GH: The Week in Quotes
I used to feel like GH had the big storylines and then the little storylines. The big storylines took up about 86% of the show's time on the air, and the little storylines were dumped in the remaining 14%. The big storylines (like: the ongoing and uninteresting mob wars, the secret of Jake's paternity and CraigJerryJerryCraig, for example (Hey, those all revolve in some way around Jason and Sonny! Quelle coincidence!) always sucked, but I felt like the little stories (Robin and Patrick, anything involving the Quartermaines) were better.
I was wrong. The entire show blows. I am going to let the show's stellar dialogue speak for itself.
Robin: Huh -- did that just happen?
Epiphany: What, you mean did three gorgeous women just come in here and snake your man? Sure looks like it. Ah.
Shut up Epiphany. Just...shut up. Nobody asked you! Why has nobody hauled off and smacked this woman? For all of her bitching and moaning about how much the rest of the hospital staff can't leave their personal problems at home, all I have ever seen her do is loudly get in their faces about their personal lives. Plus, she is doing a job that Bobbie really should be doing. Since, you know, Jackie Zeman is on contract and has also been on this show for 30 years. But this wouldn't be General Hospital if we weren't disrespecting veteran cast members, so of course they created Epiphany with the sole purpose of annoying me. I swear, they were going for Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy and took away all of her humanity, humor, warmth and ability to use an indoor voice.
Epiphany: Look, the last place that I want to be is in the middle of your personal drama. [Lying liar who lies! --ed.]
Elizabeth: Oh -- no, just -- just tell me. What?
Epiphany: I think that you have been blessed with a healthy baby boy, and how you want to raise him -- and with who -- is none of my business.
Then why are you going out of your way to make it your business, you obnoxious shrew?! ?!?!?
She is truly my nemesis.
The other thing that completely irritated me about the Robin/Epiphany/Patrick/three girls scene is that the three patients Patrick (hotly) treated were supposed to be played by Holly, Kendra and Bridget of The Girls Next Door. Kendra is a huge sports fan and a fan of LaDainian Tomlinson. It's truly better for us all if I do not tell you how I know this. So they specifically wrote lines for a random "celebrity" guest star, but they can't be bothered to remember that Nikolas has family in Port Charles besides Alexis.
This effing show.
Kate: Well, your mood has dramatically changed since taking that call. What did you do, order a hit?
"So this is love, this is what makes love divine, I'm all aglow..."
Oh, Kate! You rule! You are a stone cold bitch, you turn Diane into a squealing fangirl and you are played by the impeccable Megan Ward, who I have adored ever since she broke Bailey's heart on Party of Five. I will not hold out hope that you will continue to loathe Sonny, because I've watched this show and know how the story with Sonny goes, but for now, your quips about him and Carly make me happy.
Sonny: And guess what -- I didn't have to change my name to make it happen.
Oh, snap! Good one, Sonny! Man, you are so right, name changing is the root of all evil. I'm so glad that in your busy life of stealing, thieving and murdering that you never had to stoop so low as to change your name. You are a man of true moral fiber.
Tracy: Alan, just because you're dead doesn't mean you know everything. You sit there in that ridiculous jogging suit -- as if you jog anywhere -- and you judge and criticize me.
Alan: First of all, do not knock my jogging suit, it's very comfy. And secondly, I have to tell you I am haunting you for your own good -- you need to heed. Your lowlife husband will do anything, break any law in order to gain guardianship of laura. Do not allow him to suck you into a life of crime.
Was this a shout out to us?!?!?! Probably not, but you know, in the midst of this ridiculous Ghost Alan and "Scott wants to be Laura's guardian" story, I need to take what I can get, and I am taking that as a shout out.
Seriously, though, I wonder if Scotty caught a recent marathon of I Love the 70s on VH1 and was like, "Hey, I really do love the 70s! Those were some good times. I think I love them so much that I want to be Laura's guardian! Despite the fact that I am a criminal and was a fugitive for a while. Yeah. Good plan, Baldwin. Good plan".
Spinelli: My lips are zipped. But, you know, I have -- I have to point out that as your -- as your grasshopper and trusted wingman, it is -- it's heartening to see that the stone cold one can still fulfill the duties of his job, even while he's still dealing with his secret pain --
That's enough, Spinelli.
You know, the quirky nicknames and related Spinelli...ness wouldn't be so bad if they only came about every once in a while. But Spinelli gets far, far too much screentime. That airtime could go to Coop and Maxie. Or Georgie. Or paint drying. Plus, you know. He's a creepy stalker.
And seriously? Seriously? It's INSPIRATIONAL to see Jason take time out of his busy moping schedule to KILL A PERSON? What? WHAT?
Ric: When was the last time that you saw him?
Skye: Last night.
So I know that we know that Lorenzo is dead and not just missing, but why on earth is Ric obsessing over Lorenzo being "missing"? He's a grown man who has been gone for a few hours. Is that really a cause for alarm? Because not to worry you or anything, but I haven't seen Detective Rodriguez in a while. I hope he hasn't been murdered!
For all Ric knows, Lorenzo could have gotten really hungry during a Sonic commercial and taken a road trip to Pennsylvania for a sonic blast since there is NO SONIC ANYWHERE else in the northeast. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Nikolas: What? Emily, he -- he poisoned me, framed you, and -- and I can't deny that -- that the guy's creative, which segues me into my next question -- what's next? What -- what torture is your brother dreaming up next, huh? Perhaps toothpicks under the fingernails? What, while Jax here, everyone's B.F.F., Is protecting him.
Um, first of all, Nik, everyone knows that Jill is everyone's BFF.
And secondly, huh? Did they just get an internet hookup at Wyndemere? Who says that out loud? I know there are bigger issues to have with this entire storyline, but...what's next? "Oh no, you didn't" complete with finger snaps? Deeming Carly's wardrobe choices "wack"?
Sam: Well, it's about you, me, your beautiful little baby boy, and what ties us all together.
Is Sam going to go crazy due to the Jake secret? I kind of hope so, because that would at least be more entertaining that watch her passive aggressively go after Liz and Jason. Plus, I think that Kelly Monaco would make a pretty awesome crazy, but that's just me. Maybe there will be a huge caper and it will end with Cameron saving the day! That would be fantastic. Lucky would be in the background all, "So Sam says that Jason is Jake's father, but I don't know what she means by that..."