Taking "Harebrained" To a Whole New Level
You know, for a place that routinely sees an astronomical number of catastrophes like hurricanes, epidemics, train wrecks and hostage crises, Port Charles really lucks out in terms of the kinds of schemers, international terrorists and general crazies that come to town. Because, really, they are not very good at what they do.
This does go a long way in explaining how Sonny and Jason have managed to stay in power for so long, since it's not like any of their rivals is capable of crafting a villainous plan from start to finish without getting distracted in the middle of it by laughing at just how hilarious the world "evil" is when you really look at it, or contemplating whether not having a mustache to twirl malevolently makes or breaks your career in villainy. Hell, half of these people can't get past "I'm going to do something really bad, like---oh, a Snickers!"
And I know that these people are allegedly villains, so I am not supposed to be rooting for them, but it's really hard to watch a show and get caught up in the drama because there IS no drama to be had since it's the invincible mobsters and friends vs. the "If I only had a brain" gang. I wonder who will come out on top, the people on screen every day or the short term characters who can't tie their own shoes? Those are some high stakes!
Remember when Fivehead first came to town and we were all, "What a massive fivehead" and then we sort of moved past that and grudgingly gave her our respect for calling the mafia lifestyle out for what it is (dangerous, illegal, immoral and gross)? Good times. And now she's gone ahead and slept with Sonny (multiple times, ew) and proved to us all that she's not good at crafting revenge schemes.
Her whole scheme to get back at Sam for killing her father (in self-defense, but she thinks otherwise) is to make Sam famous because she's heroic...ish and then...like, her revenge will be sweeter because it will be in the, um, "public eye" (sorry, you cannot convince me that anyone would want to watch Sam's show. If there was an audience for that, they would just bring back Rescue 911). Or something. It was a really bad plan to begin with.
And LITTLE DID SHE KNOW when she decided to get revenge on Sam that she'd wind up getting held at gunpoint multiple times, have to deal with disgusting oversharing AND sleep with Sonny. Even her dead dad is like, "Avenging my death is so not worth it. I think you should go see a shrink to cope with all of this. And maybe get an STD test, just in case". How many times do you have to have a gun in your face before you cut your losses and run? Sam is obviously tragic, I don't think public humiliation will have an impact on her tragedy levels. Can your life get much worse when you are dating the second coming and are unable to have his holy children?!?!?! According to the show, it makes Sam subhuman!
I know that Jerry is new at the whole "criminal mastermind" thing since he's only been doing it for a few years and has always been somewhat dim, so he's not going to be perfect at it, but his international terrorism skills are seriously not up to par. After holding a hotel hostage, your next big move is to...force two people to pretend to be dating? Good one. And now you've got another person under your thumb by making it seem like she's guilty of high crimes? Wow.
While this plan is actually working, it isn't because it's a good plan, it's because the people he is terrorizing are acting uncharacteristically stupid. Robin, Patrick, Nikolas and Emily are way too intelligent to simply roll with this, so it's maddening that they're like, "Eh? Meh. It's not worth getting worked up about." I am starting to think that they are the type of people who really do believe that deposed Nigerian princes want to split their fortunes with them.
Also maddening? The fact that Robin's secret agent parents and Nikolas's psychotic grandmother can't be called upon to help them deal with this. This plot is something Helena would have come up with in kindergarten before rejecting it as too amateur. But since we're talking about Robin, Patrick, Nikolas and Emily, and not Sonny, Carly, Jason and Sam, there's no way that they are going to save the day, so there's no reason to use all of their resources.
I truly think the person in charge of hair on this show is truly the most nefarious person to hit Port Charles in ages.
What kind of a sick bastard inflicts this upon the world? I refuse to believe that anybody out there thinks those extensions are okay. I'd sooner believe that there are people out there who write Epiphany/Spinelli fanfic.
I think that they are punishing Kirsten Storms for being awesome and adorable and part of a couple that puts the show's "core relationships" to shame. It's the only logical explanation
You know, there are times when I really like Carly and I start wondering why I ever disliked her. I think it's because I like Laura Wright, screeches and all. She has great energy and, of course, great hair.
And then Carly goes ahead and acts like a paranoid freak and verbally attacks a recovering cancer patient and is generally insane and I remember why I hate her and fervently hope for her to be written off the show. Because Alexis is totally a threat to their marriage. Totally. And not, you know, the guy who manipulated Carly into marrying him when her fiance left town. He's not a problem at all.
And Jasper. Dude. I was seriously all "Is he for real?!" and Cameron was all:
Because, seriously, what is his damage? What happened to Jax? The awesome Jax who was charming and loyal and in love with Brenda. When he asked Alexis to leave yesterday, I actually gasped. Between dissing his best friend and writing off Robin being shot (and then operated on with, like, paper clips and silly string), I am pretty sure that the Jax that I once knew and loved is no longer.
OMG, you guys, what if I am exactly right and this isn't Jax at all? What if someone got radical facial surgery and had an Australian accent transplant so that they could pass for Jax?! This is why he was so willing to take Carly back after she married and slept with Sonny and why he didn't care that Robin almost died! Because it's not Jax at all. It's an impostor! It's really...Jeff Webber!!!!!
I really shouldn't give these writers any ideas.