After a grueling day of shooting, Kelly Monaco starts to leave the General Hospital set. Dejected, worried about job security and covered with a thick sheen of grease from Steve Burton's head, she sighs and wonders where it all went wrong...
KELLY MONACO: How did this happen? Did I do something wrong? It seems like I was this show's breakout star just a few weeks ago and now I'm the one that they hate. Is it my breath? Do you think someone complained that I have bad breath and now they don't want to be in scenes with me? But I always have Altoids in my purse, so that can't be it--
She hears the muffled sounds of someone singing (off-key, might she add) "Rehab", by Amy Winehouse.
MUFFLED VOICE: "They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said no-no-no...I tried to write an awesome episode and they said no-no-no"
KELLY: Is there someone in the supply closet?
She tentatively knocks, then opens, the supply closet door to find a melancholy figure eating Ramen noodles, stuffed in between a boiler and a dilapidated filing cabinet.
KELLY: Hey, I know you! You're the one everyone calls Awesome Writer.
AWESOME WRITER: Thank you SO much for getting me out of here! I was afraid I'd be stuck in there until tomorrow morning. What are you doing here so late? Everybody else left hours ago.
KELLY: (Sighs) I was afraid I'd run into a group of angry Jason/Liz fans again. Or a mob of Alexis/Ric fans. Or that weird John O'Hurley fan who keeps saying "You may have won first, but I took the dance off!"
AWESOME WRITER: I think that actually is John O'Hurley...
KELLY: Oh. That's really sad.
AWESOME WRITER: Hey, thanks a lot for helping me get out of there. Can I buy you a drink? You look like you need one.
KELLY: That would be really nice.
AWESOME WRITER: So it was a rough day today?
KELLY: You could say that. Let me ask you something: did I do something to offend Bob Guza?
AWESOME WRITER: I don't think you did.
KELLY: Because he used to like me, once upon a time. I was, like, really popular. And I was the show's breakout star! And I could have gone and done anything after I won Dancing with the Stars! I could have guest starred on some prime time shows, but I was loyal and I stayed at GH. And this is what I get in return! I mean, come on! They took away all of Sam's feistiness and her IQ.
AWESOME WRITER: I know, right?
KELLY: Like, hello, why has she never asked who her father is?
AWESOME WRITER: I'm saying!
KELLY: And she's been married 5 times? What?!
AWESOME WRITER: Plus, she shtupped her stepdad.
KELLY: On the floor of her mother's house! And now she's a possible babynapper?
AWESOME WRITER: Well, you know that the powers-that-be at ABC daytime have a hard on for characters who steal children.
KELLY: Right, but Sam would never babynap! (Sighs) I mean, I guess that it's all starting to look up, though.
AWESOME WRITER: What makes you say that?
KELLY: Well, come on, what they've done to Sam can't possibly get any worse.
AWESOME WRITER: ...um,yeah,you'reright,that'ssotrue, hey, how's your mojito?
KELLY: Wait, what was that?
AWESOME WRITER: What was what?
KELLY: You totally just changed the subject.
AWESOME WRITER: No, I didn't. Hey, look, it''s Genie Francis.
KELLY: Like I'm going to fall for that! Everyone knows that ABC has alerted the local authorities and National Security that if Genie Francis even attempts to enter the state that she can be arrested for war crimes. Come on, tell me the truth. How can Sam's storyline POSSIBLY get worse?
AWESOME WRITER: Well, here's the thing...they are going to give you--
KELLY: Another evil twin? That would be fantastic! She's the one who married all of these guys and the real Sam is actually normal and fun, and ballsy--
AWESOME WRITER: Well, you're close. Guza just discovered YouTube and was watching some old Guiding Light clips and he decided to give you a clone.
AWESOME WRITER: And remember when Tony DiMera on Days of Our Lives was working with Al-Qaeda? That's what Sam's clone is doing. And the real Sam is going to have plastic surgery to look like Phyllis on The Young and the Restless. And then throw Georgie down a well.
KELLY: Why on earth would Sam do that?
AWESOME WRITER: Just for kicks. With Dillon gone, they needed something for her to do.
KELLY: And being stuck in a well would give her something to do? Can't you do something about this?!
AWESOME WRITER: Dude, I tried! I had this whole story planned out where Sam bonds with her cousin. And I thought it would be cool if we explored the Maxie/Sam friendship again.
KELLY: So what happened?! Why can't Sam be friends with Maxie? Why does she have to resort to being a lush and a possible babynapper?
AWESOME WRITER: Okay, so the thing is...the other day, I was working on this scene with Jason and Spinelli and I sort of had Spinelli say something that he wasn't supposed to say.
KELLY: A curse?
AWESOME WRITER: Well, in the eyes of Bob Guza, it sure was. See, he said that Jason was wrong.
KELLY: SPINELLI said that?
AWESOME WRITER: I was really proud of it, actually. Jason wanted Spinelli to spring him from jail so he could help find Jake, and Spinelli said that there are people trained to do just that and Jason isn't...
KELLY: No, seriously, Spinelli said that?
AWESOME WRITER: And Jason thanked him.
KELLY: WHAT?! I--I can't believe that. That's amazing. Someone actually told Jason he was wrong? And he listened? Not even Lila got away with that!
AWESOME WRITER: Like I said, it was a pretty proud moment for me.
KELLY: You should be proud! That's totally turning the Port Charles universe upside down! It's like saying that, like, Sonny is impotent or something. Or that Carly sucks as a human being.That's amazing! The next round of drinks is on me!
AWESOME WRITER: But they told me that if I tried to slide anything like that by them again, I'd be fired. Or, even worse, forced to write for All My Children.
KELLY: You poor thing! And that's why they locked you in the supply closet?
AWESOME WRITER: Yeah. But it was so worth it.
KELLY: I just wish you could have done something about that dream Liz had about Jason. I mean, Sam and Jason are pretty much over now, right? They're going for Liz/Jason, full speed ahead?
AWESOME WRITER: It looks that way. I'm sorry. They literally just realized that Becky Herbst was on the show and were like, "She's pretty! When did she join the cast? Jason would love her". And I tried to point out that they had a thing in, like, 1999 and they were very confused. "But if Jason wanted her to go away with him. why didn't she? Nobody can turn Jason down. I think you're mistaken. That was ELIZABETH. This character is LIZ."
KELLY: I mean, Becky is great and super talented and everything, and, okay, I'd be fine with Sam and Jason breaking up if it led to Sam finding her independence and getting a personality or sense of self outside of being Jason's girlfriend.
AWESOME WRITER: Don't forget, she's also a superstar celebrity.
KELLY: How could I forget? She's starring on A Current Affair except LAMER and she's got tons of fans. And none of those fans care that she's engaged to a murderer. So, okay, what happens now? Is she going to be single? Play the field a little?
AWESOME WRITER: Um, it looks like she'll be dating again.
KELLY: Really? Well, that's cool. Who are they going to pair her up with? I'd love to work with Greg Vaughan. Or maybe Jason Gerhardt! If Maxie breaks his heart, he and Sam could help comfort each other!
AWESOME WRITER: I think they have someone else planned to pair Sam up with...
KELLY: OH! OH! Stan! I mean, why bring Kiko Ellsworth on the show and waste him on Lainey?
AWESOME WRITER: They were actually thinking of, uh, Mac.
KELLY: Who's Mac?
AWESOME WRITER: Mac Scorpio? Police commissioner? Robin's uncle?
KELLY: Oh. But he's, like, never onscreen. And I'm sure his romance would never be onscreen.
AWESOME WRITER: (Awkward silence)
KELLY: Oh. Ohhhhhh....