Serial Drama

Sorry, I Can't Blog Anymore

Because my EYES have rolled fully back into my HEAD therefore rendering me blind, due to watching this stupid "trial" on General Hospital the last couple of days.  I get that the powers-that-be are too cheap and/or arrogant to hire a legal consultant -- and really, who am I to know or demand perfect legal accuracy, or at least who am I to do it repeatedly -- but for the love of god, have these people never even seen an episode of Law & Order?  Evidence has to be relevant.  Attorneys don't get to argue in their opening statements or while they're questioning witnesses.  A prosecutor can't run around calling a defendant a mobster and a "hired killer."  Criminal trials aren't just a parade of character witnesses.  A DA can't talk to a defendant without the defense attorney present and can't have a thousand conflicts of interest.  A murder case without a body, a witness, a confession, or a weapon isn't airtight.  Witnesses don't sit and chat with each other while they watch other witnesses testify on closed-circuit TV.  SO STUPID.

While the writers time and again scoff at the notion of any semblance of factual accuracy, I'm making my own list of random other things that should be happening repeatedly:

• Carly shutting up
• Coop getting shirtless
• Liz growing a spine
• Maxie touching up her roots
• Jerry getting smacked
• Spinelli chilling out
• Jason cutting his hair

I am reasonable and would therefore settle for any three of the above.  As long as one is Carly shutting up, because my eardrums are important to me.

I Am A Horrible Person

I wasn't sure what to think of Tammin Sursok's debut as Colleen Carlton today. I tried to go in with an open mind, really I did, I swear! All I could muster was "Woo! Another Fivehead club member representing. High five!"

And that quickly led to "You know, it's not so much Tammin Sursok as it is Tammin Sure Sucks"

I am truly a horrible person, aren't I? And I should give the poor girl a chance, no? After all, it's not her fault that they fired Adrianne Leon and forbade her from attending the Daytime Emmys on a Friday and had her replacement in the next workday. And it's not her fault that she has a fivehead. And it's certainly not her fault that the producers were dumb enough to hire a relatively inexperienced Australian actress without a firm grasp on accents to play a girl who spent most of her life in Wisconsin and New York.

I really shouldn't take my anger over Adrianne Leon's firing out on her. She had nothing to do with it. Perhaps I will blame it all on Don Diamont instead, just for kicks.

General Hospital Week in Review

I should have known better than to hope based on last week that this show might start to get consistently good.  I don't know what I was thinking.  It must have been that doesn't-actually-exist aphrodisiac/upper that I accidentally took instead of my vitamins.  I hate it when that happens!  Anyway, there were a few fun moments, but you know it's a slow week when the big Friday cliffhanger is . . . Jason's trial is about to start.  The murder trial of the central character of this show, who if he were to go to prison would eliminate 80% of the storylines.  So I am just anxious as all get-out about the outcome of the trial (it's such a close call!), and find its looming start to be fascinating TV.  Or, I find the ongoing saga of "what will Steve Burton do next to make his hair even more grievously unattractive" to be the more compelling suspense plot.  You decide.

I think Alexis and Carly should have gotten a 13-episode spin-off.  They are fantastic together.

I would totally watch it.  Alexis could teach Carly about the benefits of foundation garments, inside voices, how to make Sonny tolerable, what a professional woman's wardrobe should look like, and how to raise your older child not to be a demon spawn.  And Carly could teach Alexis . . . well, Alexis could teach Carly lots of stuff and Carly's hair could look really cute while she got schooled.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

I will admit I am increasingly grumpy lately, but this show has moved far away from awesome again, hasn't it?  As we've said around here before, it's so hit or miss.  The daily dialogue is much better than it was a year ago, and I don't routinely want to throw stuff at my TV, but I don't look forward to it like I was a couple of months ago.  Mostly I think the suckage of the Touch the Sky and Vegas storylines has finally trumped the fabulous of the veterans and the Brady/DiMera story. 

I will start with the absolute worst.   I think you know of what I speak.  That guest "star."  (I don't want to use his name because I fear the people who will land here pursuant to Google searches for him.  We must keep this place pure as the driven snow, as it always has been.)

I am one of those snobs who thinks that the guest star's show contributes to the dumbing down of America.  However, I am also one of those cheesy reality TV junkies who was slightly won over by him on Dancing With the Stars.  But why did they have him contaminate my soap?  Why?  In a story that managed to 1) disgustingly involve a freshly-used glass eyeball as a good luck charm, 2) feature twin extras that could not even stand still convincingly, 3) mock head injuries, 4) display acting abilities from said guest star on par with my grade-school nativity pageant, and 5) make blackjack the classiest and most watchable thing in a scene?

It's like the showrunners can't get used to not being the subject of ridicule.  When you make the Best Week Ever website, and in your case "best" is being used ironically, you're in trouble.  You might as well start gearing up for another island full of un-dead people.

Night Shift Episode 3: Paternity Ward

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Jason was sentenced to mopping floors and wandering the hallways as community service for shooting Spinelli; Billy Dee Williams was creepy; Maxie was admitted to GH with a possibly life-threatening illness and bonded with Dr. Julian; Dr. Ford hated the human race; Stan hated corporate America and The Man; the writers found the concept of boobs to be absolutely LOL hilarious; Leyla was inappropriate with Patrick; the show decided to clumsily tackle serious racial issues; Sgt. Unsavory attacked Lainey, opened up to her and then asked her out for coffee; Kelly and Stan had some hot shower action; Clown Tapestry Lady made a reference to being stabbed by produce; _________ Barrett knows who Jason is; Patrick lost the "hotly" descriptor on account of being sleazy; the show sucked in myriad ways. 

