90210: Season 1, Episode 2
Greetings, soap lovers! Your old friend Lancer back, with a heartfelt apology for the delay between posts. Your intrepid hero was off on a 2-week search for Andrea Zuckerman's relevance. Finding nothing (but not for lack of trying), he has returned with a renewed sense of optimism, spirit, and joie de vivre (for those who do not speak French, 'joie de vivre' roughly translates to 'James Eckhouse's bald spot'). Anyway, good to be back, and let's get right to it!
Season 1, Episode 2: The Green Room
1:15 This episode opens with a montage of Brandon Walsh surfing and having a grand old time. Upon reaching shore, he slicks back his enormous shock of hair and moseys up the beach, where he is greeted by a buxom blonde with two ample, large-sized...well, buxoms, if you will. She whispers his name very slowly, as two-syllable words seem to give her great trouble, and the B-man is about to reply when...it's just a dream! Whoa! And not only that, the girl actually whispering his name is his incestuous twin sister, Brenda, who's waking him up for school! Glad to see this twincest continues!
1:30 As Brenda exits the room to dream about her brother, she admonishes him to get up because 'school starts in 16 minutes.' Quick camera flash to Brandon's alarm clock, which shows a time of 7:44 PST. Um, what? What high school begins first period at 8 am, and how does one matriculate there? Lancer spent many an unhappy morning way back when struggling to rise at 6 am for first period French class, and let's just say there wasn't much 'joie de vivre' going around.
1:53 Aaron Spelling and his producer friends still haven't figured out the traditional intro yet. This time, we see a post man walking in a big snowstorm toward a house that the savvy viewer knows must be in MINNESOTA, FROM WHENCE THE WALSHES CAME. This is confirmed when we see mail in the mailbox that must be forwarded to Beverly Hills, 90210. And the '90210' on the envelope thus kick-starts the opening credits with the non-traditional music and so forth. Abysmal, just abysmal. Also, if it's 7:44 PDT (Editor's note #4: since this is presumably September for the start of school, we're still on Daylight Saving Time, not Standard time. Lancer asks you, dear reader, have you ever met a savvier blogger than he? What's that you say? Ahh. Well, yes, he agrees, Evil But Twinless and Promising Ingenue are way savvier), it's 5:44 CST in Minnesota. What kind of mailman delivers the mail at this hour? Is that how it's done in Minnesota? Can anyone confirm? What a hardy bunch of weirdos over there.
2:29 The opening credits are rolling, and then, it happens. For the first time in 90210 history, we see the words 'Luke Perry' on the screen, and a shot of Dylan Mckay. The greatest TV legend this side of Zack Morris will obviously make his first appearance, and we here at Blog Headquarters are absolutely stoked.
3:04 The opening credits end with another hot blonde delivering the Walsh's mail...this time to the correct location in sunny, warm Beverly Hills. Perhaps this was the same woman from Brandon's dream? If that's the case, do we think she knows how to spell 'mail'? Can we get a director's cut edition?
3:10 We now have proper stock footage of the Walsh house exterior. The world makes sense again.
3:15 Proper stock footage of Walsh house interior. The world makes tremendous sense right now.
3:28 Brenda asks Cindy how many calories are in a slice of cucumber. She's officially gone Beverly Hills, 90210 on us. Can't see her lasting more than four seasons at this rate.
5:19 Another morning at West Bev. Brandon and Brenda run into Kelly and DMG! (that's how we refer to Donna Martin around here, if you're a newcomer. DMG! = Donna Martin Graduates!) As Brandon quickly extricates himself from this uncomfortable situation of being around other girls besides his sister or Maryann, we have DMG's first legitimate line of dialogue:
"Brenda, your brother is TOTALLY dope."
Ladies and Gentlemen, Tori Spelling!
6:20 Brief scene of Young David Silver trying to ingratiate himself with standoffish Steve Sanders. Scene is only notable because we see Young Scott Scanlon is hanging around wearing his Magic Johnson t-shirt. Last episode was James Worthy. We bet Kareem Abdul-Jabber is next. And, we're guessing that Young Scott Scalon is a Lakers fan. That's why we get paid the big bucks around here.
7:44 Brandon is assigned to write a piece for the Blaze about his life as a transfer student. We could swear that the faculty advisor for the Blaze was making eyes at him. Let's take a second and recap Brandon Walsh's love interests in one+ episodes so far, shall we?
- Brenda Walsh.
- Maryann Moore.
- Kelly thinks he's cute.
- DMG! thinks he's totally dope.
- Andrea Zuckerman.
- The faculty advisor for the Blaze.
- Nat, soon enough.
That's why he's legend 1A around here. And we haven't even met Nikki, Celeste, Lucinda, Clare, Valerie, Susan, Tracey, or all the others yet. Now, just for kicks, let's take a minute and recap Lancer's current love interests:
8:44 Young Scott Scanlon working hard at his computer in design class designing something of little importance. Two hoodlums attempt to mess with him and delete said program. Brandon, who is studiously doing something studious in the room, verbally expresses his displeasure with these antics, but hoodlum #2 is about to press delete, when all of a sudden, from the back of the room, we hear...
