The Pilot...comes in for a landing
All good things must come to an end...even the 90210 pilot. Before we get to the final 46 minutes, a quick recap of where we last left our heroes:
Brandon: hot tub with Maryann
Brenda: hip dance club with lawyer Jason
Kelly: arguing with bouncer
DMG!: standing next to Kelly
Steve: depressed and Kelly-less, with a smashed-up car
Young David Silver: unknown
Young Scott Scanlon: dead, or alive, wearing his Lakers hat
Andrea Zuckerman: who's she?
And now, on to the thrilling conclusion!
46:32 Brandon and Maryann begin to...how do the kids say it these days...smooch.
46:57 Still smooching.
47:06 Maryann: "Let's take off all our clothes." Now there's a fine idea! Let's get this party started!
49:02 Brandon: "You know, years from now, I'm gonna look back on this night and kick myself for being such an idiot." As you might surmise, given the aw-shucks nature of this quote, Brandon did not remove his clothes. Neither did Maryann. Instead, we were treated to a memorable discussion of Maryann's hippie parents, Maryann's insecurities, and Brandon's moral relativism. Definitely better than taking off their clothes. Score one for the FCC.
49:33 Switching gears, we're now with Brenda at playboy lawyer Jason's upscale, post-modern apartment. First bit of dialogue is Jason: "I'd offer you a drink, but I'm fresh out of bananas", a not-so-subtle poke at Brenda ordering the first banana daquiri in American history at the club. Lancer actually chuckled out loud at this in spite of himself, before remembering he's alone in his apartment watching 90210 DVDs.
Brenda: "Jason, what are you doing?"
Jason: "Taking your clothes off."
Folks, that's called communication.
52:30 Well, we're 0-for-2. Not only did Maryann keep her bathing suit on, but we didn't even see so much as a shoulder from Brenda. Bummer. Brenda's chastity is respected by Jason, though, who drives her to her fake sorority house and ends the night with a peck on the cheek. Is that Richie Cunningham in the background? Is Carol Brady waiting up for her? Wasn't this show supposed to push all the boundaries?
52:59 Brandon and Brenda arrive off at the same time, a startling coincidence that no one saw coming. What a night for the both of them! All that kissing. And all that...kissing. And talking. And stuff.
54:36 It's six am the next morning, but Brenda can't sleep, and just has to call Kelly. Cut to a shot of Kelly all tucked in and looking extremely cute and sleepy and cozy and god dammit she looks so good right now. Anyway, the two girls are in conniptions over what "happened" last night, even though nothing really "happened", unless you count the banana daquiri. After a few minutes of girl-talk, including a brief cameo by some strange lady playing Kelly's mom Jackie (pilot episodes are so weird, when you see people playing characters you'll never see again), the call ends with the following exchange:
Brenda: "So Kelly, what am I gonna do?"
Kelly: "Just have fun. That's what I always do."
That's straight out of Aesop's fables.
58:20 Another school day at West Beverly. Minding his own business in Spanish class one morning, Brandon receives a box of red roses. Steve is extremely impressed, Andrea's jealousy is just dripping off the screen, and Brandon's tshirt sleeves and rolled up and rarin' to go. You'll never guess who sent the flowers. That's right, Brenda did! (Just kidding- Brenda didn't really send them, even though she wanted to, because Brenda and Brandon are extremely close siblings). Actually, they're from...
59:35...Maryann, of course, sending Andrea into a jealous rage whereupon she simply continues her meandering existence as editor-in-chief of the West Beverly Blaze. Glad we wrapped up that bit of suspense. Yawn.
1:00:50 This is amusing. Exhitbit A, Steve Sanders, ranting and raving like a lunatic, wearing tight white pants and that sharp orange leather jacket, handing out 'wanted' ads to random student passersby, promising $50 to anyone who finds the 'nerd' who drove him home and smashed the 'vette. Exhibit B, Young David Silver, standing behind a brick column, dressed incognito and to the nines in brown shoes, tight/cuffed tan pants, black shirt with a massive peace sign on it, bowler hat and sunglasses, hiding from Steve. Exhibit C, Young Scott Scanlon, hiding behind Young David Silver, back from the dead and probably violating child labor laws in the form of Douglas Emerson. To top it all off, Steve then hands a flyer to Young David, completely oblivious to the fact that this is the very geek/dweeb he's looking for. You can't buy that sort of comedy. Lancer clearly attended the wrong high school.
1:02:00 Out for a spirited post-school jog with his fellow West Beverly track stars, Brandon is beseiged by horny 16-year olds dying to know what happened with Maryann. Well, Brandon must have left his moral compass at home today, because while he doesn't exactly SAY something happened, he certainly doesn't dispel the notion either. As omniscient viewer, Lancer can say with certainly that NOTHING happened that night fellas, c'mon, move along, party's over, nothing to see here. However, no one's listening. "Use your imagination, guys." Brandon says. We know what happens when guys use their imagination.
