Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
I'm pretty easy to please.
Okay, that is a blatant lie. In most areas of life, I am exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to please. But when it comes to favorite soap characters, I am a total pushover! I've gotten really good at explaining away the absurd and awful actions of my favorites. I'm ride or die.
Lately, though, it's gotten harder and harder to defend the actions of certain characters and my logic becomes more and more twisted to be in their favor and there are days, like today, when I'm like, "What the hell?! I seriously can't even stand it when you're onscreen."
It is with a heavy heart that I put Sharon Abbott and Elizabeth Spencer on notice.
I understand why Sharon is pissed at Jack. I'd be fuming too if I came home and found out that my husband's ex-wife, who just happens to be the woman who slept with my ex-husband and wrecked my marriage, had spent the night, even if the night-spending was platonic. I'd be livid.
But you know what I wouldn't do? I wouldn't go to lunch (dinner? The show goes by so damn fast that I never know what time of day it is in Genoa City. JT and Victoria made it to the hospital in, like, twelve seconds) with effing Brad, who broke up with his wife half an hour earlier and who proceeds to spend the entire meal pressuring me to leave my husband. No! That's not okay, Sharon!
I can defend Sharon for a lot (affairs when she was married to Nick, poor care of her hair extensions, her self-righteous streak) but it pisses me off that she is so into Brad. She's married to Jack! Jack, by the way, didn't choose someone else over Sharon because they had a bigger bank account like SOME PEOPLE did.
ALSO! Jack is human. Brad is a robot. Or a block of wood wearing an expensive suit. Perhaps an expensive suit wearing robot sent from the future to destroy the human race, even. Or maybe it's as simple as him being portrayed by an actor incapable of any emotional depth whose go-to facial expression is blank. This facial expression is used to convey happiness, anger, sadness and concern.
That's terrifying to me.
And on top of the whole not being human thing, Brad's just an asshole. Am I supposed to be invested in the great star-crossed Sharon and Brad love affair when he had ample opportunity to choose Sharon but cast her aside for Victoria and Vicki's access to the Newman bank accounts and board of executives? Am I supposed to think it's just totally dreamy that he leaves his wife (after smarming at her like she was the one who had an affair) and immediately starts coaxing Sharon to leave her husband? Am I supposed to support them when I know that Brad's going to wind up shacking up with the next biggest inheritance in Genoa City? WHAT THE HELL, LYNN MARIE LATHAM?
I swear, if Sharon leaves Jack for Brad, it's over. I am done with her. I've defended her for years, but that is just the final insult. Abbott Forever, Carlton Never!
Oh, Liz. Ohhhhh, Liz.
I've loved Liz Webber since she first appeared on GH as the supremely awful bad girl. Planting condoms? Outrageous! But she was awesome, and she has continued to be awesome throughout the years and spent so much time on the backburner that it depressed me and I'm thrilled she's a part of major storylines now.
Getting pissy at Lucky because he arrested Jason? Being mad that her police officer husband followed orders to arrest the known hitman? I know that Jason is Jake's dad but, hello, Lucky doesn't know that and probably won't grasp the concept until the secret has been out in the open for two decades. That's the whole point of the stupid lie: that Lucky doesn't know! So stop getting mad at him! Getting angry at Lucky these days is like kicking a small, lonely dog, except that the dog is able to think on a higher level.
I'm not saying Lucky didn't screw up their marriage incredibly the first go round. He did. In a hugely horrible and massive way. But he got himself help. He's apologized for what he's done at least four hundred time. And Liz is the one who accepted his marriage proposal. And who agreed to start the marriage with a clean slate, all the while hiding a huge secret. So please, Liz, spare me the righteous anger towards a man who (a)was just doing his job as an officer of the law and arresting someone who killed a man and (b)is being completely screwed over by your lies.
And also, Liz? What the hell was this?
BACK AWAY FROM THE SCRUNCHING. YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, AN EXTRA IN A TIFFANY VIDEO.
That fright-wig like hairdo ruined what could have been a cute outfit. Well, the color is cute, at least. I'm not sold on the Angela from Project Runway fleurchons she's got going on.
Bourgeois Nerd mentioned the horror that Fivehead wore. I don't know what it is, but I do know that she is now dead to me. Yes, what the fivehead and the Sonny screwing couldn't do, this...thing did.
Every camera angle provided a new level of horror. It was like a sling meets something a mother of the bride would wear at a wedding meets a prom dress that a poor home ec student would make with fabric she purchased for $6 meets hell. And it was ill-fitting and unflattering and just terrible. DEAD TO ME