"Touch that board, my friend. Please, touch it. (Moving closer to hoodlums, who look awfully worried). You know, the tragedy of this country is that cretins like you two end up running it. Let me tell you something, just so you know in advance: I am not in a good mood today. In fact, I'm feeling a little hostile."
Ladies and Germs, Legend #1 around here: Dylan McKay. Lancer's goosebumps have goosebumps. Suffice it to say, our hoodlums left the room faster than we can type it.
10:05 Brandon and Dylan meet for the first time. Lancer is imploring his goosebumps to take it easy, to no avail.
10:58 Brandon invites Dylan to lunch. Dylan parries that thrust by taking for a ride in the Porsche to teach him surfing. If the stores were open late, Lancer would immediately go purchase a trusty board and attempt to hone his craft in honor of these two gentlemen. Seriously, what other twosome can possibly rival them? Woodward and Bernstein? Nah. Cassidy and Sundance? Forget it. Mantle and Maris? Puh-leeze. Zack and Slater? Well...close, but no cigar.
11:15 "I don't know, Dylan, I've got this editorial I gotta write." With that, Brandon officially becomes an Eagle Scout.
11:57 Brandon has a boogie board and his wearing big funky flippers. Highly amusing.
12:42 Brandon wipes out on his boogie board, leading Dylan to call out "Yo, Minnesota, you alright?" If Lancer ever meets someone from Minnesota, he will refer to this person as 'Minnesota.' This is a solemn promise.
13:12 We learn that 'The Green Room' refers to the perfect wave in the ocean. In fact, the cast extra who informed us of this tidbit adds the adjective 'gnarly.' (Editor's note #5: did we spell this correctly?) In any event, don't have a cow man. Surf's up. Ice ice baby.
14:39 The aforementioned cast extra turns out to be Sara, a blonde who surfs, who is not dissimilar from the blonde we saw in Brandon's dream this morning, and who is, of course, quite taken with him, because every girl is quite taken with Brandon, and this NEVER happens to Lancer, not matter how hard he tries and how suave he attempts to be, and it's just not fair, and when will the ladies flock to him, and when it ever work out? In other news, Brandon's total surfing dream is happening, all in less than 15 minutes of air time. Huzzah!
14:40 There would have been a commercial break here, but as the proud owner of The Complete Season 1 on DVD, Lancer does not have to suffer through such trivial nonsense. That, in a word, is gnarly.
15:30 Brenda and Kelly go shopping for a weekend at the beach. Brenda looks on forlonly as Kelly pays for, like, the raddest jeans, like, ever, with a credit card.
16:11 Samantha Sanders informs Steve that he should be nice to Young David Silver, because Young David Silver's dad, Mel, is a TV producer who is putting together a series that ol' Sam would like a part in. That's really impressive that Mel Silver finds time to be a TV producer when he's not being a dentist.
18:15 Brandon skips out on dinner (Cindy, who is whipping up a fancy feast, is already sad because Jim is away on business in Chicago, and now Brandon's leaving, sending her into a deep, spiraling depression that leads to drug and alcohol abuse. Whoops. That's Jackie Taylor, sorry Cindy). Brandon informs Mom that he's got to work on his editorial at the library...but then we see that he actually hops into Dylan's car for a night of supposed debauchery! Oh no! What's going on here? Brandon downgraded back to a Boy Scout!
21:13 After a brief scene where Brenda and Cindy talk about clothes (moral of the story: expensive doesn't always mean better), we're back with Brandon and Dylan racing in the Porsche to the BelAge Hotel, trailed by Sara and two other surfer dudes whom we met this afternoon with Brandon cut school to go surfing (what the hell has gotten into Brandon? Does the Blaze faculty advisor know about this, and if so, does this make her like Brandon even more?). Brandon notices that Dylan has a book of poems in his car written by Byron. Dylan describes this as 'leisure reading.' He's so cool.
23:30 The crew breaks into one of the hotel rooms and orders room service. This does not strike Lancer like a wholesome activity, and fortunately, Brandon returns to his roots and agrees. Despite entreaties from Dylan ('relax, Minnesota') and Sara ('Brandon, stay with me') Brandon leaves the scene of the crime and is thereby restored to Eagle Scout level.
23:57 Dylan catches up to Brandon in the hallway, where we learn this the BelAge Hotel doubles as Dylan's house. He says it's 'Dad's corporate pad, and it's mine when he's away', which, of course, is a thinly-veiled reference to Jack McKay, who is a legend in his own right, as is the actor from The Hogan Family who played him. Also, he doesn't really die when the car gets blown up, even though we think he does at the time. Please don't tell anyone that though, or else it will ruin the Eddie Waitkus episode from Season 10.
24:31 Brandon is not moved by Dylan's lack of parental oversight, and when Dylan implores him to stay for the sake of Dylan's reputation, Brandon snaps back with "You're right, wouldn't want to ruin the only real thing you've got." Um, that was one legend upbraiding another one. Lancer feels like he won the Lotto tonight. And have we mentioned that Dylan is wearing a pair of blue overalls with one shoulder strap hanging down? Seriously, how does life get better than this?
