GH Week in Review: It Teaches Me So Much
General Hospital is so educational these days! Just look at the things I "learned," this week alone:
- If you are a career woman who is unmarried without children, and you find two specific fish-murdering, trespassing children annoying, you hate kids.
- If your infant is kidnapped, you must be suffering from postpartum depression and have done something to the baby yourself.
- A psychiatrist can diagnose a person with postpartum depression without ever examining her.
- That same psychiatrist can diagnose a different person with severe depression without ever examining her.
- If a new mother cries, it must mean that she wants to harm her child.
- If you make a deal with your boyfriend’s friend to sleep with him if he gets a girl you don’t like to sleep with him, you are awesome and he is "disgusting."
- A grown woman can be committed to a mental institution against her will, as long as the crappiest doctor alive has a hunch that she is crazy.
- They still use straightjackets, including for people who have not demonstrated that they pose a threat to themselves or anyone else.
- Blaming your wife for her child being kidnapped is okay, as long as you're genuinely interested in finding the baby.
- A detective should absolutely be allowed to participate in the official investigation of the abduction of his own child.
- A person can go from falling-down drunk to totally sober and camera-ready in a matter of minutes.
- You can break a criminal out of jail easily, as long as you've got a laptop and a dream.
And now for things I didn't actually need to learn because I already knew them and/or they are patently obvious:
- NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS: "The Jackal and the Godfather must join forces to eliminate Samantha as a suspect in the most grievous napping of the Innocent One." Or this. Or this.
- Even Sonny can be appealing, if he is telling Spinelli to "talk English or get out of here."
- Drunk Sam is 100 times more appealing than any recent iteration
of Sam, save perhaps Traveling for Business Off-Screen Sam.
(Seriously, can we band together and find Kelly Monaco a better job?
It's inhuman punishment to have to play this character.)
- Josh Duhon is Kin Shriner's long-lost son.
- Diane is awesome and speaks for the viewing public. ("For the love of god -- and high fashion -- do not let your relationship with that woman go any farther.")
- Kelly Monaco and Greg Vaughn would be smokin' hot together. Sam and Lucky need to comfort each other when their respective relationships implode, as they so obviously are about to.
- Jane Elliot rocks.
- Megan Ward has the best hair in the western hemisphere, followed closely by Laura Wright.
- Amelia is hilarious. (Crew guy: Where's Sam? Amelia: Oh, she went on a bender. She'll be gone the rest of the day.)
- Lucky is an asshole. Liz is a saint. Sam is infertile, and a
mess. Jason is a hero. These writers are incapable of subtlety, and think we're all morons.