Serial Drama

Ew!

I like to think of myself as the type of person who isn't easily ruffled and who doesn't often become shrieky and faint and in need of smelling salts, but lately All My Children has been so gross that I find myself all Helen Lovejoy "Won't someone think of the children?!" Or, more to the point, "Won't someone think of me?!?!"

Because this show is icky. It's full of icky people doing icky things. Ickily. Isn't Megan McTavish gone? Why does everything still have the faint scent of pathetic and grossness?

That wasn't originally intended to be a comment about Babe and Krystal, but, hey, a good segue is a good segue...

Our Big News

So, we promised you big news. Major news. Huge news. And unlike other people who promise BIG news or GROUNDBREAKING events or LASTING repercussions, we are fans of following through with promises we make!

Every month, you will be able to read our brand of bitterness and criticism in print. That's right; we are completely and overwhelmingly thrilled to let you know that we now have a monthly column in Soap Opera Digest! 

Starting in the May 22nd edition (available on newsstands May 15th), we--Evil But Twinless (Becca) and Promising Ingénue (Mallory)--are the authors of "My Take" and "My Take, Too."  So be on the lookout when you're doing your usual weekly perusal of the magazine.  Or if you've been SOD-less up until now (if there isn't already a foundation dedicated to eradicating the scourge of SODlessness in America, we will start it) surf on over and subscribe or pick one up at the check-out counter. 

We can only hope that SOD readers are as kind to us as our online ones have been.  It's entirely possible, however, that some people don't want to hear from two chatty viewers about the declining quality of soap writing and fashion.  They may frown upon hotly chronicling the every move of certain of daytime's leading men and ridiculing the superstar status of others.  Seriously, it's possible!  To these poor, misguided souls we say . . . Whatever!  We're in Soap Opera Digest, bitches!

Edited to add:  We're definitely keeping the blog, everyone!  We're way too verbose to limit ourselves to 1000 words a month.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

So, this week it was revealed that the whole lipstick o' death plot was EJ's brilliant plan in conjunction with Celeste to see whether Sami really cared about him.  And he's decided she does, because she . . . didn't burn him alive.  Huh.  If I had known "won't kill me in cold blood" was the measure of true love, my relationship status would probably be quite different.

I'm not sure EJ thought through this plan as well as one probably should have.  If it was all a test, why didn't he have Celeste give Sami regular un-drugged lipstick, especially since she's pregnant, possibly by him?  (Please do not take the preceding sentence as an endorsement in any way of any plot involving lipstick as a weapon.)  Because then he ended up drugged , doused in gasoline, inches from a lit match.  Then he was still drugged, doused in gasoline, and in a cabin engulfed in flames.  This strategery is puzzling.  Dumb luck does not a genius plan make.

This is one of the many times lately when I think the writers changed their mind about a storyline and just hoped that it would pass the smell test.  (What, are they hanging out with the GH team?)  Fortunately for them, James Scott can pull off anything, on account of his sex godliness.  There was a point this week when EJ was by Sami's bedside in the hospital, being all borderline homicidal and Dimera-ish, but he was stroking her hair and holding her hand and . . .

. . . it was way hot.  I'm damaged.  (Maybe it's just the scrubs?  First Patrick Dempsey, then Jason Thompson, now James Scott.  No, it's probably not fabric-related.)

EJ's continued scorching hotness makes this choice by the wardrobe department all the more puzzling: 

General Hospital Week in Review

I couldn't even think of a theme for this week's review.  There was so much going on, yet so little actually happening, and none of it was especially interesting.  I already discussed the wedding of the...month, how crazily creepy NewAmelia is, and how "funny" Sam's storyline continues to be.  By "funny," of course, I mean "painfully, horribly awful and unbelievable to the point that I believe there is a backstage competition to see how significantly worse it can be made on a daily basis."  Then there's the JerryCraig ridiculousness, which I can't discuss in any detail because it makes Promising Ingénue's facial tic act up.  So I'm left with very little, all of it random.  I cannot promise any of it will be entertaining.  But that's okay, because this is ABC Daytime, and we're not in this for entertainment. 

Oh, hey there, Detective Rodriguez.  I've been meaning to mention that I've committed a number of very serious crimes.  Which we will need to discuss in detail.  In private.  We should also discuss whether it was wise to try to bring back the Clooney Caesar more than a decade later.  I'm actually leaning towards "yes."  However, I'm going to need to try to analyze this without letting my George-love taint the process.  This will require you and me to spend lots of time together so I can try to forget him.  Thanks in advance for your patience.

I'm a Creep, I'm a Weirdo

That's enough, General Hospital.

Just...enough. We know that you are capable of writing male characters who aren't disturbing, stalkerish or otherwise weird, because Patrick and Jax are totally normal, and aside from that whole "hostage taker/working for the mob" thing, Coop is normal and Sassy Ghost Alan is normal (if dead). But for the most part, all of the men in Port Charles veer from slightly creepy to outright insane.

It does explain a lot, though. Skye's horrific wardrobe is obviously a cry for help, for she was driven mad dealing with the weird men in Port Charles. Laura is in a catatonic state because her stepfather was [rewritten to be] a creepy serial adulterer and her first husband was [rewritten to be] a murderer. We never see Georgie because she locked herself in a closet to keep the weird guys away from her. Suddenly things are all making sense!

