General Hospital Week in Review
Okay, so I'm exhausted because of the potent combination of trying to survive an oppressive heat wave and looking at tremendously bad fashion and hair over the last few days, so this review will be shorter than usual. It will not, however, be more glowing than usual, because this show continues to find new ways to suck.
I'll start with the worst of it. Sam. Irredeemably ruined, poorly dressed, inexplicably coiffed Sam. Promising Ingénue covered this ground brilliantly and hilariously, so I will take the low, uncreative approach and just put it right out there: The people who write this show are no-talent ass clowns. The end.
Speaking of those clowns of the no-talent-having, assy variety: The Logan-is-Scott's-son storyline. Could they have messed this up any more royally? Calling it a "storyline" is overly generous. What did that reveal take, 1/10th of an episode? Are these writers even familiar with the concept of a soap opera?!?!
They could have had a huge buildup, with Lulu not yet knowing about
the rape and neither Scotty nor Logan knowing that they are father and
son. Then Lulu could have uncovered the secret but kept it from Logan
because she hates what she thinks Scott did to her mother. Scott could
have learned the truth and that Lulu knew, and told her about the rape
out of spite. Then Lulu could have broken up with Logan, unable to
deal with the rape, but then decided she wanted him back only to have
him turn her down, furious that she kept the news about being Scott's
son from him. Months of angst could have ensued. Lulu/Luke drama.
Logan/Scott drama. Lulu/Logan drama. Luke/Scott drama. If she were
ever allowed back on the set, Genie Francis could have brought some
fantastic Laura drama into the mix. Honestly, there are thousands
of people who could have written this story better! (Apologies that
this show's incompetent scribes have turned me into a fan fiction writer. I
hang my head in shame.)
I sort of think that despite the
intense resemblance maybe they aren't father and son, because the
idiots in charge of this show couldn't have f'ed up this story so badly
and blown a great opportunity for a drawn-out, soapily fantastic Long
Lost Child and Star-Crossed Romance one-two punch of a story, could
they? They have some really creative and interesting twist that
they're crafting to redeem this whole mess?
Um, yeah. Forget I asked.
So this week, Jerry . . . I don't know. I really wasn't paying attention. He came back and threatened people, or something. And I think Sonny decked him. I can't even decide whose side I'm on in that one.
So, here's some writing that wasn't bad, exactly, just . . . revealing:
Carly to Jason, who is IN JAIL: ...I’m scared, okay? I’m really scared that they’re going to take you away from me and lock you up forever, Jason. That scares me. What am I going to do without you? I mean, who’s going to be my voice of reason and tell me not to do something stupid like, you know, sabotage my marriage? Who is going to tell me that I’m a decent person, okay, and I can be loyal to my husband, even though he abandoned me to go after his brother again? And y’know, will probably die. So can you tell, can you tell that I’m really upset and I’m really angry with Jax but I love him, I love being married to him, and I am so scared that the most happiest [sic] time in my life only lasted one month?
Eight sentences, and she says "I," "me," or "my" more than 20 times. About the state of her romantic life, to a guy who is facing life in prison. If you know nothing else about the character of Carly, that pretty much says it all. So does this gem from Sam (back before she became irredeemable) earlier in the week:
Sam: Jason, Carly's always in trouble. It's how she stays the center of attention.
Word up, Sam. I'd high five you, but . . . well, you're gross.
There were a few scenes with Patrick and Robin this week, all of which left me a bit grumpy. I'm having some follicular issues with both of them (aforementioned issue with Kimberly McCullough's bangs, and disapproval of Jason Thompson's new haircut and that it is being styled as a near-fauhawk). Plus their scenes were mostly pointless. I think the writers have just caved under the pressure of having to write for two doctors on a show that's actually about a hospital, by which I mean Night Shift, and have therefore just stopped trying on GH. The SoapNet promos for NS are promising, which is good, because the scenes these two got this week on GH were alternately coma-inducing and anger-making.
Kate came face-to-face with the fact that Sonny is a ruthless mobster when she happened upon him "doing business." So she's incredibly upset. And I'm sure she will be, right up until the minute that she hops into bed with him and the Sonny Sex cures everything, as it always does, except when it creates an unintended pregnancy, which it also always does, so never mind.
Seriously, why couldn't they have paired the fabulous Megan Ward with someone else and had Sonny pine for Kate? Just once, could he not get something he wants when he wants it? It's bad enough that the character has become repulsive, misogynistic, violent, one-note, and smarmy. Now he suffers from the worst soap character flaw of all: He's boring. So boring he makes me want to flip over and watch Dr. Phil. Yes, it really is that bad.
I think maybe Jason kidnapped his own kid in the middle of a 'roid rage:
Remember less than a year ago, the Liz-Jason hookup? That even this Jason-hater thought was super hot? Largely because 1) Becky Herbst brought it, 2) Steve Burton brought it, and 3) Steve Burton actually got shirtless (despite his rumored religious objections to that particular state of undress -- which are particularly puzzling given that he is a SOAP OPERA ACTOR -- prompting possibly the funniest Promising Ingénue quote ever: "Perhaps Jesus is a Liason shipper?!?!"). He looked good. And long before that, waaay back in the day, before he started bulking up at all? Hot. But those days are long gone. He's distractingly enormous. Just say no to Gold's Gym, Steve. I think you might already own some of these, and as they are a sign of the end of days, I'm worried.
Oh, and so help me, if we are headed towards a Carly/Jason romance, you are going to have to stop the planet so I can get off.