Serial Drama

My Response Would Start with "Restraining" and End With "Order"

Carly to Sonny, when she arrived home to find him in her living room: You know, you can't keep doing this.  I'm married now, we have to set boundaries.  You can't walk into my house anytime you please now that I'm married to Jax.

Sonny: If you don't want me to drop by, that's fine.  But, you've gotta answer your cell phone.  Cuz I called you like twelve/fifteen times and you never -

Carly: It died, okay?  It died.  I have to charge my phone.

He called 12-15 times?!  STALKER.  Am I supposed to find this romantic?  I don't even care that he was worried about her, that is just so wrong.  It's like in Swingers when Mike calls Nikki six times trying to leave a message on her machine, and each message gets progressively more disturbing.  It's sort of like that, except without the humor.  Or the great catchphrases (Sonny is so not money).  Or the swing dancing.  Or the hot pre-bloat Vince Vaughn.  So I guess it's not like that at all.  But thinking about Swingers after watching GH cheered me up, so there's that.

I love how Sonny's so seemingly reasonable about his creepiness.  "Listen, I will agree not to stop by your house totally unannounced and sneak inside to wait like a burglar for your return, if you will simply agree to answer at least every third of my dozen daily phone calls.  Why must you be so difficult?"  What an excellent bargain for the ex-wife!  If the whole mafia kingpin thing doesn't work out, Sonny could be a crazy good used car salesman.

I really wanted Carly to use my new favorite phrase and kick Sonny out while calling him a "faithless bitch."  I could not possibly care less about Lorenzo, but that was an awesome line.

Oh, and today's episode ended with yet another shoot-out.  Am I really supposed to be invested in these anymore? 

Expression Hall of Fame

So, the content of the scenes with a drunken Sam ranting to her boss about her hitman boyfriend being a secret babydaddy was absolute nonsense, but I have to say, Kelly Monaco plays a fantastic drunk.  She must be lots of fun in real life.  I want to hang out with her, sipping martinis while dishing the dirt about Dancing With the Stars and Steve Burton's hair.  (Whether we would discuss how pathetic and grody her character has become would be totally up to her.)

Having been inspired -- as I so often am by alcohol, and ballroom-dancing celebrities -- I hereby create the Serial Drama Expression Hall of Fame.  I retroactively induct Sam's Airquotes of Accuracy/Outrage:

Plus Liz's WTF is Sonny doing at Carly's wedding glance, and Alexis and Robin's "Max, why you so crazy?" quizzical looks from the same event.

And the latest inductee, Drunk Sam!

BRILLIANT.

Drop us an email with a screencap if you have a submission.  Any show, any era; we're equal opportunity kudos-givers just like we're equal opportunity mockers.

EMERGENCY EDIT!  Thanks to Lisa in the comments for reminding me of the expression after which our Expression Hall of Fame should be named!  I speak, of course, of Cameron's "bitch, please":

Objection!

I couldn't even call this the Day's Dumbest Dialogue, because it's way more than just a day's dose of dumb.  This whole storyline with Scott trying to get guardianship of the doll with a bad wig that we're supposed to pretend is Laura is about a decade's worth of stupid.

Tracy to Luke:  When Scott Baldwin gets in front of that judge, he's going to paint you as an angry, violent, out-of-control man.  . . . He's going to try to prove that you're a danger to Laura.  . . . He's going to bring in witnesses, and old newspaper articles, and make public the fact that you raped Laura when she was a teenager.  And this great love that you shared, the one that Lulu has been raised to idolize, will appear like a decades-long pattern of abuse.

Jane Elliot's delivery was amazing, and Tony Geary's reaction was really powerful, but I'm sure they would join me in asking:  What the hell is going on here?! This makes no sense! 

Why on earth would a court hear evidence about what a louse Luke is, when Nikolas is the one who is Laura's guardian?  Luke and Laura are divorced (sob!), and he has no legal relationship to her whatsoever.  Even if Nikolas didn't want or couldn't handle the responsibility of making Laura's decisions, she has two other children -- wouldn't they be more likely candidates for caring for her than Scott Baldwin?  In what universe would a court even consider taking away  guardianship, from a woman's son who has a history of doing nothing but supporting and taking care of her, and giving it to the guy she was married to when I still had my baby teeth?!  Seriously, they split up more than a quarter century ago!  The only time you should be dealing with the guy you married and divorced during the Carter Administration in a court of law is if you're getting a restraining order against him or you're opposing counsels in a wacky-but-heartwarming romantic comedy!

I Feel So Smart!

