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« Why the People Who Run GH Suck, Part 795 | Main | As the Scalpel Cuts: Not That We Mean To Imply Anything With That Title »

June 19, 2007

Suck It, Lavery

During the Daytime Emmys, I made a spectacle of myself by loudly groaning and rolling my eyes when Cameron Mathison appeared to present. It was so bad that I couldn't even appreciate poor Thorsten Kaye, who was presenting with him. I mentioned this to Evil But Twinless (cunningly omitting the whole "caused obnoxious scene" thing)

promisingingenue (9:31:57 PM): I really can't look at Cameron Mathison without wanting to kick him in the shins

And poor, naive, non-AMC watching (and therefore good taste having) EBT had no idea why I would want to kick him in the shins. Little does she know! So I decided that the kindest thing to do would be to educate her on the myriad ways in which Ryan Lavery, as a character, sucks so badly that it inspires me, an otherwise rational person, to wince at the very sight of his portrayer. Luckily, my lecture coincides with a week in which Ryan was in fine form as the biggest asshole on television.

I actually don't have anything against Mr. Mathison personally. I'm sure that he is a perfectly nice man. I wish that someone had thought to suggest acting lessons to him at some point in time, because the hoarse way that he yells with crazy eyes to convey anger is really overdone. He could probably stand to spend some time on the backburner, but I can't really expect him to go to the producers all "Thanks for giving me so much work to do. The thing is, though, that I feel like it's time Aidan got a story of his own, so why don't I do Aidan's thing and he can be seen on camera? That work for you?".  And I am also annoyed that he's the new face of All My Children. Really? I guess I'm old-fashioned in that I think Susan Lucci should still be the face of AMC and if not her, then Alicia Minshew, but I am a total Kane fan, so I am slightly biased.

Ryan Lavery, though? Ryan Lavery sucks. Everything about him is annoying. Even his name is annoying, because all of the women on the show wail it dramatically at least ten times an episode with either glee ("Ryyyyyan loves me! And I love Ryyyyan!") or despair ("Woe is me! Ryyyyyan and I can't be together"). You know how Babe Carey is Sonny's counterpart, in that they are the two most despicable characters on AMC and GH? I think that the GH version of Ryan Lavery is Jason, because the people in charge of AMC similarly refuse to consider the notion that Ryan isn't the epitome of human perfection and wonder. While Jason is always right about everything, no matter what, Ryan is often very wrong and yet portrayed as being right just because he's Ryan. Who sucks, if I haven't made that clear.

Hypothetically, if you married someone and his ex-wife (1)crashed the wedding to have him arrested for bigamy (2)repeatedly mentioned wanting him back (3)wouldn't give him a divorce (4)even after signing the divorce papers, repeatedly mentioned her depression over not having his child, how would you feel? You probably wouldn't be happy about it, I'm guessing.

So then, hypothetically, what would you do if your husband insisted that his ex-wife be part of your family, just because he says so? What if he goes so far as to say that his ex-wife should be his son's other stepmother?

Please bear in mind that his ex-wife...

...had the idea to have Kendall be her surrogate, but a blackout caused by Kendall's husband (long story) caused her eggs to be ruined and Kendall wound up using her own egg. Therefore, ex-wife is not biologically related to your husband's child

...was so infuriated that the child Kendall was carrying wasn't biologically hers that she left town for two years, leaving behind this child who she now wants to have custody of

...looks EXACTLY LIKE YOU, so much so that Kendall pointed out the resemblance last summer and said your husband was just looking for a substitute

Annielips

Greenleesad

???!!!???!!!

You'd probably be pissed, I'm guessing. You might actually say "Oh, hell, no, I am not putting up with this". And if you said that? Or said a milder version of it? Or did anything but blindly agree with Ryan? He'd make a face like this

Ryanduh1

Because he would be so incredibly SHOCKED that you had an opinion of your own and didn't take the word of Ryan as Gospel. SHOCKED! Like, what is this, Annie, the new millennium? You can't think for yourself, especially if it goes against Ryan. That's, like, a law of physics. You know how the customer is always right? That's only true if Ryan's the customer. If Ryan's the business owner and you're the customer, you're out of luck, because there's no way Ryan's wrong. Ever. This is just one reason why he sucks.

There is a long history of Ryan sucking. It's pretty much what he's done since he's come to town.

