90210: Season 1, Episode 3
We must begin with a retraction. Reader 'Snarkgirl' has alerted us over at Blog Headquarters that our previous post included a time snafu- when discussing the trials and tribulations of the U.S. Postal Service as it relates to delivering the Walsh mail, we put Minnesota two hours behind California instead of two hours ahead. This was an egregious, and Lancer is embarassed that he has let his readership down; as such, he has banned himself from The Green Room for one week and hopes against hope that you all forgive him. Luckily, though, his TV privileges remain intact, so on we go!
Season 1, Episode 3: Every Dream Has Its Price
(Editor's note #7:This reminds us of the 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' ditty sung by the good folks over at Poison. Remember? 'Just like every night has its dawn', and 'just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad, song', and what have you).
1:52 Nothing is happening yet, so we're lazily watching until we see the name 'Joe E. Tata' come up on the list of guest stars. Ahh. Yes, indeed. That name sounds familiar. So, since we have nothing better to do, we decided to look him up on Wikipedia. You'll notice he has a two sentence entry, the second of which claims that he is 'perhaps best known' for playing Nat on 90210. Ya think? Nat's funniest scene ever, for our money, is when he gives Andrea a framed Peach Pit menu as a farewell gift and says 'you'll always have a table here, darlin', as Andrea bawls her eyes out and Gabrielle Carteris wonders how she ever lasted until Season 5. That, of course, is the scene immediately preceding the 'I choose me' scene with Kelly, Brandon, and Dylan, which haunts me no end to this very day. We have to stop talking about that now.
4:15 Cindy Walsh potters around her garden, refusing Brenda's request for $120 to go horseback riding Then, as the Walsh twins race off to school, she is approached by Anna, the Spanish-speaking maid. Remember her? One of the characters that will eventually disappear with no explanation, like the middle sister on Family Matters. Speaking of which, did you know that actress went into porn? Can you imagine? What was Reginald Veljohnson's reaction when he heard about that?
5:04 At school, Brenda sees Kelly happily chatting with another girl about expensive cars and clothes. Brenda looks quite sad and more than a little, dare we say, jealous (perhaps she is not only incestuous, but a bisexual one at that. No wonder Shannen Doherty went crazy), leading to the following exchange with another cast extra:
Brenda: "I didn't know she and Kelly were such good friends."
Cast extra: "EX- good friends, from grade school."
Do girls really say things like 'ex-good friends'? This is why Lancer loves the men's bathroom at work.
5:27 Cindy frantically calls Jim Walsh at work, wondering who this Anna woman is and why she is cleaning their house. Jim, who is looking Extremely Important At The Ofice, tells her Anna is known by a colleague and helpfully adds that she cleans houses. Cindy has no life, and neither does this episode.
5:46 Cindy just said to Jim that she 'has no life', not 19 seconds after our analysis bore this same conclusion! How fruitful!
10:15 This is so boring we're seriously considering switching to blogging Saved by the Bell. Just had literally like a three-minute scene where Brandon searches for an after-school job. We see Brandon writing down jobs, looking at different stores, crossing names off the list, wash/rinse/repeat. No dialogue and bad music playing the whole time. This must be further punishment for that awful time mistake from last blog. Sigh.
10:48 Brandon finally lands a job at some fancy-ass restaurant not named the Peach Pit, even though he has no experience. Clearly, the woman who hired him finds him attractive, because every girl he comes into contact with wants to be his lover. Just like Lancer's life, except, the reverse. Meanwhile, Joe E. Tata is sobbing uncontrollably off-camera, trying to say 'you'll always have a table here, Brand-O' as he bronzes a Peach Pit menu and blows his nose. Meanwhile, in real life, a car alarm just went off on the street, which is infinitely more exciting than anything happening on the DVD.
11:35 Brenda, Kelly, the girl Kelly seems to temporarily like better than Brenda (otherwise known as Tiffany), and the aforementioned Cast Extra all go shopping. Here, we learn from the Cast Extra that Kelly and Tiffany's relationship 'went nuclear' when Kelly was dating Steve in Season Zero, and only just started speaking again when they discovered they had English class together (Brenda is in this class too, where the current book selection is "Les Miserables', which, roughly speaking, translates into 'joie de vivre, in reverse').
11:46 Dialogie exchange between Kelly and Brenda as they try on clothes and Lancer puts toothpicks in his eyes to stay awake:
Brenda: "Kelly, do you think one event can change your whole life?"
Kelly: "Sure, like in Pretty Woman!"
Awfully amusing. Kelly, you had us at hello.
12:26 While in the changing room, Tiffany stuffs some clothes in her oversized eyesore of a bag. Heh heh. That, friends, is called shoplifting, and it is a crime. No wonder Mom wouldn't let us watch this when we were little.
12:47 Tiffany walks out the door with her shoplifted merchandise. No alarm? No security guard? Major suspension of disbelief here. And here we thought this was an actual portrayal of real people and real places and real circumstances.
17:48 Worst episode is the history of American television. Severe understatement. Brenda brings Tiffany over for a playdate, with Tiffany wearing one of the dresses she stole at the store. They come into the Walsh house to find Cindy and Anna cleaning together, leading Tiffany to say:
"You'll never see my mom with a cleaning utensil in her hand. (dramatic pause). You'll never see my mom at all."
18:19 Discussing Les Mis, Tiffany casually mentions to Brenda that she's never steal. YOU LYING BITCH, YOU OUGHT TO DIE AND BURN IN HELL. Then, Tiffany asks Brenda if she could stash some her things there when they go out. She gets the green light to do so...and then throws all the stolen dresses into a corner of Brenda's closet. Riotous. We've turned a corner, this is turning into a classic.