While I am vehemently anti-history education on my soaps, I do have to admit that they teach me a lot about the way the world works. From what's in fashion (babushkas) to the proper way to interact with members of society (berating cancer patients is a-okay), it's like GH has opened my eyes to a whole new set of social norms.

The last two episodes have been quite helpful!

(1)It's okay to overshare with your boss. All this time, I've been answering my boss's query about how my weekend was with a standard "It was good, thank you". I didn't know that I was supposed to sit him down and give him a recap of my entire romantic history. He must think I'm hiding something since I haven't been forthcoming with all of those details!

Sam: Yeah, I know, tell me about it. Jason thought he was protecting me. He thought he was protecting me by walking out of my life, and I fought him. I begged, I told him I wasn't afraid, but he had already made up his mind, so you know what? I got really angry, and I got really drunk, and I slept with my stepfather.

Fivehead: The D.A.?

Sam: Yes, the D.A., Ric Lansing --Jason's sworn enemy. And I suppose if you asked a shrink, that they would say I was being self-destructive, I suppose. Anyway, Jason came to find me, and he found Ric and I together, so he turned around and slept with Elizabeth Spencer -- never mind that she was married to Lucky -- now she's pregnant. Boom -- instant family. That's it, done.

Inappropriate!

I did so enjoy having Fivehead back for this, though. She had the most hilarious expression of feigned supportiveness, curiosity, horror and amusement. It's like the face I make when I watch The Hills. Fake Amelia would have just been staring at Sam like she was going to eat her brains. Love to love you, Fivehead.

Totally Confused

I've come to the conclusion that I am just not meant to understand The Young and the Restless. It's, like, Memento or something where you sort of get the gist of what's going on, but you couldn't explain it to someone else. "So there are these people and they live in Wisconsin, and they are all business people except when they want to get into politics and some of them are sociopaths and there's this guy and I don't even know if he's human..."

It's confusing. And it shouldn't be confusing! I should not come away from watching this show with so many questions. I might be a lot of things, but I and Velma ain't dumb, so I am thinking these might be faults of the writing staff and not my brain, which is a relief. If you have answers to any of the following, please let me know!

IS Y&R PRODUCED BY THE HISTORY CHANNEL?

After the debacle that was the reliquary storyline, I began to suspect that someone at PBS had a hand in the production of this show. And now they've ushered in this bizarre race for the senate storyline. It's like someone out there wants soaps to be...educational or something similarly evil. Daytime dramas are no place for book-learning!

Now, I could theoretically get behind a political storyline on a soap opera. If, you know, any of the characters involved had EVER IN THEIR LIVES hinted at wanting to run for office. I mean, all it took for Jack to sign on for a campaign was Victor suggesting it. "Get involved with something stressful, expensive and totally life-changing on a whim? Okay!"

I still don't even know where Nikki's urge to be a state senator came from, but the woman is steamrolling family, friends and other loved ones to win. As nice as it is for Nikki to do something other than repeat what Victor just said, I wish that we knew why she wants to be senator so badly that she is ruining the lives of her children in order to do so.

General Hospital Week in Review

So, Days is getting really good, which is great as far as being a viewer, but from the perspective of being a hypercritical blogger it's a real bummer.  Thank god GH did not disappoint and continued to, for the most part, suck.   

When I first started watching GH, I thought Sonny was an interesting character, and I thought Maurice Benard was one of the better actors in daytime.  (I also thought that shortalls were cute, but I think that was an anomaly and overall my judgment was sound.)  But lately--by which I mean pretty much this century--it's like he's on auto-pilot, rarely showing that old appeal, and he has tons of weird tics.  I would get into a rut too, if I had to recite this dreck on a daily basis.  Anyway, one such tic is that he over-enunciates and does these dramatic facial movements when Sonny is in Serious Mobster mode.  Here he is explaining that Jason has to kill Alcazar NOW:

and here he is talking about Alcazar's huge...EGO:

It's sort of Joker-esque.  If he could just embrace that vibe and kick the campiness up a few notches, I could totally become a fan again.  Can you imagine the hilarity of Sonny running around town spouting comic catchphrases?  "You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight, Jason?"  "Port Charles needs an enema!"

Days Week In Review: Surprisingly Good Soap!

Something has happened the last couple of weeks on Days of Our Lives.  After months of sluggish plots and frankly, almost nothing of interest happening, boom!  It got good.  Really good!  I can't capture all of the goodness, but I'll try to hit some highlights.

Breaking news!!! EJ is still hot.

EJ discovering Steve and Adrienne's wire and then talking to Kayla and Bo through it was great.  "Can you hear me now?"  Hee.  I love him.

