Serial Drama

(Friday's) Dumbest Dialogue

POP QUIZ

If you were thinking of procreating, who would be the ideal father for your child?

(a) a police officer who is committed to living a clean and healthy life and not going back to painkillers

(b) a mafia hitman who kills people in cold blood in exchange for pay

If you answered (a), you're wrong! And you also probably suffer from severe mental defects: we're sorry to hear that.

The writers' insistence that Jason is the most glorious person in the glorious history of glorious people is even more glaring than usual these days, which is saying something, since most of the dialogue over the past decade has consisted of asserting Jason's rightful place on the Top People Of All Time, Ever list, just behind Jesus, Gandhi, Queen Elizabeth and Abraham Lincoln. Word has it that Guza was pissed that Honest Abe beat out the Holy Hitman.

Make Some Donuts in Her Honor

Warning, humor-free post ahead . . . Apparently Frances Reid has fallen quite ill and will no longer be appearing on Days of Our Lives.  She has been playing Alice Horton for a staggering 43 years, since the first episode.  We wish this lovely daytime matriarch good health.

From the Stolen Mail Bag: Questions for GH Writers

Dear General Hospital writing team,

I love your show!  I watch it every day.  But I have a few questions:

• Is Liz pregnant?
• Is Liz pregnant with Jason's baby?
• Is Liz's husband excited about the baby?
• Is Liz torn about being pregnant with Jason's baby?
• Is Jason angsty about Liz being pregnant with his baby?
• Is it appropriate to berate cancer patients?
• Is Spinelli a computer dork?
• Is Lulu popular with the fellas?
• Did Lulu have an abortion?
• Was Sam involved in some kind of altercation a few years back with a man who yelled a lot?
• Is Sam unable to have children?
• Do Sonny and Carly have a history together?
• Does Sonny claim to love Carly?
• Is Carly wary of Sonny's claim that he loves her?
• Is Sonny in the mob?

If you could not only reply to my letter with the answers to these questions, but also incorporate them into the show almost every day, I think that would be really helpful, not to mention interesting for viewers.  TIA!

Sincerely,

Viewer With Severe Head Injury That Prevents Retention of Information on a Day-to-Day Basis

P.S.  I checked with every other General Hospital viewer on the planet, almost all of whom do not have severe head injuries and who can retain information on a day-to-day basis, and they wouldn't co-sign this request.  Isn't that weird?  By the way, is Liz pregnant with Jason's baby?

- Evil But Twinless

Unacceptable! Days of Our Lives Week in Review

While the day-to-day writing on Days has improved immensely, the storylines have stopped moving forward with any regularity, and a number of unacceptable things are happening.  These unacceptable occurrences include:

• How unbelievably hot James Scott is despite the fact that E.J. is a felonious nutjob.  (Also unacceptable is that as a result, I am starting to understand how people are fans of Sonny on GH.)

Let's Have a Moment of Silence

Today's episode of The Young and the Restless was the most tragic in recent memory. Every second, from beginning to end, was harrowing.

TRAGEDY

 

I can say with absolute certainty that this show is going to be empty without Victoria Rowell. Who else will be heartbreakingly fierce? Who else will be adventurous with hats and headwraps? Who else will store their cell phones in their cleavage?

 

I hope everybody who works for this show feels guilty about not giving Ms. Rowell the respect she deserves just for being awesome. Sure, she deserves respect for being an outstanding actress, for carrying the show for most of the past year and for refraining from vomiting all over Christel Khalil, but she mostly deserves it for being awesome. We'll miss you, Victoria!

My Brain Hurts

Watching General Hospital has started to send me on a spiral of self doubt: have I lost my grip on sanity by continuing to watch it? Am I really horrible at life in general since I don't have a job as a soap opera executive producer and Jill Farren Phelps does and if she can do it, a monkey can, so why am I not doing it, am I more useless than a monkey? Is James Scott not returning my calls because he heard through the grapevine that I have conversations with my television?

