Days Short Week in Review (Damn You, Tennis!)
It was short but mostly good week in Salem. Today and tomorrow Days is preempted because apparently someone somewhere decided that world-class tennis matches were more interesting that Tony DiMera on a horse in the morning room or James Scott being shirtless, so to that person I say: WHATEVER.
(I actually love tennis, and since the short preview has me worried that the Colleen/Santo story and requisite accents are going to be of The Suck, I'm fine with waiting until next week for it.)
First, the best thing to happen this week: ALICE!
There had been reports that Frances Reid would no longer be appearing on Days, so this was a delight. She brings such heart to the show. I will even bust out the very rare species known as the Justified Nonhumorous E-hug:
(((((Frances Reid as Alice Horton)))))
Okay, that's my schmoopiness maximum for at least the week.
The Hope/Bo/Anna/Roman stuff early in the week was fabulous. I know that "Roman" and any positive attribute in the same sentence will be tough to adjust to, but I think we just might have to acclimate ourselves if these types of interactions continue. Particularly those in which everyone mocks Roman, to his face. For example:
Roman: Long story short, okay? One minute we’re at each other’s throats, the next minute, we’re somewhere else.
Hope: Fireworks, were there? [Ed. Note: What, Yoda?] How were things between the two of you this morning?
Roman: I don’t know.
Hope: Huh? What? What do you mean?
Roman: I left the hotel before she woke up.
Hope: You did what?
Roman: I had errands, okay?! I wanted to make sure the car got washed before it got too crowded!
Hasn't he watched When Harry Met Sally? It's not "I have errands," it's "I have an early squash game." This whole exchange cracked me up, partially due to the fact that Kristian Alfonso and Peter Reckell in particular do comedy really well, and partly because it's just well written. "I wanted to make sure the car got washed!" Dude, you haven't had sex since before Tom Cruise went super-crazy, and you have some serious issues that I won't get into again with your visage. Not to mention that there are 14-year-olds with better game. You need to forget the car and make that woman breakfast in bed and possibly paint her toenails and pick up her dry cleaning. She's waaay too good for you.
Later there was more fun:
Roman: I happen to be very well tuned-in to the opposite sex.
Bo: Yeah, you should have your own talk show.
Roman: You think this is funny?
Bo: A little bit, yeah.
Roman: You’re not going to forgive me for this, are you?
Tamaranna: Well, we could go back to my hotel room and start this day over, and see what happens then.
Roman: What are you trying to say?
I love that the writers have finally clued in and just decided to intentionally write Roman as the doofus he's morphed into over the last decade or so.
Yay, Kayla's back! A reader reminded me that Mary Beth Evans has been off shooting I Wanna Be a Soap Star (she's a judge! not that I care because of course I would never watch that show), so I now forgive Kayla going to the longest medical conference in the history of civilization. I cannot forgive, however, how they continue to dress the fabulous Ms. Evans:
She is not obese. There's no reason that people who are paid to dress actors in a way that makes them look great on camera (let's assume for the sake of argument that that's the mandate of the Days wardrobe department) should make her look like that. Kayla is a doctor, so she can afford great clothes; there's no character-driven reason to so detract from how lovely Mary Beth Evans is.
It is a bit unfair for all the women on this show who have to share scenes with Kristian Alfonso, because she appears to have found some heretofore undiscovered mid-40s upward trajectory for looking spectacular. For a while there she was in desperate need of a cupcake, but lately she's healthily gorgeous.
I don't care if she sold her soul to the devil to look like that, it was a fair deal.
I know it's just a picnic, and I don't expect people to be dressed to the nines, but I had some issues with several of the 4th of July party attendees.
Why was Lexie dressed like it was January?
I'm sure it's easy to lose track of the seasons when you're trapped, hissing and caterwauling in a tunnel underneath a 1980s piano bar, but since apparently Hope is her new best friend she could have at least told Lexie that it's summertime.
It's very Posh Spice. Which, if it's what he was going for and it signals an upcoming drag storyline, I'm totally on board, because anything is preferable to the cousin- and niece-lovin'. But I suspect his stylist might have been going for something different.
Peggy McCay is actually looking a bit more human these days, which is good, considering where she had ended up last year.
Nothing says "happy day that celebrates the independence of our
nation" like regaining the ability to express at least some emotion
with one's facial muscles.
Lucas getting turned on by Sami's pregnancy yoga was disturbing. I'm a bit worried that they're modeling these two after John and Marlena, because they keep talking explicitly about the stuff they want to do to each other, and no amount of soft-porn-in-the-afternoon can make a couple seem hot if they're not. Ali Sweeney and Bryan Dattilo work well together and have a lot of history on the show, but Sami and Lucas have never been a red-hot couple. I think the writers are trying to compensate for the Sami/EJ (or maybe it's Ali Sweeney/James Scott) chemistry by dialing up the sex talk and every time they do that, it has the opposite effect for me.