25:30 Brandon comes clean to Brenda on Saturday morning, informing her that, no, he wasn't at the library last night, but out with Dylan McKay. Brenda is totally intrigued, though a bit worried because "everyone knows that Dylan McKay is major trouble. I heard he got a girl pregnant in Paris last year." That line is just overflowing with irony, is it not? After all, not only will Brenda fall head over heels for Major Trouble, but she will LOSE HIM when SHE HERSELF goes to PARIS and meets the fellow from The New Adventures of Lois and Clark. And, not only that, but Dylan and Kelly will have themselves a major brouhaha when they travel to Paris and what have you. This is great stuff.
26:15 Kell pulls up to the Walsh abode to fetch Brenda for the day at the beach. Not only does Kelly look drop-dead gorgeous, but she's also driving her red convertible. In case you were wondering, Lancer has a major crush on this vixen. His sunscreen is packed and he is ready to search for seashells.
29:49 Brandon is reluctantly dragged on the beach outing, after earlier opining that Keyyl Taylor is dressed like "a reject from a MegaDeath video." Lancer does not know what this means, but he assumes it is not a compliment (Editor's note #6: were it anyone else disrespecting fair Kelly like this, the author would be compelled to 'take action.' However, this is Brandon Walsh, and he is Legend #1A. Guys have total respect for fellow guys who can slam girls like this and face no repercussions. For a contemporary example of this phenomenon, please see Timberlake, Justin, Spears, Britney, and River, Cry Me A). Anyway, Brandon runs into Sara and the two other surfer dudes, who do not respect Sara one bit. Sara is plastered, and Brandon frowns upon her behavior like the moral bastard he is.
30:59 Brandon runs into Dylan. Dylan apologies and offers a truce, which Brandon accepts. They are now a Band of Brothers.
32:45 Kelly and DMG! decide to leave, since the beach party is "totally beat." Brenda goes to collect Brandon so they can go home, but Kelly inexplicably drives off without them. Brandon says they'll get a ride from Mother Theresa instead (he didn't really say that, but I bet they knew each other). Then Brandon notices...
32:46 ...a surfboard floating in the water...
32:47 ...and tipsy Sara lying caught in a choppy wave...
32:48 ...and methinks an 'action sequence' is coming...
33:00 In the intervening 12 seconds, Sara somehow washed up on the shore like a friggin beached blonde whale, so all Brandon had to do was pick her up and carry her back. Big buildup, little payoff. Lame, dude. Not gnarly.
33:13 Brandon performs some basic 'look, listen, feel', and determines that Sara is not breathing. That's more like it. Resume action sequence now.
33:33 Brandon performing CPR in full force...and the screen fades to black. Sopranos ending, or commercial break?
34:00 The somber-looking doctor in the ER informs Brandon and Brenda that Sara will live, thanks to their efforts (even though Brenda didn't really do anything except wish that she was the recipient of Brandon's CPR), but that she's an alcoholic (Sara, not Brenda). Tough break.
36:00 Next morning, Brandon goes to the beach and confronts the two surfer dudes who perpetually treat Sara with disrespect. A fight just about ensues, and once again, Dylan's intimidation factor saves the day.
36:22 After one surfer dude refers to Brandon as a 'real tool' (finally, modern-day language), Dylan walks up to the guy, puts his arm around him...and then in one motions, stomps on the guy's surfboard, breaking the damn thing in half. Oh yeah! That's what I'm talkin about! Lancer is on Dylan's team! Take that, suckers!!!
38:48 Brandon finally writes his editorial...describing Beverly Hills itself as the supposed 'Green Room' but turning that on its head in saying there should be more to it, and life, than meets the eye. Lord Byron himself never wrote such lyrical prose.
40:55 Dylan, alone in his hotel room,s tries calling his parents in Paris (what's with the Parisian theme here? Lots of 'joie de vivre'). No luck. He's sad. First scene where Dylan broods.
41:51 Ahh, discrepancy cleared up. In an awkward conversation, Young David Silver comes clean that his father, Mel, is actually the oral surgeon, not Mel, the TV producer. Steve rues that he's 'wasted all this time on the wrong dweeb.' Young Scott Scanlon has a fleeting moment of hope in his eye (while wearing a Lakers jersey, because he's a Lakers fan), but alas, he must be the wrong dweeb too, as Steve departs to search for his birth mother. Whoops, getting ahead of ourselves.
44:00 Sara comes back to school! She's got a clean bill of health, loves Brandon to pieces, gives him a big hug, and smiles when Brandon says 'my last name's Walsh. Give me a call sometime, I'm listed.' Ohh, those woebegone days of getting digits from the phone book. What a lovely little reminder of how far we've come as a society since 1990.
44:43 Brandon and Brenda meet up in the hallway, put their arms around each other, and start walking toward the broom closet, where they'll make mad passionate love to each other during fifth period. Or something. Episode over.
If anyone needs Lancer, he'll be in the Green Room. Au revoir!