General Hospital Week in Review
Well, I'll say this for GH: It sure knows how to run the gamut. This week brought us some of the best scenes in months (Patrick and Robin's conversation about Jason), and one of the more disturbing things in ages that isn't related to Carly's wardrobe (Logan's batcrap crazy attack on Spinelli and Lulu). There was other stuff in between, too, including the assassination of a centaur!
This week, a court gave Scott Baldwin guardianship of Laura Spencer. I give soap courts some leeway -- criminal trials that happen a couple of days after an arrest, leading questions during direct examination, obvious conflicts of interest by attorneys utterly ignored -- because, well, accurately portraying the legal system is kind of boring. But you have to come somewhere close to reality. I can't really add anything to my previous rant on this subject, other than to say that these:
Judge: Mr. Baldwin is empowered to act as Laura Spencer's legal guardian, and to make any and all decisions as to her care and welfare. However, the court admonishes Mr. Baldwin to make adequate provision for Ms. Spencer's family to visit her.
...were the most ridiculous words uttered on GH this week, and there was a lot of competition. There is no scenario on earth that should result in Scotty being Laura's legal guardian. If they needed to drum up some soapy drama in that relationship, why not have Scott kidnap Laura from the mental hospital and keep her from her family? It would at least have been in keeping with Scott's [relatively newfound, restored] obsession with Laura, and wouldn't have involved legal gymnastics so outrageous that they make Jason's hair look acceptable by comparison.
Yes, that outrageous.
Note to the powers that be: These two have got to be related:
I don't even mean just the characters. I think Kin Shriner should insist upon meeting the new kid's mom and see whether they had a night or two to remember back during the early 80s. Those were heady times, who knows what could have happened!
Logan's similarity to Scotty in appearance, mannerisms, and voice inflections is seriously eerie. I can totally buy the two of them as father and son, and there could be a really good story to tell about their relationship. So of course that will never happen. Sigh. Instead, the writers have decided to try to destroy Logan. Great. More on that later, once the meds have kicked in.
As several of our readers have noted, Steve Burton has seriously bulked up in recent months. Is Jason's storyline on Night Shift going to involving Ultimate Fighting?
Because I think all the semi-automatic weapons might give him an unfair advantage.
At least while Jason's in jail we're subjected to less lamenting of The Hitman's Secret Pain. And his incarceration brought about a good conversation between Emily and Elisabeth, in which Em dropped some knowledge on Liz both about the realities of Jason's "job" and suggested Liz might be a tiny bit in love with Jason. And who can't empathize with Liz? Everything about "jailed, brain-damaged, emotionlessly robotic hitman babydaddy" says L-O-V-E.
Speaking of good-looking men doing themselves no favors . . . You
know how they say there's a rapid-aging syndrome for U.S. Presidents?
Five years for every one in office, or something? Do you think there's
something similar for actors whose characters are married to Carly?
Because it did Sonny and Lorenzo no favors, and now Jax:
Usually I dread them, but I'm anxiously awaiting Ingo's next two-month vacation. Rest up, sweetie! Just not in the sun.
While we're near the subject of Carly, I'll follow the lead of the GH powers-that-be and make everything all about her. Because this was a week that appears on a calendar, Carly's wardrobe was equal parts braless, heinous, and inappropriate.
She's always tacky, which I suppose is in keeping with her character, but is it necessary to completely eliminate the line between day- and evening-wear? And if it is necessary, is one of the appropriate places to do so really a jail?
Also because why should this week be different from any other, Carly demonstrated a remarkable lack of awareness about herself, her best friend, and her kids.
There was this disturbing conversation in which the writers once again demonstrate how completely out of touch with reality and propriety they are, by having Carly assert the moral superiority of Jason killing people for money:
Jax: I’m not going to stand here and argue the relative merits of Jerry and Jason’s crimes.
Carly: Good, ‘cause there’s no comparison.
Jax: How would you know? Have you ever actually been with Jason when he’s killed someone? * You’ve got to face it, Carly. Jason can be just as cold and calculated as Jerry.