Also, and this doesn't just apply to Lucas and Sami, the Days sound guys have got to turn the mics down when people are making out. It's crazy! I think I can hear dolphins communicating in the Pacific Ocean on those things.
As a result of Bo and Hope's conversation this week, I would like to officially request that everyone refer to diaper cream as “butt paste” until the end of time. Thank you.
WTF? Adrienne bought the Cheatin’ Heart? And is immediately serving underaged kids?
I'm so confused about what they're doing with Adrienne. They're going to reveal a backstory soon, I hope? Explaining where the hell Justin and their four children are? And why only she has permanently relocated to Salem? And why the wife of a gazillionaire just bought a dive bar?
Much as I love the Cheatin' Heart set seeing some action again (they've actually switched it all around, but I won't nitpick), the scenes there were weird. In addition to Adrienne serving the non-legals, Steve didn't object to seeing his daughter in a bar, drinking beer? The writers need to decide how old this Stephanie/Chelsea/Abby (if she ever returns from...wherever the heck it is that she is) crew are, because they keeping jumping around. Supposedly Chelsea took the stupid Touch the Sky Airlines job to help pay for her freshman year of college, and while for a while there she was among the most annoying people in the world, I don't think she was among the dumbest, so it shouldn't have taken her seven years to get through high school. She's not Shawn. (Much like others, boy is pretty, but dim.)
And then there was Adrienne wisely advising Steve some more about how to handle the fact that his daughter is dating an ass. Except the wisdom took a momentary vacation: "C’mon Steve, he’s a Horton. He comes from a good family." Oh, Adrienne. How many times to do I have to tell you people that THIS IS NOT MIKE HORTON'S SON.
Jeremy smarming that he's a "rebel," like Steve, was ridiculous. Steve grew up in an abusive household in which among other things his father raped his sister, and then later lost an eye in a fight, in addition to about a thousand other soapy bad-boy staples, so he is allowed to be a rebel. When the son of two doctors who got to travel internationally and have every convenience acts like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and treats people like crap, it's not called rebellion, it's called being an asshatty douche.
I know we're supposed to hate this character (so...congrats, writers?), but the powers-that-be are going to need to give people a reason to watch Jeremy, because I have more than enough television hatred in my life. I watch General Hospital, after all.
Rachel Melvin is working on her bitchface in a way that impresses me greatly.
Come on, that's near-perfect. She could cut diamonds with that look.
Nick's moping around town is increasingly annoying, but he redeemed himself almost entirely in my eyes when he told Chelsea she was probably overreacting about Jett's fiancee cheating on him, because they "could be swingers or something." Ha!
Unfortunately that was the only moment this week (or in several, actually) that I was entertained by the "younger set" storylines. I might be crazy, but won't kids out of school for the summer watch, regardless of whether or not there are 18-year-olds running around doing stupid crap in Vegas? It seems really condescending. But when I was 18, bicycle shorts were in style, so I'm probably not the best demographic representative of what the kids these days want.
So the John and Marlena scenes yesterday started off innocently enough. A couple at the beach for the 4th of July. How nice! Then we went over to the dark side. And I'm not sure we can ever find our way back. I know I'm permanently damaged.
When the making out started on screen, the nauseating started in my living room.
John: Mmm, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.
Who says this non-facetiously?!
Marlena: Oooh, mama!
What.The hell? I might never gather the will to have sex again. "Oooh, mama"?!?!? Stop the madness.
I really don't want to turn into the Church Lady on a permanent basis, but I thought this was a bit daytime-inappropriate:
...mostly because in addition to the groping, there was loud, orgasmic-like moaning. I'm just going to say this. It's not ageist, because I would think the same thing if she were 30 years younger. Deidre Hall has GOT to STOP with the moaning noises. It's not sexy. It's gross. She and Drake Hogestyn are both in great shape and play veteran characters and I absolutely think they should be on the canvas, but I'm not kidding when I say that if I didn't "have" to for the blog and the column, I would fast-forward the second I saw either of them enter a frame. The moaning and sex talk is just out of control. The sex talk is the fault of the writers (who demonstrate with Sami and Lucas on a regular basis that they think in order to portray a couple who is hot for each other they have to literally talk about what they're going to do to each other every second of the day), but the moaning seems to me like it's an acting choice and it's HORRIBLE. It's not soapy goodness, it's not fun diva-liciousness, it's not campily awesome, it's unwatchable.
The physical stuff is weirdly gross too.
And they have got to stop kissing like they're going to consume each other's faces whole. It's totally traumatizing.
I hope they both checked to ensure they still have their uvulas.