I Feel So Smart!
While I am vehemently anti-history education on my soaps, I do have to admit that they teach me a lot about the way the world works. From what's in fashion (babushkas) to the proper way to interact with members of society (berating cancer patients is a-okay), it's like GH has opened my eyes to a whole new set of social norms.
The last two episodes have been quite helpful!
(1)It's okay to overshare with your boss. All this time, I've been answering my boss's query about how my weekend was with a standard "It was good, thank you". I didn't know that I was supposed to sit him down and give him a recap of my entire romantic history. He must think I'm hiding something since I haven't been forthcoming with all of those details!
Sam: Yeah, I know, tell me about it. Jason thought he was protecting me. He thought he was protecting me by walking out of my life, and I fought him. I begged, I told him I wasn't afraid, but he had already made up his mind, so you know what? I got really angry, and I got really drunk, and I slept with my stepfather.
Fivehead: The D.A.?
Sam: Yes, the D.A., Ric Lansing --Jason's sworn enemy. And I suppose if you asked a shrink, that they would say I was being self-destructive, I suppose. Anyway, Jason came to find me, and he found Ric and I together, so he turned around and slept with Elizabeth Spencer -- never mind that she was married to Lucky -- now she's pregnant. Boom -- instant family. That's it, done.
I did so enjoy having Fivehead back for this, though. She had the most hilarious expression of feigned supportiveness, curiosity, horror and amusement. It's like the face I make when I watch The Hills. Fake Amelia would have just been staring at Sam like she was going to eat her brains. Love to love you, Fivehead.
But seriously, Sam, what the hell is with the oversharing? I know she was drunk and heartbroken, but...there are certain things you just don't tell your boss. I guess we should be grateful that she didn't go all out and tell her about how she threw up and wiped her mouth with her shirt and put the shirt back on and wore it around for the rest of the day after sleeping with her stepfather. So she does have some boundaries, at least.
Whatever happened to Sam's budding friendship with Maxie? Um, hello, Sam, if you needed to get drunk and vent to someone, Maxie is, like, the best person in Port Charles to do it with and ALSO the best person to have on your side for a twisted revenge scheme, especially when it comes to Liz. Oh, girl, you obviously got your smarts from your father's side.
(2)Radical plastic surgery is apparently commonplace. Who knew? I love that NOBODY is freaked out by Craig/Jerry's new face. Just, you know, a quick "Oh, you look different. Face transplant? Good times" mention at the beginning of the conversation and that's it. And here I am, taking time to get adjust when my friends color their hair.
Oh, but GH writers? "You can always steal more money and buy a new [face]" is not funny. I know Jax was being angry and sarcastic, but I know how you people work. So don't even think about it. Just don't. Because I can just see you people luring your next big star catch to the show with a "ground breaking and mind blowing" storyline and then you realize you need to tie them to the canvas, and then you're all "I know! Jerry got another new face. High five!"
I hate you in advance, GH writers.
(3) The fashion industry is totally the same as sleazy strip clubs. Sonny said it, so it must be true.
"What's the difference between paying gorgeous women to dance naked on a stage, or asking them to parade nearly naked on a runway wearing clothes that human beings wouldn't be caught dead in?"
Um, could the difference probably be that the fashion industry has fewer instances of you drugging teenage girls to strip in your club before blaming them for being molested as a child?
And I know couture is wacky, but I find all that talk rich coming from a man who parades around in an enormous tent.
Does anyone else find it hilarious that the latest tactic to "subtly" reinforce the notion that Sonny Corinthos is appealing in any way, shape or form is to talk about what he was like in high school? Hee! It cracks me up. "All the girls at Sacred Heart loved you...25 years ago". Hott!!!
(4) If you're an expert marksman, it's okay to shoot at somebody if you weren't trying to kill them. Just hurt them. Even if that somebody is HIV positive and also one of your brother's dearest friends (yes, dearest friends, I remember their friendship even if you don't, writers!).
What the hell, Jax? No, seriously, what the hell?
Is he in denial? Is he mentally challenged? Is this what happens when bad writers create bad storylines without giving a second thought to motivation or the effect that a character has on other characters? Or is it seriously like, "Eh, he was only trying to wound Robin. I mean, the girl was kidnapped when she was, like, eight, and she lost her first love and she thought she lost her parents, so getting shot in the stomach is a walk in the park for her. She survived, it's okay"?
(5)When you're breaking someone's heart by allowing another man to raise their son, the kindest thing you can do is constantly remind them of their sacrifice.
Hey, Jacob Martin? Your mom's an asshole.
Honestly, this whole storyline is making me feel bad for Jason, which (a)ew and (b)is exactly what the writers want me to do, so I've yet again fallen for one of their traps (curse you people!). I mean, the man is having a hard time giving up his son and has a box devoted to the pain of not being a part of the kid's life, so let's subtly name the child in his honor and help stalk the freaking kid with video cameras. Because the smartest thing to do is emotionally torture the man who always carries a gun. He could just haul off and shoot someone randomly. And what if he doesn't have a tarp with him when he does that? Huh? Think about that, Liz and Spinelli. Your actions could have tragic consequences!
So how long do we think it's going to take for Lucky to clue in and realize that the baby is actually Jason's? I'm guessing...a week after someone explicitly tells Lucky the truth. I love him, but he should really be participating in scientific studies.