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« Fashion Emergency: America Needs Our Help! | Main | Coming to a Monitor Near You: Night Shift Recaps »

April 21, 2007

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Promising Ingénue has already brilliantly captured why Sam's "suddenly a talk show host on account of being heroic...ish during the hostage crisis" storyline is so ridiculous, so I haven't felt the need to rant about that.  But Friday it hit a new low.  A big stage light on the set of the stupid-ass talk show that nobody in real life would ever watch almost fell on Sam.  Amelia saw it about to happen (probably because it will turn out she rigged it), and she yelled at Sam to "LOOK OUT!."  Sam did.  The light did not fall on her.  Amelia said:

Amelia:  I swear, you've proved again that you are the stuff that heroes are made of.

No, she hasn't!  The natural instinct to flinch and duck is not heroic!  Someone screamed at her to look out and she did.  That's not heroism, that's basic comprehension skills.  I think we finally know why this storyline is such a cluster.  The writers don't actually know what "hero" means.  Hey, wait, this explains why mobsters are the heroes of this show!  It's suddenly so clear to me.  And now I can finally wake GH viewers from our long, national nightmare:  Here you go, writers! You're welcome.

- Evil But Twinless


Considering GH's definition of "hero" here are some likely future story points....

1.) Michael blows on his mug of hot chocolate at Kelly's....Carly smiles at her plasticised mother Bobbie and says "He is a hero just like his daddy and Uncle Jason. Cooling off his warm drink to protect his tongue. He is so heroic saving his tongue from a possible scorching. He'll need it to be as vicious and vile as me someday." Bobbie nods in happy agreement.

2.) Jason walks Liz and Cameron home from the docks, signaling to his enemies that there are two more innocents to threaten as a way to control St. Jasus. Once inside her new newlywed home Liz-"You're my hero Jason. Carrying that toy you bought my son all the way here. You are so big and strong. And lying to everyone about this baby's paternity? You are the most heroic and loving honest man on earth. Even though I married Lucky again last week, I fall deeper in love with you every day." Jason says all he wants is for her and the baby to be safe and leaves teary eyed. I'm I supposed to swoon for this drivel BS?

3.) Coop tells Maxi how he is being fast tracked into the PCPD. He tells her she's a hero for stealing the entrance test from her father, Mac. Maxi tells Coop he is her hero for shooting Alcazar's man who held her hostage. HELLO! Coop is a serious hottie and if Maxie would eat something I would be able to enjoy her too, crap story aside. But stealing from the man who raised you alone and loves and supports you with endless conviction? NOT HEROIC, slimey and disrespectful not to mention illegal?!?!?!? And didn't Coop hold her hostage too? Working for the loon who nearly killed her cousin Robin? Coop's shot was lucky and could have killed Maxie easy.

4.)Jax FINALLY watches Carly sign the divorce papers and agree to marry him AGAIN. Jax-"You're my hero Carly. Leaving your fourth marraige to Sonny and agreeing to marry me once more, you are so brave and beautiful. I love you Carly." It's like the back of a kid's cereal box. How many things are wrong with that picture???? I see at least five! Why is Jax a complete loser too now?

5.) Sam is at GH waiting to see Dr. Lee once again. Emily sees her and says hello. Emily-"I'm proud of you Sam. You and your new show are gonna save alot of lives. Great work." OK. Sam is a con artist and killer. Her "heroics" at the MC began with her turning a five minute robbery into a 12 hour hostage murder explosion crisis by hitting a panic button to what? Protect Jason's interests in whatever Lorenzo had in that silly briefcase? Then instead of staying and trying to help she escapes pre explosion to warn the cops of what they already know?

Here are some basic words GH doesn't understand.

1.) Hero
2.) Honesty
3.) Mobster, organized crime...
5.) Continuity
6.) BRA
7.) Sexy, endless Carho and Sam and barely any Scrubs love scenes?
8.) Romance
10.) Ric Lansing, screwy lovable flawed husband or psychotic criminal evil to women and family, especially when fighting cancer?

Where is our sacred desperately needed mystery writer? Why can't he/she be replicated to save GH? Sam's boobs are more heroic than her. They could be used as flotation devices in a drowning scenario. Craig is my hero. He brutally and comically punched my adorable Patty's perfect face over and over. Yet miraculously in the next scene Patrick's beauty has not been harmed. Now that's heroic, no miraculous!!!!! Who cares as long as his face is preserved in all it's glory.

Evil, thank you so much for sparing us any further pain by informing the other writers (not Awesome Writer, of course) what the definition of a hero is. Yet, somehow I feel they may take the definition of a sandwich and ignore the rest.

Sarah, I agree with you whole heartedly. And what Craig did was miraculous. You have no idea how relieved I was that Patrick's face was okay.

BTW, Evil, you are my hero!

Aw, thanks! You know I have to shoot you in the head now though, right?

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