1:03:14 You won't believe this, but I'm telling you, words is spreading around West Beverly about Brandon and Maryann faster than you can say 'we're not in Minnesota anymore, Toto.' It's just been broadcast from the West Beverly radio station. You know it's bad when Brandon kicks Brenda out of the girl without so much as an open-mouthed kiss between them.
1:05:02 Maryann walks up to Brandon in the hallway and punches him in the tummy. Brandon says 'oof', which represents the sharpest stretch of dialogue we've heard thus far.
1:06:55 A newly-reenergized Andrea Zuckerman gives Brandon a well-deserved comeuppance in Spanish class, calling him gutless and saying she had lost all respect for him. Then she sits down, and immediately begins swooning about the Brandon she knew from 48 hours ago.
1:09:12 Young David Silver and Young Scott Scanlon get themselves into a bit of pickle by breaking into Steve's 'vette during the middle of school to retrieve Young Scott Scalon's prized Lakers hat (he has his name sewn into it, you see). An alarm goes off, Steve finds them, and is about to wallop Young David Silver to a bloody pulp when Young David Silver apologizes and tells him he knows a guy in the Valley who can fix 'vettes real cheap; so cheap, in fact, that if Stevie gets a good insurnace quote, he can maybe...possibly...who knows...make some money off of this? This appeals to brain-dead Steve, and Young David Silver's life is spared, freeing him to futility attempt to get DMG! in bed for most of the rest of the series. Young Scott Scanlon remarks to his best pal that that was the "studliest thing I've ever seen." Oh, good. We needed some thinly-veiled homo-eroticism to go along with our incestuous siblings. Perhaps Lancer should blog Big Love for his next venture.
1:11:29 Second Jim Walsh sighting! Second Jim Walsh sighting! It's supper time at the Walsh house (Cindy's world famous homemade pot roast is on the menu), except Brenda has a date with playboy lawyer Jason (even though she's pretending it's just a night out with the girls, although Lancer can smell her perfume through his trusty speakers). Big Jim doesn't like the sound of this: "On a Tuesday night? Don't you have homework?" Bless you, Jim Walsh. Always the voice of reason.
1:14:00 Defying the school night gods, Brenda goes out on a double date with playboy lawyer Jason and another lawyer couple. The highlight of dinner comes when Brenda informs the group that her major is astronomy. Then, Jason and Brenda make out in the car. Then, Jason implores her to spend the night at his place on Friday. Finally, Brenda walks home after Jason drives away. I'm so riveted I can't even form complex sentences.
1:15:40 Brandon goes on West Beverly's radio station (emceed by a young MC Hammer lookalike) to tell the world that NOTHING HAPPENED on his date with Maryann (Lancer tried telling everyone this at least twice before, but no one was listening), and he appeals for mercy before a benevolent, well-dressed God with rolled up tshirt sleeves.
1:17:30 Brenda can't decide whether she wants to sleep with Jason and/or tell him the truth about her status in this life. Even worse, she just got a D- in chemistry, and has to see the principal (a male version of Mrs. Teasley named Mr. Clayton, complete with a very un-feminine yet neatly trimmed moustache. Again, pilot episodes).
1:18:57 Brandon and Maryann make up, thanks to Brandon's public mea culpa. She's going to stay home this weekend, but she'll call him about next weekend. You know, for a date.
1:22:02 And the walls come crashing down on the character no one gives a flying hoot about. Long story short: Andrea didn't hear Brandon's public apology, Andrea denies Brandon's offer to drive her home so he could explain himself, so instead he follows the public bus she takes onto the goddamn LA Freeway and drives around for 524 hours before suddenly realizing "wait a minute. Why do you go to West Beverly High? You don't live anywhere near Beverly Hills." Busted! Turns out Andrea pretends she does (using her grandmother's 90210 address) so she can attend the best school in the city. Counting Andrea and Brandon, this brings the total number of people who care about this situation to 2.
1:26:20 For the second time this evening, playboy lawyer Jason has made Lancer chuckle out loud in spite of himself. Out at a fancy dinner on Friday night, thinking he's gonna get laid, Brenda instead breaks the news that, alas, she's 16 and a junior at West Beverly. So much for best-laid plans (good pun by Lancer!). After over-acting his way into anger, Jason, dumbfounded by this turn of events, exclaims "I should sue your parents." Extreme hilarity. God bless lawyers. This playboy lawyer Jason deserves someone better, like Kelly.
1:29:09 Ever the gentleman, playboy lawyer Jason drives Brenda home, where it's revealed to 90210 Nation that Brenda is in fact a virgin. This changes...well, everything. Doesn't it? Sure. Brenda races home into the waiting arms of Cindy, tears flow, Jim Walsh (third sighting! third sighting!) looks tremendously concerned, and finally, Brenda excuses herself, as she has "a lot of catching up to do on my chemistry." I'm so choked up I can hardly type.
1:32:40 We end on an all-too-familiar note: Brenda, in skimpy pajamas, lying next to Brandon in his bed, and they talk about sex. Which, of course, neither of them had.
And so ends the pilot. Lancer needs a beer. See you next time.