Serial Drama

A Week's Worth of AMC!

You know in the movie Go how Timothy Olyphant's character has an intense hatred of the comic The Family Circus and says it's always in the corner, waiting to suck?  That's totally how All My Children is these days. I haven't watched today's episode yet, but I know it sucked. Because that's the show's purpose in life: to suck. And also to make viewers ooh and ahhh at the size of Susan Lucci's head. But mostly to suck. In case you missed any of it this week, I will recap it for you.

***

KRYSTAL: How could Adam leave me while I was giving birth? How could he just walk away from me?
BABE: I know, right? What kind of man just blithely walks away from his wife while she gave birth to another man's child?
KRYSTAL: This proves that Tad deserves to be the father of this baby and Adam doesn't, even though just yesterday I thought that Adam was more deserving than Tad.
BABE: I'm glad you came to that decision. Do you ever feel guilty for our repeated insistence that we should have the power to decide who gets to parent children? Is it wrong to play God?
KRYSTAL: No.
BABE: Good, me neither. I love you, mama.

You Don't Bring Me Good Montage Anymore

How terrible was that closing montage on GH today? 

Sonny and Jason shooting at a bunch of people and getting shot at (Will these two characters who are on every single day and around whom the show revolves survive?!  Who can predict?!  I must tune in tomorrow to find out!  The suspense is killing me!), interspersed with Jax and Carly's re-engagement (Will this obviously doomed couple get married and be happy forever and ever?!  Who can predict?!) and Sam's photoshoot (which appeared to involve an inappropriate level of glee for an improbable show about serious heroic...ish incidents in which people nearly die).

Sigh. I knew clink-boom.*   Clink-boom was a friend of mine.  Derivative shoot-out montage, you're no clink-boom.

Forget The Departed, these writers can't even rip-off their own stuff well.


* This video evidence reminds me:  Ingo, please start using a higher SPF.  Thanks!

- Evil But Twinless

Punching My Ticket to Hell

Hope: [Y]ou shot John.
E.J.:  Oh yes, um, let me ask you something, how is John?  I hear that maybe he's going to be able to add "breathing on his own" to his list of accomplishments.
:: ducks slap from Hope, laughs sexily::

That is cruel.  That is tasteless.  That is beyond the pale of decency, to make fun of someone's comatose loved one.  And I cannot even explain how hilarious it was.  I laughed out loud; I may even have guffawed.  It was easily the funniest thing I've seen on daytime since Alexis on GH got really stoned.

James Scott's delivery was perfect.  It was delicious soapy villainy and I demand more of it.  Days has a woefully inadequate supply of over-the-top evilness these days.  Victor needs to come back in full force with his perfectly groomed mustache and total lack of scruples.  It's a crime that he's stuck with idiotic stuff like secret face transplants and faux-Claire-napping.  Vic and E.J. can pair up to mock the trials and tribulations of the more upstanding Salem residents and make inappropriate jokes at their expense.  In fact, I think I would enjoy this show ten times more if it were like that MST3K show Comedy Central used to run in the middle of the night, with E.J. and Victor watching Days in a fake movie theater, providing bitchy commentary.

It's possible I was also a little extra entertained by the line because I could hear Promising Ingénue laughing from several states away.  It's only fair that John's Very Serious and Not at All Humorous Medical Condition finally provide her with some amusement after it left her feeling so violated.

- Evil But Twinless

Forget Sonny, Carly's True Love Is Ugly Fashion

Laura Wright seems to be a talented actress, and she's a lovely-looking woman with fantastic hair. So she must have perpetrated some unspeakable evil on the wardrobe department at General Hospital, because those bitches hate her. Hate. Her.  There is no other explanation for her wardrobe on the show. She should file a lawsuit for intentional infliction of bad fashion. She would have no shortage of evidence.  The other day she added this baggy...thing to the bunch:

No, she's not pregnant.  And that was just the latest in a long line of unflattering, ill-fitting tops of late.

Can't a Girl Get a Good Romance?

I have a good job, cute dog, great friends and family, plus a pretty staggering collection of shoes and handbags.  But does any of that warm my heart?  Well, yes, the shoes and handbags sort of do, because I am shallow, but what really warms my heart is a good romance.  Because I am a General Hospital viewer, I therefore have a cold, dead heart.  (Or is it the other way around?)

Maybe it's just because I grew up watching Days of Our Lives in its heyday, but aren't soaps supposed to be all about overly dramatic romantic entanglements and family interactions?  The GH showrunners are failing on both counts, having relegated core families to window dressing status eons ago, and now killing off romance like it's trying to take over one of Sonny's docks.

Hell, No

Remember when they announced that there would be a General Hospital spinoff and I was all, "Why do they need a spinoff? What the hell?"? And remember when they said that Robin and Patrick would be the centerpiece of this new show and I attempted to say something like "With a winning couple and talented leads at the forefront of this show, I am cautiously optimistic" but it came out more like "EEEEEEE! Scrubs! Jason Thompson! Kimberly McCullough! Stars! More screentime! Cupcakes and sparkles and kittens! EEEEEEEEEE!"

