The Dull and the Circular (Haired)
I know that this is from last week, but the image of it haunts my every waking moment. Again, I ask: why?
I'm not entirely convinced that this show has been airing different episodes for the past few weeks. It all blends together. No plots are being advanced. There's still a Senate race between two woefully inappropriate candidates (I love Jack like no other, but come on. And Nikki makes Jeannine Pirro look electable). JT hates Korbel and has turned stalkerish. Daniel is all about the porn. Nikki and Jack are running for the Senate. Korbel and Colleen are being stalked by JT (who hates them). Porn makes Daniel happy.
And so on. And so on.
So I haven't been paying full attention, but since the same thing is being repeated over and over (and over and over and cinnamon bun headed over), it's almost like I've been watching and taking notes on it.
(1) I'm pretty sure Lynn Marie Latham thinks we're all...slow. Like, we just won't be able to grasp the full brilliance of her oh-so complex plots unless she spells it out at a third grade level.
Because, really. The nonstop flashbacks. Honestly. Uncle! I cry uncle. It's getting to the point that the non flashback portion of the show is going to become shorter than the opening credits. I'm pretty sure that one of last week's episodes (which one? I don't know) ended with a flashback of something that happened in the first five minutes of the show. We get it! Like, Colleen and the professor were making out. You want to know how I know it? Because I saw it. The first time it happened. And then I heard Colleen tell Lily about it. Then I saw her flashback to it. Then Adrian flashed back to it. Then Sharon told Brad about it. And there was another flashback. And then Colleen told Lily about it again and Lily acted like she had never heard it before. Note to LML--we're not all like Lily; most of us are capable of breathing with our mouths closed and speaking in full sentences.
(2) David: No. We need to stay away from references to Nikki's appearance. It comes off as condescending.
I felt condescended to just by the way he read that line. How could Vincent Irrizarry say that without collapsing in a heap of giggles? The man hasn't been anything but smarmy and condescending since, like, 1987. Which, incidentally, is the last time Don Diamont could move his face.
(3)Speaking of Don Diamont: why has he suddenly become the center of the show? Has the world learned nothing since the last time a square headed man played an arrogant, judgmental douchebag with no respect for the women in his life?
(4)Brad cutting Colleen off financially was just about ridiculous. It's not like she could possibly get money from the uncle who adores her and stood up for her against her creepy father. Or her mother, who is a billionaire. Because it's not like she's an heiress or anything. Shut up, Brad.
(5)No, seriously, shut up, Brad.
Brad: Did you know that my daughter has been using your house to sneak around with Adrian Korbel?
Jack: No, I didn't. But surely, you don't expect me to babysit my grown niece 24/7?
Brad: No, just let her do whatever she wants, Jack, even if it ruins her life.
Jack: Don't be ridiculous. I care about Colleen. You can't control her life. She's not a child. She's going to make her own decisions.
Brad: Well, I would like to know what is going on in her life before she does!
Jack: Maybe if you weren't so damn judgmental, you'd know more.
WORD, Jack. I know that we're supposed to think Jack is evil and therefore wrong and possibly guilty of child neglect in not forcing Colleen to wear a chastity belt and be indoors before sundown, but seriously. Brad sucks.
You know who isn't allowed to be judgmental? A man who poolboyed his way into his fortune, who spent most of the 80s in a Speedo, who treats his wife like a child, who was engaged to his wife's mother a decade ago, who married someone for her money, who cheated on his then-wife with her best friend while the then-wife had cancer, who lied about his identity for 20 years, who killed a man with his thighs, who is incapable of moving his overly tanned face. That kind of man.
(6) Did anyone else burst out laughing during Sharon and Colleen's scene together?
Colleen: Okay, okay, okay, I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that he's too old, we're not right for each other. Trust me, I've heard it. My mom calls me every single day just to tell me, but do you know what it's like to love somebody and not be able to be with them?
Sharon: I do, but-
Coll, Sharon's thing in life is being in love with people who aren't available. Like your dad, for instance. And Diego. And remember when she kissed Victor? You're pretty much preaching to the choir here.
(7) Why does Victoria Rowell have to leave? Please don't leave, Vicki. Please. I need your awesome wardrobe and myriad hairstyles to get me through this hard time. Please stay. For me?
Korbel: So what is this, your third meal here today?
J.T.: I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Are you following me around with a calculator or something?
Does JT seriously think one needs a calculator to count to three? That's tragic.
(9)Is it just me, or has Phyllis lost her acid tongue? I guess that is an occupational hazard when you become a Newman. Because some of her snaps today were just weak. "I'm fresh out of barf bags"? Honey, what has happened to you? I know you're sparring with Sharon, who sits at the same lunch table as Lily and JT, but you can do better. I know you can. Props to Michelle Stafford for making that line sound as menacing and bitchy as possible. Granted, that meant it was as menacing and bitchy as a villain on an episode of The Fairly Oddparents, but she tried!
(10)Is anyone planning on telling Nina that she didn't actually marry Philip Chancellor III? And that Philip IV isn't actually the Chancellor heir? I'm thinking that somebody probably should, although that will just make Nina wonder how the real Philip is actually, like, a decade younger than her Philip and nobody wants to think about that particular plot hole...
- Promising Ingénue