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« Coming to a Monitor Near You: Night Shift Recaps | Main | Funny and Unfunny »

April 22, 2007

Horror Lurks in Pine Valley

It's scary, sometimes, to be watching All My Children. Almost like a horror movie, really, where you're on edge, knowing that the killer is going to jump onscreen any moment brandishing a large weapon or a severed appendage, or something. Except instead of knives and body parts, AMC is scaring me with nonsensical plots and zero character growth or development. And it could happen at any time! At least on General Hospital and Days of Our Lives, you pretty much know which scenes are going to be the soap opera equivalent of assault (Sonny & Carly Round 94, Belle and Shawn's Island Adventures), but with this show, storylines that we good half an hour ago could suddenly spiral into a land of confusion! It's awful! Awful!

Like, for example, Kendall. Everything about Kendall is awesome: her hair, her sense of humor, her ability to hold grudges, her hair, her bitchface, her family on her mother's side, her loyalty and her hair. So, naturally, I love scenes with Kendall in them. But I don't love Kendall reacting to the trauma of her father-in-law/renowned serial killer/the formerly cremated Alex Cambias Senior by holding Babe's hand. Isn't the whole point of having a mortal enemy to hate this person for as long as you are on this mortal coil? You don't go holding their hands, no matter how tragic life is at the moment. Lordy! It would have made more sense for Kendall to hold Ryan's hand, or Annie's, or Aidan's, or Del's, or the bailiff's.

I do have to say that Alexander was possibly the most hilarious character on tv outside of Kenneth on 30 Rock. Not the crazy serial killer part (or the whole "was once cremated" thing), but the nursery rhymes? Too funny. I'm surprised that these writers came up with it!

Then there is Bianca and Effing Zoe. Watching Bianca run around town and making plans to move back to Europe to have sex with a person currently in possession of a penis is just...no. And this person with a penis is perhaps the most irritating character ever introduced to daytime television, what with the talk of auras and the self righteousness. So for Bianca (the lesbian!) to justify her insatiable need for Zoe because she apparently loves people's souls is ridiculous and insulting, because even Zoe's soul is annoying.

Does anybody in the world really care about Ryan and Annie? Do they have any fans whatsoever? I am honestly curious. I feel that they have anti-chemistry. And Annie has no purpose, aside from being the mother of Ryan's daughter. They certainly aren't attempting to give her a personality or charm of any sort. It would be the same as Ryan planning a wedding to his desk chair.

Continuing the horror movie theme from above: was anybody else terrified beyond belief when Colby was being welcomed into the Carey family? Chilling. The child is 16 years old! Don't ruin her yet! She has her whole life ahead of her before getting stuck in the Carey world. I especially enjoyed their family motto: "We deserve the best, and together we can always get it." I suppose the unsaid ending "by breaking the laws and spreading our legs" was too obvious for them to expound upon.

I know I have asked this in the past, but I will continue to ask until I get a reasonable answer: Why is Jonathan living in the estate of a man that he murdered? How has he not spontaneously combusted from hypocrisy?

Here's what I don't understand about "Chandler vs. Carey/Martin: Yet Another Stolen Baby" thing:

1. Why the hell is Tad so peachy keen about all of this? I know he's happy that he gets to be part of his kid's life from the day they were born, unlike with Jamie and Kate, but he really harbors no ill will towards Krystal for keeping the baby's paternity a secret, huh? He's totally okay with her! He hates Adam for existing and for being the person his baby momma was going to let be the father, but the person who created this whole mess is a-ok.

2. Similarly, Jamie is all up in JR's face all the time about how keeping the secret would put the baby under Adam's roof, which...was the whole point of Krystal's lie! Why are you mad at JR for this lie and not at Krystal and Babe for the exact same lie?!

3. Why is Erica the only person in town who understands that Adam suffered a great loss in all of this? He found out that his wife was unfaithful and that the baby he had already loved for months wasn't his, and he's just supposed to shrug it off and be fine with it?

4. Why are there so many "Y"s in the baby's name? Baby Jenny Colby Carey!

5. Why am I supposed to feel any sympathy for Krystal, Tad, Babe and Jamie about Jenny being missing? Look, babynapping is never okay, but I'm having a real hard time feeling sorry for these people. Krystal is a convicted babynapper who was just going to keep Tad away from this child anyway until the pesky truth got in his way. Tad also participated in keeping Bianca away from her child, and he also tortured a man and killed him just last year. Babe stole Bianca's child and then stole her own child from the people who adopted him. Jamie participated in the babynapping of Miranda and Ace/Adam III. I believe the word you're looking for is "karma", bitches.

6. The above makes me wonder: is there anything to do in Pine Valley besides stealing children?! That's a whole lot of people in the baby stealing business.

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

I’m glad I’m not the only one who cannot stand Zarfoe and all the bloody new agey clap trap. I never thought the whole transgender thing was going to work as a story because it was in the hands of the AMC writers, but they never even gave it a chance by making the character the most annoying twit on the planet notwithstanding gender, sexual confusion or anything else.

And as for the whole baby thing, I really think that Liza needs to come back and kick some ass all over the place in that story. Not that I think that is ever going to happen so I am choosing instead to ignore the whole thing.

Totally agree about Zarf/Zoey. He/she is annoying and this storyline has been insulting to transgender people. And the Zoey/Bianca romance has been disrespectful to Bianca's character and offensive to lesbians. I can't wait until McTavish's scripts stop airing.

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