I'm speaking from experience. My family -- you know, they had a lot of secrets, and it is not cool to find out that the people you've been counting on your whole life had been lying to you from square one. Ok, that baby, Elizabeth’s baby, is going to find out the truth someday, and that kid -- that kid is going to believe that the coolest dad around didn't want them. Now, can you honestly look me in the eye and say that you're ok with that?

Bradford Anderson is a much better actor than I have ever given him credit for. His monologue was actually quite well done and, if one wasn't listening to the words he was saying, moving. And he also managed to say it all without throwing up or laughing out loud.

"And it's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair to you, and it's not -- it's not fair to that kid, ok?"...sort of like how it was unfair to AJ when you stole his child. Props for apologizing after the guy's been dead for a few years, though. You're all class, Jason.

"Because they're going to be missing out on the world's most awesome dad" ...who kills people for a living.

"I mean, you -- you would actually be involved in the kid's life" ...unlike Lucky who loathes and despises all children and hasn't been floating on cloud nine for the past seven months thrilled with the fact that he and Liz are having a baby, and who doesn't adore and love Cameron at all, no sir.

"You would read to him" ...can you even read?

"and you would -- you would play ball with him -- or dolls with her. "...or teach them how to fire a gun, or order hits on people like the last child you raised.

"Elizabeth’s baby, is going to find out the truth someday, and that kid -- that kid is going to believe that the coolest dad around didn't want them"...no, the kid will believe that Lucky wanted him/her. That's the whole point of this paternity lie! I know that GH feels that being a recovering drug addict or alcoholic is even worse than being a murderous transvestite hooker (remember, the whole reason Michael wasn't safe to be with AJ was that he was...a recovering alcoholic trying valiantly to stay on the wagon), and I know that being part of the mob is even more prestigious than being a doctor or a lawyer and that murder is okay if Jason, Sonny or Sam do it, but this is just bizarre. I mean, is it just me? Am I the only person who think it's more normal to buy regular baby clothes and not baby sized bullet proof vests? Am I the only one who wouldn't want to bring a mobster with me on career day? What if a child started laughing at the fact that Jason was blinking messages in morse code and Jason decided they were bad and shot them?! That would be so traumatic!

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

You know if Jason shot a kid the kid would have had it coming though, right? Or are you new?

I knew I was only half-heartedly watching, but how little attention was I paying that I missed Jason being referred to as "the world's most awesome dad"? These writers are so damaged, honestly. He kills people. For money. And lives like a king, so clearly he does a lot of the killing. For money. It's like . . . why do we even need to move past that to prove the point? HE KILLS PEOPLE FOR MONEY.

Besides, would you rather your child look like Greg Vaughan, or a constipated rodent?

Bradford is an amazing actor.

Yeah, I do give props to Bradford Anderson too, but having Spinelli make that speech makes even less sense than any one of the others who might be making it - unfortunately - given his only experience of the Baby Whisperer as a parent is Jason parenting him, which has lead to cross-country adventures on the lam, being locked up in safe-houses and having half a hotel collapse on them.

Leaving aside the history of baby-stealing, yes, Jason's good with kids, but when was the last time he was actually a parent? Ten years ago at a time when he ditched the mob. Doesn't count as relevant experience. Pushing Cam on the occasional swing and pandering to Michael don't count.

So even if you can get past the gigantic hurdles of the hitman thing, and a history as The Boy Who Cried Daddy, you still hit up against "no actual proof he's a good parent".

And then you get to the hair. If I hope for nothing else, I hope this kid gets Elizabeth's hair.

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