RYAN LAVERY'S MOST ASSHOLISH MOMENTS

1. Nearly punching his wife because she was pregnant with his child

2. Faking his death to get away from his wife by falling off of a cliff....which is the exact same way that her first (and best GREENLEEANDLEO4EVER<33) husband died, sending her into a total breakdown

3. Insisting that Kendall stay away from Spike--her own beloved (albeit poorly named) child during the Satin Slayer insanity and physically taking the kid away from her

4. Telling Kendall she was responsible for Bianca's rape

5. Once telling Kendall:

You really are beautiful. You also have the most pathetic excuse of a heart that I have ever seen, and you need help, like, now. And if you don't get it soon, you're going to bend some guy so far out of shape that he will choke you to death just to stop the madness.

Ah, love in the afternoon...

So, in conclusion, because it can't be said enough: Ryan sucks.

As does the rest of the show. I thought the new writers would be, like, good or whatever, but alas, that was not meant to be.

Comments

Since TIIC especially Guza loves and idloizes Ryan Jason Babe and Carly soooo much against all reason and imagination he should create a show just for them. This saving and sparing AMC and GH from the insanity!!!!! It could be called "Evil 4 and Lovin' It" or "Killers, liars, and Psycho Bitches" or "We Kidnap Babies and Use Women, Love Us" or the catchy "Guza'a Saints".

Ew, consider me schooled. Ryan sucks. I feel a who's-the-daddy storyline coming on. He's very Corinthosian.

EBT - they kinda already did the whose the daddy - except it was all due to his sperm donations made before he decided he shouldn't spawn because he's gets so googly-eyed crazy. What Ryyyyyan needs now is an island.

You know, Ryan does suck. But I'm no big fan of Kendall and she has had many of her own pretty damn sucky and assholish moments, so I don't actually have a problem with moment #5!

If we're going to continue the comparisons, Kendall seems very Carly-esque to me.

I think Carly and Kendall are loosely based on the same soap "type" but I think there's a world of difference between the two character. Mainly because Kendall actually suffers consequences. Carly gets to be loved and admired by all the men in a five-mile radius while Kendall got to grovel to FrankenBrow and Greenme for scraps of affection all while they assualted her with their nauseating twue wuv. She doesn't get the tinkly music and thousand yard stare which indicate that she's nobly suffering from Secret Pain - her suffering is generally ugly and humiliating and public. Also, Kendall (eventually) learns from her mistakes and she's more mature than Carly despite the fact that Carly has about a decade on her.

Eh, I love the Kanes so I'm totally biased. The only time I FF any of them is when they're in scenes with Babe and they're not calling her out on being a sociopathic,baby-stealing skank whore.

I haven't watched the show in years, so I don't know who Ryan is, but I agree that he sucks!

Is #5 the same speech in which he tells Kendall she's a soulless cancer? Or was that a different, yet still very special, Ryan and Kendall moment? God, the fact that there are still Rendall fans in this world appalls me.

GREENLEEANDLEO4EVER<33!! True dat! That is the one and only time that I have ever watched AMC. As soon as Leo died, I was gone. ::sigh:: Ah, Josh Duhamel.

You know, to jump on Bec's train, I too didn't mind #5. (Do I hear Lou Bega in the background?) Kendall has wreaked quite enough havoc all on her own-some. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some Kendall. But I love the screwed up train wreck Kendall that SMG played (and whom AM continued to play in the beginning of her tenure in the role). I'm not a rabid fan of the heroine Zach/Kendall4EVAH!!!! ilk.

As to #5, Kendall WAS all that and more. I also don't have a problem with Ryan wanting to hit his pregnant wife (gasp!!!). Don't get me wrong. If he had punched her that would have been horrible -- and the punch threat itself was clearly abuse even if it didn't spill into actual physical violence. However, ultimately he did NOT punch her. Moreover, he was appalled by the very fact that he WANTED to punch her and this led directly to him getting treatment for his rage issues. Further, we've never seen him try to punch out ANY woman since then. I'm not going to continually crucify the guy for something he DIDN'T end up doing and further, got treatment for. (To me it's like the people who harp on Sonny shooting Carly while giving birth. I'm no Sonny lover and think he's a dick for shooting at Alcazar, but the fact is he didn't INTEND to shoot Carly -- it was an accident. There's plenty of other crap to kick Sonny for without getting huffy and puffy about an accident.)

Having said all this, Ryan's still probably an ass because of what seems to be going on with Spike. (I can't really judge because I quit watching AMC about 6 months ago -- I was bored by most of it, bored with Ryan and his beige girlfriend and yes, even bored by the couple "who must not be trifled with upon pain of fan RAAAAGEEE," Zach and Kendall.)