Carly: Jason would never shoot a woman just to watch her bleed. He’d never force a man who was having a heart attack to walk out of a building but that’s exactly what your brother did . . .
* This was Carly's reaction to that bit of accuracy:
I'm not sure what's so confusing. Jason murders people for a living, even though you've never seen it happen. Seems pretty simple to me.
And Jason would never shoot a woman just to watch her bleed? But he would shoot a woman if he were paid to do so by his mobster boss, right? Does nobody remember Faith? And Jason would never force a guy having a heart attack to walk out of a building? HE ASSASSINATES PEOPLE FOR THE MOB. I'm no Jerry defender, because what he did to Robin and Alan is unforgivable, but for god's sake how far do you have to stretch the concept of moral relativism to get to a place where a guy whose job is killing people for profit is your barometer of what's righteous?! This show is so messed up.
And then there was this conversation about Michael and Morgan, who apparently are well on their way to following in their daddy's career footsteps.
Jax: …they still need to be punished for killing the fish.
Carly: Punish them? I’m going to reward them.
That is an awesome parenting approach. And one that definitely won't create serial killers.
Carly: You think Michael and Morgan are lying? [Ed. note: I do.]
Jax: No, I don’t think that they’re lying. I can see why Kate thinks that they’re lying. Especially after they went back for the second time to harpoon her fish.
Carly: They’re boys. They’re little boys, Jax.
Jax: It doesn’t make it okay. Michael is old enough and clever enough to concoct some serious mischief . . .
Honestly, Michael is creepy enough to concoct international terrorist plots. But back in non-reality-land, I love Carly's response. "Boys will be boys, Jax. They kill stuff. Duh. I can't believe you'd question my parenting. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to Frederick's of Hollywood before it closes, because I need an outfit for parent-teacher conferences next week."
The murdered fish in question belonged, of course, to Sonny's new neighbor Kate Howard. I believe I've made it clear that I'm a fan of Kate. And it is impossible not to like Megan Ward, who appeared on a boatload of TV shows I love. So it really pains me to say this. Kate, and Megan's portrayal of Kate, is a bit over the top.
I love that they've brought on a smart, fashionable, strong, attractive female character. And one who isn't 19. If you had told me a few months ago GH would do that, I would have rolled my eyes even more dramatically than Kate herself:
But they did! And that's fabulous How.Ever. Her bitchiness, dramatic flair, and overall attitude has quickly become a caricature. They need to turn it down, significantly. It's like she's on Dynasty and everyone else is on Hill Street Blues (look at me and my uber-current pop culture references!). She's just too out of place, well beyond how she should be just based on how awesome she is compared to the people she's interacting with.
That said, I still love her. In addition to her initial accomplishments, themselves significant, she has since:
- insulted Sonny’s taste in interior decorating
- insulted Carly’s . . . everything (My favorite: "And I’m sure you are very proud of her. But she really should consult a stylist. Those accessories? ::dramatic fake gasp:: Stuff of nightmares." Which prompted this side-splittingly funny defense from Sonny: "Carly likes shiny things!")
- befriended Alexis (forget Night Shift, they should spin-off those two plus Sonny's lawyer; I would absolutely watch that)
- introduced the phrase “he assassinated my centaur!” into daytime
And the woman does give good eyeroll. I have total confidence that this ability, combined with some toning down of the over-the-top dramatic bitchiness, will restore her BFF status.
This was actually not this week but last, but in honor of my soon-to-be-BFF-again fashion diva Kate Howard, I must memorialize this dress, even if in an untimely fashion:
Between this and Carly “Lawlessly Braless” Jacks, it's obvious the wardrobe department at GH hates breasts. Is there some kind of pro-breast colored rubber bracelet we could all wear in protest? If not, should we create one? Oooh, we could call it BoobStrong! And proceeds could go to distributing Nordstrom lingerie department gift certificates to random passers-by at malls, and certain wardrobers at ABC.