Yes, he's evil and he tried to ruin Sami and Lucas' wedding,  but . . . so gorgeous.  It's distracting.

I did love that Kayla punched him, and from the previews it looks like he's going to turn into quite the depressed little sociopath, which should be really entertaining.  I am totally fine with them keeping him as a borderline-insane villain.  Just as long as they keep him.

Sami and Lucas' wedding was great.  They aren't a supercouple, exactly, but there were some vintage 80s greatness vibes, especially in the long history the two characters--and more importantly the two actors--have together.  There were lots of awesome aspects to the nuptials.

Kudos, Writers. Yes, You Read That Right.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point.  I am writing this entry to commend the Days writers, unironically, on a job well done.

I'm going to need to take a few deep cleansing breaths now, because that was way hard.

I'm not even just giving them credit for a hilarious one-liner.  They deserve compliments for a good build-up, good character development, and good dialogue.  The storyline with all this goodness?  Lucas becomes a Good Guy. 

Lucas is one of those characters that's never been a villain and never been a Good Guy.  He was a "good" guy most of the time -- you know, in soap terms, in that he wasn't killing people, dropping women in vats of acid, or putting undead townspeople on magical islands.  But with his reaction to Sami's big reveal about EJ, he became a Good Guy -- one you can actually root for.

Honestly, I've never been a huge Lucas fan.  Because he was never written as being particularly good or bad, he was just sort of ...there.  Bryan Dattilo is cute (caveat:  when his hair is cut short!) and is a decent actor.  It's the character that always bored me.  Phillip's comment about Lucas being average cracked me up, because if there's one thing Lucas has always mastered it's being average.  (It also cracked me up because I am bitchily judgmental and enjoy when others join in the fun.)

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I sometimes think soap headwriters spend the afternoon IMing each other. It's just a theory I have. And it makes more sense than some of my other theories--it's, like, practically plausible.

guzaistheman: What's up Hogan?

hogansheroes: NM, you?

guzaistheman: The usual.

hogansheroes: Violence and misogyny?

guzaistheman: LOLOL

guzaistheman: I'm working on reuniting Jason with his son.

hogansheroes: How's that going?

guzaistheman: Well, I have to ruin Sam, Liz and Lucky in order to do it, but overall it's going great. LOL.

hogansheroes: I'm trying to make Belle and Shawn a couple worth rooting for, but I have really bad writer's block

guzaistheman: You know what I do when I have writer's block?

hogansheroes: Throw darts at your Genie Francis dartboard?

guzaistheman: I do that on payday.

guzaistheman: I watch episodes of Kenan and Kel on YouTube. It's hilarious!

hogansheroes: And it helps?

guzaistheman: It does! And it gives me cool phrases to use.  Like "You go, girlfriend". LMAO.

hogansheroes: Well, it's worth a shot...

That's the only plausible explanation I have for the sudden rise of mid-90s slang on multiple soap operas.

Because there I was all set to enjoy Sami and Lucas's wedding, despite not being a huge fan of the couple, and I had to have my whole happy mellow moment RUINED by WILLOW and her STUPID FLYAWAY HAIR and her RIDICULOUS baiting of Chelsea and seemingly FORGETTING that she committed the crime she's telling everyone Chelsea did and then! THEN! To add insult to injury!

Willow: See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.

That is not okay. Willow in and of herself is not okay, but...see ya, wouldn't want to be you? Really?  Just stop. Just...stop. 

I Have a New BFF

...she's fictional, but she's fabulous.  In just her first few minutes in Port Charles, Kate Howard:

• had fantastic hair
• was deliciously bitchy
• wore a stunning white coat
• seemed quite bright
• was revealed to be editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine (Couture, which is "practically the bible of high fashion," according to Diane, a woman I find it hard to believe has even been shopping since the 80s)
  
• looked at Sonny as if he were gum on the bottom of her Christian Louboutin heels
• had an assistant/hanger-on, at whom she bellowed
• tried to kick Sonny out of his own office
• turned Diane into a squealing fashion fangirl (even though out of character, it was hilarious)
  
• called BS on Sonny's "I'm a coffee importer" cover
• intimidated Carly

However,  she has canceled out most of the good will, because it turns out she used to be involved with Sonny.  Ugh.  Whose kneecaps do I have to smash to get a strong female character on this show who hasn't slept with that guy?

But Kate is played by Megan Ward, who has basically been on every nighttime drama that's aired since 1990, including Party of Five and Melrose Place. So residual TV affection for the actress and admiration of the character's at least initial awesomeness will keep me from hating her. For now.  Until she gets all hung up on Sonny [again].  Which she will, because they all do.