It's not a fun way to live.

I also start to wonder if the things I like on the show itself are actually good, or if they are just comparatively good because the rest of the show is so tragically, relentlessly bad. Like, is Emily actually smart because she was suspicious about Robin and Nikolas falling in love, or is she only smart compared to the dweebs that run rampant in Port Charles? Do Maxie and Cooper actually rule in myriad ways, or am I so starved of romance on this show since Robin and Patrick broke up for heinously contrived reasons that I am just latching onto them? I don't know! I'm so confused!

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Liz, to Jason: I feel like a hypocrite because I promised you that this child would be better off with me and Lucky because our lives are safer but now I've just realized that Lucky's job is almost as dangerous as yours.

!!!

Okay, the GH writers have just completely lost their minds now.  Jason is a MOBSTER.  In the MAFIA.  Also known as ORGANIZED CRIME.  He is a HITMAN.  He KILLS PEOPLE FOR MONEY.  His "job" is killing people and keeping other killers from killing him and the guy he works for.  I don't know what the rest of his "job" is because despite making it clear that they are mobsters these writers with their f'ed up scruples also always want us to know Sonny and Jason aren't involved in drugs, or prostitution, or pretty much anything else that by definition they would have to be involved with, but the big part of Jason's job is KILLING PEOPLE FOR MONEY.  He has been shot like seventeen times already.  He is in serious danger every single day.

On the other hand, yes, police officers are often in some danger.  But Lucky is a detective, first of all, not on patrol, and plus . . . well, I don't even need a "plus," because JASON IS A HITMAN!  For god's sake, how delusional do you have to be to think that the danger associated with being a paid mafia hitman and a detective are THE SAME?  I don't even mind if they put Liz with Jason, but this lazy writing is how they'll get there?  This show is so messed up, I can't even handle it. Oh, but the Maxie/Coop kiss was hot.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue - Yes, GH Again

I couldn't decide between this and the Jax/Carly nonsense.

Nikolas, to Alexis:  I love you.  You're the only family I have, other than Spencer. 

That would be Nikolas, son of Laura, brother of Lucky and Lulu, grandson of Leslie, cousin of Sam and Kristina and Molly . . . I just give up.  Clearly the writers have.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I thought the week-long argument over countertop surfaces was going to be the low point in the regrettable pairing of Jax and Carly, but no, now we're being subjected to Jax re-wooing Carly.  Jax, who left town for a few weeks to help a family member in need, having to re-woo his fiance Carly, the woman who while he was out of town MARRIED and slept with her ex.  I just . . . who am I supposed to root for here?  They've destroyed the character of Carly to the point where I could not care less if she's happy, and the fact that Jax is pining after her and basically begging her to come back to him is making me hate him too (and I'm a Jax fan from way back).  What is wrong with this show?  Anyway, the day's dumbest dialogue:

Jax, to Carly: Am I disappointed you slept with Sonny?  Yes I am.  Am I angry?  Am I hurt?  All of the above.  Does it make me love you any less?  Absolutely not.  You say it’s over with you and Sonny and I want to believe that.

Oh lord, where to begin?  The dumbness has so many levels:

The Dull and the Circular (Haired)

I know that this is from last week, but the image of it haunts my every waking moment. Again, I ask: why?

I'm not entirely convinced that this show has been airing different episodes for the past few weeks. It all blends together. No plots are being advanced. There's still a Senate race between two woefully inappropriate candidates (I love Jack like no other, but come on. And Nikki makes Jeannine Pirro look electable). JT hates Korbel and has turned stalkerish. Daniel is all about the porn. Nikki and Jack are running for the Senate. Korbel and Colleen are being stalked by JT (who hates them). Porn makes Daniel happy.

And so on. And so on.

So I haven't been paying full attention, but since the same thing is being repeated over and over (and over and over and cinnamon bun headed over), it's almost like I've been watching and taking notes on it.