It's official, we are reviving our intervention plans. Please note the relative width of Kirsten Storms' thigh, and the lamp:
To quote my father when I went through a phase of emulating Kate Moss, if she turns to the side she looks like a zipper. Enough is enough!
Apparently Awesome Writer escaped from his/her shackles this week, and created a series of fantastic scenes between Robin and Patrick. Robin told Patrick all about her relationship with Jason, including how Jason used to be a smart, ambitious, charming guy. Patrick was hotly perplexed by this background information about the guy who now remorselessly kills other human beings for money:
But he was also hotly entertained by some of Robin's story:
And ultimately he was hotly sympathetic about all that Jason lost in the accident, and how Robin lost Stone and then Jason:
So the whole conversation was just fantastic, accurate (no historical errors -- a possible first for modern-day GH!), and realistic; it seemed like an actual conversation that an actual couple would actually have. Since GH isn't the campy, horse-in-the-morning-room kind of show, but is instead supposed to be more grounded, this was a welcome change of pace. (It goes without saying that Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson were fantastic; I am really looking forward to Night Shift. Yes, even though the hero/hitman is going to be in every episode.)
However, what was going on here?
Darling showrunners, I know you're a bit dim, so let me help you out. When thousands of eeeee!ing fans wrote in to say they wanted to see Patrick in his underwear, this is not what they meant.
From the divine, to the ridiculous. Spinelli. I can't say I'm over him, because, to paraphrase Ross Gellar, I was never under him. The actor is capable, but goddamn I cannot handle this annoying (and creepy and weird) third-person-speak and mobster-adoration that the writers make him spout. Some egregious examples beyond this one from this week:
I humbly offer to remain your trusted and loyal friend.
The Jackal is about to release a webworm that will wreak havoc on your system. I’m talking total annihilation.
Blonde one, blonde one, blonde one, all is well, okay? The Jackal is unharmed.
You know dude, if you want to protect the blonde one from distress, banish the knuckle-scraper and his unwanted advances. . . . The unworthy one drove his fist into my face, and forced an unwelcome and disgusting kiss on Lulu’s beautiful lips.
Now, I love me some geeks. Even on soaps -- Nick on Days is awesome (and hot). Hell, I am a geek. But I must repeat, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS. It passed annoying months ago. Make it stop. And on a more shallow note, can we talk about his hair?
Just . . . NO. There's really nothing more to say.
Well, not about the hair, anyway. I will have to discuss Spinelli's role in the worst scenes of the week.
Because when you make mobsters the heroes of your show you have to make the "bad guys" extra despicable, this week the writers decided to try to turn Logan into a total asshole, overnight. I should completely hate him, but I refuse to indulge the writers' bullshit. Oh, a guy out of nowhere forces himself on the young woman who just found out her dad raped her mom, and beats up on the hapless guy we're all supposed to find endearing and defenseless. Could they be any more transparent?
I think maybe the writers sensed that there might be a really interesting story to
tell about this new character and his stunning likeness to a longtime member of
the canvass who is not connected to the mob, and, in an attempt to avoid such a
horrible outcome, were forced by their hack nature to ruin the possibility of such good soap storytelling.
I was disgusted by Logan's batshit crazy outburst, but I have to say I got over it pretty quickly because 1) the writers are idiots, 2) Logan's apology later in the week seemed sincere, 3) the writers are idiots, 4) Logan is hot, 5) the writers are idiots, and 6) the ensuing scenes' hilarity balanced out my outrage.
Milo's reaction to hearing about The Incident was as crazily funny as The Incident was crazily disturbing. He "attacked" Logan:
Yeah, "attacked" him. He's totally "attacking" him. I must have re-wound this five times on TiVo, because it was just so WTF. This is a photographic representation of my reaction. Only with a "hee!" or two, and maybe a guffaw.
And then Spinelli's reaction to the "attack" by Milo made my week. Because finally, I have an explanation for why Spinelli is how he is. Based on this:
I'm pretty sure he's Rain Man.