The Day's Dumbest Dialogue
Sami: So what, you expect me to just kiss him to death?
Celeste: In a manner of speaking.
Sami: What's in there?
Celeste: Tonight lipstick, but tomorrow I'll add an ingredient.
Celeste: A very effective narcotic. Now look, before you put this lipstick on, I want you to put on as much lip balm as you possibly can. That way, the drug will stay out of your system; it won't be absorbed into the skin.
Sami: And he'll just die, when I kiss him?
Celeste: Fall asleep, and stay that way.
Sami: For how long?
Celeste: Long enough for our purposes.
Sami: Long enough for me to what, slit his throat? Is that what you're thinking? Don't even answer that. I can't do it. I'm sorry Celeste, but I cannot just stand there and watch someone die. Not even E.J.
Celeste: You won't have to watch at all, Samantha. Neither one of us has to witness the actual moment of death to be certain that Elvis will spend all of eternity roasting. We just want to give him a little head start.
Sami: What do you mean?
Celeste: By burning the cabin itself to the ground, of course, with E.J. inside.
This really doesn't need any commentary, as its abject stupidity is apparent on its face, but I don't want other people's poor writing to make our purpose here at Serial Drama obsolete, so let's dive right in, shall we?
1) Death by toxic lipstick. Are you f'ing kidding me? Is this a comic book? And there's a poison in the lipstick that's strong enough to knock a grown man out cold for some extended period of time, yet the wearer can be protected with some Blistex? Does the CIA know about this? We're moving back in time, quality-wise. Will they put E.J.'s corpse in a pinata? And then it will turn out he's not dead, he's just on his half-brother's magical island?
2) Why would you even need
to get so "fancy" as to poison lipstick? If you're just going to burn
the place and the body to the ground, drug his drink or chloroform him
or knock him out or stun gun him. Um, should I be worried that I
thought of all those possibilities, instantly, while actually watching
the scene? Yeah. Anyway, the lipstick thing is unnecessary, in
addition to being the dumbest thing on this show, since, I don't know .
. . Belle?
3) Ridiculousness of the intended method aside, you cannot have Sami plot to commit pre-meditated murder. Sami, much as the writers like to write her that way sometimes, is not a true villian. She's part of two of the core families on the show, she is a daughter and mother, and for 15 years she's been the girl with a [basically] good heart who cannot resist a stupid scam or revenge plot. But she's not a criminal mastermind, and she's never done anything close to plan to kill another person on purpose. (At least not when I was watching. And if she has, it wasn't okay then, either!)
Sami can't become a murderer. A soapy plotline would be if she accidentally or in self-defense killed E.J. (though I would suggest that would not be a good soapy plotline, since E.J. is one of the most interesting things to happen to this show in years) and had to deal with the fallout. But she can't plan to kill the guy just because he might have had especially determined sperm. And no matter how many times they have Sami say she was raped, that's not how they originally wrote that scene. So there's no vigilante justice angle here, either.
I know that on a certain show they've made an unrepentant murder-plotter and his hitman heroes and core characters, but why replicate that terrible example? It's not like the daytime community has rewarded that show's shift in direction with numerous Emmys and other plaudits. Oh, wait . . .
4) Why does anyone bother to plot to kill a DiMera? They cannot die. You could field a football team with just the people who plotted to kill -- or actually thought they had killed -- Stefano. It's futile to devise the demise of him or any of his spawn. Plus, this is Sami. When has one of her plans worked out, ever? How many times has she had a wedding dress on and ended the day a single woman? How many of her revenge or moneymaking schemes has backfired? And Celeste? She's the worst psychic ever! And she's got a couple of failed murder plots already under her belt. Let's call in the Keystone Cops to investigate this cluster so the ineptitude circle is complete. Oh, hang out, this is all in Salem PD's jurisdiction, so same difference.
5) And finally, most importantly: The powers that be are not allowed to kill off E.J. because James Scott is too damned hot and there are precious few interesting hot men left on soaps these days. Now that the world has begun to address the terrible problem of destruction of the rainforests, could we turn our attention to remedying the disappearance of another nonrenewable valuable natural resource, namely hot men on daytime who look great shirtless and have sexy accents? It's the least we can do for the planet.
- Evil But Twinless