My Brain Hurts
Watching General Hospital has started to send me on a spiral of self doubt: have I lost my grip on sanity by continuing to watch it? Am I really horrible at life in general since I don't have a job as a soap opera executive producer and Jill Farren Phelps does and if she can do it, a monkey can, so why am I not doing it, am I more useless than a monkey? Is James Scott not returning my calls because he heard through the grapevine that I have conversations with my television?
It's not a fun way to live.
I also start to wonder if the things I like on the show itself are actually good, or if they are just comparatively good because the rest of the show is so tragically, relentlessly bad. Like, is Emily actually smart because she was suspicious about Robin and Nikolas falling in love, or is she only smart compared to the dweebs that run rampant in Port Charles? Do Maxie and Cooper actually rule in myriad ways, or am I so starved of romance on this show since Robin and Patrick broke up for heinously contrived reasons that I am just latching onto them? I don't know! I'm so confused!
As adorable as I am finding Maxie and Cooper (and I am, very much so), it also frustrates me, because it shows that the writers are able to write a romance that doesn't make me want to harm myself or others and the new and improved Maxie with the layers and the sarcasm and the awesome proves that they are capable of complexity, but they just choose not to do anything with it because they're lazy hack bastards. Why bother delving into the angst Liz has gone through with the Jason/Lucky drama? It's much easier to just ignore character motivations and push plots, no matter how illogical they may be. It's quite annoying--I'd almost rather them not show me flashes of brilliance, because then I start to get upset over squandered possibilities, while if a writing staff is just moronic and untalented, I know exactly what to expect.
(While we're talking about Maxie, I would just like to take this time to send a brief message to Kirsten Storms: Kirsten. Honey. Please start eating. You're so pretty, but you're wasting away to nothing. I swear, if I wear my hair in a ponytail, the ponytail is thicker than your arms. And your legs are just---I actually gasped at one point in yesterday's show because your legs were like toothpicks. Please. We worry!)
I'm super thrilled that Sam is getting yet another backstory. I don't think that's happened enough during her three and a half years on the show. And it looks like it involved another sleazy man and a possible murder--you know, combining Sam and Laura's death tolls is chilling. They're murder machines!--which hasn't been done before. Oh, sure, this time is slightly different because it involves a creepy Fivehead, but come on, we've seen it all before. I'd rather see Sam hanging out with her mom. Does Alexis even know that her daughter is world famous?
Speaking of...the scene where paparazzi were following Jason around was the most hilarious thing I've seen in years. I laughed until I cried. I can't even imagine how they came up with this plot "Someone does something heroic...ish, so she goes on the news and the response to her is overwhelming and then she gets her own show, and she's so awesome that the press starts to follow her criminal boyfriend around!" If this happened in real life, I still think that my local paper would probably put it in a tiny box on the front page under a story about wildlife or something.
And why has no one said, "Our newest media darling is dating a man who murders others for a living. That's screwed up, yo". And yeah, it was nice that Fivehead got off that line about Sam looking like a mafia bimbo, but, um, hello, remember when she was the mobster's pregnant kept woman living across the hall from him and his wife? And why has no one pointed out how obviously evil Amelia is?! She's always vaguely sinister, the only way she could make it clearer is if she wrote it on her forehead (that way, people could see it from space).
Then there's Alexis and Craig. And you know what? I want Nancy Lee Grahn to be happy. I am a firm believer in the notion that Nancy Lee Grahn is about thirty times more amazing than most of the people on this planet, so I want her to have fun playing Alexis and I will normally turn a blind eye to the ridiculous situations that Alexis is put in like suddenly having a daughter that she never mentioned in her ten years on the show and, you know, Dobson, because it's so rare for an actress over the age of 24 on this show to have any sort of significant screentime so I usually just suck it up and deal with it, but you know what? I want Alexis to be able to talk to men who aren't (a)obsessed with earning the undying love and devotion of Carly and (b)psychotic. I mean, wasn't Ric bad enough? Must we immediately put her in Craig's orbit? She has cancer, she lost custody of her daughter--you know what would be a happy ending? Making her spend time with the mastermind behind the hostage crisis! Yay! Especially because you know this will lead to all of Port Charles angrily screaming at her because she didn't hate Craig on sight and why she must be an evil sympathizer. But Alexis wasn't at the Metro Court, she doesn't know it's Craig, you may say, but we aren't watching a reasonable show! This show might actually put Alexis on trial for the hostage situation just because they can.
Plus, for an evil mastermind genius criminal type, Craig is pretty much not good at what he does. Was the girl hostage taker the brains of the operation? I'm sure she wouldn't have thought of a lame "Force Robin and Nikolas to pretend to be dating! LOL!" plan. I'm pretty sure that Baby Spencer is like, "Dude, that's the best you can do? You're troubled."
I don't even have the energy to complain about how horrible and embarrassing this love triangle is. I just don't. When your storyline consists of a war over marble, you know it's terrible. Scratch that, when your storyline consists of a woman marrying and sleeping with her fiance's mortal enemy while the fiance is helping a family member, you know it's terrible. Wait, no, when your storyline consists of a woman torn between an upstanding citizen and the mobster who shot her in the head while she was giving birth to his child, you know it's terrible. On any other show, the person who once shot his wife in the head while she was giving birth to his child would have been shunned and hated by the rest of town, but on this show he is both the romantic ideal and the moral compass.
This effing show...
- Promising Ingénue