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« Are You Kidding Me?!?! | Main | Genoa City's Next Top British Guy »

April 25, 2007

Cage Match Style

There was a time following Sharon's divorce from Nick when she RULED. She waltzed around town being snarky and assertive and awesome.
And then as quickly as it came, Sharon went back to being the nitwit we knew and...knew for the past decade. Why? What happened?! Is she mourning the disappearance of Dru? Did she experience head trauma? If it's the former, I totally understand, because the show just isn't the same without Dru and her fierceness and isn't it a little off how everyone in town is so willing to accept that she's dead, even though they didn't find a body? If it's the latter, I'm disappointed because it seems to disprove the notion I've had that weaves can protect a person from head injury, a lesson I learned from Rebecca's fainting spell on America's Next Top Model and if Tyra leads me astray, who can I trust?!
Either way, something huge happened that robbed Sharon of her newfound sense and coolness, because she's married to the amazing Jack Abbott and is still mooning over Brad Carlton. Jack is about a billion times better than Brad. At least. Everything about Brad is awful.
Let's do a head to head comparison, shall we? Because, to quote a wise man, cage matches work; why wouldn't they? If they didn't work, everybody would still be at the bottom of the cage.

JACK "DREAMBOAT" ABBOTT

PORTRAYED BY: 3-time Emmy winner Peter Bergman
OCCUPATION:
  • Partner in NVP
  • Owner of Jabot (in secret)
  • Candidate for Wisconsin State Senate

    WEALTH:
    Extreme: an heir to the Abbott fortune

    MARITAL STATUS:
    Just married to Sharon Newman in an ADORABLE private ceremony in the living room at the Abbott Estate with her son Noah as best man

    CHILDREN:
    Keemo (MIA, never mentioned); Kyle (ibid); Summer (I'm holding out hope and will hold out hope until I see another DNA test!)

    "EW FACTOR" OF CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
    Sharon is the ex-wife of his former stepson, Nick

    WILLINGNESS TO SHOW EMOTION:
    High: unafraid to bust out the man tears

    ADDICTION(S):
    Attempting to best Victor Newman; hair product

    CRIMES RECENTLY COMMITTED:
    Taking advantage of mentally disoriented father in order to rewrite his father's will to ensure Gloria was left nothing; taking advantage of mentally disoriented Victor Newman in order to buy Jabot; buying Jabot despite lawsuit settlement stipulating that he can never work for Jabot in any capacity; stealing my heart
  • BRAD "BOT" CARLTON

    PORTRAYED BY:
    2-time Playgirl cover model Don Diamont

    OCCUPATION:
    Some sort of executive at Newman Enterprises

    WEALTH:
    High; married long line of heiresses and wealthy women
  • MARITAL STATUS:
    Married to the spineless schoolmarm figure masquerading as Victoria Newman who agreed to stay married to him despite the fact that he cheated on her approximately days after they got married

    CHILDREN:
    Colleen (who he cut off from all of her money because he disapproves of her relationship with her professor); Abby (adopted daughter who is currently in LA with her mother); expecting a baby with Victoria

    "EW FACTOR" OF CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
    Victoria is the daughter of his former fiancee, Nikki

    WILLINGNESS TO SHOW EMOTION:
    Nil: seemingly unable to physically express emotion due to either excessive Botox or the medical condition dead inside-itis

    ADDICTION(S):
    Golddigging; douchebaggery; tanning

    CRIMES RECENTLY COMMITTED:
    Lying about past for decades; identity theft; use of thighs as deadly weapon; murder

    ***

    Come ON, Sharon! Jack is so obviously the better choice! It's not even a contest. Brad sucks! Please don't annul your marriage so you can be single and moon over a man who is married and expecting a baby and is content with staying in a creepy loveless marriage and obsessing over you from afar! Please, Sharon! Stay an Abbott and regain the awesome. I'm begging you.

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