And I had been really delighted by the pilot, clunkiness and Grey's Anatomy overtones aside. It's my own fault for being naive, you know? What on earth was I doing being optimistic about a show run by the same people currently ruining General Hospital? That's like tuning into According to Jim and earnestly looking for laughs. Foolish!

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Sometimes I wonder if Awesome Writer writes silly lines just to have a laugh at the expense of the other, unawesome writers. Because the alternative is that these lines are meant to be serious, and that is just too tragic for me to think about right now.

LUCKY: Sam, I'm a cop. You know, I've questioned a lot of people, and I've learned when somebody isn't telling the whole truth

Oh, dear. Why do I get the feeling that the only questioning Lucky does is asking the police dogs "Which way did he go?"

SAM: [To Nikolas] Look, your brother's not stupid

I guess she's right in that "stupid" probably isn't the PC term for whatever it is that Lucky is, but still: really, Sam? That's like saying "Look, the character of Scotty Baldwin hasn't been bastardized beyond all recognition" or "Look, the actress who plays Alice can clearly act without reading cue cards".

I have to digress for a moment and mention that Laura Wright was separated at birth from Chelsea Handler. Or they are at least distant cousins of some sort. They have the exact same smirk and shriek action going on. I'm also beginning to think that if Kelly Monaco keeps tanning at this alarming rate, she will be able to pass for Magda from There's Something About Mary.

Disturbia

I find it COMPLETELY disturbing that someone was like, "You know what daytime doesn't have enough of? Scenes of a horrible car wreck that prominently feature a child's car seat thrown from a car onto a jetty of some sort. Bonus points if the scene has a baby's anguished crying in the background! Uh, can we say RATINGS BONANZA?!?!"

As I've said before, I find it completely awful and exploitative when All My Children goes to the "baby in jeopardy" well (um, no pun intended), and they do it far too often. Has there ever been a baby on this show who had a happy, normal childhood that didn't include some sort of injury or near death experience? Because as far as I can remember over the past few years, it's been tragedy after tragedy

SPIKE was almost killed before he was born when JR botched his attempted murder of Babe

MIRANDA was babynapped by Babe and Krystal

ADAM III AKA LIL'A was presumed dead and babynapped by Babe and Jamie

JENNY was babynapped and sold on the black market

KATE AKA KATHY was stolen by Greg Madden and Tad didn't know she was even born

LEORA died

Let's just go ahead and rename this show "All My Maimed and/or Deceased Children"  because obviously these writers don't know nothing about birthing healthy babies.

Also, this tragic event fully highlights the fact that Spike needs an actual, human name immediately. Because whenever someone let out a tormented "What happened to Spike??", I found myself completely taken out of the scene, tsk-tsking about how the child deserves a real name. Even worse, when the newscaster solemnly discussed "Fusion mogul" Kendall going into the hospital while her son Spike Lavery went missing, I burst out laughing. I know I'm going to hell for it, but...come on. Worst name ever.

That'll Teach Me

May I be gauche, and quote myself?  Particularly if it's to make me look foolish?  Great, thanks.

Factual accuracy aside, during these scenes, Maurice Bernard was almost...hot.  I don't know, you guys.  Maybe I'm accidentally on Viagra.  However, if Kate and Sonny hook up while she's all stoned on whatever phony drug she's on that doesn't actually exist, all my Sonny hate will be back in full force. I will give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume they won't do something that skeevy.  (Yeah, I don't know what's gotten into me, either.)

Sigh.  When will I learn?

They had the decency to miraculously "sober" Kate up from the "Viagra" she was on, but still, skeevy.

Oh, and SoapNet/ABC, thanks ever so much for telling me what was going to happen in the episode in an email that arrived before the show aired. 

There are a few people who try to stay spoiler-free, although I really should start reading them so that I know when to skip this mess of a show altogether.  (And they didn't even limit themselves to one day -- the Jason thing I assume is tomorrow, although really he could be under attack from gunmen on any day.)

But really . . . "gives in to the passion"?  "makes love" (do not EVEN get me started on this, my most hated phrase in all of soapdom)?  Skeevy. 

And I knew from the start that Kate would end up hooking up with Sonny, but they couldn't have dragged it out a bit longer?  You know, like they do on soap operas?

Oh show, why do you suck so?

P.S.  The only slight silver lining is that since they apparently didn't have sex back when they dated as teenagers, they can't have a secret kid.  Thank GOD.

Maybe They Use Soap, or Go to the Opera?

I've apparently been living under a rock, because I was unaware of this new show SoapNet is debuting in August called The Fashionista Diaries.  I've watched the "sneak peek" and . . . what am I missing?  What does this have to do with soaps?  Why is SoapNet airing this instead of an actual soap?  I think they were already stretching the boundaries when they brought in One Tree Hill and The O.C., but have they just thrown the definition out altogether now?  I'm pretty much a SoapNet fangirl, but they're testing me with this.

I love me some fashion, but I don't tune in to the Style Channel to watch General Hospital, so what is this all about?  And is this the start of a bizarre trend?  Will HGTV soon start airing Law and Order reruns?

General Hospital Week in Review

Maybe it's just because I'm comparing it to what I thought was a terrible second episode of Night Shift, but this week GH seemed pretty good.  There were lots of enjoyable scenes, and less focus on Sonny and Jason.  Who I'm not hating lately.  Before you get enraged, let's start off talking about fashion.  Cute clothes make everything better.

I think I might have to disagree with Elle Woods and say that whoever said orange is the new pink might not be seriously disturbed.  Somehow several Port Charles women managed to wear orange this week and look fabulous, instead of like jack-o-lanterns as would be the case for most of us mere mortals.

By the way, I think Megan Ward's hair might be able to cure cancer.