Ryass didn't go directly into treatment after almost punching Greenlee for getting pregnant. He went directly to his fake death.
I could be wrong about this next point, because I do tend to block out some Ryass airtime for the sake of my soul, but I don't recall him getting treatment for his rage issues. I thought it was pretty much "oh, wait, you mean my brother was abusing women, and a murderer because of a tumor? And now you've cut the bad out so he's fine? Hmm.. I guess anger issues don't run in the family after all. So, I must be fine."

I think the thing that makes Kendall and Carly completely different for me is that, like Oracle42 mentioned, Kendall gets called on everything she does, and even on things that she didn't do. She doesn't have a choir telling her that she's brave and strong and loves with her whole heart. She has also done COMPLETELY selfless things that no one else on the show (not even the so-called "good" characters) would do.

Plus, someone with hair like that deserves all of the love I can give her.

I was only comparing Kendall and Carly in the sense that they are set up as the lead heroine on their respective shows and each seems to garner an amount of love and devotion from other characters that I find inexplicable. Yes, overall Kendall suffers more and is called on her bullshit, but still not enough for me.

Being a naturally curly girl myself, I totally love AM's hair. But I still don't like Kendall. I don't hate her the way I hate Carly, but I don't love her.

Like kazou, Zach and Kendall bore me. Always have. (Wow. That felt good to admit.)

ryan is an ass didn't he used to be a lot better!! I love Kendall!!

You're preaching to the choir. Ryan Lavery is a dumbass. He even looks like one. Ugh. Why must Cam Mathison contribute to the cesspool of nonacting that's on television today? I don't understand.

I love Kendall&Zack, though, mostly because I wanna have Toasty Kaye's babies. And yes, Alicia Minshew's hair is fucking beautiful. You know who else has beautiful hair when it's not dyed within an inch of the apocalypse? Sabine Singh. She's half east Indian and I wanna see it!

Kendall has more in common with Blair from OLTL than Carly because, as has been noted, Kendall gets call on her crap, even for things that aren't her fault (like Blair... but not at all like Carly.) Kendall comes from a totally awesome female family (the Kanes) and Blair comes from the Cramer Coven (nutty bints all of them and every one of them has had times of serious kick-assery... except for Adrianna but I'm really doubting her Cramerness at this point) whereas Carly, though she is a Spencer, has absolutely no ties to them whatsoever and it's easy to forget that she is a Spencer.

Kendall has been known to put herself on the line for the people she loves and she always pays through the nose for it. Just like Blair. And not at all like Carly.

One thing remains totally true though: Ryan is an ass of the highest order.

And don't forget the sublime sucktitudinous act of Ryan's -- he watched his pregnant wife mourn his *death* on the closed circuit security cameras at Zach's casino. He watched her mourn and cry and suffer for two days and nights, and then he asked Zach for the disk, so he could have it to remember her by. (Zach destroyed the disk with his bare hands.)

That's just another example of Ryan, Dynamite Suck-o.

The only reason Ryan didn't punch his pregnant wife is because Kendall and Zach stopped him - he doesn't get points for that. And unless faking one's own death is some new and radical therapy he didn't seek out help either - because he is a giant raging ass.

I'll watch episodes of AMC randomly, so when I turned it on the other day I was totally confused about Greenlee and Ryan's girlfriend (don't remember name). I could not, for the life of me, tell them apart. I'm glad it's not just me!

I'm a former AMC-watcher who went back to GH because I couldn't sit through an episode of AMC without cringing and because Robin returned. I know, who leaves AMC for GH? That's like deciding I'd rather have all of my fingernails pulled out than have a fork stabbed through my eye.

Anyway, I have almost always hated Ryan. The only person I ever liked him with was Gillian, and even that was tenuous. The whispery acting, the hero complex and the overall lameness just kill me. He is awful pretty though.

And power to the curly-haired folks out there (I, too, have curly hair)! People are always saying AM has ugly hair and LW has ugly hair when she wears it curly. I guess if your hair doesn't look like everyone else's, it's ugly!

Emily, as a straight-haired gal, I LOVE the curlies. I ENVY you curlies. When I was a mere Kazou-tyke, I used to pray every night to God, "Please give me curly hair like Elena Guerrero's" (a curly-headed school chum). Viva la curlies!

Oh man, Ryan Lavery SO SUX, it is just amazing to me that tiic cannot see what a worthless douchebag he is! And lately he's gotten worse & this whole amnesia thing is the biggest farce yet! Where do they get this ish anyway? And the things he does/says to everyone, but especially to Zach Slater, well I cannot fathom why they won't let Zach punch Ryan's lights out.. just
once! Come on! Let him do it! Now that would be a ratings bonanza that is unprecedented! Ryan's the type of guy that you want to throw rocks at him on general principles. He makes me hurl!

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