I should always trust my first instinct.

According to TV Guide, this is the cast of the show (not listed: Billy Dee Williams [?!?! --ed.]):

Steve Burton (Jason Morgan)• Kimberly McCullough (Robin Scorpio)• Jason Thompson (Patrick Drake)• Kirsten Storms (Maxie Jones)• Julie Marie Berman (Lulu Spencer)• Natalia Livingston (Emily Quartermaine)• Rebecca Herbst (Elizabeth Spencer)• Kent King (Lainey Winters)• Jason Gerhardt (Coop Barrett)• Josh Duhon (Logan Hayes)• Lindze Letherman (Georgie Jones)• Kiko Ellsworth (Stan Johnson)• Sonya Eddy (Epiphany Johnson)• Minae Noji (Kelly Lee)• Bradford Anderson (Damian Spinelli)• Adrian Alvarado (Cruz Rodriquez)• Derk Cheetwood (Max Giambetti)• Richard Gant (Russell Ford)• Wendy Braun (Ms. Sneed)

WHY THE HELL IS STEVE BURTON ON THIS SHOW? WHY?! TELL ME WHY!

I know that they are wading into unfamiliar territory with the whole newfangled hospital setting that they have going on here that doesn't exist on the mothership, so I can see why they'd want to cling onto something that they know and love but for the love of Courtney's snowglobe, there is no reason that a person should be on every single episode of a show that airs five days a week, 52 weeks a year and then appear on the spinoff of that show. No earthly reason. Unless this is all a ploy for ABC Daytime and the GH brass to drive me to an asylum. If it is, that's fine. I'm not offended. But don't take innocent people down in your attempt to drive me crazy! It's not right!

- Promising Ingénue

Worst Diction in Daytime

It's not my birthday, but you'd never know it, because today during Sonny's "your actions have consequences" speech to Michael (Sonny rounds out his rap sheet by committing every crime in existence, with the final addition of felonious hypocrisy), he said both "munnipellate" and "dee'-vorce."  Hee!  I'm totally taking that as a shout-out.

This is completely unrelated, but their scene in the elevator today got me thinking . . . How hot would Greg Vaughn and Kelly Monaco be together?  Lucky and Sam need to find out the big secret about Liz's pregnancy (oops, is that a spoiler?  have they mentioned it on the air yet?) and bond over how heartbroken they are.  This kind of bonding will require Lucky to be shirtless.

- Evil But Twinless

Best Reaction Ever

Okay, I'm a well-documented anti-fan of Sonny and Carly version 21.0, but if it brings about more moments like this I could get on board.  Their reaction to Michael finally opening the basement door yesterday was priceless:

At long last, they look at that child with the contempt he's earned.   It took his stupid attempt at mimicking The Parent Trap (did we not learn any lessons from what happened to Lindsay Lohan after she tried that?  and she actually did it well!) to do it, but whatever the impetus, they're finally cluing in that they co-parent the freakiest kid in town.   Next lesson?  Why the Mafia Is Bad:  A Primer.

Screencap courtesy of Clarissa.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Most Accurate Dialogue

Jax, referring to himself, Carly, and Sonny: Ah yes, the perpetual triangle.  It gets a little tiresome after a while, you know?

Word up, Jasper.

Amelia, referring to Jax, Carly, and Sonny: It sounds like Carly is hopelessly hung up on Sonny.  And again, this is just me, but I can't understand any woman in her right mind picking a gangster over one of the good guys.

That kind of logic has no place in Port Charles, missy.  But in honor of your truth-telling and attempts to scuttle Jax and Carly's 17th attempted reunion, we pledge to no longer derogatorily refer to your portrayer's forehead.  At least for a little while. In other accurate dialogue news, I would like a "Your mommy issues trump my daddy issues" t-shirt, please.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Sami:  So what, you expect me to just kiss him to death?
Celeste:  In a manner of speaking.
Sami:  What's in there?
Celeste:  Tonight lipstick, but tomorrow I'll add an ingredient.
Sami:  Poison.
Celeste:  A very effective narcotic.  Now look, before you put this lipstick on, I want you to put on as much lip balm as you possibly can.  That way, the drug will stay out of your system; it won't be absorbed into the skin.
Sami:  And he'll just die, when I kiss him?
Celeste:  Fall asleep, and stay that way.
Sami:  For how long?
Celeste:  Long enough for our purposes.
Sami:  Long enough for me to what, slit his throat?  Is that what you're thinking?  Don't even answer that.  I can't do it.  I'm sorry Celeste, but I cannot just stand there and watch someone die.  Not even E.J.
Celeste:  You won't have to watch at all, Samantha.  Neither one of us has to witness the actual moment of death to be certain that Elvis will spend all of eternity roasting.  We just want to give him a little head start.
Sami:  What do you mean?
Celeste:  By burning the cabin itself to the ground, of course, with E.J. inside.

This really doesn't need any commentary, as its abject stupidity is apparent on its face, but I don't want other people's poor writing to make our purpose here at Serial Drama obsolete, so let's dive right in, shall we?