General Hospital Week in Review
I should have known better than to hope based on last week that this show might start to get consistently good. I don't know what I was thinking. It must have been that doesn't-actually-exist aphrodisiac/upper that I accidentally took instead of my vitamins. I hate it when that happens! Anyway, there were a few fun moments, but you know it's a slow week when the big Friday cliffhanger is . . . Jason's trial is about to start. The murder trial of the central character of this show, who if he were to go to prison would eliminate 80% of the storylines. So I am just anxious as all get-out about the outcome of the trial (it's such a close call!), and find its looming start to be fascinating TV. Or, I find the ongoing saga of "what will Steve Burton do next to make his hair even more grievously unattractive" to be the more compelling suspense plot. You decide.
I think Alexis and Carly should have gotten a 13-episode spin-off. They are fantastic together.
I would totally watch it. Alexis could teach Carly about the benefits of foundation garments, inside voices, how to make Sonny tolerable, what a professional woman's wardrobe should look like, and how to raise your older child not to be a demon spawn. And Carly could teach Alexis . . . well, Alexis could teach Carly lots of stuff and Carly's hair could look really cute while she got schooled.
In the meantime, Carly continues to be all Carly about everything, this week going to yell at Jason in prison. Again.
You know, given that the writers keep telling us how these two are best friends, it's a bit puzzling that Jason appears to openly loathe Carly.
Dude, I've tried that, and it so doesn't work. You can't close your eyes and will her away.
And Jason got yet another visitor, Lulu. This was puzzling. What is the benefit of her going to see him?
And when Lucky finally finds out about Jake's paternity* (let's assume for the sake of argument that happens in our lifetimes), I imagine he'll feel betrayed enough that Lulu knew. She feels the need to pour salt in the [hypothetical, future] wound by visiting Jake's hitman babydaddy in prison? O...kay. They already have Lulu with a foot in about six different stories; I would really be fine if she stepped out of this one.
* After someone tells him, with accompanying DNA test and
illustrations, then reenacts the one-night-stand via interpretive
dance, and Elizabeth dresses Jake in an "a hitman knocked up my mommy
and all I got was this stupid onesie" outfit.
The GH writers crack me up. "Hey, I know what the women who overwhelmingly comprise our audience want: unlikeable chicks fighting over a guy! It's so hot!"
Ugh. Fortunately, they'd already destroyed the two characters involved, so I really couldn't care less about the battle of the mob apologists.
I lied. I got a tiny bit of satisfaction out of Sam backhanding Carly.
But then they started flying and rolling and other crap, and it was all about Jason in the first place, so I lost interest.
A more righteous reason for a showdown could have been that there's only room for one hideous dress-over-pants combo in any given room, so one of them had to go.
That is just so, so wrong. I need to go gaze at my Prada loafers to erase those images.
Anyway, the fight. Since neither of these two ever behaves like a petulant child, I'm sure they'll move on and not hold a grudge.
When I grow up, may I be Anna Devane? Sure, the whole "is fictional" thing would mess with my career prospects, but I think I could live on fabulosity alone. (I am close to OD'ing on fantastic returning 80s heroines named Anna -- Finola Hughes on GH and Leann Hunley on Days.)
Anna and Noah (as Eli) scenes in particular make me giddy with soap happiness. This week, Anna fending off the groupies was awesome. "Oh my god, he's SO busy later."
And pushing the body shot woman off the bar? Hee!
A big part of Anna's entertainment value is in Robin's reactions to her.
I'm not sure what's going on with Patrick being hotly befuddled in that shot, because in general the two of them have been entertainingly in sync about their wariness of their parents' antics. I love Patrick and Robin bantering about Anna and Noah hanging out, and Robin's horror upon discovering they were probably hooking up. Although, are the hot young doctors pretty much only going to be on on Thursdays, now?
It must be Night Shift day! Because the show opens with Patrick and Robin and then the parade of randoms begins.
Those student nurses are already of marginal intellect and entertainment value; I'm not sure learning at the side of Epiphany is the way to improve things. In fact, I'm sure it's not. Seriously, if Night Shift is this bizarre alternate universe in which nothing that happens there is actually happening on this GH, why do they have to roll out the NS cast on GH every Thursday? Just leave them in their universe. Billy Dee can entertain them with Irish folk songs, and shiny objects.
Everyone from Edward to Monica to Alice (the maid, for god's sake) forbidding Lulu (an adult) from seeing Logan was outrageous. Should we start keeping track of the things these writers think adult women cannot do?
- decide who to date
- take care of their children (if said woman has cancer)
- expect to give birth without getting shot in the head
- resist the romantic advances of mobsters
- make it through a pregnancy without falling down stairs
I'm sure I'm missing lots. Help me out in the comments?
This week in the "seriously, how jacked up is this show's moral compass?" file: Jason is handcuffed, charged with murder (which he did commit), and he's ambushed by hitmen of the guy he killed, thereby getting an innocent guard killed and endangering several other innocent bystanders. But he comes out the hero. Because despite the fact that they were in front of the the police station, there were no cops around to save the day. Afterwards, a [hot, underused] detective complimented Jason's “sharpshooter” skills, and Maxie referred to him as Superman.
I know I should stop being surprised by this kind of thing, but then I think if did it would mean I was totally dead inside. Which would probably interfere with my ability to shop, and get my nails done. So I'm going to try to continue to be appalled.
Carly's reaction to the shootout was classic.
Carly: At least Jason’s okay. I mean, you should have heard the shots. They were bad.
As opposed to the types of gunshots that sound like kittens meowing? Oh, no, I guess she means they were bad because they didn't originate with either of the show's two romantic leads. How silly of me. Only on this show would you need to distinguish between good and bad gunshots.
I'm not going to further discuss Sonny and Kate having sex. I'm still embarrassed by my unwarranted optimism last week. I am at least gratified that it appears Kate isn't going to fall all over herself to get into a relationship with Sonny. Yet.
Oh, there is one thing. I don't mean to suggest that I have a better understanding of creative bankruptcy than the professional writers at GH, but when you use marble (!) as a "romantic" plot contrivance twice in four months, I think it might be time to have a group chat.
Will there be a more random sexual encounter on GH this year? Or ever?
I'm really not enjoying Kelly's Sexual Shame Spiral. Or am I supposed to pretend her Night Shift hookups aren't happening, so this is just a one-time thing? I hate that the idiots behind this show can actually confuse me.
The most true-to-character moment in all of that mess was Carly barging in on them and then hanging around to berate them, instead of flipping a u-turn and leaving like any decent person would.
You stay classy, Carly Jacks.
Just checking in on . . .
Still glorious. Could possibly hold key to ending world hunger.
Still inhumanly pretty, but testing my patience with her Jason-adoration.
Still brutally hot.
Logan and Scotty?
Still eerily identical.
Still lawlessly braless.
At least there are some things you can always count on with this show.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.