I like to think of myself as the type of person who isn't easily ruffled and who doesn't often become shrieky and faint and in need of smelling salts, but lately All My Children has been so gross that I find myself all Helen Lovejoy "Won't someone think of the children?!" Or, more to the point, "Won't someone think of me?!?!"
Because this show is icky. It's full of icky people doing icky things. Ickily. Isn't Megan McTavish gone? Why does everything still have the faint scent of pathetic and grossness?
That wasn't originally intended to be a comment about Babe and Krystal, but, hey, a good segue is a good segue...
I know I often say that I like when shows dip into their history and make allusions to things that happened in the past, but I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea for Krystal and Babe to ECHO VERBATIM lines that Bianca and Erica had when they were reunited with Miranda after Babe and Krystal stole her
Bianca: Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, Miranda's not going anywhere.
Erica: Oh. Honey, it'll be all right. I'll be right here with the baby, right where you can see her. She'll be just safe in my arms. Sweetheart, on my life, I swear, I will never let anybody take your baby from you again.
And today (paraphrased):
Krystal: I'm not letting her leave my arms
Babe: Momma, we'll never let anybody take her from you again
It gave me chest pains.
Maybe there is something in the water at ABC Daytime, as I am apparently supposed to feel sorry that Jason on GH can't claim his son as his own, despite, you know, stealing his brother's child from him. Oh, but he apologized...to his brother's grave years after he died. That totally makes it okay. I don't know why the head honchos have such a lust for baby stealers. It worries me. Is being pro-baby stealing a movement that is gaining popularity? Lock up your children, America. Apparently Southern tramps and hitmen are totally justified in taking them on a whim!
Perhaps I am completely heartless (the odds are high), but I just could not muster up any emotion for Krystal and Tad. Part of that is because I have watched television before and therefore knew that nothing would happen to that child, but mostly because...you know, karma. In real life, not knowing where your child was for even thirty seconds? Harrowing. But with Krystal and Tad? Karma. Remember when they stole Miranda and helped Liza run away with Colby? Yeah. Karma. Plus, if I were a fictional character in Pine Valley and I had to hear Krystal all "Baby doll" this and "Sweet pea" that and "Your daddy is a bad man" this, I would sell Jenny on the black market myself.
Would it be forward of me to tell the writers that they don't know how to redeem characters? Because they don't. I realize that I am not an expert on this but I feel it important to offer my advice anyway: if you need to make other characters do evil things to make a character look good? That's not "redeeming a character". That's "lazy". And also "sending the show to hell in a handbasket".
I think all of the y's in JennY ColbY CareY's name are code for Whyyy is my gene pool so screwed up?
POP QUIZ: Your last attempt to find your other missing daughter led you to trap someone against their will and then due to bizarre circumstances, they died. You are them in the position of looking for another missing daughter. What do you do?
(a)Anything but trap someone against their will
(b)Handcuff yourself to a man with a decades long history of heart problems, then refuse to get him help when he has chest pains?
(c)No, seriously, ANYTHING but trap someone against their will
Seriously, Tad. Seriously. Sometimes, he looks about as bright as Jonathan when Jonathan still had his tumor.
Dude: Sean and Ava. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?
I can honestly say that if I ever met the identical half-sibling of one of my cousins, who I had become protective and fond of, I would not have sex with them. I just wouldn't. Because that would be GROSS, what with the identical thing going on.
I tried with the new Greenlee. I did. I tried for like five whole minutes. I just couldn't do it. She tried; she was cute and she was almost funny when she was shocked that Ryan was marrying Annie of all people (me, too!) and she and Kendall were appropriately weird when they were avoiding the subject of Spike--which reminds me: give the child a real name--but...she's no Rebecca Budig. Really pretty, though, if that counts for anything.
And why was she cute and perky? She left Pine Valley in a fury because she hated everybody so much. Why am I expecting writers to remember that? Silly me!