20:50 First night on the job for Brandon. He thinks he's gonna be a waiter, but is made into a busboy. He will get no tips this evening. Then, while in the kitchen, he realizes everyone back there is Mexican, and they're working their tales off for peanuts. You can just see Brandon's Moral-odometer revving its engine. Priceless.
21:30 Brenda and Tiffany go back to the same store as before. Tiffany attempts to stuff another shirt into her bag, but this time, the salesperson sees this shenanigan and stops her in the act. Brenda, who had causally approached the salesdesk searching for something in a larger size, is implicated in the scandel, where we will hereby dub 'Poisongate' in honor of the lyrics we reminded of earlier. Lancer is clapping his hands with glee. Three cheers for the rule of law!
22:59 Cut to Jim and Cindy at home, while their son is fearing illegal immigrants and Brenda is about to receive the death penalty. Jim is beat after a day of work, but then starts "perking up" when he realizes the "kids are out" and the house is "nice and quiet." Hmm. Cindy gets a gleam in her eye, gets up...and pours him a cup of coffee. Upon sitting down, Jim can't contain himself any longer, and he kisses his blushing bride. Then, the scene stops, and we all calm down.
24:17 Brenda and Tiffany are locked in the back room of the store while the security guard "calls their parents" and "prepares the electric chair." Brenda is seething with anger, but Tiffany accuses of her of wanting to steal the shirt herself, and claims 'I was only doing it for you.'
26:34 Brandon comes home after his night in the 9th circle of hell. Jim slaps his knee, reminisces about working two jobs while he was in high school 'back in the stone age', and tells Brandon he's proud of him for working so hard. Males are proud of Brandon, females want to be with Brandon. Brandon, Brandon, Brandon! Then, the phone rings. "It's Brenda," Jim gravely intones after he hangs up. "She been caught shoplifting." Cindy goes bonkers blasting the Beverly Hills image-conscious lifestyle while Jim swiftly pulls on his wool blazer and buttons it up to keep extra-warm (the world may be ending, but that Jim Walsh is one prudent fellow). Brandon admonishes them for not having faith in Brenda, spinning tales of Minneapolis Brenda being a goody two-shoes, but Cindy snaps 'That was before Beverly Hills!'
28:30 Tiffany convinces the store manager to just let her buy the clothes in question, and he doesn't press charges (see? Money fixes everything.) Thank God. Jim is willing to forget the whole situation (after all, he has tennis with a client tomorrow, and he looks damn handsome in that blazer) but Cindy still looks perturbed. Remember, kids, the other stolen merchandise is still in Brenda's closet.
30:41 Jim and Cindy go out for a Saturday morning power walk. If you think Jim looked solid in that blazer, then you oughta seem him in his sky-blue warmup suit. Cindy is still fretting about Brenda's possible kleptomania tendencies. Lancer is just impressed that she is able to walk so well with that pole up her ass. Jim Walsh could do much better.
31:46 Anna is cleaning their home, and brings Cindy a pile of clothes for the laundry. Unfortunately for Brenda, these happen to be the stolen clothes, and she's in the room when this happens. Un oh.
34:04 Emotionally charged scene between Cindy and Brenda. Brenda bawling that her mother actually thinks she would steal, Cindy screaming that there's nothing else for her to think at this point. Brenda counters with a blubbery 'it has been SO HARD to fit in here', while Cindy bounces back with a tearjerked 'It's been hard for me too, you know!' Brenda volleys with a line about Cindy giving Anna money but wont give an allowance to her daughter; Cindy counters that Anna needs the money more than Brenda does (All this verbal thrust-and-parry and fake crying is reminding Lancer that he could use some new clothes himself, even though he is by his own admission a terrible shopper. However, he does not mind the TJ Maxx store. Brand names for less, you know). The scene ends with Cindy storming out of Brenda's room, and Brenda packing her bags to move in with Dylan, even though they haven't been formally introduced yet.
37:02 Brenda confronts Tiffany at Tiffany's palatial, parent-less abode. Tiffany wont hear of it, and tells Brenda to 'go back to Minneapolis'. In other news, rumor has it that this episode's screenplay was written by Tori Spelling.
37:50 Brandon is in the midst of another overworked, underpaid, non-appreciated night at the restaurant...when Dylan shows up! Yes! Dylan's back, wearing those same funny overalls again with one strap hanging down, and a solid blue tshirt underneath. Lancer is suddenly pleased that he himself used to sport 'Osh Kosh B-Gosh' back in his salad days.
39:20 In a fit of moral rage, Brandon quits his job and informs his evil boss that when he writes up a piece in the West Beverly Blaze about how she pays her kitchen staff workers less than minimum wage, the parents in town won't eat there anymore. That's a laugh. Although, we're pleased as punch with this further proof that Brandon supports the common man. Plus, Dylan is proud of him, and decides to take him to a better, more family-friendly place to eat. You know, one that spins tune on a juke box...and has a friendly owner...and serves...peach.....pie...
40:22 62 seconds later, Nat hires Brandon Walsh to work at the Peach Pit. Somewhere, an angel in heaven gets her wings.
42:30 Tiffany comes over to the Walsh house and offers a mea culpa to Cindy. She admits she stole the clothes and tells Cindy that Brenda is "really cool." How do you like that.
44:44 All is right with the Walshes. It's been a trying time, but Cindy trusts Brenda again, Jim is even prouder of Brandon, and they're all eating together. Episode over.
Tremendous episode. Try as he might, Lancer can't help feeling the emotional upheaval of it all, and he is now the one sobbing uncontrollably. Good night.