Is it just me? Like, is anybody else COMPLETELY creeped out by the way Spinelli is stalking Elizabeth and her baby? Because I'm TOTALLY creeped out by him.

I realize that he's going overboard in baby surveillance because he idolizes Jason and because I think he had a bad home life (? I may be making that up, but I vaguely remember him mentioning his parents lying to each other/him when he was giving Jason a lecture about the paternity secret), so he wants Jason's family life to be awesome because Jason is awesome. Or something. But this is just weird and creepy. Hacking into the GH server to keep tabs on Elizabeth's doctors appointments? That is so not okay!

(As ludicrous as I found all of this, I did LOL out loud at the look on Jason's face when he asked Spinelli if it was a boy or a girl and Spinelli didn't answer right away.

It was like, "But it has to be a boy or a girl, right? It can't be both...")

Terror and Hilarity

I find NewAmelia terrifying. She is trying to bore a hole through my soul with her eyes.

I tried to think of a “she’s scarier than X,” with X being some other super-scary soap character. But NewAmelia makes Stefano DiMera look like a playful kitten. She would make Helena Cassadine scream like a schoolgirl. So soap characters are insufficient for comparison. I feel confident it is not an overstatement to say that NewAmelia is scarier than Kim Jong-Il.

On the other hand, for the first time in possibly ever, Sam McCall is cracking me up. 

It's An Invasion!

If you were to ask me what I would suggest doing to give Days of Our Lives  a much needed burst of energy, I'd probably suggest stranding Belle and Shawn on the island of misfit toys forever and taking John out of the coma (if only to give us the eyebrow we've been deprived of for so long!) and banning the word "hairbrush" and giving Steve a normal brain and letting go of the idea that Max is some sort of studly sex god...

But, you know, bringing back all of the freaking DiMeras could be the answer also. Provided that they leave behind their weirdo supernatural Melaswen unfrozen undead pinata stuffed brand of evil. Cold and calculating evil is fine, though!

And Leann Hunley?!?!? Awesome. I'm very excited about that, although I feel sort of badly for her now that Roman is played by Josh Taylor. Pacey Witter to the monotone bag of Botox? Downgrade!

Welcome to Our New Home!

Thanks to all of our regular readers and new visitors, we've had to move into a bigger place with a few more bells and whistles (which we've camouflaged with pretty graphics because, ew! -- bells and whistles are so 2004).  Make yourselves comfortable.  Mock some soap fashion, bitch about the idiots who run ABC Daytime, count the number of times Dr. Patrick Drake did something hotly over the span of a single GH episode.  You know, the usual.   And keep checking in, especially this coming Monday, May 7th, when we'll announce that bigger-than-Susan-Lucci's-hair news!

Please remember to switch your bookmark to this new address, or for those of you bookmark-less folks who check out the site from a shared computer (at a school, library, or prison) you can get here via the slightly easier to remember www.serialdramablog.com. 

And if there are features you'd like to see more of or bugs we need to fix, drop us an email or leave a comment after this post and we'll do our best to respond. 

So this all our way of saying, in a way that admittedly could never compete with Brenda Dickson, welcome to our new home!  Sit and stay a while.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Oh, siiiiigh.

The Ghost of Alan: You go, girlfriend!

Is there a behind-the-scenes contest to see who can humiliate Stuart Damon the most?

"I know, let's fire him for no reason after 30 years on the show!"
"But let's kill his character off, so we're sure he can't come back."
"Can we make his death storyline all about the mafia, so we don't really have to focus on Alan or Stuart at all while we kick his ass to the curb?"
"Totally.  And then, wait, this is genius....we bring Alan back.  As a wisecracking ghost!"
"That is brilliant.  I propose we make the ghost wear a sweatsuit . . . the same one for months!"
"I say we fire him, kill off his character, make his death all about the mobsters, bring him back as a ghost, make him wear a sweatsuit, and have him spout 'funny' slang that was already uncool before Fresh Prince went off the air!"

You win, sadist #6!  Your prize is a kick in the ass with my pointiest stilettos.

Don't you dare enjoy it.

- Evil But Twinless

Yo, Adrienne!

May I just say how nice it is to have Judi Evans back as Adrienne instead of annoying-as-all-hell Bonnie? A couple years ago, I returned from one of my Days' hiatuses to find one of the actresses who was on the show when I started watching as a Valley-girl-ish junior high schooler playing not Adrienne, the abused girl from the wrong side of the tracks who grew up and married the kind and uber-wealthy Justin Kiriakis (much to the dismay of his uncle Victor).  No, instead she was trailer-esque Bonnie, pulling stupid schemes and parenting a hairstyle-challenged, MAC-abusing daughter, and SHE HAD A TALKING DOG. I know I've mentioned this before, but seriously, it traumatized me.

Anyway, welcome back, Adrienne (and Judi)! Please tell me Justin and your passel of children are not far behind. Lord knows Salem needs some kids to help remove the incestuous angle from the youngsters' romantic entanglements.

Oh, and I'm not a fan of the hair color, but it's an improvement over the Bonnie-era 'do, so I'll chill. For now.