Nothing About This is Okay
I wonder what goes on when the GH writers get together to map out storylines. I envision Bob Guza regaling the staff with tales of movies he saw recently and how to best incorporate their plots onto the show, writers doing Rock Paper Scissors to see what couple they're going to break up that week (reason and sense be damned!), and the muffled sounds of Awesome Writer banging furiously on the door of the closet he's locked in, wailing, "Check your facts, you ingrates! Laura was MARRIED to Scott when she was raped. A freaking moose would be more capable and creative than you are!"
Of course, this is assuming that the writers actually do get together to map out storylines. Part of me suspects that Bob Guza hastily writes scripts on his Blackberry (when he's not staring dreamily at a poster of Steve Burton) the morning scenes are being filmed...
What I am getting at is that this show is terrible and, truly, I feel that a moose would be an excellent addition to the behind the scenes team.
I understand the urge to not tax your mind by thinking or being creative and taking the easy way out. I don't condone it and I think that if you aren't good at creative writing, you should probably be doing something besides writing for a living, but I can see why someone would think that constantly ripping off a successful writer is better than taking the time to write something new. Something new that, judging from the show's original storylines, would surely suck something fierce.
But seriously, people. SERIOUSLY. Enough is enough. We have Kate Howard in The Devil Wears Prada, the mob follies sullying the good name of The Departed and now Jerry's turn from doofus to evildoer is a direct ripoff of the story behind James Bond in the most recent crappy James Bond movie that stole hours of my time that I will never get back but, then again, I continue to give this crapfest of a show the best years of my life, so I guess my time isn't that precious to me after all.
Bob Guza told us that the explanation for Jerry becoming evil was going to be awesome. He promised! Nothing about this hellhole of a storyline is awesome:
- The ongoing assault on history and logic that I am still not over and will probably never be over, because I am an unpleasant person who holds grudges
- The gross way it is revolving around Carly because, honestly, if there is a non-Jason character who could stand to spend forty five minutes not onscreen, it's Carly
- The weirdness of nobody going crazy trying to get Emily off the hook for treason so, you know, they could get the psychopath out of their lives
- Sebastian Roche's complete inability to be onscreen without ferociously overacting
- The swift way that character of Jax has been completely destroyed, as opposed to the 89% destroyed level he had been floating around at for most of the past year.
- Jax's hair
I realize the above sentence could be used for any and all Jax-related happenings in recent times but, for the moment, I am most concerned with the fact that the stress of learning his brother is an evil terrorist madman has caused him to break with reality and fantasize about joining a boyband, and doing his hair appropriately whilst learning dance moves.
I wonder what Genie Francis ever did to the GH show-runners, because they seem to go out of their way to give her the bird at all times. "You think you're hot stuff with your Emmy nomination and place in pop culture history, don't you? And you're all 'I would definitely go back to the show' and we're like, 'Ew!' So watch this: we're going to tell a story about Laura without you! Take THAT and shove it up one of the home accessories you sell at your store".
I, for one, do not understand the need to revisit the rape storyline without Lulu being able to get her mother's reaction to it.
I also do not understand what has happened to Scott that he would so brutally put this out in the open and break the heart of Laura's daughter. Was he tortured alongside Jerry by a rogue group aiming to make all charming scoundrels completely despicable?
And, furthermore, I do not understand why anybody would allow Lainey to testify as an expert psychologist because she's in the running for Worst GH Doctor (Kelly, of course, still wins).
"I really have no business being in this story, but I'm on contract and they are paying me, so they need to trot me out every now and then. See you in August!"
And why the hell does Jason know about the rape? Why does Jason have to taint every single story on this show with his blank-eyed presence? WHY?!?!
Julie Marie Berman and Tony Geary have been predictably amazing in this story, but I wish that they got to be amazing in a story that isn't completely dreadful.
Finola Hughes is coming back this summer again. Guza says, "If Anna and Noah were to find, shall we say, common ground, how will their kids, Robin and Patrick, feel about their parents?"
I bet you $50 that we will never get the answer to that because all Anna related scenes will end up on the cutting room floor like the last time she was in Port Charles for three minutes when Guza dangled an Anna/Alcazar storyline in our faces and cruelly snatched it away in favor of Sonny debating whether or not take a pill.
Speaking of Sonny, his attempt to win the coveted Duh Face of the Year award continues to pick up steam
Reach for the stars, Michael Corinthos Jr.
I admit that I severely misjudged Maxie's extensions. The super straight look was unfortunate and made it look like they were still in the bag of weave she purchased, but the curls are great. And, of course, I am still loving Coop and Maxie. They're unbelievably pretty together and they're adorable in their quest to protect one another and I seriously think they are one of five good things to happen on this show in the last year.
I swear to all of you that if Logan's comment about how he'd be around once she got sick of Coop was the writing staff's "clever" attempt at foreshadowing a Maxie/Logan hookup, I will probably cause harm to myself or others. THAT IS NOT OKAY, GH WRITERS. I know that you, like, suck and everything so I shouldn't be surprised about this sneaking suspicion I have, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
And seriously, what the hell: who walks into a room where a friend has just had sex with someone , and that someone is still in bed and they just proceed to chill out there for a while?
They're called "boundaries" Logan.
How much did I love Liz's t-shirt?
It's so freaking cute! Becky Herbst needs to stop being as pretty and awesome as she is, or else she's going to negatively impact my self esteem.
As is Cameron, whose appearances I have found myself looking forward to more and more. He and Lucky playing hockey together the other day made me sqeual. I'm always eagerly anticipating who he'll give baby bitchface to next, and I am longing for the day when the adults around him realize that he's not just blithely playing games, he's listening to every word they say and he could totally write a tell-all book once he learns to read.